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Original poster

Partner is moody and I can't really cope anymore

109 replies

Cornishrexellie · 28/10/2014 15:56

I'm divorced and in a newish relationship, have two children with ex husband. New partner for around 20 months, he is moody and they are getting worse. His mood used to last a day, then all forgotten by morning, now they are lasting up to four days. He becomes rude, angry, swears at me and is insulting, moods are sparked off over trivia. For example huge mood for four days because I had fallen asleep watching tv and it was on a channel he didn't like.....mood because I spoke as he was falling asleep and woke him......there has never been any substance to a mood, it's always over petty things. His moods are normally a weekly occurrence
When out of a mood he won't discuss the episode as he says it will put him back in the mood.
I recently paid for a four day city break in a European capital, 5* hotel, just the two of us, he ruined three days in a mood because I asked for a cuddle at bedtime and he wanted to sleep. He wouldn't talk, just wanted to sit in the hotel room. Said he didn't want to come to that particular city in the first place and was ultimately very ungrateful and insulting.
I have a lot of love for this man, but he's grinding me down.

I'm a professional who can't take time off work to sort things out, but I'm looking glum in work and people are asking if I'm okay.

How can I deal with his moods, no matter what I say, it's makes him worse.
Am I flogging a dead horse here??

Plus he leant me £12k to partly buy out my ex husband and every time things are really bad he asks for his 12k back, which I haven got to hand.
I don't want to sell my house to pay him his money back, I'm in a pickle to say the least.

OP posts:
Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 28/10/2014 16:47

Cornish, was there a contract?

If not, then he doesn't have a leg to stand on to stipulate any terms (or even for you to pay him back, but we've establIshed that my position on that is that you absolutely have to pay him back. Anything else would be morally poor). He absolutely couldn't, under any circumstances whatsoever force you to sell your home.

Original poster
Cornishrexellie · 28/10/2014 16:49

Enjoyingmycoffee1981, I would not rip anyone off.
The lending if the money is legally done.

Yes he's draining me.

I'm devastated about the city break, utter waste of money and a slap in the face.

And yes I'm worried about being single but also about the other headaches a new partner could bring.

i really just want him to stop being so shitty, seems like a lot to ask though ??

OP posts:
JumpAndTwist · 28/10/2014 16:53

No he won't change.

He needs an emotional punching bag for his moods. I bet it makes him feel like a big powerful man when you fawn around him to try and get him to be nice to you.

If you need to be sure, you can test it quite easily. Stop pandering to his moods. Do not try to bring him round. Never apologise. Ignore him like he ignores you. Always wait for him to make a full and frank apology before you even look at him. If you can hold yourself back, do not do anything for him when he is carrying on like this, no meals, laundry, idle chat etc.

Think of him like a stroppy toddler.

How do you think he would react if you stopped rewarding the strops?

JumpAndTwist · 28/10/2014 16:55

Do you really think being single would be worse than living with a moody fucker?

Momagain1 · 28/10/2014 16:56

Manipulative moodiness. He is trying to control you, and managing pretty well. Sort out the money with some sort of payment plan (no more holidays until you do!) and get rid.

mutternutter · 28/10/2014 16:57

Sounds like my dh. Best thing he ever did for me and DC was to drop dead suddenly

Momagain1 · 28/10/2014 16:57

"yes I'm worried about being single but also about the other headaches a new partner could bring"

Be single.

LineRunner · 28/10/2014 17:00

How are you going to make the house affordable? Could you house-share for a while?

I once 'lodged' with a woman (my age) who was newly divorced and needed the rent to pay the mortgage. It was a great house-share. We were both working and got on well in the evenings.

She chose me carefully!

cakewitch · 28/10/2014 17:01

I have a friend in a relationship exactly like yours, he's slowly sucking all her joy in life away. She's about to marry him. It's going to end in a hell of a lot of heartache and misery for her. End it now before it gets any harder.

Indiana50 · 28/10/2014 17:01

It's not a good relationship if all you're doing is placating. Life's too short. If this carries on for the next ten years, are you going to have anything positive to look back on, from a bad tempered, self-indulgent arse of a man?

Have you tried giving him a taste of his own medicine. Kick him into a different bedroom, tell him you don't have to put up with "teenage" tantrums, and you're not.

Get practical

  1. how much do you have in savings as a lump sum towards repaying him (leaving you a buffer for emergencies)
  2. how much would you need to borrow, what is your cheapest form of lending - mortgage?
  3. how much would that increase your monthly cost by? Can you offset by putting a lodger in (rent a room, tax free)?

My mantra is that people get away with what you let them get away with, and no, I haven't worked it out yet, life ain't perfect, but I'm trying hard to be more honest with those around me.

annieoaklie · 28/10/2014 17:05

can you get a loan for the bank to make up the lump sum?

Being in debt to a bank far preferable to being indentured to this guy if he is not prepared to cop on.

Jan45 · 28/10/2014 17:09

Surely being single is better than being dragged down to his level - you will meet someone else in time, you don't need a man all the time to feel valued, value yourself, he certainly does not.

ImperialBlether · 28/10/2014 17:13

Ugh, he sounds horrible! Do whatever you can to pay him off. If it means selling your house then do it. It sounds as though the house might be a bit too expensive for you anyway, so it might be a relief.

HansieLove · 28/10/2014 17:38

You are better than this. It is demeaning for you to try and cajole him out of his moods. I think you should kick him out and after that see about the 12K. I would not discuss terms with him before he is gone. Your house, your decision who lives there. Of course, you do have to pay him back, and you will, but not all at once.

