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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just threw a pint of water over me

78 replies

Albertatata · 28/10/2014 23:09

We have two young children (1&3)& no family support. Mum came to stay and so we decided to nip to the pub for a drink - this is only the second time we have been out together in 13 months since DC2 was born. We left house at 8.30 but by 9.45 DH was pestering to come home, I obviously was coming at the evening from a different angle i.e. that we never get to go out together so may be we should just relax & enjoy ourselves whereas apparently he wanted to get home as he has to work tomorrow etc etc.

Please bare in mind that he doesn't have to start work until midday tomorrow, I have given up a well respected bloody career to work part time so I do mind it being thrown back in my face that he is full time etc etc when it is a joint decision for me to step off career ladder even though it makes much more financial sense for me to continue etc

Anyway so what should have been a nice night turns into him cajoling me in to coming home 1hr after we get to the pub by saying things like ' your mum might be asleep and the kids might be crying' etc etc. I'm pissed off and told him so, I just wanted to have fun - for once, even if it is a bloody Tuesday and he has to work at midday tomorrow (we will both still be up at the crack of bloody dawn with the kids)

I snapped and said 'well so what I could be working full time and earning a hell of a lot more money than him' which I know isn't the best thing to say but true and I refuse to have the fact that he is working full time thrown in my face. We are all bloody tired. It's not like I am sitting on my arse doing nothing and I earn the same as him in 2 days that he does full time(I may have also mentioned this in the heat if the argument).

So he threw a pint glass of water over me Sad

I have a really fucked up marriage don't I - this is the first time we have been out together since DS2 was born other than a friends wedding.

I used to be a feminist - I don't know what has happened to me. I don't recognise myself anymore. I've just read this back to myself and I do realise I was in the wrong for goading him but seriously - where did the love go.

Sensible advice please

OP posts:
DialsMavis · 29/10/2014 09:57

He was wrong, but why not go full time and he can go part time? If that is what you want to do?

pinkartset · 29/10/2014 09:57

I'm sure having a glass of water thrown over you was not nice OP. I'm not necessarily defending your husband because he had plenty of options as to how to deal with his anger towards you i.e. get up and leave the pub. However by the sounds of things, you were not behaving very respectfully towards your husband either. No doubt he is exhausted with work and coming home to the children too and perhaps he just snapped when you started taunting him about how much he brings home etc? I would not like it if my partner made disparaging, dismissive comments about my career and salary.

GoatsDoRoam · 29/10/2014 10:01

Nobody likes being disparaged.
However, responding with physical aggression is a choice. And not an acceptable one.
There are plenty of other ways to react, which do not cross a line.

lemisscared · 29/10/2014 10:02

pinkartset makes a very good point to be fair.

I think a point is being missed here though, it all started when he only wanted to be out with the OP for just about an hour. Now maybe he was just tired but it does seem a bit odd. Was he going out under sufferance? Why a "school" night as it were? why no go out on a night when no one has work the next day?

lemisscared · 29/10/2014 10:06

Maybe he shouldnt have thrown a glass of water over her but she shouldnt have been taunting him with "i earn more than you do in two days than you do all week" becuase thats pretty shitty tbh and if it were the other way around she would be told to LTB (not throw water over them though)

cheerupandhaveaglassofwine · 29/10/2014 10:06

Right ready for a flaming for this but here goes

A while ago I saw a program on dealing with tantruming children and one method which worked on shock tactics was throw a glass of water in there face

Not much just enough to wet them and shock them into listening and stopping there tantrum

Could your DH have done this to stop the argueing between you as a drastic method (rather than just shutting up and walking away to calm down like a normal adult)

theposterformallyknownas · 29/10/2014 10:18

I too think he crossed a line, but it wasn't unprovoked and people are only human, it was water.

Granville72 · 29/10/2014 10:21

Would OP be getting a pat on the back if it was her that threw a glass of water at her partner and the situation & work hours reversed?

And from what I can make out, he threw water at her, not the glass as well (not that it makes this situation any better).

A mans ego is very fragile, they're 'supposed' to be the provider in the family. To be told you can earn more in two days than he does in a week has clearly, and quite rightly, not gone down too well. If I were the chap I'd be thinking 'you ungrateful cow, I'm working full time and you can't help but rub my nose in it that you can earn more'.

Ego's on both sides are getting in the way here, and both ego's have been dented.
There also seems to be a lot of resentment towards your partner, what hours he works and the time the kids wake in the morning.

You both need to sit down, have a good adult talk and stop throwing insulting comments (if you can) and get this sorted out.

Yes, I also will probably get flamed here, but this is how it is coming across in your OP (whether it's intended or not)

jasper · 29/10/2014 10:24

you were both out of order

ChunkyPickle · 29/10/2014 10:25

I am in a similar position (a year down the line) - although DP earns well, I earn a fair whack for my now part-time job too.

Even in the heat of an argument about housework, and how jealous I was of him getting out of the house, and how he didn't pull his weight at home, and how I could earn just as much as him, and was doing him a favour staying at home because I could jump back into my career and he wouldn't be able to do that if he stopped (yes, it got a bit nasty, I won't deny it), it still didn't occur to him to get physical in any way - no water, not even slamming a plate down or pushing by me or anything.

That is normal. Frustrations spoken not acted.

