I want him to want me.

[WantYouToWantMe]

Dh and I have been together 3 years. I'm 32 weeks pregnant with our second baby.

He works full time and has also been picking up the slack around the house as my SPD is crippling. I can manage to look after ds (1 year old) during the day by having everything in the lounge ready for the day. But lifting, carrying, even reaching the floor to pick things up, is getting beyond me. Luckily ds is very laid back and easy. So we get through the days.

I'm struggling a bit with my identity. I've never been girly but I've always been elegant. And now I'm not. Not being able to walk means I've put on weight (not enormous amounts, well within normal, but I don't feel like me). I like to stride about and now I can barely shuffle. I'm frustrated. I'm in pain all the time. My back's gone too.

But it's not forever.

Dh is wonderful and lovely and tells me I'm beautiful. But his words don't match his actions and I'm missing the intimacy. Sex is difficult but not impossible. PIV isn't the only option anyway.

Last night we had a couple round for dinner for our first social engagement in 3 months. I got all dressed up (making a change from wearing what I can manage to get into) and felt attractive for the first time in a long time.

Dh complimented me, but when we were alone and I initiated things, well... He undressed me like a carer would, made me comfortable, and nothing more.

My issue isn't really with him. He's clearly struggling with the situation. He's working hard. It's my own vanity that is the problem. I want him to want me. He loved me being pregnant with ds, found it sexy, so I know it's not being pregnant. It's being this... Useless.

This isn't forever. We've talked and he says he wants me as much as ever. But words and actions don't match. He doesn't have to find me attractive.

But I want to stomp my feet (if I could) and shout, "but I thought I looked good last night!"

How do I not feel so upset that he doesn't want me right now for whatever reason? How do I stop being so bloody self- obsessed?

He loves me. I love him. Why do I need him to want me?

[WantYouToWantMe]

So far all is very good. Dh has been for a massage today to relax. He saw a counsellor yesterday who thinks it's stress rather than depression and that it'll all clear up once we're back to normal. I've spoken to my MW about having a C-Section and I'm going to speak to a consultant on Monday.

Dh came home with an enormous bunch of flowers. Which was lovely too.

I'm not expecting miracles. One step at a time.

We do just have to get through this bit as best we can. Pulling together is the way to go.

[agoodbook]

Thats sounds very positive, but don't panic if it doesn't just 'get better' -straight away. The kisses and cuddles are the best and touching is the most healing thing we can do. Good luck :)

[NoMarymary]

You both sound lovely people and I'm sure things will get back on track in a few months. You've got each other. You talk to each other. You support each other. I'm sure you know how lucky you are in your relationship.

[WantYouToWantMe]

Thanks john.

I'm so glad I posted here to get my head straight before talking to him. It's meant I can actually be supportive and not make things worse.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Yes, just because he doesn't actually feel up to shagging atm, doesn't mean he doesn't desire you or want to be desired.

That was a lovely update and I'm glad you are feeling more positive.

[WantYouToWantMe]

:) not sure I succeeded in the boring.

We talked for a bit. He did most of the talking. He's got gp and private counsellor appointments lined up for today.

Actually the posts about ED were really helpful. I was able to reassure him that he doesn't have a drive because he's exhausted and stressed, and that despite all that he still physically functions, he's just exhausted. I also pointed out that he wouldn't be expecting me to leap on him in a few months time, when I've been up all night with a screaming baby. That not having the spare inclination made him completely and utterly normal.

I also told him the most common advice given to men who post on MN about their wive's decreased sex drives, and that the most common first question is, "how much of the childcare and house work does she do?".

I am so grateful for all the advice on here. It's helped ground me so much.

One unexpected thing is that, having said sex was completely off the table, he has asked me not to stop initiating it. I was pretty shocked, and am still a bit confused because I don't want to put any pressure on him. So my plan is to initiate cuddles and kisses, then there's no pressure for them to lead anywhere if he doesn't want them to (and I won't always want them to either!)

He went out the door smiling this morning, and I'm taking that to be a good sign :)

He's sorry for being ill and that meaning less support. I've told him he doesn't need to be sorry. It's not his fault. Just as he wouldn't be able to do as much if he broke his leg. It's bad timing, but it's due to the timing.

