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Original poster

Partner is moody and I can't really cope anymore

109 replies

Cornishrexellie · 28/10/2014 15:56

I'm divorced and in a newish relationship, have two children with ex husband. New partner for around 20 months, he is moody and they are getting worse. His mood used to last a day, then all forgotten by morning, now they are lasting up to four days. He becomes rude, angry, swears at me and is insulting, moods are sparked off over trivia. For example huge mood for four days because I had fallen asleep watching tv and it was on a channel he didn't like.....mood because I spoke as he was falling asleep and woke him......there has never been any substance to a mood, it's always over petty things. His moods are normally a weekly occurrence
When out of a mood he won't discuss the episode as he says it will put him back in the mood.
I recently paid for a four day city break in a European capital, 5* hotel, just the two of us, he ruined three days in a mood because I asked for a cuddle at bedtime and he wanted to sleep. He wouldn't talk, just wanted to sit in the hotel room. Said he didn't want to come to that particular city in the first place and was ultimately very ungrateful and insulting.
I have a lot of love for this man, but he's grinding me down.

I'm a professional who can't take time off work to sort things out, but I'm looking glum in work and people are asking if I'm okay.

How can I deal with his moods, no matter what I say, it's makes him worse.
Am I flogging a dead horse here??

Plus he leant me £12k to partly buy out my ex husband and every time things are really bad he asks for his 12k back, which I haven got to hand.
I don't want to sell my house to pay him his money back, I'm in a pickle to say the least.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyGhoulish · 28/10/2014 20:55

I have read the thread, but the chorus of "leave the bastard" is so loud, there is no point joining that, op has enough reassurances that the relationship is bad.

However, she is stuck.

OhDearMuriel · 28/10/2014 20:58

Agree with Poppy, Lumpy & Jump.

Also, with interest rates being so low at the moment, and no sign of change 'yet,' would it not be worth seeing if you could add it on to your mortgage? You might be surprised at how low the repayment is.

At least you could get shot of him completely without having the ongoing repayment thing going/further contact.

TeaForTara · 28/10/2014 21:19

Oh and OP, whatever you do - don't find a new man to lend you the money to repay current DP - that's how you got into this mess in the first place!

OhDearMuriel · 28/10/2014 22:39

Yes, but just think TEA, then you could point and say "I Told You So."
You know positive and helpful stuff like that, not!

Timetoask · 28/10/2014 23:11

Out of interest, did you leave your husband for this guy?

Original poster
Cornishrexellie · 29/10/2014 05:01

I do intend on repaying him
I'm anything but selfish
He never asked for his money back only when threatening me with leaving
He said he wanted to give me the money so we could keep the house
And as for spending on my house, of course I'm going to do things like boiler maintenance etc, I've got children to keep warm.
He's also got a large chunk of savings still, so would have a deposit

OP posts:
Monathevampire1 · 29/10/2014 05:16

Neither of you sound happy in the relationship and it is effecting the children. Stop trying to talk him out of his moods let him sort him self out. Take legal advice on paying back the loan, chunk now and regular repayments might work. Then decide what you want.

Original poster
Cornishrexellie · 29/10/2014 05:24

Quint and Chandon. He also says that the 12k is part of his investment into our relationship, at first I was going to put the house and mortgage in joint names, however I didn't.

I also see why you are saying you would be pissed off about the money if not given back and I bought other stuff, however the terms of him giving it me were not set out like that

He didn't give me the money and stipulate a repayment plan, saying I couldn't buy or do a thing till all repaid

If he was on the bones of his arse or didn't have a further 10kish saved, then I would have started repaying him. Despite not earning as much as me he still had money from before we were a couple

Also quint in 60 yrs I'll be 100, so not much chance of that

But you've completely got the wrong end of the stick, I'm more than willing to repay him, we've got a legal contract, I'm not out to turn him over, I would rather he treated me the way he did at first and I wouldn't be unhappy. Nonetheless his moods over fuck all are becoming frequent, weekly and are taking longer to get out of.

And finally, I'm the total opposite of selfish, you don't find many selfish nurses, well after 14 yrs in the game, that's my experience however yours may be different

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/10/2014 07:08

I think you have to separate the two issues - the money and the relationship. I do not see that there is any obligation on you to stay together just because he has made you a loan. You are entitled to end the relationship independently if it's not working out. You will still owe him the money, obviously, but that can be paid back after you have parted company. Did the contract stipulate a time-frame? Is he threatening to sue?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 29/10/2014 08:10

His moods are not going to get any better though are they. I see up thread people have asked whether you left previous h for this guy. What on earth has that got to do with anything. Women are entitled to have relationships and also to end them for whatever reason they like.

Have you spoken to him about his moods? What was his previous relationship history? The bottom line is that normal people just don't act like this. He really wants to punish you and suck the joy out of any occasion.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/10/2014 08:15

The moods are clearly for manipulative purposes only - they are deliberately engineered. He knows the OP will respond by trying harder and that's a classing emotionally abusive technique. It was a mistake in hindsight to have any financial obligations to this person but - as I am very cynical - I wouldn't put it past a manipulative man to use every and any leverage to control the OP's behaviour.

lemonpuffbiscuit · 29/10/2014 08:18

I would move mountains to return his money. I would extend the length of the mortgage so that present payments are the same money wise.

