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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH just threw a pint of water over me

78 replies

Albertatata · 28/10/2014 23:09

We have two young children (1&3)& no family support. Mum came to stay and so we decided to nip to the pub for a drink - this is only the second time we have been out together in 13 months since DC2 was born. We left house at 8.30 but by 9.45 DH was pestering to come home, I obviously was coming at the evening from a different angle i.e. that we never get to go out together so may be we should just relax & enjoy ourselves whereas apparently he wanted to get home as he has to work tomorrow etc etc.

Please bare in mind that he doesn't have to start work until midday tomorrow, I have given up a well respected bloody career to work part time so I do mind it being thrown back in my face that he is full time etc etc when it is a joint decision for me to step off career ladder even though it makes much more financial sense for me to continue etc

Anyway so what should have been a nice night turns into him cajoling me in to coming home 1hr after we get to the pub by saying things like ' your mum might be asleep and the kids might be crying' etc etc. I'm pissed off and told him so, I just wanted to have fun - for once, even if it is a bloody Tuesday and he has to work at midday tomorrow (we will both still be up at the crack of bloody dawn with the kids)

I snapped and said 'well so what I could be working full time and earning a hell of a lot more money than him' which I know isn't the best thing to say but true and I refuse to have the fact that he is working full time thrown in my face. We are all bloody tired. It's not like I am sitting on my arse doing nothing and I earn the same as him in 2 days that he does full time(I may have also mentioned this in the heat if the argument).

So he threw a pint glass of water over me

I have a really fucked up marriage don't I - this is the first time we have been out together since DS2 was born other than a friends wedding.

I used to be a feminist - I don't know what has happened to me. I don't recognise myself anymore. I've just read this back to myself and I do realise I was in the wrong for goading him but seriously - where did the love go.

Sensible advice please

OP posts:

Stupidhead · 28/10/2014 23:12

Ouch, not a great thing to say to him as you know now. The pair of you need to sit down and talk together.

Seriouslyffs · 28/10/2014 23:14

Are you safe? Where are you now? Is your mother staying. Yanbu to want to stay out and he's nbu to want to go home, but throwing a drink at you is abusive. If you're safe tonight sleep and regroup/ get advice tomorrow.

Coconutty · 28/10/2014 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seriouslyffs · 28/10/2014 23:15

stupid it doesn't matter what the OP said, he shouldn't have done that.

LineRunner · 28/10/2014 23:16

My ExH went like this on our first night out together after DD was born and I had arranged a babysitter.

He only chucked verbal cold water on me, though.

Is he sorry? Really sorry?

Levismum · 28/10/2014 23:18

That's a massive boundary broken...

Even if it's normally the dogs jiggly nits, you need to consider if you want a relationship with a man who thinks it's ok to chuck a pint of water on you.

The work situation obviously isn't working so that would be the first thing I would reconsider.

Good luck!

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 28/10/2014 23:19

Has he ever done anything like this before? It seems a very extreme (and aggressive) thing to do.

I don't know where you go from here. You sound deeply resentful about giving up your career and it's not clear whether this has been a good move for you (I would suggest not as you are clearly very angry about it). Could you go back to work?

Only you know whether this is a one off, borne of frustration and exhaustion and humiliation, or whether this is part of a wider pattern of abuse and aggression.

I would find this really appalling behaviour, whatever you said, a physical violation and would be seriously wondering if I could continue. I would if I genuinely believed it would never ever happen again, whatever was said, although increasingly I see people rarely lash out only once.

Stupidhead · 28/10/2014 23:19

Sorry Seriously and Op, talking about whether you need this relationship anymore. A line has been crossed (by him).

Apologies, the cat sat on my phone.

JubJubBirds · 28/10/2014 23:21

Truth? You sound very bitter about the work issue and seem to be perceiving what is his desire to be rested/prepared for work as him lording the fact he works ft over you. He wanted to go home due to work. He did not use going home as an opportunity to remind you of your work arrangements. You percieved an insult where there was none. Because work is obviously a bit of a trigger for you atm.

Address this issue and I believe you'll feel a lot better about yourself, him and your relationship. In short you need to redress the balance within your relationship.

Vintagecrap · 29/10/2014 08:16

I want to share my own story here.
We had recently married and moved in together. I had moved 100 miles to be with him so had given up friends, family and a job. I had secured new employment but was still short on friends.
One day we had an argument about a bottle of tomato ketchup. He didn't know there was a little foil bit inside the lid and was squeezing and nothing was coming out. I laughed and said had he taken the foil off, he shouted no. Then proceeded to stab it with a knife rather than peel it off. I said that wouldn't work so after shouting and swearing he pulled it off, walked over to me and squeezed the whole bottle over my head.
I had just showered, hair washed and blow dried and done my make it. So, over an hours time was wasted. I screamed. I cried. He told me I deserved it.
That was the first thing that happened and I ended up in an abusive marriage in all respects. .physical, mental, financial, sexual.

Looking back, with the benefit of wisdom, experience and knowing the situation, I know what happened, happened because he was resentful that I was earning more than him and he hated me for it..and that his life had changed and he hated me for that too..and that he had issues with control and aggression.

What your husband did is not right. You know that. You also sound very unhappy. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this?

tethersend · 29/10/2014 08:22

Sorry you're dealing with this OP. what does he say about throwing the water?

Why have you both agreed that you will work part time if you're the higher earner? Would it not make more sense for him to be part time?

MorrisZapp · 29/10/2014 08:25

It's not great on either side is it. If you feel this way about your work situation then I'd address that first as it is obviously eating you up.

Then both try to talk about it calmly, see what he says about it.

