DH just threw a pint of water over me

[Albertatata]

We have two young children (1&3)& no family support. Mum came to stay and so we decided to nip to the pub for a drink - this is only the second time we have been out together in 13 months since DC2 was born. We left house at 8.30 but by 9.45 DH was pestering to come home, I obviously was coming at the evening from a different angle i.e. that we never get to go out together so may be we should just relax & enjoy ourselves whereas apparently he wanted to get home as he has to work tomorrow etc etc.

Please bare in mind that he doesn't have to start work until midday tomorrow, I have given up a well respected bloody career to work part time so I do mind it being thrown back in my face that he is full time etc etc when it is a joint decision for me to step off career ladder even though it makes much more financial sense for me to continue etc

Anyway so what should have been a nice night turns into him cajoling me in to coming home 1hr after we get to the pub by saying things like ' your mum might be asleep and the kids might be crying' etc etc. I'm pissed off and told him so, I just wanted to have fun - for once, even if it is a bloody Tuesday and he has to work at midday tomorrow (we will both still be up at the crack of bloody dawn with the kids)

I snapped and said 'well so what I could be working full time and earning a hell of a lot more money than him' which I know isn't the best thing to say but true and I refuse to have the fact that he is working full time thrown in my face. We are all bloody tired. It's not like I am sitting on my arse doing nothing and I earn the same as him in 2 days that he does full time(I may have also mentioned this in the heat if the argument).

So he threw a pint glass of water over me

I have a really fucked up marriage don't I - this is the first time we have been out together since DS2 was born other than a friends wedding.

I used to be a feminist - I don't know what has happened to me. I don't recognise myself anymore. I've just read this back to myself and I do realise I was in the wrong for goading him but seriously - where did the love go.

Sensible advice please

His fretting about the kids in the first place sounds completely out of proportion. Do you think he has set you up, in his mind, of being the only person capable of looking after your kids properly, OP? If you were go go back to work, would he be the same about you having the kids in childcare, do you think? It sounds very like a control issue that he has. It would be impossible to ascertain from here whether that's borne out of a need to keep you in your place or of genuine anxiety, but I think that it's something to look at, since he's just shown you exactly what he's capable of when he's not the one in control.

It is not being an apologist by recognising there is wrong on both sides. He was wrong for throwing the water. She was wrong for saying what she said. If they are to move on the need to look inside themselves.

Completely agree with lem, well said.

We, as readers of one OP, cannot know the full story here.

Allhallows I'm aware that some victims of abuse take on the blame themselves, you've misinterpreted my point though. I wasn't just bringing up the goading issue as an example of OP thinking she had part of the blame, I also mentioned it because a PP stated that 'she never admits to goading him', I was pointing out that actually that's not true.

OP how're you feeling about it all today?

Hi OP. Both you & your DH sound really under stress. Having two young children and no family support is very hard work and involves a huge change in both your lives in a very short time. DH and I also had an argument on our first night out after DC2 was born!

While his behaviour is extreme, I don't think the situation can't be rescued. Being at the coal face of having young children - it can make a huge gap open up in your relationship without you even realising it.

It seems that you both had different expectations of the night out and this ended up in both of all your pent up frustrations accumulated over 3 years of sleepless nights and exhaustion to come out in an un helpful way.

You need to talk to each other about what you both want from life. Maybe you could get your Mum to look after the kids for a couple of hours and go for a walk with the express intention of talking things through.

To be honest I don't think throwing water constitutes abuse. If someone close to me said what you did I could understand the desire to do the same.
I think you were both at fault. I'm sorry you had a bad night out. You need to speak to one another and you need to start finding things which will make you feel like your old self.
Maybe he doesn't realise how much you miss spending time together alone. He was selfish wanting to go back so early. I hope it works out.

Goady or not, do people think it's ok to actually throw a glass of water on someone. To me it sounds like he can't control his emotions. It's a glass of water now, next something heavier. A line has been crossed.

BUT, you seem very unhappy with your end of the deal. That's something to talk about with him.
There should be some compromise between you both. Op I really feel sad for you that you had a very good babysitter and he chose this 'golden' opportunity to not make the most of it. When that happens, then it's time to look at the relationship again and if it's working.

ladyluck sadly they do

It doesn't matter what it was , water, beer, Daisy's , acid. It was a show of temper, aggression and intimidation.

How about in the future when op is out again maybe in a restaurant, should she learn to STFU incase she sets him off again and he throws his meal at her?

Actually I do think throwing a drink over someone is borderline abusive. It is an act of humiliation, particularly in a public place.

My Father was/is emotionally abusive and I clearly remember him throwing a drink in my face when I was a teenager, in a restaurant, because I was having a disagreement with my Mother. I remember the humiliation and embarrassment and yes the technique worked, I was so shocked that of course the argument ended. It also was one of the acts that destroyed our relationship. That and thinking kicking me up the arse at home was a good way to stop another conversation, again with my Mother. He came from a fucked up home with a fucked up Mother who parented him in a fucked up manner. What a surprise he chose to parent similarly!!

