How much child support do you receive from your ex (dc's dad) ?

[LargeMerlot]

Hi all

So me and my ex (dd's dad) have been separated for 2 and half years now. It's been tough, but amicable overall. We're both with new people now, so we've very much moved on.

The problem is, every month I have to badger him for some financial support. Some months he does it willingly and without any pushing, other months it can take ages for him to get back to me and he'll just ignore me and then ask me exactly what I'm spending it on. It's stupid! He knows I'm not going to spend any of it on me. I know it's just a stalling tactic and the thing is, I've been really reasonable with him. He's self employed and so I understand that one month he's more flush than the next, but then I would expect more the next month..........that's not wrong or too much to expect is it?

I suggested a few months a go that we agreed on £100 a month and that's happened for the first month, but then after that I had to keep reminding him of the date and that I genuinely really need it and that I'm not just being awkward or making a point. If he was just going through a really tough time financially, then I'd go easy on him, but the last couple of weeks when he picks dd up, he's bragging about the new watch he bought for a bargain at £200, or that he's just got himself a load of new clothes, or he's going away for a posh weekend with his gf. He works really hard and I don't begrudge him anything, but I do if it means that my dd isn't getting the money she needs. Me and my dp don't have any luxuries and we both work really hard. All our money goes on bills, rent etc and of course dd. When we've finished paying all that off, there's nothing, so it makes me angry when he comes in flashing his new things and I'm struggling to buy my dd a new pair of shoes.

I don't really know how to approach this. I don't want to get anyone else involved. I know my ex can be a bit of a nob, well a lot of a nob sometimes, but I didn't think this would keep happening.

Advice needed please. Or it would just be interesting to hear how much on average you receive in child support.

Thank you.

Yup, "pay as you go". It's disgusting really, out of sight out of mind maybe? Your poor DD. It does cause a child upset when they know their other parent won't pay for them to eat. It's not always something you can hide, so what do you do? I hope she's OK

Thank you lady I hope yours are ok too.

Yep, it's not nice. I don't think she's so much aware of the money side of things, as I try really hard to hide the fact that we're struggling. I don't want her worrying. She does wonder why he doesn't see her more though and that really does break my heart. I was very lucky and never had this when I was growing up. She asked me the other day if he loved her as much as he used to She started a new school a month or so a go and he didn't call once to see how it was going. After a week, I called him and said that I assumed he would want to know how it's going. My dp called when they were at work in the morning before she went, just to say good luck and so did my mum and my sister. I didn't expect him to remember which day it was, cos he's always been like that, but I expected him to at least call that week. So really, the issues clearly aren't all about money with him.

30 a week for my daughter although I would gladly give some of it up for him to pay her a little more attention :(

vodka, know the feeling.

Yup

Nothing at all. He's a twat and I hate him.

He quit his job to avoid paying maintenance.

I get £300 a month from my ex for our ds, he lives 200 miles away so has ds in the holidays, takes him on holiday once or twice a year, buys him clothes when he's with him and has in the past helped me out with extras when I've been particularly hard up. He a also does all the driving to pick ds up and bring him home again for visits (which adds up to quite a lot in fuel costs). My dp gives his ex wife £400 a month for dsd. She lives just over an hour away and he does all the driving to and from ex's house to pick her up and take her home again when she comes to stay. Neither dp or I have formal financial agreements, we each reached an agreement with respective ex's ourselves.

I got almost nothing for the first 4-5 years, then got a court order 500 euro per month,2 kids (we were living in Ireland)he often paid late or not at all. He is now abroad, I get the money(mostly) he has very little contact with the children.
I told him I would inform his employers if he didn't pay, they can do nothing but he would hate the embarrassment of people thinking he wasn't the perfect dad, forgetting that his 3 marriages and 6 kids he hardly never sees, probably is a giveaway!

I tried that one, feelingdizzy. Water off a duck's back. Pleased it worked for you though (he sounds like a right dick).

I get £100 /month per child - we have 3. It doesn't pay for the cost of their 'activities' and everything else is down to me. BUT he does pay pretty much every month and ts better than nowt. CSA would award about £500 I think... he has them one day a week and one child overnight about once a month

Nothing, he decided to stop paying in January having got made redundant at work (but with a massive pay off). When I went to them in April the CMS told me he wasn't working and therefore didn't have to pay me anything so didn't even get the £7 I would have got each week if he had been on benefits. He's been working since September so chasing them again - he's told the caseworker he's been paying me £800 a month on a voluntary basis! Lying git!

