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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Calling all NRP mums

100 replies

SpaceOpera · 11/11/2014 04:32

We are on the brink of a split-up and he's been the SAHD for 4 years. He will get our two sons (2 and 6) and I will probably end up only seeing them on weekends. It's going to break my heart not to see them every day and I would be so grateful for any NRP mums out there to share their own experiences and tell me the practicalities as well as the emotional roller coaster awaiting me. Thank you.

OP posts:

fromparistoberlin73 · 13/11/2014 09:09

ah the in law guilt- so sad and hard. My in laws beg me to to

"not argue"
"make peace", and my person favourite- "appease him"

anyway less of me. OP you are 100% doing the right thing to have counselling, it's fucking hard either way and you need help (unbiased help) and resilience- good call

Original poster

SpaceOpera · 13/11/2014 09:14

Please keep your personal stories coming paris, there is no such thing as 'enough about me' as far as I'm concerned!

OP posts:

Geraldthegiraffe · 13/11/2014 09:21

I still really regret my divorce. I'm only mentioning this as you say you love him he just doesn't feel loved. I think in my case it was the other way around and I only realised too late what we actually had. We soon became consumed by practical details.

Only mentioning this in case it's worth you going to relate it similar. Maybe there's things you can both change to be more available to each other or to both feel heard and understood?

He currently does all the childcare and housework and cooking. Theres many threads on her about the sahp(admittedly usually the woman) feeling unappreciated or stressed or run down. It may be simple com.unication between you both that could be resolved?

Not that that's nec the case, but if there's no other person and you both love each other it might be worth a try.

Lovingfreedom · 13/11/2014 09:21

It's worth bearing in mind that splitting up from your partner is not the end of the world and you are not going to destroy your children's lives if that's the route you choose. Your MIL, lovely as she might be, is putting more guilt at your door.

Original poster

SpaceOpera · 13/11/2014 09:27

giraffe, yes I'm mourning for it and regretting it. lovingfreedom - I agree wholeheartedly with your first sentence. Do I really want to be having this conversation again with him in 2, 3, 5 years?

OP posts:

Geraldthegiraffe · 13/11/2014 09:30

Regretting getting married or regretting path of divorce?

Can you both go to relate? They are very good at talking it through and don't push couples to stay together.

Original poster

SpaceOpera · 13/11/2014 09:34

Regretting path of divorce. I begged him to come to counselling last night. He refused - 'I don't need it'. So I now have to take charge of my own destiny. So be it.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpaceOpera · 13/11/2014 09:36

One thing I won't do for the next couple of weeks is talk about the practicalities of divorce with him. I'll get through a couple of counselling sessions and focus on that.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpaceOpera · 11/02/2015 19:20

Hello, looking for a solicitor and separately, a mediator in the Epsom / Purley / Reigate / Croydon area. Basically in the North Surrey area. Anyone had experience of Marilyn Stowe or her firm? Would appreciate your recommendations but must be on the basis of your own experience or someone you know well.

To give a quick update, he physically pushed me out of the house, I called the police who said that one of us had to leave the house for the night, so I went to my dad's. Since then, I have been staying at my dad's and seeing the kids 4 out of 5 weeknights for bedtime, calling them each morning, and having them at weekends. He says he needs time and space to think and part of me doesn't want to lose the relationship or the kids but another part thinks I'm being played for a sucker. Hence the request for recommendations. Thanks all!

OP posts:

knightofswords · 11/02/2015 21:02

Hi OP, just seen this thread, could've done with it myself a year ago.
Re Marilyn Stowe, she does a lot of work with international cases. I got a free 30 min consultation by phoning one of her offices. In the end I decided to avoid all litigation and my DCs now live with their dad.
It has been the worst year of my life. But I can tell you that my DCs are all settled and their father is parenting them better than he ever has. I see them every afternoon during the week and most of the weekends, 2 or 3 weeks out of 4 (I travel, mainly for work).
By focusing on how your kids feel, and helping them feel secure with their dad, you may start to feel better about the situation. If being the NRP is what you decide, of course. Don't let the guilt and stigma wear you down. I spent a good six years in a terrible terrible marriage because of the stigma of being a non resident mother. Then I spent most of last year tearing myself to pieces and considering going back to him. All completely pointless, and was taking energy away that I should have been spending on my kids.
Parents should be equal.

FushandChups · 11/02/2015 23:24

Sounds like things have escalated and the amicable living under one roof has completely gone - I am sorry

I have no experience with the mediator you mention but it does sound like this is your next best step given that he assaulted you - as that is what he did! Do you still want to work at the marriage or is the mediation the first formal step to separation?