Totally agree new

VintageCrap

Been there. Mine used to squirt washing up liquid at me and throw cups of tea at me, thankfully not scalding hot ones, but there's something deeply humiliating about having liquid or food chucked over you. And like you, it was a sign of a developing abusive relationship.

Of course its it right to throw water over somebody however as it was a man doing it it will be deemed far worse than it is. A while ago a woman threw a cup at a man on here and the replies were very different by many.

He wanted to go home as he had work the next day, nowhere does it say he was hinting the OP didn't or worked less as part time, she choose to read it as that for no reason. It does sound like the OP would prefer to work full time so needs to put steps in place to do that.

Oops not right I meant.

I'll be honest, to me his action conveyed veiled aggression, contempt and a desire to bring you down a notch. A kind of substitute for hitting you. He may never become actually violent with you, or he may. Whatever happens, throwing water over you should be treated seriously.

I don't think you were goading him. It is a fact you can earn more money than him.
It may have been a bitter pill to swallow but he had no right to throw water over you, and especially humiliate you in public.

The abuse will only escalate.

It may not be realistic to separate but he needs to move out for a while to think about his actions. But also to give you time and space to think about things because throwing water over you is something that should be taken seriously.

For goodness sake, can he not control himself physically, that's totally out of order, no matter what you said or nagged him about, he was acting like a grade A arsehole in the first place, seriously, he has completed crossed a line there, what a creep.

I think what he did was massively disrespectful, humiliating. I don't know if I could get Over that.

You upset him him with your words, and I agree with others that his reaction was to retaliate physically. That is really worrying because i think it might happen again.

Did he say he wanted to get back to sleep? Or have sex?

Once you remove the "interference" from the first post
One parent was not confident the childcare provision was adequate for a long stay away from home
The other parent was not sympathetic and created an argument about an unrelated issue
Two adults were arguing , one chose to behave in a controlled and abusive manner towards the other to shut them down

Conclusion ? You are not communicating with each other, and don't care that you are not. You are both scoring points off each other.
Neither behaviour was acceptable based on the information given

I think these kind of situations, going out when you never do, are highly stressful situations. There's so much pressure to 'have fun' and 'have a great time' and such expectations that you probably both felt it in different ways (he wanted to run away back to his comfort zone: home and you wanted to go for it) - and then it all came out.

How has he reacted to what he did?

In terms of it being abusive and you wouldn't do it to a stranger. Well, you also wouldn't shout to a stranger that you earn more money, or whatever you knew would really, really upset them (they're hideously ugly and have a big nose) and put them down. I do think the dh was out of order, and more out of order than the OP. He should be extremely sorry.

But saying this in isolation is abusive and she needs to go, is going too far. Myself and dh did a lot of stuff to each other that would be considered abusive by some of you in the days of small kids, crossed boundaries in anger, exhaustion and frustration. We're both pretty emotional so combined with the rest, creates situations which neither of us were happy about. I actually spat in his face once (in private). I am not proud of it, but things are in a completely different place now the kids are older and we have had time to work on our marriage and get closer again.

Only OP knows herself and her dh, whether this is a pattern, whether he has shown this before, whether she feels unsafe with him and whether she feels able to let it go.

Well put Merry

I would take the glass of water very seriously, I know not everyone would but I'd be very very worried about the future.

It is my opinion that this is not only an act of violence, but it is a substitute for the act, of physical assault, that he would really like to have carried out but was restrained by it being a public place.

It was your punishment for arguing with him or possibly being a bit rude and insensitive. Be very clear about that. Your husband thinks that he can violently punish you when you overstep his personal boundary.

Even if this was not shocking enough he clearly doesn't want to spend anytime with you, no nights out together and when you do he can barely tolerate an hour in your presence.

What do you think is going on here?

I think it's impossible to talk to an OP who starts a thread and then doesn't come back. This happens all the time on mn at the moment, what's going on?

It just leaves a load of posters squabbling amongst themselves which is ok for a bit but then gets boring.

Was thinking same thing. Also bit odd to leave the description of her night at the water chucking and not say what followed.

Clearly throwing water over somebody is meant to be humiliating and is therefore abusive, if not physically so. However the way OP was speaking to him was also designed to cause humiliation along the lines of "look how pathetic you are, I can earn what you can in 2 days".... it shows total disdain for the other person.

So my first thought is you both sound quite unpleasant and lacking in respect for each other.

I think she was mentally abusing him first with all the belittling comments about his ability to provide for the family how she earnt more in two days than he earnt in a week, i think he should see someone about being in an emotionally abusive relationship.