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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband's friend drink drove on saturday

125 replies

bloodystupidfriend · 02/11/2014 17:21

Name changed for this. I'm not a frequent poster but I am a regular reader.

Had a party for Halloween. DH' s friend came with his young daughter (6) and brought his car. He drunk over the course of the night an shot of absinthe (60% proof), a shot of sours and cans of lager. Enough to be over the drink drive limit anyway.

I needed to be up early so checked that everyone had booked taxis then went to bed. At around 1 I could hear a child crying and shouting at the door, I got up to see what was going on only to find that husband's friend had driven off with his daughter in the car.

Full disclosure here: my husband was convicted of drink driving when he was a teenager. He knows he did a stupid thing and tried desperately to stop his friend driving off. Friend would not listen and daughter was beginning to get distressed (this was the crying I could hear). I wish I'd been up as I would have stopped that stupid fuckwit from driving the car. To drive a car drunk is madness but to drive with your daughter inside - why?

OP posts:
simontowers2 · 02/11/2014 21:52

As for your husband being "angry" as you say, surely that is just dreadful hyporcisy given his previous?

NancyRaygun · 02/11/2014 21:54

Did you check they got home ok? Where was the mum? and what is a six year old doing at a party past one am??
Sorry for lots of questions op!

simontowers2 · 02/11/2014 21:57

That's the question i wanted to know nancy - 1am seems v late for a 6 yr old.

Wheelerdeeler · 02/11/2014 21:58

Why were you serving shots at a party where 6 year olds were present? Look at yourself op.

Original poster
bloodystupidfriend · 02/11/2014 22:01

Okay so he got home safely. Was that by chance or luck? So he thinks he's ok, does it again and is not so lucky. If he loses his licence he will also lose his job. His dd lives with her mum about 30 miles away, potentially messing up his contact. But what if he crashes and kills someone? He'll have to live with that and it'll be on my conscience that maybe if I'd said something this wouldn't have happened. I've had my suspicions that he's had a few and drove before, now it's been confirmed. I just don't know how he could do it and risk his precious dd.

I'm not going to the police over this. I just want him to never do this again. He will not be welcome in my house again if he brings the car and is planning a drink.

OP posts:
Original poster
bloodystupidfriend · 02/11/2014 22:06

Re hypocrisy, DH was convicted as a teenager, he has grown up now and would not encourage anyone to make the same mistakes he has. He was upset. You'd of thought friend might have learned from Dh mistakes. He was banned for a year and had his licence removed. I didn't have to mention this so don't use it as a stick to beat me with. Point is they are 30 year old with families now.

OP posts:
NancyRaygun · 02/11/2014 22:08

It's not the OPs fault if this idiot friend drinks and drives and isn't taking good care of his daughter! She just had a party, the mate who thinks it's ok to bring a six year old then risk his own, hers and others' lives is an irresponsible arsehole. I think you are right to cease contact with him, and very clearly tell him why op. Poor girl.

Original poster
bloodystupidfriend · 02/11/2014 22:15

It was Halloween so it was a one off. As for shots, there was two shots of some hideously flavoured sours and about 3 shots of some holiday absinth. I remained sober so was a responsible adult and no one was rip roaringly drunk. Our other friends brought their car and git a taxi home as most responsible adults do. I didn't do anything wrong imo

OP posts:
KimberBentonIsGoingSolo · 02/11/2014 22:20

No point reporting it. Its his word against yours and theres no proof.

I don't get at all why you're posting this or what you want people to say to you.

simontowers2 · 02/11/2014 22:23

Drink driving is clearly a big issue with you OP. Fair nuff. But your dh is a convicted drink driver. How old was he when he was convicted? How does he feel about cold shouldering a good mate for doing something which he himself was once convicted for?

Original poster
bloodystupidfriend · 02/11/2014 22:27

I posted to hear people's opinions, surely that's why anybody posts. Obviously not everyone thinks it's a big deal so that's ok but I have been in knots about the whole situation.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 02/11/2014 22:28

Simon, she said he was a teenager so probably at the very least ten years ago, maybe more like 20. I think it's perfectly acceptable to feel ashamed of teenage stupidity and be shocked when your friend in his 30s (?) behaves the same way, no?

Original poster
bloodystupidfriend · 02/11/2014 22:32

Simon people make mistakes and that's ok if you learn from them. If friend will not accept that he's made a mistake then I don't think it's hypocritical to distance oneself. DH was 19.

OP posts:
simontowers2 · 02/11/2014 22:33

So he was an adult ehric. Who got caught drink driving. If i were him i wouldnt be lecturing anybody about this issue.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/11/2014 22:37

If this was a short drive home over empty roads then it probably wasn't that risky. However, your H deciding to have a self-righteous row with his mate to the point that his mate's DD was crying with fear wasn't all that marvellous.

PoundingTheStreets · 02/11/2014 22:38

I don't get this thread. I can't believe people are having a go at the OP for being concerned about someone drink-driving with a child in the car!