Sorry for the questions - I just hope you're ok

Original poster

SpaceOpera · 04/03/2015 08:21

Thank you both so much. Will report back shortly x

OP posts:

Original poster

SpaceOpera · 04/03/2015 08:24

Knightofswords, how old are your kids if I may ask? Mine are 2 and 6. It's just killing me to think I won't see them everyday. The thing is I might see them everyday initially but what about the future? Stowe is very expensive and if anyone can recommend a solicitor in purley, croydon or epsom that would be really useful.

OP posts:

feelinghothothot · 04/03/2015 09:03

Is it not possible for you to get an au pair or mothers help for the mornings and evenings and for him to get a job? Unless there is a specific reason that he can't work, this must surely be the best solution? You will not be under any legal duty to keep him as a sahd, perhaps it's more moral? I see you becoming resentful of this on the medium term (I would) and it's not really necessary. I had a fantastic job when I separated from dh which finished at 7 and then an hour commute. I managed with said au pair.

Please consider this. And don't forget how accepting dc's are of change. Be upfront, be honest. It's just the way it is. You will manage - and so will they

Original poster

SpaceOpera · 04/03/2015 09:32

He says he will not countenance any one other than him or me bringing up the kids. He won't even consider some one taking them to school from my eventual house! This is why I think we have to go to law, because he is being very inflexible. Also, what is in the best interest of the kids?

OP posts:

sakura · 04/03/2015 09:41

There is a thread on here where the whole country is laughing at some poor woman who was told to get a job upon divorce. Women who were SAHMs ARE forced out to work when they divorce (speaking from experience).
Why is your H so special that he's not going to have to do what thousands of SAHPs do?

Ergo, if he is working, and you are working, why should he be given special treatment when it comes to access to the children?

sakura · 04/03/2015 09:41

"what thousands of SAHP do when they divorce"

that sentence was supposed to be

Original poster

SpaceOpera · 04/03/2015 10:05

I'm scared. Because he won't agree to it in mediation and it will have to go to court. And we will spend all our savings on fighting, with the children losing out...

OP posts:

feelinghothothot · 04/03/2015 19:30

I'm sorry that he's being so unreasonable. I absolutely hate the idea of power in relationships but you are both assuming that he has all the power in this situation, where in reality the power lies with the law.

From my experience, you are going along with his perception of power because of your guilt. This will eventually pass - but you have to live your lives to that point!

He does not have a louder voice than you, if anything you do as you are the breadwinner. Can you make his day-to-day financial position uncomfortable? Up the ante a bit, cut the budget, give him less money for himself, do the shopping online? I don't want you to assume that I'm being horrible, but he needs a dose of reality, and you need to redress the balance of where you are letting the power lie...

The pp is correct, he WILL have to get a job - and I would be surprised if the judge didn't view him badly if he refused to - and refused to compromise when you are being perfectly reasonable.

Have a think about subtly baking his life uncomfortable

Original poster

SpaceOpera · 05/03/2015 07:54

Right now I am very very low in confidence. I think I have always been someone who is confident at work but much less so in personal life. I am really struggling at the moment with my violent emotions. It's very difficult as a mum to walk away even a tiny bit from the children. The one thing I do know after yesterday is that I don't want to be with him. But I think in my mind I am still seeking his approval and love. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that he only has contempt for me, although he has said it to my face many times. I feel like an animal licking my wounds. But I have to take a position and move forward.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpaceOpera · 25/03/2015 16:53

Knightofswords please may I PM you? Thanks to all who responded. Mumsnet people, would be great to collect info on NRP mums since more and more of us will be appearing in our current generation...

OP posts:

Charley50 · 25/03/2015 22:05

This is really sad and it seems like he is trying to force you to give up the children to him. Sorry if I've read that wrong but reading between the lines it's seems you are a little scared of him and want to appease him.

Original poster

SpaceOpera · 26/03/2015 21:51

I am scared of him and I do want to appease him. I don't know whether to just take the leap and divorce him, because of the effect on the children. Anyway, I am going on anti-depressants to control the constant panic I feel, and taking a break from work to focus on the next steps. On the one hand I want to leave, on the other I can't leave the children.

OP posts:

Charley50 · 26/03/2015 22:46

He can't force you to leave without the children. He has anger issues; doesn't sound best placed to be their main carer and RP.
I can't remember if you have already got legal advice but I think you should.
Don't let him bully you into giving up your children.

MargaretRiver · 26/03/2015 22:54

You need to get back into the house, today

He is establishing a status quo that he & the children live there, and you have left them
You never agreed to that

Move back in today, the longer it goes on the stronger his case is

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