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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband's friend drink drove on saturday

125 replies

bloodystupidfriend · 02/11/2014 17:21

Name changed for this. I'm not a frequent poster but I am a regular reader.

Had a party for Halloween. DH' s friend came with his young daughter (6) and brought his car. He drunk over the course of the night an shot of absinthe (60% proof), a shot of sours and cans of lager. Enough to be over the drink drive limit anyway.

I needed to be up early so checked that everyone had booked taxis then went to bed. At around 1 I could hear a child crying and shouting at the door, I got up to see what was going on only to find that husband's friend had driven off with his daughter in the car.

Full disclosure here: my husband was convicted of drink driving when he was a teenager. He knows he did a stupid thing and tried desperately to stop his friend driving off. Friend would not listen and daughter was beginning to get distressed (this was the crying I could hear). I wish I'd been up as I would have stopped that stupid fuckwit from driving the car. To drive a car drunk is madness but to drive with your daughter inside - why?

OP posts:
Timeforabiscuit · 03/11/2014 07:35

I think you did everything you possibly could at the time.

I would absolutely tell the mum, but I suspect she will be as powerless to stop his behaviour (putting his daughter and others at risk) as others.

It is a shitty, selfish thing to do - quite apart from being illegal, its marked him out as a grade a fuckwit.

Personally, I would be reporting to the police on 101 - you can leave the car registration and description , if they spot him driving erratically they can then make a more informed call as to whether to pull him over.

differentnameforthis · 03/11/2014 10:02

So someone who has been convicted of drink driving, and has learnt a lesson from that, isn't allowed to object to others doing it?

It isn't hypocrisy, it's learning & sharing that lesson!

TallulahTwinkletoes · 03/11/2014 13:18

Hold on, was he too drunk to think straight or was he too stupid to know it's wrong?

The impression I've got (though could be completely wrong) is that he was potentially, though not definitely, over the limit but was not drunk.

Either way he is in the wrong but the two set a completely different tone. If he's suspected as over the limit he shouldn't drive. If he does this with his daughter in the car then he's a terrible person but the fact is it could have been someone else's daughter he killed if his wasn't in the car.

You didn't do anything wrong. He did.

I would also report the car but I doubt they'd do anything.

He's deleted you from Facebook... He must have been over the limit. If not, he'd be proclaiming innocence not throwing a tantrum.

Littlehomebird · 03/11/2014 14:33

You should've taken his keys away as soon as you realised he intended to drive. A young relation of mine (18) & pedestrian at time of accident -was killed by a drunk driver along with another pedestrian. I have no time for drunk drivers or those who condone it.

ShowMeTheWonder · 03/11/2014 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bloodystupidfriend · 03/11/2014 15:35

Littlehomebird I was in bed so by the time I got up he'd already gone. If I'd been there I (think) I would have taken his keys off him and told him to call the police to get them. Hindsight is a great thing. Those who were there were trying to balance stopping him with not further upsetting a crying child.

Has anyone actually called the police on a friend or family member?

OP posts:
simontowers2 · 03/11/2014 15:57

I think we all agree drink driving is wrong. I just don't understand this need to interfere in other people's lives when it comes to this particular issue. If he drink drives a lot - as the OP seems to think he does - he will be caught eventually and serve his time. Why not let the authorities do their jobs? I mention speeding as i think we all know people who drive over the speed limit, perhaps not excessively but say doing 40 in a 30 zone. Do we start thinking about how we can shop them? Most of us don't, and yet speeding drivers are equally as dangerous as drink drivers. People get unusually hysterical over drink driving and cold, hard logic seems to fly out the window.

tywinlannister · 03/11/2014 16:37

Because when a drink driver kills you or one of your family, it is no longer 'other peoples lives'. It is your own life at stake. I would call the police without a second thought.

I see speeding the same way, @simon. He may get caught whilst drinking at large in the future, equally he may not. That is no reason to turn a blind eye to selfish, reckless behaviour that is happening right in front of you that may result in the deaths of innocent people.

Yarp · 03/11/2014 16:46

True, no harm was done this time, no evidence it was more than a one off

But being unable to not drink, knowing you will have to drive, and with a child in the car, can be a sign of alcohol dependence

And simon i put drink drivers and speeders in the same category of disapproval

Yarp · 03/11/2014 16:47

I hate the term hysterical when applied to people who have a legitimate concern. Misogyny

simontowers2 · 03/11/2014 16:55

Re speeders and drink drivers, so do i yarp.
Not sure about the hysterical thing. Accepted term, surely? (And yes, i know where the term comes from).

RiverTam · 03/11/2014 16:56

I would say to him (or get your DH to say to him) 'look, why did you do it, especially with your DD in the car? Next time just walk (if it wasn't far) or get a cab or just crash at ours. But FFS don't drive, it's crazy.' Or similar.