He's planning on trying to put annual leave in for the end of the week, and to use that time to relax. Not to do DIY, or sort things, or tidy, just to de-stress.

I'm planning on getting him a massage as a surprise :)

He's told me he's not going anywhere and never should have let that fear out. But in some ways I'm glad he did.

I have got a good one. I need to find a way not to be scared of depression. XH terrified me. He'd scream at me, shout at me, push me around, smash things, and then tell me how his counsellor had told him he had to let his anger out, and that it was his depression making him do it. That wasn't true. He was an abusive arse with the perfect excuse. He could hurt me, and yet still be the victim because he was ill. I lived through 5 years of his "depression". It was such a perfect excuse that I didn't actually leave him until he announced he was better!

Dh would never hurt me like that. Depression wasn't the reason I got treated like that.

Thank you all for pointing that out too.

You're all lovely

[ArsenicSoup]

Hope things are settling down. Try to keep it boring

[WantYouToWantMe]

Arsenic, you have been so sensible and understanding today. It's made it all bearable.

Dh is home but has hardly said two words to me. I sent him a message after posting here saying how proud I was of him for seeking help. He dismissed it, but I'm glad I said it anyway.

I don't know what to say or do. I'd really like to hide away, or have him run in laughing saying, "joke! You should see your face!" (Not that that is his idea of funny).

I'm not really sure how we got here. On Friday night we were cuddled up on the sofa chatting and laughing at Never Mind the Buzzcocks on Iplayer...

[ArsenicSoup]

Not insane or selfish.

Pregnant, worried and frustrated. Just as we all would be .

[WantYouToWantMe]

Thank you all so much

I know I'm sounding a bit (!) insane. You are all sensible and lovely.

He is a good man. He is kind and thoughtful. I'm scared I can't support him. That I need him and he won't be there. These are my hangups. He's always been lovely.

I'm being selfish.

[ArsenicSoup]

The one easy thing you have in your control is to take the emotional temperature down. Decide to exude calm. It will really help both of you (and the babies) and you can do it lying down. Just make that your task. Worry about the rest later.

[agoodbook]

want your logic is faulty! don't panic - he's doing all the right things, and though you are the one needing the physical help, give him your mental strength - because you do have it - you've shown that by posting on here. Just try to stay calm, and give him room to recover . With my DH it was music and books that helped him, and also very predictably , fresh air , just going walking on the beach, country lanes with us all, giving his brain a rest.

[ArsenicSoup]

And there is evidence for that in the fact that he has expressed specific concern/guilt about this pregnancy. Which would also tie in with concern for you and the loss of libido.

It stacks up as something likely to get better after the birth want. Honestly. All of it. By the time the night feeds are over, this will all be a memory. Try not to get too stressed yourself.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

He sounds lovely, op. He sees a problem and tries to work it out for you both. This is all good.

Once the baby is here, you will both feel so much happier I'm sure. For now, I realise that you are frustrated in every way, but you do need to relax and - much as it will annoy you - just incubate ;) for the last few weeks!

[WantYouToWantMe]

He is a good one. He's not XH, nothing like him.

I'm scared of having to give dh reserves I don't have. I'm scared he'll change. I'm probably being completely irrational. I'm certainly being hormonal on top of everything.

I just want things to be simple

[ArsenicSoup]

The depression in probably largely situational and will likely resolve when your SPD does.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

want - I know it's hard not to but you're getting a bit ahead of yourself.

Your DH is obviously trying to get help and that is to be commended

When you say who will we cope, what are you worried about? There's no reason that your DH can't remain a good father/husband/employee whilst on ADs

[ArsenicSoup]

Your DH isn't your EXH. You know that.

I think the fact that he has got himself to the surgery so fast is a pretty good sign, in fact.

Try to relax (hollow laugh). He is doing all the right things and has been all along from your account. He said one daft thing when put on the spot and he has immediately examined the feelings of stress etc and responded appropriately to them.

I think you have a good one

[WantYouToWantMe]

Sorry, I need to talk.

Had some messages from dh saying he's made an apt with his gp to discuss depression and ADs.

