Four threads to freedom! Divorcing Twatchops once and for all

[thenamehaschanged]

Still can't copy and paste links but my last thread was New name, new game, less stress, more progress!

This really, really is the last one now - I hope that my story has helped anybody breaking free from abuse - it's bloody hard but you can do it!

*herself, of course.

Lol thanks Goldenmama!! If you can, do the Freedom Programme - the first week I didn't think I belonged there, the last week was very emotional and I realised we were all the same. Powerful stuff!

He's probably saying crap in front of the dc. They will have conflicted feelings - happy that he's gone and sad, that is entirely normal and understandable.

Why does he need to email at all? You have agreed regular contact so erm he collects and drops off at x times on y days - end of.

I don't think contact through BIL is helpful from what I can see. H has sucked his brother into the I didn't pay enough attention, I worked too hard nonsense and is not going with I have been an abusive twat the truth, and it sounds like his B is falling for it. And he is his brother, don't forget that.

About the counsellor questionnaire - this sounds like a load of bollocks to me, and I would simply say No, I'm not prepared to fill out a questionnaire about the H I am divorcing, thanks very much His counselling is his business and nothing whatsoever to do with you. It is not your job to help him get over his personality problems. The marriage is over. If he wants to sort himself out then that's fine, you are not about to start communicating with his counsellor for fuck's sake!

This is just leading up to him saying or getting his B to say the counsellor would like to meet you, the counsellor thinks we should have some sessions together, the counsellor says its six of one and half a dozen of the other… NO! Do NOT get involved with his counsellor. This is not a requirement. Ask Rottie

You can always return the questionnaire to the counsellor with a note if you feel it's intrusive. Or put a note on it that you are NOT interested in reconciliation, just in case Twatty has indicated that's a possibility. That could be important for the counselor to know.

I think the kids acting up is just part and parcel. You'll just have to bear with it until they work things through in their minds. Of course, they still need to be respectful etc, but it's a big change for them. Just keep an ear open for 'Daddy says' or hints that indicate he has been talking to them about things he shouldn't. They don't need to be involved and shouldn't be hearing 'Mummy won't…' or Daddy wants…'. I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't feeding them crap, trying to turn them into 'allies'. Yuck!

Congrats on the new job. It always takes a bit before you find your 'place' with your coworkers.

Tomorrow is a new day. Sleep tight.

I think both Ex and his brother need to know you ARE getting a divorce.

Hi name, I just want to strongly echo what fantastic said. It's no doubt a ploy to draw you in. My STBXH used his counselling to abuse me further. I didn't see it til someone on my thread pointed it out. It was just another tool to use to control me and it had been filling me with self-doubt, as STBXH wanted.

Don't get involved, it's his problem not yours.

Well yes Random but of course because of all the work stress he's under, it's not always possible to keep to set agreements - so that was where BIL was our go between, this came about today because I had agreed to move the prearranged Wednesday meal out.

It's narc city all over again.

Yeah agree smilla, dd2 is 6, she can be quite dramatic at times but I did think it was an overly mature thing for her to say!

Thanks FB, pond, Hansie and Bee - yes you're all right, just more of the bloody same. I am a tad exhausted tonight I must admit!

happy thanksgiving Pond!

He maybe saying all sorts of things to them along the lines of you know when you've had enough of something and you throw it away and then sometimes wish you could have it back, well that's what mummy has done with me, thrown me away and one day she might wish she could have me back and if I do all the right things to show her how sorry I am and how much I want to be with her, then maybe she will want me to come back type-stuff. Wish I could remember what instructions he was issued by Rotty as I cannot believe he is abiding by them.

You are going to have to be really firm not to get embroiled again. He is a fucking expert.

name I've missed a few days been hectic here and sounds like its been an interesting time for you. Hope the job is going ok. Not liking the sounds of "babe" and counsellor questionnaire. He really hasn't got it has he? Neither by the sound of it has his brother. Why do you need to communicate with either of them? You've got a plan for contact and that's it ; no need to communicate. I think an email to both of them reminding them that you are getting divorced due to his emotional abuse, your sol has old him that he doesn't speak to you and he's broken that rule by calling you babe. Also you will be keeping track of any obviously adult comments that the girls come out with in relation to the divorce as these have obviously come from him and can be classes as him emotionally abusing the girls.
Good luck with the job

I'm on week 3 of a new part-time job and the friendliness is improving

No more rearrangement of contact, if he can't make it he'll just have to get BIL to let you know. His choice whether he prioritises seeing his dc or not...

Questionnaire, I agree don't complete it - return with note, I'm divorcing him due to his abusive behaviour I'm not interested.

Name ive seen it on threads before. Some of these "counsellors" dont see abuse and either arent trained or dont want to see it because it means losing ££££££££!!!

In fact ive seen a classic example on another thread today where someone used a psychology link and gaslighted another poster.

