Wish I could undo things I said!

[excitedbutscared]

This is going to sound quite trivial to most of you but I've got myself into a right panic!

You may have seen a previous post I put on here about feeling anxious and scared about my relationship with my man who I have been with for about 9 months.. I resolved to deciding not to let on how insecure I was feeling because I think that once the balance is unset, you will always feel like the 'weaker one' in the relationship and you're automatically going to seem as the 'needy one'

Well, I completely messed up at the weekend! We were having such a great time together.. He had been constantly telling me how deeply in love he is with me and we even started planning a trip to the Madives in January.. Anyway, we had a heavy weekend with parties and drinking and not a lot of sleep and on Saturday night, we went to see a band and I realised that he was missing for about 15 minutes so I went outside to see if I could find him and he was on the phone to his ex girlfriend, who he is still good friends with and lives near to him..

I don't know what came over me but I started saying I felt second best to her, and started questioning him on the circumstances of their break up and doubting his feelings for me. At first he attempted to reassure me saying he loves me, not her etc but I must have kept on about it and I really annoyed him as he said he 'doesn't need this shit' and that he doesn't have to justify his friendship with his ex as they have known each other for over 20 years.

I apologised this morning and said it was a mixture of too much alcohol, not enough sleep and pmt that caused my little outburst and I said that I didn't really think that way and I was unfair on him about it. He said he is concerned I feel that way and that I must feel it as I wouldn't have said it at all if I didnt!

Now, I'm really worried I've damaged our relationship. I've said it, and I can't unsay it.. We spent the day together but there was a tense atmosphere and I really don't know how I can reset the balance and get things back to how they were..

I know this sounds so trivial compared to other people's issues I've read about in here so for that I apologise.. It's just really worrying me.. I fear I've messed things up big style

[excitedbutscared]

Felicity That's exactly how it feels now you put it like that...

I have backed off, only texting when he does and not being gooey at all.

I've had quite a few texts from him but absolutely nothing 'lovey'.. just basic catch up texts

It's going to take ages to get it back to where it was, if ever, if I even want to if felicity's theory is right!

[Lweji]

Yes, I think detaching is the best at the moment.
It will help you see him more and more for what he is too and it may make it easier to let go.

[FelicityGubbins]

I've read this thread a few times and not commented because I couldn't quite put my finger on what i thought, it's actually that rather than "adoring you" as you put it, to me he seems to have been more smitten and all starry eyed lover...very much like the married (and therefore already committed) man in the first flush of an affair, and now you have pissed him off by making a statement about his commitment (lack) to you..
His disappearing act to take the ex's call very much seems like the call home to the wife
I think you have dodged a bullet tbh!

[sonjadog]

If I were you, I'd take a step back now and let him contact you at the weekend. If he doesn't, then I think you should break it off. I wouldn't do anything to try to "save" it now, I think that would have the opposite affect right now.

[excitedbutscared]

Yes Lweji I would too. What's ironic is that on one of our very first dates before I knew all of this, I told him I was still friends with an ex and he said 'oh I don't think ex partners can still be friends.. there's too much between them and one always still has feelings for the other'. Ha!

Re your options.. I think I'm too late for number 1, number 2 I could probably just about do.. but it will still be very hard to go to 'being light' after it being so loved up and intense, 3 - I think will be a big mistake if I insisted and it wouldn't be a great relationship as he is bound to resent me for it

I've heard bits and pieces from him by text, but nothing like it was before my little outburst on Saturday. We normally see each other on Wednesday nights and weekends (he lives about an hour away from me) and when I asked if we were seeing each other tonight, he asked if we could put it off until the weekend as he has the dentists today and has work to catch up on. This is the first time he has done this.

I feel torn between doing whatever I can to save this relationship (we are highly compatible and he obviously adored me.. before Saturday haha) or just walking away. Perhaps how to save it - if even possible - is to pull back myself..

God - relationships can be so hard! When I was young, I never dreamed things would be like this. I just thought I would get married, have kids and live happily ever after. I always looked at people who broke up and thought 'that'll never be me' and now look! Two failed marriages, one two year relationship with a 'mate' who I knew was never going to be 'the one' and now I've fallen head over heels with someone who makes me feel paranoid and insecure.