The OP is not a health care practitioner, a police officer or a psychic. She doesn't know if the friend was definitely over the legal limit or whether he does this routinely or not. And it's not her job to. Based on his demeanour and the amount she'd seen him drink, she had more than reasonable grounds to suspect this man of being unfit to drive. With a child in the car with him who was scared enough to not want to go with her father. Sad

The OP explained perfectly well why she didn't prevent him going (got outside just after he'd left), why she didn't phone the police there and then (journey was too short for him to have been apprehended). All she has asked advice for - quite sincerely - is about what to do next and how to handle this.

Why is she getting such a hard time?

Original poster
bloodystupidfriend · 02/11/2014 22:39

I have no driving convictions. No do the other 3 people who were still there and were left totally shocked by a father's behaviour. But imo someone who's been there and paid the price is the best person to say what the hell are you doing.

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 02/11/2014 23:08

To drive a car drunk is madness but to drive with your daughter inside - why?

Because he is drunk. If he's prepared to risk his own safety (ie. thinks he's capable of driving) why would his child make any difference?

You're hardly going to risk your own life are you? People drink drive because they are drunk and irresponsible. It's an attitude thing. Like a lot of people who commit other unrelated crimes, drive without insurance.

Original poster
bloodystupidfriend · 02/11/2014 23:13

Solidgoldbrass DH was trying to stop him from going, that is a perfectly reasonable thing to do when you know someone is over the limit, it wasn't a self righteous row, he was worried about the little girl. What was he supposed to do? He offered to pay for a taxi, our other friends offered their taxi which was on it's way, in the end because friends daughter was getting distressed he had to let them go. And he felt terrible about it Sad

OP posts:
Cruze · 02/11/2014 23:15

I actually can't believe some of these comments. It's no wonder innocent people are killed every day by selfish, inconsiderate ones who think it's ok to drink excess alcohol & then get in their vehicles & drive.

Perhaps if more 'self-righteous' people stepped in and rowed with the people that do this before they get in their vehicles there would be less families dealing with the consequences of when a drunk driver crashes.

Simon by the tone of your posts I am going to assume that you have never had anyone close to you killed by a drunk driver. Your attitude is complete beggars belief. And Solid it is always risky which is why it is illegal, again I will assume that you have not been affected by a drunk driver.

There is nothing disproportionate about getting worked up about drink driving. Any person who does this is selfish, because their behaviour can have a knock on consequence to totally innocent people.

To compare drink driving to speeding doesn't make sense. For a first offence of drink driving you can be given a custodial sentence, you get points on your driving licence for speeding. Hardly comparable.

I truly hope that none of you that hold the opinion that drink driving is not serious or risky ever has to go through the life shattering experience of losing a loved one to a drunk driver.

So what if the OPs 'friend' got home safe this time, next time they could be ploughing head on into incoming traffic killing your mum, dad, son or daughter...

SolidGoldBrass · 03/11/2014 00:34

Drink-driving is one of the great superstitious taboos: it's not a good idea to do it but nor is it a guarantee of Bad Things Happening. However, there seems to be a mindset that screaming and wailing and soiling yourself with rage about people driving after two sips of sherry will somehow protect you against a road accident. Alcohol is a factor in about a third of road accidents: the rest are caused by stupid driving or bad luck.
While it might be a good thing to talk to the friend about the inadvisability of driving while drunk, cutting him off completely is going to be a bit traumatic for his DD. SHe's going to spend years with a vague but unsettling memory of the time she was crying and all the grown ups were shouting and then she wasn't allowed to go to [OP#s} house any more, and she's likely to percieve it as her fault.

AnyFawker · 03/11/2014 00:43

OP, I am a bit surprised at the hard time you have got here

and the drink driving apology going on Hmm

drink driving is a social taboo for very good reason and there should be zero tolerance for it

nobody has to drive a car after drinking

there is not much you can do now, OP, as the "deed" is done but you are not out of line for posting about it, and your partner has as much right as anyone else to try and prevent someone making the same stupid error of judgement that he did

perhaps your partner could have a word with this bloke after the event along the lines of the risk he took and that both of you would rather that he didn't do it again after visiting your house...after that his own stupid decisions are down to him (but I would shop him in the act if you get the chance next time)

Original poster
bloodystupidfriend · 03/11/2014 07:02

Solidgoldbrass - fair enough, you're entitled to your opinion but your last bit I'm not going to accept. Any trauma will be her dad's fault not ours. We did the right thing we were trying to protect her when her dad was too drunk to think straight. We don't know her that well so her not coming back to our house again is hardly likely to scar her for life. I hope she tells her mam or grandma as both would likely be furious and have more influence on friend than us.

He has deleted us both off Facebook so he obviously views us as the big bad wolf too.

Thank you to everyone who has posted. I'm sorry if it's been a bit too close to home for some. Cruze, thank you for your post.

I think we'll give it a few days then dh will ring and hopefully make him see sense.

OP posts:
merrymouse · 03/11/2014 07:14

It isn't a social taboo. It is illegal. You might as well say shoplifting is a social taboo.

ReadyToBreak · 03/11/2014 07:24

Christ on a bike.

If you could see the carnage that can be caused by a drink driver just crashing into parked cars you'd rethink drink driving altogether!

OP, friend or not, you should have reported him to the police. What he did was not only illegal but stupid and dangerous.

All it would have taken was for him to have caught the curb/hit an object for some serious damage and maybe even death to have occurred.