BadcatBertram · 29/10/2014 08:22

I don't think he can take you to court, can he? If there was nothing in writing when you borrowed the money? I'm not sure but no doubt he will make your life very difficult. I paid for various expensive trips away and holidays for my ex and he always threw them back in my face by saying "I didn't even want to come to this shit-hole" etc....... The weight will lift when you get rid of him. Good luck.

lemonpuffbiscuit · 29/10/2014 08:28

How long is your mortgage 25 30 years? You can get 35 and I wonder if you can get longer? You can extend the length temporarily and then reduce the length once you are financially able too. The kids wont always need after school care, your wage should slowly increase and at some point you won't need to decorate/put furniture in your house any more.

But just to add, it might be worth keeping a diary of all your expenditure as you spend so that you can work out how to tighten your belt. Small things like coffees out add up and it would be better to have cheap holiday breaks if it meant you were able to shorten the length of a mortgage.

BirdhouseInYourSoul · 29/10/2014 08:42

If the contract states you pay him back on condition of a sale and you aren't selling then I doubt you'll be forced to pay him back immediately.

Unless the contract is worded around 'upon a split'?

If you pay him back a chunk now please remember to get the contract adjusted to reflect this. Have it state something like "any remaining balance is to be paid in full upon the sale of the house"

I would do the chunk now and small repayments after that.

QuintsTombWithAWiew · 29/10/2014 09:01

I dont doubt that he is an abusive arse, or that the loan was to buy her soul.

This is why it is imperative for ops sanity that she move heaven and earth to repay him so she can get him out of her life, rather than dilly dallying around going "oooh, I dont want to extend/increase my mortgage", "I dont want to take a loan and pay interest"

Cut your cloth according to your means, forego treats and renovations, forego adding extra to your mortgage, etc.

I get that you dont want to move house, it is your childrens home, and near their school. But, you need to get rid of that man, and that might mean paying him back at least some of his money, or you will never see the back of him.

newstart15 · 29/10/2014 10:11

He is unlikely to change and it's likely he will get worse as he will start to sulk with the children. 20months is still a relatively new relationship and he has shown what he is like.He won't change until he acknowledges it (which he won't) and takes action to seek help.Even if he took both steps today you are years away from the a fix as his behaviour seems to be deeply ingrained.In his life he has learnt that not communicating is an effective strategy, he gets a 'payoff' for this behaviour.Do you really want to be with someone whose only emotional response is sulking? Dont allow the loan to be a reason to procrastinate, you are a resourceful women and you will find a solution.

I also wonder if you are financially incompatible and have different approaches to money which in itself can be a reason to end a relationship.

Original poster
Cornishrexellie · 29/10/2014 11:13

He won't acknowledge his moods, when out of them he sees it as an attack on him if I try to mention what's happened. He says its in the past and he's not bothered about it.
His previous partner suffered his moods for 18 yrs, he says he worked on his behaviour and I am seeing the improved version

Had I known what he was really like I would have run a mile

Newstart15, maybe we are financially incompatible, he's very stringent with money.

I find it unbearable being ignored and then being called names

I often think who the hell do you think you are, sitting in my house, making me and my boys feel uncomfortable, not doing a tap of housework, cleaning or ironing. Does he think a clean tidy house occurs by magic?!! But I never say anything about that as I don't want him to go in a mood for days on end.

And I've learnt one thing, moods and sulking are very ugly things

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 29/10/2014 11:16

As we are saying, he is a dick who engineered the situation of you owing him money, in order to be able to control you. Get some legal/financial advice about the best way to repay the debt, work out a replayment plan then tell him to pack his bags and fuck off, and outline how he will be repaid his money.
He thinks he's bought you and can do what he likes - show him that he can't.

Original poster
Cornishrexellie · 29/10/2014 11:26

Thank you solidgoldbrass, I intend to tell him to fuck off ASAP, I'm better than putting up with his shit

At the moment he's in one of his moods so can't even have a conversation about him going, he won't talk, just got his headphones in playing a chess app on his phone, this is his usual behaviour

I just hope Ive got the balls to go it alone, I've got friends and family who are supportive

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 29/10/2014 13:59

Write him a note and thrust it under his big sulky face. Has he got somewhere to go? Pack his bags for him and get rid.

Imagine how free you will feel when this idiot is out of your life.

Viviennemary · 29/10/2014 14:05

No other answer but end the relationship. Life is far too short to put up with this if it's making you unhappy. Chances are it won't improve.

Annarose2014 · 29/10/2014 14:14

Love the writing a note idea. He's not the only one who can use passive agression to his advantage.

Or send him a text whilst he's sitting right there. "Welcome to Dumpsville - Population: You"

If he doesn't want a conversation then fine! He can still fuck the fuck off!

If he opens his mouth to start in about the money, just retort that your solicitor will draw up a comprehensive payment plan...now can you have the keys back please?

Original poster
Cornishrexellie · 29/10/2014 14:28

Thanks lumpy and Anna, you've made me smile x

OP posts:
overseas222 · 29/10/2014 14:37

"He says all his moods are because of me, he goes in a mood as a response to me"
"He won't acknowledge his moods, when out of them he sees it as an attack on him if I try to mention what's happened. He says its in the past"

What floors me is that you have described the type of man that I have been living with for over 20 years. Even the words are the same. I am struggling with it now and have been for years. It's endless and it doesn't matter what else is going on, the moods just keep on coming. He will do it in a crisis, he will do it at a time of celebration. He simply won't acknowledge it and it has gotten increasingly worse over the years. I am in that momment where the mood has passed and I am sitting, trying to remember and piece it together and work out what happened, so I can see it coming next week. But it has gotten too hard and so I went searching on the net for advice and I came across this thread. I have something to think about. Goodluck. I hope you make the break.

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