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Original poster

Partner is moody and I can't really cope anymore

109 replies

Cornishrexellie · 28/10/2014 15:56

I'm divorced and in a newish relationship, have two children with ex husband. New partner for around 20 months, he is moody and they are getting worse. His mood used to last a day, then all forgotten by morning, now they are lasting up to four days. He becomes rude, angry, swears at me and is insulting, moods are sparked off over trivia. For example huge mood for four days because I had fallen asleep watching tv and it was on a channel he didn't like.....mood because I spoke as he was falling asleep and woke him......there has never been any substance to a mood, it's always over petty things. His moods are normally a weekly occurrence
When out of a mood he won't discuss the episode as he says it will put him back in the mood.
I recently paid for a four day city break in a European capital, 5* hotel, just the two of us, he ruined three days in a mood because I asked for a cuddle at bedtime and he wanted to sleep. He wouldn't talk, just wanted to sit in the hotel room. Said he didn't want to come to that particular city in the first place and was ultimately very ungrateful and insulting.
I have a lot of love for this man, but he's grinding me down.

I'm a professional who can't take time off work to sort things out, but I'm looking glum in work and people are asking if I'm okay.

How can I deal with his moods, no matter what I say, it's makes him worse.
Am I flogging a dead horse here??

Plus he leant me £12k to partly buy out my ex husband and every time things are really bad he asks for his 12k back, which I haven got to hand.
I don't want to sell my house to pay him his money back, I'm in a pickle to say the least.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cornishrexellie · 28/10/2014 19:19

Dear teafortara, I booked the holiday as a treat for us, and yes trying to show my love for him, and because he's only asked for his money back when in a mood but then when we are friends again it's never mentioned, I've never thought pay him back.

And you are soo right , I do fear upsetting him, I hate the moods, I despise being ignored, he knows I don't cope well with being on the receiving end of his lengthy sulks.

He's also jealous where money is concerned too, I have a far better job and earn considerably more than him, but also have more outgoings, car, after school club, I pay for all house stuff ie maintenance and decorating, items for the home and more of the mortgage payment etc, so each month most of my money is accounted for. I do like little treats and he begrudges these.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 28/10/2014 19:28

The fact is that he makes you unhappy and on edge. It can't be good for your DC to live with him. Find a way of repaying him asap - better to make loan repayments than to make repayments to him, in my opinion. Do you think the bank would give you a long term loan?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/10/2014 19:31

How did you meet this opportunist sulker?.

Trying to show your love to such an ungrateful creature of a man has backfired upon you badly. He has taken your good nature and crapped all over it because he is at heart an abuser. He was never your project to rescue and or save; such men actually hate women, all of them.

His moods are because of him, its a common tactic used by abusive men to blame their chosen victims. I say victims as well because I'm including your children in this as well.

This is the real him you are seeing and he is a manipulative nightmare like all abusive men are. You must get him out of your house and life by whatever means are necessary.

You should be teaching your children positive lessons about relationships; currently they are seeing their mum being abused and used.

I would suggest you look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme asap and especially once you are rid of this man because you simply cannot afford to choose so badly in a man ever again. Does he on some level remind you of your ex H?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/10/2014 19:33

Its far better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. Currently you are badly accompanied.

Original poster
Cornishrexellie · 28/10/2014 19:33

Yeah I could get a loan, the plus side of repaying him, it would be interest free.

I think my boys are starting to see the cracks, they've seen me crying and have asked if he's being nasty and not talking.

Thanks for all the advice, I know what I need to do, just need to be strong now and do it.

I work in psychiatry and under no circumstance am I going to suffer with depression for a man, absolutely not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cornishrexellie · 28/10/2014 19:37

He is a million miles from my ex husband

He never swore at me, not moody and was generous and adored me.

Sadly things for me changed and I fell out of love with him.

I met him at work....which proved difficult, he has since left but still works for the same nhs trust but in a different location.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/10/2014 19:41

Yes you do need to get rid of this person from your life.

Like many abusive types he has likely ramped up the power and control over you (and by turn your children) over time; he probably could not do enough for you in the early days. However, this was all an act designed to hook you in and get you emotionally invested. His lending you cash was indeed just another form of power over you.

He's a terrible role model for your boys to potentially emulate as well and that's another reason for him to be gone from your lives asap.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 can and will help you here and do consider doing their Freedom Programme too.

ImperialBlether · 28/10/2014 19:51

Is he charging you interest then?

Original poster
Cornishrexellie · 28/10/2014 19:52

No he's not imperial

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 28/10/2014 19:54

Sorry, I misunderstood what you meant. The thing is that if you weren't with him at the time, you would've had to have paid interest on a loan anyway, wouldn't you?

Do you regret parting from your ex?

TeaForTara · 28/10/2014 19:59

Forewarned is forearmed: if you tell him it's over, he will probably cry, apologise, say he didn't realise how bad it made you feel, promise to change, ask you for "one more chance". He might come home with flowers. He might even propose. He'll be devastated - how can you do this to him, you're so cruel, why do you hate him, he can't live without you etc etc.

