Calling all NRP mums

[SpaceOpera]

We are on the brink of a split-up and he's been the SAHD for 4 years. He will get our two sons (2 and 6) and I will probably end up only seeing them on weekends. It's going to break my heart not to see them every day and I would be so grateful for any NRP mums out there to share their own experiences and tell me the practicalities as well as the emotional roller coaster awaiting me. Thank you.

TBH I think it's really important to work out a viable long-term living arrangement before consulting a lawyer. Divorce lawyers are not an imaginative bunch and their professional skills and interests do not lie in negotiating intricate amicable family-friendly post-divorce domestic scenarii!

Yes comfy, I see you're right about the long-term viability.

I like it Bonsoir! This fills me with hope!

Why don't you move closer to work and take your DCs with you? What is the reason for your STBXH to continue living where he does anyway?

I think that's wisest. Solicitors who are members of Resolution are signed up to encourage non-confrontational solutions. There are a lot of them about and you shouldn't have to spend a fortune if it stays civilised.

In your 2nd post OP you stated that your husband will "let" you see the children whenever you want. This in itself should ring alarm bells for you. It is not up to him to "let" you have contact with your own dc. This suggests that he sees himself as the primary parent who gets to make the decisions about the dc.

This is why you will need outside advice and agreed contact arrangements firmly in place.

Thanks everyone, after two lonely sleepless nights imagining children who will be crying for mummy in the night, I do feel I can face the day. Have to get the 2 year old now, he is calling for me. Working from home luckily, maybe that will be more of an option in the future. Will reply to the posts above during the day. Off to change a nappy now...

Hi Space

You have loads of options if you split. Just because he is a SAHP at present does not mean that he makes you move out and only see the DC at weekends. I also don't like the way he has said he will 'let' you see them. Did I also read that the split is not your idea..?

I think he is trying to make you feel guilty.... And therefore will agree to anything. This is why you need professional (legal) help.

Plenty of people work long hours but have their DC live with them. I did. I just got help with childcare. I have also child minded for people who work long hours.

You could move nearer to work, get a part time nanny....
Don't forget the DC won't stay this old forever. They will be at school with after school activities etc.

You sound like an intelligent woman Space. Don't let him push you out.

I'm not trying to be difficult... I totally understand how important your job is to you (I was the main breadwinner during my marriage). However your ex doesn't sound particularly nice if he is aggressive and angry all the time. Why can't you move closer to work and take the dc with you? Why does he automatically get to keep the dc with him?

Also just a warning ... whatever you do now sets up the precedent for the future. If you decide to get legal advice at a later date they are likely to agree to whatever has been the status quo up till that point (personally this worked in my favour, but not in my exes). If I were you I'd get legal advice now and visualise very carefully how you want things to go long term. If you move out leaving the dc with him to be blunt you are unlikely to ever have them back living with you.

Thanks Fairylea. I will not move out until the legal situation is fully resolved (repeat to self x 100). For the moment we are leading separate lives and 'functioning' for the sake of the children.

Hi christmascandles and finola, isn't it amazing how we betray our underlying thoughts in the smallest of words. Yes, I can see that my attitude is that he will 'let' me see the children, 'let' me live in the house until I find somewhere, 'let' me drive 'his' car. I am seeing things in black and white - and I'm incredulous that I, a professionally qualified high-earning woman, am thinking this way! Much food for thought.

Definitely see a solicitor asap - just to explore options that you have now, no need to go agreeing stuff with your H yet. You are right, it seems as if he has been 'driving' this - he can't push you around and he shouldn't guilt you into anything.

He is the one initiating the split. It may be amicable now, but it could turn nasty very easily and quickly (been there). The fact that he is the initiator means that he has had longer to think about this than you and he is way ahead of you, planning-wise. Worth you catching up, methinks.

Other posters are right, there are plenty of single parents whose children live with them and they work full time. He is making lots of assumptions and railroading you into thinking you have few options. You may have more than you think.

And he sounds like a bit of a bully. That side of him might become more apparent once he realises you might not do as you're told. Brace yourself to be tougher than you feel. That business-like demeanour may come in handy. Good luck OP.

Do not leave op. I worked long hours when my relationship broke down and ex didn't work but there was no way I would have left the family home or left my dc with him. It was not an option and neither of us contemplated it. You can keep your career and your children.

If the only genuine reason for leaving your dc is that you work, then reconsider. If there are other reasons (God, sometimes I think I would love to live on my own in peace!) then be honest to yourself.

It would not be realistic to do bedtimes, that's unworkable.

From what you have said I think you will always regret it if you leave.

Your situation sounds scarily like the situation a friend of mine found herself in a couple of years ago. Her XP initiated an "amicable" split "that was best for the DC" that actually entailed her moving out of the home she paid for, leaving him the car she had bought, leaving her two DC with him (plus nanny paid for by her) while she worked and he continued to SAHD ad infinitum.

