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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband's friend drink drove on saturday

125 replies

bloodystupidfriend · 02/11/2014 17:21

Name changed for this. I'm not a frequent poster but I am a regular reader.

Had a party for Halloween. DH' s friend came with his young daughter (6) and brought his car. He drunk over the course of the night an shot of absinthe (60% proof), a shot of sours and cans of lager. Enough to be over the drink drive limit anyway.

I needed to be up early so checked that everyone had booked taxis then went to bed. At around 1 I could hear a child crying and shouting at the door, I got up to see what was going on only to find that husband's friend had driven off with his daughter in the car.

Full disclosure here: my husband was convicted of drink driving when he was a teenager. He knows he did a stupid thing and tried desperately to stop his friend driving off. Friend would not listen and daughter was beginning to get distressed (this was the crying I could hear). I wish I'd been up as I would have stopped that stupid fuckwit from driving the car. To drive a car drunk is madness but to drive with your daughter inside - why?

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 04/11/2014 10:02

*hard

Trazzletoes · 04/11/2014 10:06

differentname exactly what I was thinking.

simontowers2 · 04/11/2014 14:29

I dont drink drive - if i did i certainly wouldnt crow about it on a public forum.
I am anti drink driving and anti speeding. I said so earlier up thread.
I never criticised the OP - i just offered an opinion on this particular instance.
Why do people have to resort to telling people to "fuck off" just because they have a different opinion on an issue? Is this really what Mumsnet is about?

AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 17:47

Is a simple "fuck off" any worse than using triggering and woman-hating terms like "hysterical" that are openly and calculatedly designed to goad ?

simontowers2 · 04/11/2014 20:40

I cannot imagine any other context other than MN in which the word hysterical could be deemed to simply mean woman hating - unless it was written as "hysterical woman" which in my case, it was not. Pointless even trying to have a discussion with some people.

AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 21:03

Yes, the "discussion" aspect is lost when terms like "hysterical" are used, you are quite correct.

simontowers2 · 04/11/2014 21:49

Context, anyfawker - a concept which you clearly don't understand.

AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 21:58

Give over, simon

In the context of drink-driving apology, your understanding is the one under question here

tywinlannister · 04/11/2014 22:31

@simon, I don't think any of the accounts here of avoidable deaths of beloved family members can be described as "hysterical". These are your cold hard facts; People die as a result of drink driving.

You can minimise all this as 'only' drink driving and bleat on about context and how your point has been misunderstood, but I only see you misunderstanding. And maybe you wont understand until you or a loved one is lying cold under the wheel of a drink driver.

Perhaps then you will ask yourself "but why didn't someone try and stop the driver?" and you will see the ridiculousness of your argument. Maybe you could live with being one of those people who thought "Pfft, none of my business, nothing to do with me" and let someone drive off.

simontowers2 · 04/11/2014 22:42

I havent minimised anything tywin. I have only spoken of this particular case. I have said let the police do their job if this guy is a drink driver. Like they do their job with other people who break the law. What was the alternative for the OP's partner? Getting into a fight with this guy while his daughter was present? It is not so much my point being understood as being completely ignored.

Showy · 04/11/2014 22:44

"Only" a third of accidents might involve alcohol but if you compare the percentage of sober people on the road with those who have had a drink, it puts a different spin on that statistic surely?

tywinlannister · 04/11/2014 22:55

Some examples of things you can do instead of turning a blind eye (which was your suggestion and only enables a drink driver):

  • Take their keys (my DH has done this many times and has been thanked for it the next day)
  • Call a cab for said party. Put them in it. With force from other party goers. Pay the cab driver and get it back from your (alive) friend the next day. Tell them, I WILL* phone the police if you insist on getting in that car - and DO it.
  • Call the childs mother immediately.

Maybe none will work. But you can at least say you tried. Instead of doing absolutely nothing. And even going so far as to say it was 'only' drink driving. Urgh. This isn't 1970, get some morals.

simontowers2 · 04/11/2014 23:04

You are making this up as you go along tywin. Who said 'only' drink driving? Are you reading the right thread? Seriously? I'm off now - you really are quite hectoring.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/11/2014 23:11

He needs reporting. He is a danger. If he's done it once. He'll do it again. It's only by the Good grace of sweet Jesus that someone was not killed or maimed.

AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 23:12

simontowers2 Sun 02-Nov-14 21:49:13

Because i think people get disproportionately worked up about drink driving. There are people on this thread desparate to somehow shop this guy but as was pointed out, he got home safe so no harm done. And there is no evidence that this is anything other than a one off. So why the big deal?

This ^^ is what I have been reading. I also saw you infer that the OP's H had no right to have a problem with someone drink driving because he once got caught for it. You also questioned why a 6yo would still be up at 1am, though I can't think why.

DrinkyDriver · 04/11/2014 23:13

Quite bizarre reading this.
Simon, you are coming across exactly like a family member who recently lost his licence, and managed not to cause serious injury to those in the car.
Is it you?

AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 23:13

Yes, I am hectoring. Oh, and nagging. Whatever.

tywinlannister · 04/11/2014 23:17

Thanks anyfawker, I was just copying and pasting the same paragraph! Does that statement not minimalise drink driving then simon?

Flounce away.

AnyFawker · 04/11/2014 23:34

I think simon's understanding has gone a bit awol Smile

AcrossthePond55 · 04/11/2014 23:44

I'd advise that child's mother that you believe the father drove drunk with her child in the car. Detail what happened and how much he drank. the ball will be in her court.

Tell the driver that next time (if there is a next time) you WILL call the police, even if he's only driving 2 blocks!

differentnameforthis · 05/11/2014 02:09

Pointless even trying to have a discussion with some people.

But you aren't having a discussion, you are accusing us of getting hysterical over a very serious issue.

An issue that kills & severely injures 100s of people a year.

Yet you seem to think it isn't important & that because we can't directly change it, we should just shut up & stop talking about it.

Well no, we won't shut up. Because one day that just might be someone in my family who is hurt/killed by a drink driver and if just ONE person gets it & rethinks their behaviour, then I will continue to get 'hysterical' about it.

simontowers2 · 05/11/2014 07:55

Why are people putting words in my mouth? Who said stop talking about it?
I was referring to the OP's own story - ie the basis of the thread.
Should he have drink drove? No.
Should husband have tried to stop him? Personally i think no. He is not the law - and we still don't know 100 pc if he was over the limit in any case.
Would i be pissed off if a convicted drink driver tried to stop me driving as he thought i was over the limit? Yes. There is nothing remotely unusual about that.
Finally to pick up something tywin said:

* Take their keys (my DH has done this many times and has been thanked for it the next day)

Are these 'many' would-be drink drivers friends of yours tywin? Interesting.

differentnameforthis · 05/11/2014 08:09

Are these 'many' would-be drink drivers friends of yours tywin? Interesting. What does that have to do with it?

Original poster
bloodystupidfriend · 05/11/2014 08:37

Op here. I'm sorry that some feel I should prove he was over the limit. As I don't own a breatherlyser and I'm not a police officer I don't have 100% cast iron proof that he'd drunk too much. But a small man drinking 2 shots and at least 6 cans of lager eating none of the food on offer, well I'd put money on him being unfit to drive. The people up at the time certainly thought so.

The reason I was so honest about my husband's convictions was that I thought I might be able to show this thread to friend. That perhaps if he saw the options available to those who had witnessed his stupidity he might think again (police, social services, child's mother have all been suggested). I honestly thought there would be universal condemnation for a parent who drove while

drunk/tipsy/over the limit with a 6 year old child in the back! I wouldn't take that risk and I don't mind being called a hysterical woman. Seriously. I'd rather be safe than sorry. Needless to say I won't show him the thread. But I will tell him to his face what I think of him.

OP posts:
OiGiveItBack · 05/11/2014 09:01

Weird thread with some very Confused posts.

OP, you did nothing wrong. My dad used to drink and drive a lot and I think he only stopped because we all gave him so much grief rather than it being because he realised it was wrong iyswim

I guess all you can do is let him know you think he's an idiot and not invite him next time.

I think drink drivers are awful. No one needs to drink and drive. It's selfish and stupid. I've literally never done it and, apart from my Dad, I think it's totally unacceptable to all my friends and family (and I've got some dick'ish family Hmm )