DH giving money to PILs after agreeing not to

[slatersrow]

NC. My PIL have frittered away every penning; sold their house, crap businesses, first class travel etc and now insist on living free in my BIL's holiday house and demanding an allowance from other BIL.

They have lots of china, jewellery etc that could be sold but won't. They have been made bankrupt several times.

My DH and his brothers are scared of their DF who is a bully, so easier to give him money and sweep all difficult conversations under the carpet.

My DH and I agreed a long time ago that we'd be supportive but detached and that he would not give them money.

I discovered last week that he's been paying them an allowance. I'm upset and hurt he has gone behind my back and have no idea how to approach this calmly or what resolution I should hope for?

Take charge of all your family expenses. Take away his cards, change PINs, passwords etc. Have his salary paid into a joint account only you can access. Give him £50 (or however much you can afford) pocket money each week.

Take charge of all your family expenses. Take away his cards, change PINs, passwords etc. Have his salary paid into a joint account only you can access. Give him £50 (or however much you can afford) pocket money each week

That's financial abuse.

Are you allowing you intense dislike of your PILS to influence your judgement and what your DH and his brothers feel about their parents? You say they are frightened of them, but they are all adults and apparently in a better financial position than their parents, so are not worried about being disinherited and are not interested in their non existent property. Therefore if you rule out the financial aspect they have no need to tiptoe around people you say are so hateful.

Your DH and his brothers are successful, independent and confident in their own lives and I find it difficult fear of a bullying father lasts this long into adult life. There must be another reason they are supporting their parents. Maybe they don't feel their parents are feckless or if they do they feel a debt towards then? Just because you hate them doesn't mean they are as vile as you say, we are after all only getting one side of the story.

If my DH slagged off or hated my parents who I was helping out at a difficult time I would probably get a bit shouty and angry too.

If he can afford to help his parents then it's up to him provided you still have a good standard of living. If anyone sounds bullying it's you. Maybe your DH went behind your back because he knew your reaction would be negative to his parents, who he maybe sees as unlucky and not feckless.

Roar equally dysfunctional. He's afraid of both brothers; one is a bully and the other pretends to be the hold-everything-together-guy who thinks they should all give money and then he gets to look generous and noble. He's an emotional blackmailer.

They are very scattered geographically and the sort of family who all talk about each other all of the time, but never ever about the fact the PILs are horrible scroungers.

The PILs encourage all sorts of nasty petty little feuds.

My DH thinks this is how everyone is.

I presume the pp about taking his credit cards and his wages was not serious....

"If he can afford to help his parents then it's up to him provided you still have a good standard of living"

It's not 'up to him' to unilaterally go back on an agreement with the OP. The money is almost immaterial as is the OP's feelings towards the PILs. People who break promises are showing huge disrespect to the other person and are damaging a very important part of a relationship i.e. trust.

NoMary there may be some truth in your words. I do dislike them intensely.

But the brothers do tiptoe around, and not because they are afraid of disinheritance. My DH is successful, one of the others absolutely not and the other married very well so it is his wife's money he is generous with.

They sit in his company almost quaking, waiting to see who can laugh loudest and quickest and telling their own children to sit quietly so he doesn't become irritated. Believe me, they are very afraid of him.

They're not unlucky. They just think they should wear cashmere and fly first class and someone else should pick up the bill. No bad luck there at all; no illness, only self-imposed bankruptcy through throwing good money after bad over decades despite everyone knowing it wouldn't work, they were all to afraid to say so out loud to my PIL.

It's because I don't want my reaction to be disproportionate that I'm posting.

I think he's going to have difficulty telling them he is stopping the allowance more than anything else!

What would be their response on hearing that do you think OP?

How much is it?

I agree. But people who order their husband not to help their parents also have a few questions to answer. Putting someone in an impossible position is a sure fire way of forcing them to go being their back!

You more likely than not dislike your ILs intensely primarily because of the ways in which you have all been treated. Your DH and brothers have been conditioned and bullied into bailing out his parents.

Does your DH actually say he is afraid of his parents?

How about a calm conversation asking why he feels he needs to help his parents out?

How about accepting his point of view and not superimpose your own perceptions on the issue?

If you are outraged by his actions and your anger is demonstrated all he will do is become angry and defensive.

You don't have the right to tell another adult what he can and can't do especially when his parents are involved.