GoatsDoRoam · 29/10/2014 08:59

One day, a couple years into our relationship, my ex threw a glass at me.

I was frightened and upset, but couldn't imagine life without him so stayed. I was strong, I was a feminist, I had probably goaded him, same deal.

So the behaviour escalated, and a few years down the line, he was threatening to kill me.

A line has been crossed that cannot be un-crossed, Albertata.

carlsonrichards · 29/10/2014 09:05

If there is one thing I drum into my daughter's head it's to never give up full-time work to be a par-time SAHM. It leads to situations like this.

Go back to work. Your children are over 1 and will be fine with a nanny or childminder.

If your husband is still being a knob, it's so much easier to leave when you have financial independence.

cloggal · 29/10/2014 09:13

carlson while I agree about financial independence, that's a huge generalisation, and also implies the OP and her decision is the reason for what happened. Rather than giving some responsibility to her husband who decided to throw a glass of water over her.

The entire situation sounds pretty dismal.
Are you safe OP? Why has he not gone part time? As Carlson mentioned surely if you're earning as much as him on two days you could be financially independent without too much effort, and leave if you're miserable?

carlsonrichards · 29/10/2014 09:17

Oh, he has crossed a line, and he's resentful towards her and sounds like he despises her. That's not her fault. She sounds desperately unhappy, however, that she gave up full-time work and it makes me wonder how much of this supposedly joint decision was his sexism and wanting something to lord over her.

Going back to work has the benefit of making her happy AND taking away this little man's leverage, then she can see what he's really about.

JubJubBirds · 29/10/2014 09:31

'He's resentful towards her and sounds like he despises her. That's not her fault.'

Where in the the OP did you get this from?!

He's not given any indication of being resentful specifically. She, OTOH, is incredibly resentful about the fact she's given up her carer.
OP has already admitted some fault on her half for goading him.

Seriously, you need to stop projecting your own ideals and experiences onto this situation, read the post properly and help OP out with her specific situation.

OP, it's clear there are issues on both sides of the relationship atm, which I think you know and accept. I'm sorry things are like this for you right now

carlsonrichards · 29/10/2014 09:36

Um, he threw a pint of water over her head, in public from the sounds of it, JuJu. That's pretty hateful.

She never admits to 'goading' him and at any rate, there is never an excuse for doing something like this to a person, that is not projecting. Abuse is abuse. Minimising it is disgusting.

ClaudetteWyms · 29/10/2014 09:38

Regardless of what you said or did OP, this is a massive warning of who he is and what he thinks of you.

I know someone whose ex started by throwing water over her. In months he progressed to hitting her. After a couple of years he was head butting her unconscious.

You do not sound happy. Have a really good think about what you get out of this relationship.

simontowers2 · 29/10/2014 09:39

The guy poors a glass of water on her and people are asking "are you safe?" Is this a joke? Yes, he has crossed a line and yes his behaviour may escalate. But there is nothing at all in this thread to suggest the OP is in imminent danger (unless people can drown ... Under a glass of water). Personally i'd go back to work full time OP, specially given that you earn much more. And make long term plans to LTB.

cloggal · 29/10/2014 09:42

'Yes his behaviour may escalate'

Well, there's been 10 hours since OP posted. Fair enough to just ask, no?
Those who have asked (myself included) have done so and offered advice, actually along the same line as yours.

Dowser · 29/10/2014 09:44

I had one just like that and you ( I ) let it pass because it wasn't a punch or a black eye, it wasn't a glass of water either.

It was aggression. Bad temper. Storming out to calm down. I never got hit. My dad would have killed him if I had and that would have been a clear boundary he had stepped over.

It was muddy boundaries.

90 per cent of the time it was good it was those muddy waters that weren't.

Good enough to stay not bad enough to leave.

Has he behaved like that before?

Is it escalating.

It is an act of violence.

SanityClause · 29/10/2014 09:45

There seems to be a lot of resentment here, on both sides.

You resent your DH because he wanted you to give up your career. He resents you for being the higher earner.

It seems that he sees little worth in the work done by a SAHP. He didn't want to be one himself, although it would have made more financial sense for your family. Also, he wanted to go home from the pub because he had to "go to work" the next day. Clearly he believes that going out to work is real work, but childcare and running a home is not.

The throwing the water sounds like he felt humiliated by your comments, and wanted to humiliate you. (I don't know enough about DV and how it starts, to comment, as others have, on whether this is a serious line crossed. I'm not saying it was a big deal, or wasn't - I just don't know.)

It also strikes me as odd that he didn't want to spend a bit of time together with you, when you had the chance. Why do you think that is?

You presumably haven't been out of your career for long. Could you go back to it?

That would no doubt be unpopular with your husband, but if he didn't want to be married to someone who earned more than him, why did he marry you?

JubJubBirds · 29/10/2014 09:49

Carlson of cpurse I understand that he threw a glass of water at her and of course that's wrong. But you need to be more specific with your language. Yes it was hateful but we don't know that it was resentful.

'She never admits to 'goading' him'
And seriously Carlson, you need to read the post properly.

OP said; 'I've just read this back to myself and I do realise I was in the wrong for goading him.'

lemisscared · 29/10/2014 09:54

So its the OP's fault for giving up full time work?? Not the DH's fault for being a cunt then? I gave up a career to be a full time SAHM, it was the right thing for my DD and for me.

There is wrong on both sides of this argument, but i can't help but wonder if the DH was really anxious about leaving the children for some reason? That is not a normal reaction to leaving children with a family member, unless of course the family member isn't capable for some reason (other than in the DH's head).

I don't think its a deal breaker (yet) but there needs to be much honesty and openess or it will become just that.

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