I would be telling BIL to butt out. or telling Rottie that hes enabling your ex

And bedbugs? Cheap bastard!

He's definitely trying to draw you back in, maintain all the distance you can, If using his brother is not working (I wouldn't blame him for not wanting to be piggy in the middle) then use your solicitors - Rottie knows how to put him straight.
Your insight into the change in him from one little "softening" of the rules is spot on, give him and inch and he'll take a mile so withdraw further and further to ensure he's getting the message.

Oh no, don't do the questionnaire, there's nothing to be gained from it for you. Does anyone know if counsellors usually send questionnaires home to be filled in by those who are not their clients? It sounds very dodgy to me, and I'm wondering if he's just got a list of things he wants to know and is pretending it's from the counsellor. Don't do it, anyway.

And "babe". Urgh! You may need Rotty to sort his attitude out a bit. He needs reminding that you are no longer on those terms, very over-familiar and presumptuous.

The poor girls . It does sound like they're just copying things he's said. Make notes and ensure Rotty knows.

Not surprised you're tired to ight. Sleep well

Is his counselling 'anger management'? As as I am about this in general, it's good practice for the counsellor to seek input from the abused partner. Few of them do. You don't have to provide it, of course. But, if you do, you can be as straightforward as you like. The more damning the better, I guess

I love the new You, Name! Keep on keeping on

Thank you so much everyone - I've just woken up after another nightmare that I was back with him. Crashed out pretty much after my last post and then woke up just now with a start.

I don't really know what to say, how dare he try and knock me off course again now, I mean FGS! His delusion or arrogance or needing to resume control or whatever it is, is so disturbing. The 'innocuous' babe's last night - he had promised bil there would be no emotional attempts. He 'gets it' I was told.

I've got one eye open, think I'd better try and get back to sleep but I have briefly read your very very helpful, supportive posts everyone, thank you so much, and I will be back later today

I dont know what it is about being called "babe" but i personally hate it even in a relationship. It makes me freeze and i cant articulate why. I dont mind sweetheart or love. But babe.....no.

Thanks, name, we had a lovely time and ate far too much!

Just keep reminding yourself that he is gone, gone, GONE! You are beyond his reach, safe in your own home. He can try to annoy or manipulate you but you are no longer under his control. Remember 'the dogs bark but the caravan moves on'. Let him bark all he wants. Your caravan is well on it's way!

"babe" is just plain wrong. I spotted, a page or two back, that everybody a seems to like Tootsie, an excellent stealth feminist film. If from a stranger, "babe" is over-familiar and objectifying, from an acquaintance or friend, colleague, it implies you're not important enough to remember your name (viz that scene in Tootsie, where DH explodes). If a loved one, or ex-loved one [and you've never expressed a preference for the term], it's all of the above, plus infantilising.

Confidential questionnaire? Is that a joke, I actually don't believe it I have never heard of such a thing, and what would be the point if it's confidential, the counsellor cannot bring anything in to the room if he doesn't do it first. Especially as he is accused of being abusive which I'm now assuming he has not told the therapist.

Op the bil is getting tired of being the go between which I can sort of see, maybe it's time to re assert the boundaries because he's weakening them gradually. Maybe a reminder from rottie about the rules, contact and kids issues only. Your not interested in his life or counselling he still thinks it's just a matter of time before its all back on.

I suspect the confidential questionnaire will be used against you at some point. Name you just have to remember that every interaction will have some sort of intended button pressing opportunity.

I would get rottie to restate the terms, and for the BIL to be the go between at EVERY opportunity.

Hi Name,

Long-time lurker here, full of admiration at you for having got rid of this nasty controlling man. I am another who firmly believes that this "confidential questionnaire" is just another attempt to maintain/increase contact with you and control you from a distance.

You know that you don't want to be with him any more, therefore his therapy is of no concern to you. If he wants to sort himself out, all well and good, but it is no longer your problem.

Filling it in would suggest you are interested in working on him/your relationship - either ignore totally or return it, as another poster suggested, with the words "I am divorcing this abusive man and want nothing more to do with him".

You are doing so well - don't let him get to you!

"I am divorcing this abusive man and want nothing more to do with him" will tell a skilled counsellor all he/she needs to know.
If they're not skilled the whole hing will be a waste of time. Frankly, I think it will be a waste of time anyway, certainly no need for you to be caught up in it.

Can you hear that low rumbling noise name? That's a Hoover, trying to Hoover you.

Have pondered overnight. Get Rottie to put in writing the contact you are offering, if he is not able to manage his work commitments to accomodate his dc then he is permitted an email informing you of that. No rearrangement, nowt else just a "I will not be collecting the dds tomorrow".

Give him his own mobile number or email address to use for this purpose, I personally would prefer a text - no other texts or calls permitted.