Dh and I have been together 3 years. I'm 32 weeks pregnant with our second baby.
He works full time and has also been picking up the slack around the house as my SPD is crippling. I can manage to look after ds (1 year old) during the day by having everything in the lounge ready for the day. But lifting, carrying, even reaching the floor to pick things up, is getting beyond me. Luckily ds is very laid back and easy. So we get through the days.
I'm struggling a bit with my identity. I've never been girly but I've always been elegant. And now I'm not. Not being able to walk means I've put on weight (not enormous amounts, well within normal, but I don't feel like me). I like to stride about and now I can barely shuffle. I'm frustrated. I'm in pain all the time. My back's gone too.
But it's not forever.
Dh is wonderful and lovely and tells me I'm beautiful. But his words don't match his actions and I'm missing the intimacy. Sex is difficult but not impossible. PIV isn't the only option anyway.
Last night we had a couple round for dinner for our first social engagement in 3 months. I got all dressed up (making a change from wearing what I can manage to get into) and felt attractive for the first time in a long time.
Dh complimented me, but when we were alone and I initiated things, well... He undressed me like a carer would, made me comfortable, and nothing more.
My issue isn't really with him. He's clearly struggling with the situation. He's working hard. It's my own vanity that is the problem. I want him to want me. He loved me being pregnant with ds, found it sexy, so I know it's not being pregnant. It's being this... Useless.
This isn't forever. We've talked and he says he wants me as much as ever. But words and actions don't match. He doesn't have to find me attractive.
But I want to stomp my feet (if I could) and shout, "but I thought I looked good last night!"
How do I not feel so upset that he doesn't want me right now for whatever reason? How do I stop being so bloody self- obsessed?
He loves me. I love him. Why do I need him to want me?
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I want him to want me.
WantYouToWantMe · 09/11/2014 09:28
Thank you all so much 
I know I'm sounding a bit (!) insane. You are all sensible and lovely.
He is a good man. He is kind and thoughtful. I'm scared I can't support him. That I need him and he won't be there. These are my hangups. He's always been lovely.
I'm being selfish.
Not insane or selfish.
Pregnant, worried and frustrated. Just as we all would be 
.
Arsenic, you have been so sensible and understanding today. It's made it all bearable.
Dh is home but has hardly said two words to me. I sent him a message after posting here saying how proud I was of him for seeking help. He dismissed it, but I'm glad I said it anyway.
I don't know what to say or do. I'd really like to hide away, or have him run in laughing saying, "joke! You should see your face!" (Not that that is his idea of funny).
I'm not really sure how we got here. On Friday night we were cuddled up on the sofa chatting and laughing at Never Mind the Buzzcocks on Iplayer...
:) not sure I succeeded in the boring.
We talked for a bit. He did most of the talking. He's got gp and private counsellor appointments lined up for today.
Actually the posts about ED were really helpful. I was able to reassure him that he doesn't have a drive because he's exhausted and stressed, and that despite all that he still physically functions, he's just exhausted. I also pointed out that he wouldn't be expecting me to leap on him in a few months time, when I've been up all night with a screaming baby. That not having the spare inclination made him completely and utterly normal.
I also told him the most common advice given to men who post on MN about their wive's decreased sex drives, and that the most common first question is, "how much of the childcare and house work does she do?".
I am so grateful for all the advice on here. It's helped ground me so much.
One unexpected thing is that, having said sex was completely off the table, he has asked me not to stop initiating it. I was pretty shocked, and am still a bit confused because I don't want to put any pressure on him. So my plan is to initiate cuddles and kisses, then there's no pressure for them to lead anywhere if he doesn't want them to (and I won't always want them to either!)
He went out the door smiling this morning, and I'm taking that to be a good sign :)
He's sorry for being ill and that meaning less support. I've told him he doesn't need to be sorry. It's not his fault. Just as he wouldn't be able to do as much if he broke his leg. It's bad timing, but it's due to the timing.
He's planning on trying to put annual leave in for the end of the week, and to use that time to relax. Not to do DIY, or sort things, or tidy, just to de-stress.
I'm planning on getting him a massage as a surprise :)
He's told me he's not going anywhere and never should have let that fear out. But in some ways I'm glad he did.
I have got a good one. I need to find a way not to be scared of depression. XH terrified me. He'd scream at me, shout at me, push me around, smash things, and then tell me how his counsellor had told him he had to let his anger out, and that it was his depression making him do it. That wasn't true. He was an abusive arse with the perfect excuse. He could hurt me, and yet still be the victim because he was ill. I lived through 5 years of his "depression". It was such a perfect excuse that I didn't actually leave him until he announced he was better!
Dh would never hurt me like that. Depression wasn't the reason I got treated like that.
Thank you all for pointing that out too.
You're all lovely
Yes, just because he doesn't actually feel up to shagging atm, doesn't mean he doesn't desire you or want to be desired.
That was a lovely update and I'm glad you are feeling more positive.
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