He is taking the piss, really he is. You are a good parent, trying to keep matters amicable for the sake of your DD and don't want to rock the boat. Ideally you should go to the CSA, but because he is self employed you could end up with even less. They are absolutely, totally useless when it comes to dealing with self employed NRPs. He will submit his accounts with his figures, HMRC will okay it and then the CSA will tell you that he really does earn 120 a week net because HMRC say so.They are fine for straightforward cases as someone has already posted.

Personally, I received a big, fat zero for five years. Then around 28 per week, back to 5 per week. He has now been assessed at 50 per week but is insisting he was self employed for 12 months when he earned 150 per week, which they have accepted and now they say I owe 400!

Sorry if this is might not be what you want to hear. But what everyone is saying is right, 100 is far too little.

CSA do not recalculate to reflect cost of living. Only if there has been a change in circumstances employment wise.

£20 a week. He is self employed so the CSA is no good. He was assessed that he should pay £43 a week but he won't. Nothing I can do about it though. Very dis-empowering experience going through the CSA.

He contributes at birthday and Christmas about another £150 and maybe £150 miscellaneous stuff though the year.

I would vote for any party that sorted the CSA out, it is a disgraceful mess at the moment.

Ah so not very good reports about the CSA. Tbh, from what I had heard years a go, before we'd split, I always felt sorry for anyone who felt they had to use them, as to me, they sounded less than useless. I never thought I'd actually be in the position that I'd be considering using them myself. Not just because I assumed we'd stay together, but because as much of a prick as he can be, he normally would have his priorities in the right order, but I don't know, I feel like I never knew him at all sometimes. Never EVER would I have thought he'd be doing this.

It's not just men who are feckless wasters.

I split from my ex 5 years ago after her third affair, I paid £900/month for 3 dd's plus half the mortgage so about 1200 in total. I had the girls three nights one week, four the next.

She was and is a highly intelligent woman who was earning 75k when we split, unfortunately she is also a functioning alcoholic as was the OM who moved in as soon as I left.

Last Xmas eve all three dd's, by now teenagers, left together to come and live with me after another drunken row between the ex and her now husband, police called etc.

I stopped the standing order straight away, the only communication I or the girls have had since last Xmas is her ringing to complain that I wasn't paying towards the mortgage anymore! She's got the 6 bedroom former marital home whilst me and the girls are in a small rented 3 bed terrace.

As for getting any money from her, it's not even worth the hassle.

Gender is no bar to appalling behaviour.

If this comes across as bitter and twisted, I'm not. My girls are all beautiful intelligent caring people who have all shown enormous strength of character to come through a horrible time which was none of their making, that's all that matters to me.

DS is 12 and we have never had a penny. I took the view at the time that officially has has nothing so if I asked through the official channels I would get nothing, and I would only lose his goodwill by asking. As it happens, I don't want his goodwill either as even that is worthless.

I get £235 a month for Dd who's 9. Through CSA, saves me having to harass him for it and any arguments.
He's on a normal salary I'm guessing around 25-30k a year and has another dd at home.
He has no contact with my dd - his choice

The CSA contacting Ex's workplace to get the support owed really made him look bad, he hated me for doing that.
It took ages but CSA got me it all backdated. They are shit...sometimes, they take ages..but for me they did work to get me the money.

Out, I sympathise. However, nobody has said that it's just men. It's MUMSnet, not to say that men aren't welcome, of course they are! It makes a refreshing change actually, but the vast majority of posters are women, so therefore you're going to get mainly women's side of the story. I'm no man hater, I'm a not taking responsibility for your own children hater.

Maybe I am a bit bitter and twisted then.

I didn't even know of the existence of this site until today, one of my (platonic) girlfriends showed me this thread about maintenance as everyone said I was paying too much. I didn't even know about the CSA calculator, for some bizarre reason I trusted(!) what my ex told me I would have to pay.
Tapping the figures in I would have been about 900 quid a month better off! Still, it's only money.

Reading through some of the other stuff on here is a bit depressing though, I've been in my own for 5 years now and I think I'll stay that way.
We aren't all psychos,control freaks,perverts and mummy's boys though

I don't think men are 'all psychos,control freaks,perverts and mummy's boy' at all. I think I've been unlucky and there's some wonderful men out there. Just not here There's some loopy women too, if that helps. I think you've been too generous with your maintenance. You have to eat and live too, so you should be paying what's fair.

£25 a week is a ridiculous amount, how can he possibly not know this. I have two children, remarried and ex pays £800 per month. It also depends how old your dd is. When mine were younger they didn't need much but now they are teens, with factors like gcse tuition, mobiles, social life, braces, even that doesn't go very far.

Outonnluesix just read your posts have enormous sympathy. The biggest decision one makes in life is who you have children with. You can always change your job but you can never change the other parent of your children.