Wish I could undo things I said!

[excitedbutscared]

This is going to sound quite trivial to most of you but I've got myself into a right panic!

You may have seen a previous post I put on here about feeling anxious and scared about my relationship with my man who I have been with for about 9 months.. I resolved to deciding not to let on how insecure I was feeling because I think that once the balance is unset, you will always feel like the 'weaker one' in the relationship and you're automatically going to seem as the 'needy one'

Well, I completely messed up at the weekend! We were having such a great time together.. He had been constantly telling me how deeply in love he is with me and we even started planning a trip to the Madives in January.. Anyway, we had a heavy weekend with parties and drinking and not a lot of sleep and on Saturday night, we went to see a band and I realised that he was missing for about 15 minutes so I went outside to see if I could find him and he was on the phone to his ex girlfriend, who he is still good friends with and lives near to him..

I don't know what came over me but I started saying I felt second best to her, and started questioning him on the circumstances of their break up and doubting his feelings for me. At first he attempted to reassure me saying he loves me, not her etc but I must have kept on about it and I really annoyed him as he said he 'doesn't need this shit' and that he doesn't have to justify his friendship with his ex as they have known each other for over 20 years.

I apologised this morning and said it was a mixture of too much alcohol, not enough sleep and pmt that caused my little outburst and I said that I didn't really think that way and I was unfair on him about it. He said he is concerned I feel that way and that I must feel it as I wouldn't have said it at all if I didnt!

Now, I'm really worried I've damaged our relationship. I've said it, and I can't unsay it.. We spent the day together but there was a tense atmosphere and I really don't know how I can reset the balance and get things back to how they were..

I know this sounds so trivial compared to other people's issues I've read about in here so for that I apologise.. It's just really worrying me.. I fear I've messed things up big style

[YouAreMyRain]

I think it's worth exploring some counselling for yourself as you are clearly feeling very anxious and unable to express yourself.

It's hard to say wether it's him that's causing this or not. Your anxiety has lasted for the entire relationship but that could be the case for any relationship that you are in before you are ready.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Chances are the truth is somewhere in between it being 100% insecurity or 100% untrustworthy partner. It's just a personal observation but I think someone who is normally reasonably confident and level-headed would not be feeling 'down, paranoid and anxious' without there being some reason behind it - intangible or tangible. I had an example of that in my own life & kept telling myself I was overreacting, overthinking, being suspicious. Eventually turned out that I had been right to have doubts.

[excitedbutscared]

This is where I'm not sure cogito - I mean whether it's me that creates this angst and inevitable behaves in a way to MAKE the ones I should deserve to be with to, well, not be and that I'm stronger, level-headed etc when I'm with someone who I feel may not be quite as well suited, but they are safer because I have the upper hand in a way and do that to protect myself from getting hurt. Maybe this guy is untrustworthy, but until now, he hasn't really shown me anything apart from love and respect, although I have always felt so anxious and paranoid but that's because he's so amazing!! In my head, a 'better' man than anyone since my first husband that hurt me so badly.

How long had things gone on with you, how intensely etc, before things ended? Were you relieved and are you happier now?

[superstarheartbreaker]

You see I don't understand why his ex girlfriend is phoning him with her relationship problems. That's not normal.
But then I don't stay friends with my exes so what do I know? Even so, why does this women not have any girl friends to phone with her problems?
I have male friends who I have never dated as they are just friends, I don't fancy them and when they get a woman I back right off out of respect for their relationships.

The trouble with these kind of " friendships" us that that they obviously fancy each other as they have been out twice and they are far too emotionally invested as they have other partners. What his ex is hinting is that she's not happy with her new man.... So why us she moaning about it to your dp and why isn't he putting down boundaries?

I wouldn't be happy with it and I'd have said something too op. No wonder your anxious. He needs to put in his boundaries and tell ex to back off.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

In my case it was a 12 year relationship which was - ironically after what you've said - imbalanced as I always thought he was much more enthusiastic about me than I was about him. He had MANY and varied faults but I thought he was 'safe' in terms of fidelity - largely because he was no oil-painting. :) When he started his affair his behaviour changed too subtly to point to anything specific but enough for me to feel anxious and wondering if I was going mad. I was not relieved to be told the truth and it was very upsetting when he left but, looking back, I'm glad I had the experience because it taught me to trust my intuition and not dismiss myself as paranoid.

[Lweji]

If this man was posting here I think we'd be advising him to make a clean break with the ex.
I wouldn't worry if she had just been a friend all their lives, but she is twice an ex and a recent one. My instincts would be similar to yours. :(

What to do, though?
Break up with him and quickly move on before you get hurt.
Continue but keep it light and see what happens.
Continue if he breaks off with her, but risk resentment an lies.

[excitedbutscared]

Yes Lweji I would too. What's ironic is that on one of our very first dates before I knew all of this, I told him I was still friends with an ex and he said 'oh I don't think ex partners can still be friends.. there's too much between them and one always still has feelings for the other'. Ha!

Re your options.. I think I'm too late for number 1, number 2 I could probably just about do.. but it will still be very hard to go to 'being light' after it being so loved up and intense, 3 - I think will be a big mistake if I insisted and it wouldn't be a great relationship as he is bound to resent me for it

I've heard bits and pieces from him by text, but nothing like it was before my little outburst on Saturday. We normally see each other on Wednesday nights and weekends (he lives about an hour away from me) and when I asked if we were seeing each other tonight, he asked if we could put it off until the weekend as he has the dentists today and has work to catch up on. This is the first time he has done this.

I feel torn between doing whatever I can to save this relationship (we are highly compatible and he obviously adored me.. before Saturday haha) or just walking away. Perhaps how to save it - if even possible - is to pull back myself..

God - relationships can be so hard! When I was young, I never dreamed things would be like this. I just thought I would get married, have kids and live happily ever after. I always looked at people who broke up and thought 'that'll never be me' and now look! Two failed marriages, one two year relationship with a 'mate' who I knew was never going to be 'the one' and now I've fallen head over heels with someone who makes me feel paranoid and insecure.

[sonjadog]

If I were you, I'd take a step back now and let him contact you at the weekend. If he doesn't, then I think you should break it off. I wouldn't do anything to try to "save" it now, I think that would have the opposite affect right now.

[FelicityGubbins]

I've read this thread a few times and not commented because I couldn't quite put my finger on what i thought, it's actually that rather than "adoring you" as you put it, to me he seems to have been more smitten and all starry eyed lover...very much like the married (and therefore already committed) man in the first flush of an affair, and now you have pissed him off by making a statement about his commitment (lack) to you..
His disappearing act to take the ex's call very much seems like the call home to the wife
I think you have dodged a bullet tbh!

[Lweji]

Yes, I think detaching is the best at the moment.
It will help you see him more and more for what he is too and it may make it easier to let go.

[excitedbutscared]

Felicity That's exactly how it feels now you put it like that...

I have backed off, only texting when he does and not being gooey at all.

I've had quite a few texts from him but absolutely nothing 'lovey'.. just basic catch up texts

It's going to take ages to get it back to where it was, if ever, if I even want to if felicity's theory is right!