If that doesn't work, and you still kick him out, he might threaten suicide or suddenly be taken ill and admitted to hospital for tests.

Then he'll turn nasty and threaten to get your home repossessed to get his money back and maybe other threats.

And then he'll turn nice again, tell you he's in therapy and getting treatment for his moods, everything will be different now, let's give it another go, we could be really happy together, remember when xyz...

All of this is par for the course and NOT REAL. But you still have feelings for him and it will be difficult to see through it. It's easy from the outside and very, very difficult when you're enmeshed.

Original poster
Cornishrexellie · 28/10/2014 20:08

Some regrets but ultimately I wasn't happy with ex husband

I'm also pretty sure he won't cry if I tell him it's over and he has so go, he's a very tough character

OP posts:
zippey · 28/10/2014 20:10

Did the moodiness start when you borrowed the money? I'm asking because people harbour resentment after they loan out money.

But it really doesn't matter. Do your children have to walk on eggshells when he is moody?

A relationship should be about being happy to be a couple and it doesn't appear either of you are getting anything out of being together.

QuintessentiallyGhoulish · 28/10/2014 20:17

Surely you can prioritize saving up to repay him, rather than overpaying mortgage and renovations?

He lent you 12k interest free so you could buy out your husband.

He pays his share of the bills, and he contributes to your mortgage.

He rented before. You earn a lot more than him.
So, in reality, he spent his savings on you. He partakes in paying off your house from you. He has no rights as a tenant, and no right to ownership in your home. Does he even have means to save up for a deposit and first months rent if you decide to kick him out?

I would say that he is in quite a vulnerable position, and I dont think these dynamics are good for your relationship!

No wonder he gets grumpy when you spend money on treats, knowing full well that you have his savings, and you have no intention of paying him back earlier than you have to because that would disadvantage you.

You sound rather selfish.

FoxgloveFairy · 28/10/2014 20:23

What is occurring to me is not so much what you, op, can do to fix this relationship, but why you would want to put that effort in. Sorry to sound a bit blunt, but there it is.

FoxgloveFairy · 28/10/2014 20:25

The money you owe him is another matter of course. You have to pay it back, obviously, so you need to sort that out with him.

QuintessentiallyGhoulish · 28/10/2014 20:27

I reckon OP plans to just kick him out, and not pay him the money until the house is sold, in 50/60 years time. That is what the contract she made him sign says....

Chandon · 28/10/2014 20:29

agree with QuintessentiallyGoulish

I would be pissed off if someone owed me such a large sum, then squandered 100s on a luxury trip...that would put me in a mood too.

Start paying him off faster/more, so you get the ugly money thing out of the way. Make the effort to pay him off, then you are free.

JumpAndTwist · 28/10/2014 20:32

If someone is treating you very badly, refusing to stand for it is not being selfish, even if they have lent you some money on generous terms.

Maybe get a proper loan sorted before you kick him out? Hand him the cheque for £12k and ask him to leave.

PoppyField · 28/10/2014 20:37

Quintessentially and Chandon - have you read the thread? She is planning on paying him back his money - what's your problem. You're making out that she's a spendthrift who doesn't want to pay him back. The reverse is true. She is going to pay him back and is working out a way to do it.

The man gets grumpy when she spends money on treats for them both, that he has initially sanctioned and then decides to go on a three-day huff when they get there - how's that for reneging on the deal? Amazing how he went along with that trip as far as getting to the airport and getting on a plane. What did she do, hold a gun to his head? No, he waited till they got there to be us usual shit-ness.

How about focussing on what a git he is being and how hard that might be to live with? There is absolutely no moral imperative for her to pay him off BEFORE she kicks him out. She should just kick him out as he is consistently being an arsehole and doing nothing to resolve the situation - with payment plan in place. No moral deficit there. He should sort himself or fuck the fuck off. Nobody has a right to treat a partner and her children the way he is.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 28/10/2014 20:37

He lent her some money, it doesn't mean he owns her and can control how she behaves. Hmm

PoppyField · 28/10/2014 20:39

Lumpy - you did that so succinctly! Respec'!

LumpySpacedPrincess · 28/10/2014 20:41

Chandon would you also go along with someone as they booked the trip and only when you are on the trip go on an epic strop and spoil it?

He isn't pissed off about the money. He only mentions the money when he wants to guilt trip op.

TeaForTara · 28/10/2014 20:50

Interesting opposite spin, Quint and Chandon . If he had gone into the sulk when he learned that OP had booked the city break (i.e. spending money she should be using to pay him back) then I might agree with you. But he was enthusiastic about it until they arrived. And he sulks because the OP wants a cuddle at bedtime or falls asleep in front of the TV with the wrong channel on!

Obviously we have only one side of the story to go on, and he might very well have a completely different story. But (almost) everyone is urging the OP to break up with him AND REPAY HIS MONEY so I don't think he's as hard done by as you are making out.

cerealqueen · 28/10/2014 20:54

He has history with this behaviour so I can't see you changing him. Try and get some money together as a part repayment, maybe draw up a contract for how much you will pay pay back over instalments and present him with both.
Life is too short.

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