She saw the light of day, fought for more and it turned REALLY nasty.

Thank you blow, thank you poppy; I feel a lot stronger in myself now. I am telling myself not to get into any heated discussions with him but simply to make everything as transactional as possible and keep the emotion well out of it. I will come back and report on any developments where I need your advice but I am going to take away all of the above and let it 'process'.

And thanks to you Bonsoir for your support and advice

A few questions...

How explosive is his temper, are you the only one on the receiving end of it?

Considering his explosive temper, do you have any concerns about his parenting?

Why would you want to stay married to someone who thinks so little of you?

On the face of it, he is the SAHP and to ensure continuity for the kids it would make sense for you to move out, men are expected to. However, I am getting a distinct power imbalance vibe and added to that, the guilt of being a working mother, may lead you down a path that could profoundly change the relationship you have with your children.

I think you need to think long and hard about what type of parent you want to be and what level of involvement you want in your childrens lives? It sounds like you initially thought, it would stay be the same but with you living elsewhere but the dynamics of being a RP and a NRP are very different. Your children's home would also be their father's home, this territorial change will fundamentally change things, daily visits may not be in the best interests of your children if there is an atmosphere.

You should also definitely see a counsellor on your own, to work out what you want away from someone trying to guilt trip you. The first time I went into mediation with my Ex, my accommodating nature was used against me and I was passive aggressively backed into a corner (I even agreed to waive child maintenance), the single worst experience of my life. Four years later, I am into the second round of mediation and my Ex is behaving exactly the same way but this time I've had counselling. I am a better advocate for my child because I can better separate my and his wants from her needs and have written a Parenting Agreement that demonstrates this, which has made it very difficult (he still tries, bless him) for my Ex to paint me as uncooperative and selfish.

Mediation is tough and you need to be in the best emotional shape to get through it, preperation with a good counsellor is a must.

What sound advice Isetan. I have been in touch with a few counsellors already and will start seeing one next week. Actually even H has said this - I need to establish what I want in order for us to move forward. It will affect whether we split, but also all the post-split decisions to do with the children's upbringing and schooling.

Also, when they are both at school, your XH probably won't think its fair that you get them every weekend while he only sees them in the evenings after school/activities. Certainly if I was him I wouldn't be happy with that arrangement long-term. While you are still amicable it might be worth considering moving the whole family to 2 houses nearer your work. That way you could work out a long term plan that is fair to both of you and works for the DC.

Spaceopera hi, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm a female NRP and have been for 9 years, we chose to do it that way as exP owned the house from before I met him, he had been SAHD for the last year and ran his business from home. In addition he had a supportive family whereas I was totally NC with mine. So for DS it was the best option, although it was horrible for me.
We started out with weekends and the odd evening as I worked full-time and had a long commute (90 mins each way). Nowadays it depends on DS, so last weekend I got 'dumped' for a Scout weekend but the week before he stayed most of the week as he had half-term.
Practically you need to sort out when you have the children, and will you have to pay Child Support, and how much.
If you want to chat feel free to pm me, female NRPs do unfortunately get judged and there are some tough days!

Thank you shelby and violet. Yes, I was afraid of the judging but I suppose the right attitude is that life is too short - I have to grow a pretty thick skin! Thank you for the perspective on the growing up. I am starting counselling very soon indeed and will see what comes up. What a lovely community you are!

How explosive is his temper, are you the only one on the receiving end of it? He has a really loud voice and is a very big guy, so when he raises it, it can be pretty alarming. He will explode during an argument if he doesn't like what I'm saying, and he doesn't listen. He doesn't explode out of thin air though (quite a funny image that). I mean, he doesn't come in the room and start shouting unless he thinks the older boy hasn't cleared up, I suppose it's a raised irritated voice rather than hollering. Everyone in his life is on the receiving end, but his parents put with it.

Considering his explosive temper, do you have any concerns about his parenting? Nothing serious. For example he got very irritated with the two-year old over putting his shoes on but then got calm and kissed him. He is not a calm person. But he is loving and kind when he calms down. Neither of us feels listened to.

Why would you want to stay married to someone who thinks so little of you? For the kids and not throwing away the physical assets we have planned and worked for. To not upset the wider family. In the hope that we will both mellow with age. Because marriage is tough and people change - sometimes desirably, sometimes less so. Because the stresses and Strains of kids, his change in status, my self-employed status, mean that we are both under strain. He feels that I don't love him, don't desire him, he's an inconvenience that I work around. I do love him, I do desire him, but all the screens we both look at constantly mean it's so much easier not to engage when we're tired. Just two flawed and insecure human beings.

See a solicitor, as everyone says.

Do not give up your children (even part-time) without a well-documented fight.

Op you must get legal advice . Many many parents use lawyers to agree 50:50 custody . Why would you accept any less ? Get a lawyer

Massive sympathies I will have similar as planning similar with my soon to be ex Sahp. I will be targeting 50:50 nothing less