I want him to want me.

[WantYouToWantMe]

Dh and I have been together 3 years. I'm 32 weeks pregnant with our second baby.

He works full time and has also been picking up the slack around the house as my SPD is crippling. I can manage to look after ds (1 year old) during the day by having everything in the lounge ready for the day. But lifting, carrying, even reaching the floor to pick things up, is getting beyond me. Luckily ds is very laid back and easy. So we get through the days.

I'm struggling a bit with my identity. I've never been girly but I've always been elegant. And now I'm not. Not being able to walk means I've put on weight (not enormous amounts, well within normal, but I don't feel like me). I like to stride about and now I can barely shuffle. I'm frustrated. I'm in pain all the time. My back's gone too.

But it's not forever.

Dh is wonderful and lovely and tells me I'm beautiful. But his words don't match his actions and I'm missing the intimacy. Sex is difficult but not impossible. PIV isn't the only option anyway.

Last night we had a couple round for dinner for our first social engagement in 3 months. I got all dressed up (making a change from wearing what I can manage to get into) and felt attractive for the first time in a long time.

Dh complimented me, but when we were alone and I initiated things, well... He undressed me like a carer would, made me comfortable, and nothing more.

My issue isn't really with him. He's clearly struggling with the situation. He's working hard. It's my own vanity that is the problem. I want him to want me. He loved me being pregnant with ds, found it sexy, so I know it's not being pregnant. It's being this... Useless.

This isn't forever. We've talked and he says he wants me as much as ever. But words and actions don't match. He doesn't have to find me attractive.

But I want to stomp my feet (if I could) and shout, "but I thought I looked good last night!"

How do I not feel so upset that he doesn't want me right now for whatever reason? How do I stop being so bloody self- obsessed?

He loves me. I love him. Why do I need him to want me?

[whattheseithakasmean]

Many men lose their libido when their wife is pregnant. Not everyone finds a pregnant body attractive. It is pointless saying they 'should' if they don't.

My DH didn't fancy me much when I was pregnant - fortunately I found it a bit of a turn off to. But that was years ago, our children are now older, our sex life got back on track naturally once we were through the intense white heat of the baby years.

I would not panic, this is a tough phase and it is natural the marriage may have a wobble. If you weren't bothered about sex, the issue may never have arisen and resolved itself through time.

I would step back and take the pressure of both of you. You both love each other. Everything else can be addressed through time.

[EarthDays]

He sounds as though he does really love you and is feeling under pressure and stressed out as I'm sure you are too.

Pregnancy and babies can be a massive strain on relationships. I think you need to make sure you're not putting too much pressure on him about sex at the moment, I went through periods of having no sex drive and I felt very guilty and it was hard on my partner but he didn't pressure me and it eventually came back.

[WantYouToWantMe]

Whatthese, I expected that with ds, but dh loved my pregnant body and changing shape. He says now that he finds me pregnant very attractive, so that's not the cause.

Earth I'd already said sex was off the cards before he came out with the rest.

It's the closeness I missed. I wanted to feel like more than an incubator.

I think I've got everything wrong.

[Annarose2014]

You both seem to be very defined by your libido. That means a test was always going to be on the cards for a longterm relationship. And since you've only been together 3 years, its probably about the right time for it.

He's living with someone who currently has high needs - you not only need a carer, but you need a lot of emotional reassurance and hand-holding. Thats fine, but its not easy. You're asking he be basically amazing in every aspect of his life, great Dad, great companion, great carer, great at work, great at housework, and ......horny. Its a bit too much for him and one aspect - his libido - has simply gone "I'm out!" and slipped out the door. And now he's beating himself up hugely over that. He's letting you down, he's letting himself down, he's fucking up everything.

You both need to start seeing libido in less definatory terms. In a long term relationship, it will ebb and flow. And thats normal. I'm heavily pregnant myself and we've done it once since 36 weeks. I don't have SPD - its just too much effort for both of us right now. I'm too big, baby is too big, we're knackered. And thats OK! Cos we've been together over a decade and have had ebbs and flows before. Life happens, shit happens. We've had parents die, went through terrible illness - do you think we were shagging regularly then? NOPE!

I very much doubt its a relationship killer in this case. Sounds like two highly stressed people freaking out. Its highly possible you two won't have sex again for the rest of the pregnancy. But you know what? Thats OK. You need to take it off the table and just both try to be sweet to each other until all this stress abates.

[EarthDays]

From what you write he seems like a genuine man who is trying hard to be perfect but is failing and could be starting to crack from all the pressure. This is a hard time for relationships and as you say yours is only 3 years old so it's a lot to happen in a short amount of time.

[WantYouToWantMe]

Anna, actually the emotional support and handholding goes the other way. He cares for my practical needs but I do the reassuring. Dh has low self esteem.

