DH just threw a pint of water over me

[Albertatata]

We have two young children (1&3)& no family support. Mum came to stay and so we decided to nip to the pub for a drink - this is only the second time we have been out together in 13 months since DC2 was born. We left house at 8.30 but by 9.45 DH was pestering to come home, I obviously was coming at the evening from a different angle i.e. that we never get to go out together so may be we should just relax & enjoy ourselves whereas apparently he wanted to get home as he has to work tomorrow etc etc.

Please bare in mind that he doesn't have to start work until midday tomorrow, I have given up a well respected bloody career to work part time so I do mind it being thrown back in my face that he is full time etc etc when it is a joint decision for me to step off career ladder even though it makes much more financial sense for me to continue etc

Anyway so what should have been a nice night turns into him cajoling me in to coming home 1hr after we get to the pub by saying things like ' your mum might be asleep and the kids might be crying' etc etc. I'm pissed off and told him so, I just wanted to have fun - for once, even if it is a bloody Tuesday and he has to work at midday tomorrow (we will both still be up at the crack of bloody dawn with the kids)

I snapped and said 'well so what I could be working full time and earning a hell of a lot more money than him' which I know isn't the best thing to say but true and I refuse to have the fact that he is working full time thrown in my face. We are all bloody tired. It's not like I am sitting on my arse doing nothing and I earn the same as him in 2 days that he does full time(I may have also mentioned this in the heat if the argument).

So he threw a pint glass of water over me

I have a really fucked up marriage don't I - this is the first time we have been out together since DS2 was born other than a friends wedding.

I used to be a feminist - I don't know what has happened to me. I don't recognise myself anymore. I've just read this back to myself and I do realise I was in the wrong for goading him but seriously - where did the love go.

Sensible advice please

It's pretty bad but it may not be LTB time yet as long as you can calm down and talk about it

You have 2 tiny kids one only just over a year old. It's full on and I bet no-one gets much sleep. Temper are frayed all round

You say your mum lives far away and it's rare she visits. I can understand him worrying about leaving her in charge if kids don't know her and they are not used to a sitter. Of course you trust her as she is your mum but he might find it harder.

You've read in that he does not want to spend time with you and puts work above you but it doesn't seem self evident from what you posted

DH and I have a similar work situation in that I earn more PT than he does FT but for various reasons it's still me working PT and doing more house chores. Some are sensible reasons relating to the kinds of work we do some are patriarchal bullshit reasons.

Occasionally I feel moved to point out that if he were a woman I doubt he would have the choice to work PT on a low earning job he loves as he would be required to be a sahp and support me.

In my nobler moments I realise that 2 wrongs don't make a right and that in an ideal world we would both be able to have the choice to work or SAH and it should not be all about money.

No-one has thrown anything yet but I have slammed doors

I hope that he says sorry and that you have some time to think things through calmly together. You need to get the work thing out in the open and talk about it instead of bottling up resentment.

I was thinking along those lines. She belittled him, put him down and said some spiteful and cruel things solely to hurt.

That is emotionally and verbally abusive.

If a woman came on here saying her dh was saying things like that to her there would be cries of LTB all over the place.

Of course throwing water was wrong, but surely that doesn't change the fact that the op was emotionally abusive first?

He responded to abusive behaviour. His reaction was wrong, but that doesn't automatically make the op a victim.

Unless of course some people posting have an abuse hierarchy? X is worse than Y because of Z?

That's a very dangerous and simplistic way of viewing DA. It is different for everyone. Emotional abuse can destroy people. As can violence. Who is anyone to say that one is worse than the other?