DH giving money to PILs after agreeing not to

[slatersrow]

NC. My PIL have frittered away every penning; sold their house, crap businesses, first class travel etc and now insist on living free in my BIL's holiday house and demanding an allowance from other BIL.

They have lots of china, jewellery etc that could be sold but won't. They have been made bankrupt several times.

My DH and his brothers are scared of their DF who is a bully, so easier to give him money and sweep all difficult conversations under the carpet.

My DH and I agreed a long time ago that we'd be supportive but detached and that he would not give them money.

I discovered last week that he's been paying them an allowance. I'm upset and hurt he has gone behind my back and have no idea how to approach this calmly or what resolution I should hope for?

I thinking Alice's response was just brilliant. As I read the thread I felt increasingly sorry for your both you and your DH

As another PP said, it's just not use saying he needs to stand up to them/stop the money/grow a backbone and suchlike. Some people are simply not that strong in the face of (probable) life long intimidation.

You sound very caring and measured and I think when he realises that for you, it's not "the money" but you are offering a bucketload of support will be an overwhelming relief for him. All the best and will you keep us updated?

I've got such a lump in my throat reading some of these kind and understanding answers.

Shouting and giving ultimatums is how my PILs work; it's what my DH expects and he can handle that kind of confrontation with me - it escalates, we go silent, we apologise and we pretend it never happened.

I came here because I wanted to break that cycle. Me being furious was, I realise, my bruised ego that he had lied to me. Reading that he may have done so because he was afraid of all of us and wanted to please everyone was like a lightbulb going on.

I tried to approach it from a place of understanding, and not the usual fury and laying down the law and pointing out his flaws and weaknesses and thus making him feel even shittier.

We spoke today. It wasn't easy, but it was respectful and loving and calm and unbelievably productive. Because I said I wasn't angry and I wanted to understand and help, he really opened up in a way he has not done for some time, and some of his insights were astonishing and really sad.

We have begun. He will have some counselling and we will deal with the PIL mess together and bring everything into the open.

I think he was so relieved to talk. He's not a stupid man and he would be the first to call out that kind of abuse in other people and he was so sad that he'd let things get to such a twisted place. I felt awful that his fear of my contempt for his parents had made him feel and act so alone.

It was sad and hopeful and I want to thank all of you again and say how helpful this all was. And that I have learned a valuable lesson about sitting and thinking before speaking which, had I not NC, would have had some of you pissing yourselves in hysterical amazement.

Is it too early for ?!

Glad you're feeling more positive OP. dying to know you're usual name though

*your

slatersrow so glad to hear you're both moving forward together with this. Best of luck.

So nice to read your update OP. Glad you and DH were able to talk and he opened up more.

Its not his fault his parents are the ways they are; their own families of origin did that lot of damage to them. His own very real and understandable fear of them (due to inbuilt conditioning which is going to be very hard to break completely) got him to that place he now finds himself in. I hope he has fully realised that giving his parents money only served really to further hurt his own self.

I sincerely hope he and you do find ways forward. Reading Toxic Inlaws for you would be a good start as you could further understand the power and control dynamics that are being played out here by his parents.

Regarding a counsellor he needs to find someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

slatersrow thanks for updating. Weirdly I have been thinking of you and your DH a lot. It sounds sad but positive at the same time. Good luck with moving on from this

And yy to what attila says about some counsellors. Some of them don't really understand toxic relationships and believe that by talking and compromising everything can be solved eventually. Tisn't so :(

Wow. I for one am so proud of you OP!

I think you've done exactly the right thing and I sincerely hope you and your DH can work through this and come out stronger at the end.

Not just a whole bottle maybe