XH had depression. XH was an abusive twunt who used his depression as an excuse to not have his actions questioned

I'm scared. I shouldn't be. Dh is ill. He's seeking help.

Fucking bollocksy hell!

How will we cope?

[WantYouToWantMe]

Mink, I will spell that out. Thank you.

I do need some emotional support too. Dh can't do that now.

I think what I want for this birth needs to change too. We were going to have a home birth, but a room needs clearing and redecorating for that to happen, which is just more stuff to do for dh.

With the SPD I need to limit the amount of time I'm off my feet. Ds was two weeks late and ended up in a horrendous induction. I don't want that again. I think a c-section may be the solution.

[minklundy]

I know this is the same old advice trotted out but can you also say to him no sex is fine but you still need to hug, to sit side by side, to touch and for him not to be scared to do tgat in case you think he is initiating. So put a no to sex but yes to non sexual but intimate touch rule in place. Takes the pressure off and stops you becoming distant iyswim

[WantYouToWantMe]

Thanks chipping. I'm not immaculately turned out usually. Not by any stretch. I'm usually very confident in my looks. I rarely wear makeup, prioritise comfort over anything else, and am much happier in jeans and a tshirt than anything else.

I had wondered if dh's lack of interest was due to us not making an effort for each other. That's why I used Saturday's meal as an excuse to dress up for a change. Stick some slap on and wear a dress.

Dh said I looked lovely, but added that I looked no more lovely than usual. Which I thought was a lovely thing to say.

I had already said that I accepted we wouldn't be having a sex life for the next few months when he came out with what he did.

I'm really not a sex pest :) promise.

But yes. What's done is done. What's said is said.

We'll get through this. It isn't the end by any means. It is still a temporary problem that will pass.

Once I've pulled myself together I'll be back to reassuring him. I clearly had been putting on more pressure than I thought. I didn't think I was, but clearly he feels it.

[ChippingInAutumnLover]

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time :(

I do see where you were coming from with your first posts and I don't think there was anything wrong with feeling the way you did, but maybe now you can see where everyone else was coming from?

I'm not sure how to say this kindly, but you sense of self does seem to be VERY much tied to the way you look & dress. It's not healthy to be defined by being immaculately turned out and/or glamorous. You say your DH has low self esteem, it doesn't sound like yours is much better, just that you hide it better, superficially.

Your DH is under immense pressure, he's also upset at seeing you in so much pain, probably feeling responsible for 'getting you pregnant' again and so soon. He's working full time, doing the lions share of 'stuff' at home and caring for you best he can - all as it should be given the situation. However then, on top of that, you expect him to find the energy, switch off his caring & domestic brain and feel up for sex/intimacy (and at the same time still being very aware of not hurting you)...it's a big ask tbh especially for a man with very low self esteem.

It's no wonder he's lost his sex drive and to him it probably does feel like a permanent change and if you keep on & on about sex, then he probably does feel it might signal the end of your relationship.

Now you've pushed him into a corner, he's vocalised his fears (not terribly well) and now you are also scared it's falling apart and don't trust him to be there for you :(

What a mess.

All you can do is talk about how you both feel, show each other how much you love each other, but without any expectations and TRY to get back to where you were. Hopefully you can reassure each other that this is just a tough time to be got through and once the baby is here and settled things should start to go back to something like normal.

[WantYouToWantMe]

Thanks goodbook, I do feel reassured. At least if I know what I'm dealing with I'm dealing with the right thing.

[agoodbook]

I really dont post on relationship boards, as there are so many wise posters ahead of me. But- please , please try to relax.
As a very small contribution to the advice - I have a great husband of 38 years and 2 lovely DD , but some years ago things slid in the sex while we were having a particularly stressful time - dying MIL, totally dependant FIL and huge stress for DH at work ( during the big recession ) I really didn't pick up what were obvious signs though I knew he was tired, and slept a lot apart from the no sex . Well - he had a nervous breakdown. We got help , anti depressants ,counselling . There is light - and if it is just those things, then all I can say from my experience is that once you get through it, its actually better , though you have to be prepared for it to take time, patience and understanding , and lots of love . Wishing you well -btw - I'm not suggesting your DP will have a nervous breakdown, just to say stress does kill libido!