Original poster
Cornishrexellie · 28/10/2014 18:17

I'm don't want to sell up and move because of the children's school but I can see about a small loan and monthly repayments
He says all his moods are because of me, he goes in a mood as a response to me, he loves calling me a selfish twat, but when I analyse why he's gone in a mood it's bloody pathetic
In a restaurant I once asked him to hurry up so we could be seated, that was it, face like thunder, big mood and wouldn't talk till next day.

Have I got the right to ask him to leave because I can't put up with his behaviour for much longer, can he say he will stay until all money repaid?

OP posts:
Indiana50 · 28/10/2014 18:23

Oh flip. Take control, find out. Get angry, set boundaries.

Love for your children is unconditional; love for your partner is conditional on him not being an arse, and he is very much failing that test.

JumpAndTwist · 28/10/2014 18:35

No he cannot demand to stay until all money is repaid.

If his name not on the deeds then the law says he has to move out if you say so. If he refuses then the police will remove him for you. It really is that simple.

The money is a separate issue. From what you have said, I assume the contract with him says that he will get his 12k back when you sell the house. I am guessing the contract does not state explicitly that he can demand you sell the house to repay the debt. Morally you should repay him asap but legally you wouldn't have to until you sell the house one day. You can take your time to find a payment option that works (while he is not living with you).

JumpAndTwist · 28/10/2014 18:41

You can ask him to leave simply because you don't want to live with him any more. You don't have to explain any further than that. Your house. Your rules.

If he were to start blaming you or calling you names when you tell him to leave then you can turn round and say "This behaviour is exactly why I do not want to live with you."

PoppyField · 28/10/2014 18:45

You can kick him out. You tell him to go. You find a way to repay the money. You don't have to sell the house to repay him. So really there's nothing stopping you.

If you are the cause of all his moods, why then does he not break up with you anyway? I wonder why he is not doing that? You'd think he be packing his bags and dumping you if you're so awful to him to cause him to go into these terrible moods. Sounds like he gets off on being mean and using you as a punchbag. Yuk. Wanker alert!

ImperialBlether · 28/10/2014 18:56

The money is a separate issue and he has no right to stay until you have paid it.

I would post on the Legal section to ask for advice, but I'd also get rid of him as soon as I could, leaving him under no illusions as to why.

Original poster
Cornishrexellie · 28/10/2014 18:58

Thank you jumpandtwist, contract is £12k upon sale of house.
Deeds are in my name alone
I feel better knowing I have the right to say he has to go, he's got nowhere to go though, he rented before living with me, that's his problem to solve though isn't it.

He's been a nasty character in his past, I am slightly afraid of him in all honesty, I can't see him leaving without his cash in full, but I'm not taking on a hefty loan, he'll have to have instalments.

I have often wondered why he hasn't said he's off, I've asked him does he want to end it, he's says he wants to work at it, could it be he knows deep down that I'm a good person, who loves and respects him, I certainly don't shout or swear at him or go in a mood.

If it's selfish asking your partner for a cuddle before sleep when on holiday, no kids, no work and no early get up, then I'm guilty as accused. However I really didn't think my request was selfish, just a normal request between a couple. It's this sort of nonsense which I don't understand, surely that should not precipitate a major mood and verbal abuse??!!!!

OP posts:
TeaForTara · 28/10/2014 19:03

He sounds like a manipulative, controlling nightmare. From everything you have said (esp. his previous relationship) I think he will get worse rather than better, and that there is nothing you can do to change him. Him being so frequently in a sulk, and you pandering to it, is setting a very bad example to your DC.

If you want to try to save the relationship then change your behaviour. Do not dance around him trying to cajole him out of a mood. Tell him to leave the house and not come back until he's over the sulk. Tell him to grow the fuck up and be an adult. Whatever, but don't try to be nice when he's not being nice to you. To be honest, I think it will bring things to a head and you will realise that you really can't continue.

The money is another form of control over you. You are in his debt, so you have to be nice to him. You daren't break up with him. I'm not a legal expert but I very much doubt that a court would make you and your DC homeless in order to repay him. So yes, work out how much you can afford to repay on a regular basis, offer that, and don't book any more 5* city breaks until it's paid off. (Along with most other posters here, I don't understand why you were paying for the city break when you owe so much money. More of the trying to be nice to him, I suppose.)

Good luck. I think you'll be much better off without him.

TeaForTara · 28/10/2014 19:06

could it be he knows deep down that I'm a good person, who loves and respects him, I certainly don't shout or swear at him or go in a mood

No, it's because he thinks that you are a deeply caring but vulnerable person whom he can control and manipulate until you are subservient to his every whim, for fear of one of his sulks. He's got you right where he wants you!

SolidGoldBrass · 28/10/2014 19:13

Look, he lent you the money in the first place so he could have a hold on you. Think of him as a glorified loan shark.,
I bet he will suggest that you can 'repay' part of the money by opening your legs on a regular basis...

As others have said, work out a repayment plan and put him out of the house. Apart from sticking to the repayment schedule, block all contact with him once he's gone.

TeaForTara · 28/10/2014 19:14

He says all his moods are because of me, he goes in a mood as a response to me, he loves calling me a selfish twat, but when I analyse why he's gone in a mood it's bloody pathetic

It's not you. Really. It's not. It's good that you can see that his reasons for going into a sulk are so ridiculous. It's harder when they make you feel "Maybe he's right and I am selfish and it's all my fault." If you stay with him, you might catch yourself starting to think like that... then it will get even more difficult to break free.

Do it now - if not for you, for your DC.