If you are reasonable and find he is giving the money because of fear of his parents then that's the time to educate him and help him be stronger if that's what he wants.

"But people who order their husband not to help their parents also have a few questions to answer"

Handing them money is not helping them either, enabling behaviour helps no-one and just gives the husband here a false sense of control. His parents will soon be asking him for another handout soon enough because it is all take, take, take with such self absorbed people.

It has been previously decided between them that they were going to detach and that no more money was going to be handed over (for them to simply further fritter away).

To my mind OPs DH and his brothers have been bullied and coerced their entire lives into doing their parents bidding.

I think they will simply refuse to countenance it so he will be unable to have the debate if past history is an indicate of how they'll react. They will immediately shut down the debate and then call the other brothers for a worried chat that my DH is 'hysterical' and 'under too much pressure' and 'not thinking straight'. Tis is how they have reacted in the past. They are truly awful people.

I never 'ordered' him not to do anything. We agreed that our help would never become financial.

They bail them out constantly and then rewrite everything so my PIL is still the big swinging hero.

Fear, obligation and guilt comes to the fore here; a combination of all three feelings within him is likely why an allowance was paid to his parents in the first place. OPs DHs mistake here amongst others (namely given them cash in the first place) was to keep this a secret from his wife. He is more afraid of his parents that he ever is or would be of his wife.

So, do you both not have your own money to do with what you chose without needing to justify it? Is everything from a joint account?

Surely couples have rights to their own money and rights to do with it what they want? If he insists on subsidising his parents that should come only from his money if you don't agree to it?

He worries all the time about how they will react to things like us booking tickets for shows or going away for the weekend. He lies to them about being ill so that he can avoid speaking to them. He doesn't have to say 'I am afraid of them.' He is. In their presence he physically cowers. The children notice, all our friends have commented. He is horribly in fear of them. He was almost physically sick when he needed to tell them we'd changed a holiday arrangement because it was too expensive for us.

You're right it needs to be help if he wants it, I just need to find a way of gently pointing out how unhealthy it all is and getting him to take steps to become stronger.

Joysmum it's always been a joint account; he has always insisted everything we had we shared.

NoMaryMary - do you really honestly believe it is acceptable for these adults to expect their offspring to fund their extravagant lifestyle for ever more? It's not "helping" as you call it, is it? It's being a doormat.

I would suggest your DH read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward (along with "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth). Would he also want to speak to a counsellor about his relationship with his dysfunctional parents?.

Maintaining your own firm and consistent boundaries re these people would certainly help your DH here. I would also keep your children well away from them as well.

You need to find out what he wants.

He is clearly between a rock and a hard place.

I find it difficult to understand how a strong independent successful man can become a quivering wreck where his parents are concerned. There must be more to why he is giving this money. You may have 'agreed' but was it his idea not to give money and you agreed? Or the other way round.

You won't get anywhere if you come across as bullying and accusing. I'm sure you know this. You need to be calm and accept his POV if he chooses to help his parents. If there is fear of them involved he needs some counselling to overcome the childhood anxieties as most people would be able to stand up to their parents when they reach his level of seniority and independence.

Family relationships (inc siblings) are far more complicated than just feeling bullied or intimidated and you and he need to explore this.

Joysmum, in my family all our money is shared money, there is no 'this is my money I'll do what I like with it even if you don't agree'. If course we have money to do with what we please, but this is a bit different. You can't agree something then go behind your husband or wife's back and do it anyway.

X posted, but you need to approach this all with care and get him help. It may be total detachment from his parents and /or brothers.

If he is as fearful as you say, helping him overcome this is more important than the money involved.

I think I'd directly ask them why they are taking money from their grandchildren and why they are incapable of finding themselves - deflated that sense that they are the 'hero'.

It would absolutely throw a hand grenade into the situation though. I wonder if your DH would be more afraid of that than giving the money? Maybe that would also be as bad as your inlaws though. It's tough. :(

I think you are going to need to be firm about this and say how he has broke your trust. Perhaps practice with him some techniques for refusing, like broken record: "we need that money for our children." And just repeat repeat repeat to everything he's asked.

"I find it difficult to understand how a strong independent successful man can become a quivering wreck where his parents are concerned"

That's nice for you and I am truly glad for you that you have never seen such familial dysfunction. I have though and it does an awful lot of damage. The fear, obligation and guilt shown by such self absorbed parents to their now adult offspring should never be underestimated.