I reckon he must have been slaughtered. 2 shots of absinthe on top of sours and cans of lager? Why the fuck was he getting so drunk when he had his DD with him? Is he with her mother? That's the other thing you could do, have a word with her if you're in contact.

No harm was done this time. But he's not invincible, though he might think he is.

AnyFawker · 03/11/2014 16:58

hysterical ?

Would that be hysterical and squawking women ?

tywinlannister · 03/11/2014 17:04

Here's some of that cold hard logic you mentioned Simon

As far as I can see, calling the police or attempting to stop the driver far outweighs the benefits of doing what you suggest ie nothing.

onerepublic · 03/11/2014 17:08

If my DH had done this with my DD in the car I would leave him.

I don't care if that makes me hysterical.

Or that only 1 in 3 road accidents involve alcohol Hmm as if that makes it ok.

It would be an utter failure of his parenting and I'd never trust him again.

I have no idea why people are trying to make this your fault, OP. Grown man does something ridiculous and somehow it's the fault of the woman who is asleep upstairs.

Utterly ridiculous thread. Drink driving is not ok.

Yarp · 03/11/2014 17:20

Retard is accepted by some people. By others, not so much.

JenniferGovernment · 03/11/2014 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Backinthering · 03/11/2014 21:16

I like Jennifer am absolutely gobsmacked at some of the attitudes here. Never thought I'd see so many people minimising drink-driving. How dare anyone suggest that reporting someone to the authorities is "interfering in other people's lives". Drink drivers kill people. I for one would not leave it until the authorities somehow catch them - that moment might very well be when they are breathalysed after causing a fatal accident.
It's grossly selfish behaviour and it is also illegal, and it is far from a victimless crime.
And as for the people baiting and berating the OP for - what exactly? Being asleep? Asking for advice? Attacking her parenting skills for people having a couple of shots of alcohol at a party in her home?
Fucksake. This is meant to be relationships and this thread has read worse than all but the grimmest AIBU threads.
And hysterical? Fuck off.

simontowers2 · 03/11/2014 21:38

Have a Biscuit backinthering - you're getting hysterical Halloween Grin

AnyFawker · 03/11/2014 21:49

Nasty

Sallystyle · 03/11/2014 22:40

Wow, some disgusting and worrying posts here.

And trying to put blame on the OP? were some people bored on Sunday and looking for a fight or something?

Simon, it is MY business if someone is drink driving. It should be everyone's business when innocent parties can get hurt. By the time he is eventually caught (if he does it often) then by then it could be too late.

I am shocked by some of the stuff I have read here.

Deathraystare · 04/11/2014 07:40

My uncle used to regularly drink and drive but I don't think he did it when my nephews were in the car.

Then just before one Christmas, one of my nephews was knocked from his bicycle and killed by a guy in a car who later the next day turned himself in.

Now my uncle is evangelical about not drinking and driving:(

Trazzletoes · 04/11/2014 08:35

Sorry for the hard time you are getting OP. My DFIL a was killed as a result of a hit and run by a drunk driver.

I'm sure she thought it was perfectly safe to get behind the wheel because she's only had a few.

DFIL was in a coma for 3 months. The devastation for his family has been immense. My DMIL heard the accident and had to see her DH lying on a road with his head in bits. My DCs are missing a wonderful DGF. Why? Because a stupid, reckless woman was too selfish to just not drive.

I cannot believe how many people are saying drink driving is not a big deal. Alcohol is "only" a factor in a third of car accidents? Yet it is 100% avoidable. 100%.

OP, I appreciate that the law says it's not illegal to drive with a certain amount of alcohol in your system but I couldn't remain friends with your friend. I instantly lose respect for anyone who thinks its ok to drive after drinking anything, tbh. Even before DFIL's accident I wouldn't get in a car with someone who had had anything to drink.

And I think it's better coming from your DH than anyone - look, mate, I've been there, I got caught, it's not worth it, think about what could have happened and what you could have lost (clearly too selfish to worry about the impact on anyone else or he wouldn't have done it in the first place).

carlsonrichards · 04/11/2014 08:51

I'm stunned at the minimising going on here. The level should be zero, and anyone who does this should be very severely punished.

differentnameforthis · 04/11/2014 10:01

People get unusually hysterical over drink driving and cold, hard logic seems to fly out the window. Is that the cold bard logic that you use to justify your drink driving, simon?

The authorities can't do their job until they happen across him driving stupidly one day/night. Or when they happen upon the scene where a drunk driver has hit a group of pedestrians, or another car, killing some, hurting more.

How many more people have to die for you to see that drink driving is a problem.

It has nothing to do with him eventually being caught, and all to do with the INNOCENT lives he could take before he does get caught.

How many people have to be seriously hurt, or die before YOU see drink driving as a problem?

Perhaps when one of your relatives die at the mercy of a drink driver..