I think my op is misleading insofar as there has been a natural ebb. In the past couple of months we've only had sex 3 or 4 times, all prompted by me wanting to talk about missing feeling close to him. All conversations resulted in dh saying he wanted more and would initiate. Which he never did.

But now I have the truth I can at least see the problem for what it is, and not what I thought it was.

I would like to be able to lean on dh emotionally but I knew he was stressed and already worrying about practicalities. I would love to be able to really scream when I hurt and not pretend I'm ok because I don't want him to worry.

I'm the coper. But not today.

I currently define myself by how much I hate my body for not doing what I need it to. I wanted my body to be something else. This probably sounds really weird. I wanted it to be the cause of pleasure for me and for dh, and not pain and work. Just now and again.

It was a stupid plan. My body is me and there's no point pretending it's something separate that I can hate.

[NoMarymary]

As I said earlier pain and depression is not a great aphrodisiac. The fact your DH has no sex drive is a good thing because it means you are the object of his sexual desire and he won't be looking elsewhere, which sadly many men do when their partner is pregnant.

He found you sexy during your first pregnancy because you didn't have severe SPD and were not tired from caring for a toddler. Most women say the first pregnancy is a different experience than subsequent ones.

I agree don't pressurise him further. That would be counter productive for both of you. I don't see him needing long term counselling for any serious problems as what he is experiencing is very normal. A couple of sessions with relate just to reassure both of you that your marriage is strong, your feelings are normal and things will get better.

Despite being friends before getting together as a couple you both seem to have got married with a 'happily ever after' mindset, rather than a realistic view of marriage. Stop having such high expectations of yourselves and each other. A short marriage, pregnancy and a toddler has shifted both your expectations and perceptions. Give yourself time and space and back off. It will be fine. It's stress.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Arsenic has given some good advice and I feel AnnaRose has it right.

Three years together is not long and you both seem to have hit the panic button rather prematurely.

This must be really really stressful for you, for you both, and I imagine you feel that if you have sex then its like a plaster and it means you are together and will show how close you are.

But you ARE close - in other ways - and you WILL be sexually close again, but I feel you would both feel better if you said, hmm, the next four months or so are not about sex but about tea and sympathy and love and that (miserable as it sounds!) is going to have to suffice...

Your DH is probably feeling very frightened that he has no sex drive - and he is possibly thinking you will leave him if that continues - which is more pressure for himself. But I think for a sensitive man its quite normal to have no sex drive when your partner is poorly.

Things Will get better.

[NoMarymary]

X posted. You need to stop fighting yourself and the changes you can't control. You want to control your body but you can't. Relax and go with it. I hated and loathed my second pregnancy (the first I could just about bear). SPD, haemorrhoids, back pain, reflux. It was a form of torture for me and I even hated my unborn baby. That all changed the minute she was born but I appreciate how awful it is. It gets better, sex returns and you control your body again. Try to relax and accept this.

[WantYouToWantMe]

Thanks Mary, I do agree with much of what you're saying. I wouldn't say either of us have a happy ever after view. We're both on our second marriages. I'm very much the realist.

Dh is putting far too much pressure on himself. Work has been stressful lately and I think that's been a factor.

We're probably both just exhausted.

I'm complaining on here because I don't want to burden him. Hope that's ok.

[WantYouToWantMe]

Xpost, yes the plaster is probably true. The, "if I can do this then we're fine".

I love him, he loves me. He's a good man.

I would appreciate it if he hadn't decided to catastrophise things quite so much. There was no need to say that he feared we would end.

[agoodbook]

I really dont post on relationship boards, as there are so many wise posters ahead of me. But- please , please try to relax.
As a very small contribution to the advice - I have a great husband of 38 years and 2 lovely DD , but some years ago things slid in the sex while we were having a particularly stressful time - dying MIL, totally dependant FIL and huge stress for DH at work ( during the big recession ) I really didn't pick up what were obvious signs though I knew he was tired, and slept a lot apart from the no sex . Well - he had a nervous breakdown. We got help , anti depressants ,counselling . There is light - and if it is just those things, then all I can say from my experience is that once you get through it, its actually better , though you have to be prepared for it to take time, patience and understanding , and lots of love . Wishing you well -btw - I'm not suggesting your DP will have a nervous breakdown, just to say stress does kill libido!

[WantYouToWantMe]

Thanks goodbook, I do feel reassured. At least if I know what I'm dealing with I'm dealing with the right thing.

[ChippingInAutumnLover]

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time :(

I do see where you were coming from with your first posts and I don't think there was anything wrong with feeling the way you did, but maybe now you can see where everyone else was coming from?

I'm not sure how to say this kindly, but you sense of self does seem to be VERY much tied to the way you look & dress. It's not healthy to be defined by being immaculately turned out and/or glamorous. You say your DH has low self esteem, it doesn't sound like yours is much better, just that you hide it better, superficially.