[Lweji]

If this man was posting here I think we'd be advising him to make a clean break with the ex.
I wouldn't worry if she had just been a friend all their lives, but she is twice an ex and a recent one. My instincts would be similar to yours. :(

What to do, though?
Break up with him and quickly move on before you get hurt.
Continue but keep it light and see what happens.
Continue if he breaks off with her, but risk resentment an lies.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

In my case it was a 12 year relationship which was - ironically after what you've said - imbalanced as I always thought he was much more enthusiastic about me than I was about him. He had MANY and varied faults but I thought he was 'safe' in terms of fidelity - largely because he was no oil-painting. :) When he started his affair his behaviour changed too subtly to point to anything specific but enough for me to feel anxious and wondering if I was going mad. I was not relieved to be told the truth and it was very upsetting when he left but, looking back, I'm glad I had the experience because it taught me to trust my intuition and not dismiss myself as paranoid.

[superstarheartbreaker]

You see I don't understand why his ex girlfriend is phoning him with her relationship problems. That's not normal.
But then I don't stay friends with my exes so what do I know? Even so, why does this women not have any girl friends to phone with her problems?
I have male friends who I have never dated as they are just friends, I don't fancy them and when they get a woman I back right off out of respect for their relationships.

The trouble with these kind of " friendships" us that that they obviously fancy each other as they have been out twice and they are far too emotionally invested as they have other partners. What his ex is hinting is that she's not happy with her new man.... So why us she moaning about it to your dp and why isn't he putting down boundaries?

I wouldn't be happy with it and I'd have said something too op. No wonder your anxious. He needs to put in his boundaries and tell ex to back off.

[excitedbutscared]

This is where I'm not sure cogito - I mean whether it's me that creates this angst and inevitable behaves in a way to MAKE the ones I should deserve to be with to, well, not be and that I'm stronger, level-headed etc when I'm with someone who I feel may not be quite as well suited, but they are safer because I have the upper hand in a way and do that to protect myself from getting hurt. Maybe this guy is untrustworthy, but until now, he hasn't really shown me anything apart from love and respect, although I have always felt so anxious and paranoid but that's because he's so amazing!! In my head, a 'better' man than anyone since my first husband that hurt me so badly.

How long had things gone on with you, how intensely etc, before things ended? Were you relieved and are you happier now?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Chances are the truth is somewhere in between it being 100% insecurity or 100% untrustworthy partner. It's just a personal observation but I think someone who is normally reasonably confident and level-headed would not be feeling 'down, paranoid and anxious' without there being some reason behind it - intangible or tangible. I had an example of that in my own life & kept telling myself I was overreacting, overthinking, being suspicious. Eventually turned out that I had been right to have doubts.

[YouAreMyRain]

I think it's worth exploring some counselling for yourself as you are clearly feeling very anxious and unable to express yourself.

It's hard to say wether it's him that's causing this or not. Your anxiety has lasted for the entire relationship but that could be the case for any relationship that you are in before you are ready.

[excitedbutscared]

I know I need to back off.. it's so hard to do that when you are feeling even more insecure than normal though - it's like the last thing you want to do when what you really need right now is reassurance and closeness.

I really do feel like I have messed up. He's barely talked to me since but has just sent a message in response to mine saying 'speak tonight my beautiful' which is good news I guess?

The more I talk about it, the more I feel that I am going to be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy if I keep doubting things, feeling down, paranoid and anxious. The only thing that is going to ruin things is myself and I need help! Maybe even professional help. The thing I can't work out is if it is ME that is the problem and I need to fix that before I will have a truly successful relationship with someone I feel I deserve (rather than settling for the safer bets so I don't get hurt which is what I have done for the past 15 years) or whether it is actually him and his behaviour that is causing me to feel this way.

Answers on a postcard!

[mariposaazul]

I'm not sure it's good to discuss the source of yr anxieties any more at this stage - he might think you are projecting onto him what another man did to you.
Also it would be unreasonable to expect him to drop a friend of 20+ years so you need to decide if you can live with it or not. You imply she called him - maybe to discuss her current relationship problems - & you can't hear anything at a gig so it's reasonable that he went outside. And when a friend needs to talk you don't cut them off so he might have wanted to come back sooner but felt unable to.
I hope you both get past this.

[sonjadog]

Why not tell him you are anxious and explain why that is? You have good reasons from past experiences. Sometimes supressed emotions grow bigger and more significant than needs be and when we express them they stop dominating us in the way they have been. It sounds like things have gotten very pent up inside you.

However, I would also leave it for a bit before contacting him. It sounds like a little space for a day or two might be a good idea.