Throwing a pint of water over you is not normal, it is violence, and it's quite possibly the start of something worse.

As to shock tactics on kids. cheerup - people resent the idea of using a water pistol on cats, let alone kids, and let alone a grown woman. Sod that. I don't feel the need to physically punish or shock my kids - they're people too and are entitled to feelings, but need to learn to control them.

DealForTheKids · 29/10/2014 10:26

I'm not wading into what the OP said or didn't say to her husband, though I personally think 'a man's ego is very fragile' is highly offensive to both men and women. Hmm

What I will say is that throwing a glass of water over someone in criminal law is an assault, and we shouldn't lose sight of that in discussing this.

I don't personally think that there's anything a person can say that justifies being assaulted by their partner.

OP, I hope you're feeling ok today and this thread hasn't derailed too far. No-one is telling you that you 'have' to LTB or that you 'deserved' it. I really think you need to talk to your husband and work out where his head is after this and then work out what to do about the work needed in your relationship.

carlsonrichards · 29/10/2014 10:32

I can be whatever I like on here, JuJu, provided I don't violate Talk Guidelines. It is not for you to dictate to me or anyone what they need to do or how to post.

You got personal and aggro with me. I did not. I voiced an opinion and still do. When it comes to someone being aggressive like this, IMO, there is No excuse for it. None at all.

But continue to get personal and aggressive about it, scolding and minimising, because it says more about you.

carlsonrichards · 29/10/2014 10:34

cheers' the OP is not a tantrumming child. Hmm.

Gen35 · 29/10/2014 10:34

I think you were hurt he didn't want to enjoy a night out with you and it spiralled from there. He probably didn't understand he'd hurt your feelings, so you hurt his, then he crossed a line. You need to take a step back, talk to him about why he's not making an effort in the relationship, and think/talk seriously about whether it's worth you working more - you'd have more money to make your lives easier, go out more, sometimes desperate things happen when everything is too close to the edge. Personally if I was sure he wasn't abusive, I'd up my work hours, use the extra to pay for good childcare and babysitters and see how things went. If it stays rubbish, at least you'll have your career too.

JubJubBirds · 29/10/2014 10:37

I was merely pointing out that you hadn't read the OP properly and offering my view on the situation. Sorry if you took it another way.

carlsonrichards · 29/10/2014 10:43

Erm, no, JuJu, you got personal, made all sorts of assumptions and scolded me about the language I use when posting. But again, carry on getting personal, it says more about you than me, frankly.

carlsonrichards · 29/10/2014 10:44

There is no ignore function here, but I have enabled my imaginary one.

JubJubBirds · 29/10/2014 10:53

Look Carlson, you're obviously very angry about the fact I called you out on the things you said. I still stand by what I said; the DP didn't show he was resentful specifically, you insinuated that, and that the OP has admitted to goading which you denied. If you need to ignore me to be able to cope with that then that's fine, go ahead, no hard feelings from me. But this thread isn't about me or you, it's about the OP.

lemisscared · 29/10/2014 10:56

Carlson please don't make this about you.

Allhallowspeeve · 29/10/2014 10:57

I cannot believe posters are thinking it acceptable to throw a pint of water water in ops face (or any fucking thing!) when being offended by what she said.

It is not acceptable at all!

Would it be ok for a stranger to do this? Would it be acceptable to do this to a child? No. So why is it acceptable to do it to a woman who has pissed her dh off?

Op should be able to say what the fuck she likes with out any sign of aggression. Her dh should be able to control is actions.

op you know he was out of order. Yes there are issues in your marriage. Work and your dh seriously over stepping a boundary. A big one. You need to think about what course of action you take now. Regarding both issues.

Go back to work and decided if you are going to let this man get away with this flash of temper her shown you. If you have been on MN long enough and seen the relationship boards you will be aware of where this roads leads. Once respect has gone it's gone.

What happened after when he did it or when you left the pub and went home?

Allhallowspeeve · 29/10/2014 11:00

cheers your first post is the most ridiculous post I've seen on MN. Throwing a pint of water as a shock tactic on a child or adult? Really ? What about a quick slap across the face? Yeah I wonder how many physically abusive husbands have used that one......

carlsonrichards · 29/10/2014 11:02

I haven't and still don't. Still believe the OP should go go back to work full-time and see if she still wants to be in a relationship with a person like this. It would be a dealbreaker for me, and some other posters on this thread, and still some other posters have related their stories about how it started with a glass of water or bottle of ketchup and escalated.

Anyone who wishes to continue psychoanalysing me or assuming whatever they wish about me to make themselves feel better is free to do just that.

Allhallowspeeve · 29/10/2014 11:04

jubjub many victims of abuse take the blame them selfs! "Oh I wound him up, I ddnt shut up, I hurt his feelings "

No no no.

It is never the victims fault ever. He is a grown adult that should be able to control his temper. If he did this to random stranger I'm sure he would be in trouble with now.

Not acceptable at all.

Allhallowspeeve · 29/10/2014 11:06

Can not fuckng believe the apologists on this thread!

ArabellaTarantella · 29/10/2014 11:42

You were in the pub, and he had a pint glass of water? Really? On your first night out in months? Or did he deliberately ask for a pint of water so he could throw it at you?

Just asking like so it is clear, 'cos at the moment it all unclear!