Your DH is under immense pressure, he's also upset at seeing you in so much pain, probably feeling responsible for 'getting you pregnant' again and so soon. He's working full time, doing the lions share of 'stuff' at home and caring for you best he can - all as it should be given the situation. However then, on top of that, you expect him to find the energy, switch off his caring & domestic brain and feel up for sex/intimacy (and at the same time still being very aware of not hurting you)...it's a big ask tbh especially for a man with very low self esteem.

It's no wonder he's lost his sex drive and to him it probably does feel like a permanent change and if you keep on & on about sex, then he probably does feel it might signal the end of your relationship.

Now you've pushed him into a corner, he's vocalised his fears (not terribly well) and now you are also scared it's falling apart and don't trust him to be there for you :(

What a mess.

All you can do is talk about how you both feel, show each other how much you love each other, but without any expectations and TRY to get back to where you were. Hopefully you can reassure each other that this is just a tough time to be got through and once the baby is here and settled things should start to go back to something like normal.

[WantYouToWantMe]

Thanks chipping. I'm not immaculately turned out usually. Not by any stretch. I'm usually very confident in my looks. I rarely wear makeup, prioritise comfort over anything else, and am much happier in jeans and a tshirt than anything else.

I had wondered if dh's lack of interest was due to us not making an effort for each other. That's why I used Saturday's meal as an excuse to dress up for a change. Stick some slap on and wear a dress.

Dh said I looked lovely, but added that I looked no more lovely than usual. Which I thought was a lovely thing to say.

I had already said that I accepted we wouldn't be having a sex life for the next few months when he came out with what he did.

I'm really not a sex pest :) promise.

But yes. What's done is done. What's said is said.

We'll get through this. It isn't the end by any means. It is still a temporary problem that will pass.

Once I've pulled myself together I'll be back to reassuring him. I clearly had been putting on more pressure than I thought. I didn't think I was, but clearly he feels it.

[minklundy]

I know this is the same old advice trotted out but can you also say to him no sex is fine but you still need to hug, to sit side by side, to touch and for him not to be scared to do tgat in case you think he is initiating. So put a no to sex but yes to non sexual but intimate touch rule in place. Takes the pressure off and stops you becoming distant iyswim

[WantYouToWantMe]

Mink, I will spell that out. Thank you.

I do need some emotional support too. Dh can't do that now.

I think what I want for this birth needs to change too. We were going to have a home birth, but a room needs clearing and redecorating for that to happen, which is just more stuff to do for dh.

With the SPD I need to limit the amount of time I'm off my feet. Ds was two weeks late and ended up in a horrendous induction. I don't want that again. I think a c-section may be the solution.

[WantYouToWantMe]

Sorry, I need to talk.

Had some messages from dh saying he's made an apt with his gp to discuss depression and ADs.

XH had depression. XH was an abusive twunt who used his depression as an excuse to not have his actions questioned

I'm scared. I shouldn't be. Dh is ill. He's seeking help.

Fucking bollocksy hell!

How will we cope?

[ArsenicSoup]

Your DH isn't your EXH. You know that.

I think the fact that he has got himself to the surgery so fast is a pretty good sign, in fact.

Try to relax (hollow laugh). He is doing all the right things and has been all along from your account. He said one daft thing when put on the spot and he has immediately examined the feelings of stress etc and responded appropriately to them.

I think you have a good one

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

want - I know it's hard not to but you're getting a bit ahead of yourself.

Your DH is obviously trying to get help and that is to be commended

When you say who will we cope, what are you worried about? There's no reason that your DH can't remain a good father/husband/employee whilst on ADs

[ArsenicSoup]

The depression in probably largely situational and will likely resolve when your SPD does.

[WantYouToWantMe]

He is a good one. He's not XH, nothing like him.

I'm scared of having to give dh reserves I don't have. I'm scared he'll change. I'm probably being completely irrational. I'm certainly being hormonal on top of everything.

I just want things to be simple

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

He sounds lovely, op. He sees a problem and tries to work it out for you both. This is all good.

Once the baby is here, you will both feel so much happier I'm sure. For now, I realise that you are frustrated in every way, but you do need to relax and - much as it will annoy you - just incubate ;) for the last few weeks!

[ArsenicSoup]

And there is evidence for that in the fact that he has expressed specific concern/guilt about this pregnancy. Which would also tie in with concern for you and the loss of libido.

It stacks up as something likely to get better after the birth want. Honestly. All of it. By the time the night feeds are over, this will all be a memory. Try not to get too stressed yourself.

[agoodbook]

want your logic is faulty! don't panic - he's doing all the right things, and though you are the one needing the physical help, give him your mental strength - because you do have it - you've shown that by posting on here. Just try to stay calm, and give him room to recover . With my DH it was music and books that helped him, and also very predictably , fresh air , just going walking on the beach, country lanes with us all, giving his brain a rest.