[VanitasVanitatum]

you need to let him come to you. Back off, stop texting, give him space and he will come back. Then you can have a serious discussion about what you are comfortable with re his ex.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You're way too reliant on this man's affection, I'm sorry. That's unhealthy for you and it's not great for him either. The kind of relationship where you're clocking the time between text responses or worrying yourself silly that there is no 'X' at the end (I'm guessing...) is slipping gently into the obsessional.

You could lay it all out on the table and let him choose whether to carry on or not but that's putting your life in his hands and I never think that's a good basis for a relationship. Better to be in control of your own life. If you don't like who you are when you're in this relationship and what you're mostly getting out of it is insecurity and anxiety, is that the life you want? If the idea of him backing off is so terrifying, is that how you want to live? I come back to the fact that it's only been 9 months. Plenty enough time to judge if something's working.

[rumred]

Im not sure many people would feel secure with this set up, so don't be too hard on yourself.

and changes in communication behaviour are sure fire anxiety inducers, for me at least

I don't know how you get round this. concentrate on other parts of your life more? talk to mature friends about it?

[excitedbutscared]

Yes rumred.. It does :-(

[excitedbutscared]

Yes, I have thought that.. But I don't want to end up settling for second best as I know I'll never be happy

It's really only when I'm not with him.. When we're together, he's attentive and affectionate and always saying how in love with me he is (apart from the phone call thing)

When we're not together, I immediately start panicking about things and not sure if it's all in my head or not

For instance, because of what happened over the weekend, I'm more anxious than usual. He hasn't been in touch all day apart from a 'good morning' text in response to one from me.. I texted him about an hour ago asking how his day has been and stuff and I've not heard back. Usually I would get about 5 messages from him a day but not today. One side of me believes he is fed up with me and backing off and the other thinks I'm just feeling low and it's all in my head... I don't want to completely freak him out telling him how I feel but also need to deal with this so it doesn't keep happening

[rumred]

so he and ex have had 2 attempts to have a relationship? no wonder youre anxious; I'd be wondering when they'd have a third go. could this be going on in your unconscious?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's too one-sided if you are with someone who you think is too good for you. It can never be healthy when you're always tippy-toeing around being ... what? ... grateful for his attention? You're already compromising your standards, suppressing your feelings and you're seeing yourself as some kind of damaged lunatic which can't be doing any good at all for your self-esteem and confidence. It doesn't mean he is a bad person, necessarily, but the whole thing doesn't sound right for you.

[excitedbutscared]

Hi

Yes, it would feel amazing to be completely open with him.. But my anxiety I feel is so over the top I think I'd freak him out!

I have been suffering with this anxiety for about 9 months now but only since I met him

I'm not sure if it's related but my first husband who I have 2 DD's with cheated and left me for someone else and I was completely devastated. It took me a long time to come to terms with it

Since then, I have had 2 relationships but with men I would consider to be 'safe bets'.. But I ended up ending them because they weren't really meeting my needs. I finally met this guy who is absolutely amazing but I almost feel I'm not good enough for him or he'll not stay interested in. That causes me this constant anxiety

I really don't know how to handle it

[sonjadog]

Firstly, you can't unsay things. The only thing which helps with that is time. Time really is the best healer for stuff like this.

Secondly, you can't have a relationship with this man where you are trying to hide your true self and your feelings and insecurities all the time. You need to be honest with him about how you feel. Really honest and never mind the power imbalance. If he is the right man for you then he will accept you for who you really are. Wouldn't it be great to show him what is really going on inside?

Is this anxiety a recurrant problem for you? Have you tried getting help for your anxiety? Maybe a trip to the GP might be a good idea.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

A relationship of nine months shouldn't be anything like this much work or cause this much anxiety. Sadly, get to your forties and most people come with some kind of 'baggage'.... exes, children, etc. For the relationship to work, the baggage has to be manageable for all concerned. Requires a lot of sensitivity all round to find the right balance, build trust and create a few workarounds. If you're struggling to cope and you're not finding solutions that work for you as a couple then don't blame yourself ... but don't waste more time either.

[YouAreMyRain]

Stop fretting about power imbalances. Be true to yourself and decide what your relationship boundaries are. Maybe you are happy for them to speak but not for him to sneak off and speak to her etc? Maybe speaking once a week is enough and everyday is too much? Only you can decide what works for you and where the line is.