I want him to want me.

[WantYouToWantMe]

Dh and I have been together 3 years. I'm 32 weeks pregnant with our second baby.

He works full time and has also been picking up the slack around the house as my SPD is crippling. I can manage to look after ds (1 year old) during the day by having everything in the lounge ready for the day. But lifting, carrying, even reaching the floor to pick things up, is getting beyond me. Luckily ds is very laid back and easy. So we get through the days.

I'm struggling a bit with my identity. I've never been girly but I've always been elegant. And now I'm not. Not being able to walk means I've put on weight (not enormous amounts, well within normal, but I don't feel like me). I like to stride about and now I can barely shuffle. I'm frustrated. I'm in pain all the time. My back's gone too.

But it's not forever.

Dh is wonderful and lovely and tells me I'm beautiful. But his words don't match his actions and I'm missing the intimacy. Sex is difficult but not impossible. PIV isn't the only option anyway.

Last night we had a couple round for dinner for our first social engagement in 3 months. I got all dressed up (making a change from wearing what I can manage to get into) and felt attractive for the first time in a long time.

Dh complimented me, but when we were alone and I initiated things, well... He undressed me like a carer would, made me comfortable, and nothing more.

My issue isn't really with him. He's clearly struggling with the situation. He's working hard. It's my own vanity that is the problem. I want him to want me. He loved me being pregnant with ds, found it sexy, so I know it's not being pregnant. It's being this... Useless.

This isn't forever. We've talked and he says he wants me as much as ever. But words and actions don't match. He doesn't have to find me attractive.

But I want to stomp my feet (if I could) and shout, "but I thought I looked good last night!"

How do I not feel so upset that he doesn't want me right now for whatever reason? How do I stop being so bloody self- obsessed?

He loves me. I love him. Why do I need him to want me?

[ArsenicSoup]

Don't solidify it into a definite plan if he isn't. Men falling to bits in pregnancy isn't unknown. Bloody unhelpful and unfair, but it does happen. It might be best all round just to shush him through the wobble, if you can. You need his practical help ATM - don't give him a free pass to go off.

[escape]

Emotions are super high right now. He could be struggling with himself as much as you are with you.
Take good care of yourself and take each day at a time here...

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

No - don't assume. That will drive you mad

You need to ask him, very calmly, what he means about things being a "sign of the end of us".

That is a very serious and upsetting thing to say (as is the rest but everything kind of hinges on that)

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

want - if there is no one in RL, keep posting on here. Lots of support.

[ArsenicSoup]

Yes emergency appt good idea if you can get one, just don't go down the 'he can take time away and do nothing' route. His baby too, his pregnancy too. He has to man up.

[WantYouToWantMe]

Gobbolino he said he was just telling me his thoughts. He won't elaborate. Says he loves me.

Escape, he probably is. I know he's been worrying about getting things ready for the birth.

Arsenic, Thanks.

[ArsenicSoup]

Do youb think you are both prone to high expectations? Even prefectionism?

Have you explicitly said to each other that you are unhappy with current invalid/carer roles but will get through it together?

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Yes - absolutely agree with arsenic.

He can't just bail out. Also, you both need to think about what to do. The decision is not just his

[ArsenicSoup]

perfectionism

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

he said he was just telling me his thoughts. He won't elaborate

Unacceptable. That's like me walking DH up now, saying I'm contemplating an affair and then rolling over and going back to sleep.

That said, I suspect he's garbled this out and now thinks he acted like a tit. Hence saying he still loves you ( which I think he does). If he genuinely felt like this, I think he'd be so relieved to have it out un the open that he would extrapolate

I think he sounds very stressed and unable to articulate his feelings but has latched onto this

[ArsenicSoup]

But is this in the context of OP demanding an explanation re events in the first half of the thread?

Maybe he has blurted half an explanation then shut himself up?

[ArsenicSoup]

SPD is just so grim. I feel sorry for both of you.

I can imagine losing libido if I was scare of hurting DH TBH.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

True, arsenic

It is very hard to surmise. I hope you can get an emergency counselling appointment as I think this needs discussed

[ArsenicSoup]

scared^

[WantYouToWantMe]

He's just woken up, found me crying, told me he loves me and gone for his morning run.

It wasn't said in relation specifically to what I was worrying about in my op. Stupid, pointless, shallow, blind op that it is.

I don't know if I know anything bright now.

[WantYouToWantMe]

Arsenic, that's what I put I down to, and last night he agreed that not wanting to hurt me was the reason. But then later came out with that he didn't think his sex drive would be back when the baby came, couldn't explain why, and then said what he said about it being the end of us.

[ArsenicSoup]

These couple of months could well turn out to be the toughest of your whole marriage, which might be 50 years. If he has no libido at the moment, considering the SPD, that is perfectly natural. And a man who loses is his libido, worries.

[WantYouToWantMe]

Arsenic, I hope that post is exactly how it is. He is a wonderful man and I adore him. Utterly adore him.

[ArsenicSoup]

He's probably 'just' (ha) worried it wont come back. That some magic spell has been broken. But it will and it hasn't.

[ArsenicSoup]

Hopefully someone will come along who lived through exactly this and can reassure you.

I can tell you that my BIL was adamant that he wouldn't be at the birth because if he saw it, he would never have sex again (he said). In the event he had to help with an emergency delivery of their PFB in teir car. They now have 3 DC

[minklundy]

He says he has lost his sex drive not that he still wants sex just not with you. Those are two different things. It still hurts like hell if you are the one who feels rejected but maybe he thinks it is the end because he feels you really want sex and he cannot give it to you, therefore to be fair he may have to end it rather than it being the other way round that this is the end and that has caused the loss of sex drive if you see what I mean.

[ArsenicSoup]

And they are very happy.

[WantYouToWantMe]

Thanks, arsenic.

Mink, you could well be right.

Thank you.

He came back. Said he didn't mean it, it was just a fear. He's sorry. He's going to go to counselling. We haven't discussed a couples apt.

I can't think straight.

[MonkeyRisotto]

Speaking as a bloke, libido can be massively affected by stress. If he's tried to have sex and failed to get aroused - it can make things worse. It starts a negative feedback loop that's difficult to break out of.

I've been through this, been through the counselling, and come out the other end ok.

[WantYouToWantMe]

Thanks Monkey, he has no problems getting an erection and keeping it, he just doesn't have the urge.

He's gone to work now.

Before he went he said it was just a fear. It's my fear too now.

Thanks for all the support this morning. It's helped so much.

I'm hoping nothing has really changed. That he's stressed and worrying and said things wrong and it'll all pass.

But I don't want to rely on him now. I'm afraid.