Basically, up to now I've kept my relatively strained relationship with my Mum off MN. But the fact is that I need to talk about it to someone, I should prob have changed my name but there you go. Whenever I talk to DH about it he just sits, listens and refuses to say anything negative (which is fair enough, I suppose), but sometimes I really need to hear that he is on my side.
Condensed background - My parents separated when I was 6 years old. My father was a violent alcoholic gambler (with an utterly charming, handsome and likeable facade). My mother was entirely controlled by him. Lots of things were witnessed and experienced by me that no child should ever have to go through. When they separated, they asked me who I wanted to live with, I was 6 years old and sat inbetween them being asked to choose. My father was crying and my Mum wasn't, so my 6yr old brain chose the one who looked most upset .
I went to live with my father. I still saw my Mum every other weekend and used to cry when she brought me back to my father's house, he used to 'phone her and ask her why I was so miserable after spending time with her (I wasn't miserable about going there, I was miserable and terrified at having to come back). My father got together with a woman a few years older than him and he continued to dole out the same violent behaviour. She took it out on me. I once forgot my Brownie uniform (I must've been about 7) and she held me by the throat up against the living room wall, she actually lifted my feet off the ground and was screaming with rage into my face. This is/was a 40+ year old woman.
I eventually begged to go and live with my Mum at 11 because I couldn't handle it anymore. I moved in and life was ok from then on. I never saw my father again (my choice entirely). My Mum was the 'cool' Mum that all my teenage mates wanted, she would let me out 'til all hours and was fairly relaxed with anything and everything I wanted to do as a teenager. Quite detached, not very maternal, although I always knew she loved me.
I moved 100 miles away from my Mum just a few months before my 17th birthday and was v happy. I was still relatively glad of the detached parenting style she employed.
I eventually moved areas again and settled down with my now DH. We had only been together a few months when I moved in with him, and shortly after I was pg (planned). My Mum didn't take well to the news of my pg and completely shut down. She would 'phone and ask about everyone and everything bar the pregnancy. When DD was born my Mum was very happy and fell in love with DD. Although 'phone calls never included "how's DD?". Which really, really hurt.
It really seems to me that it is a total case of 'out of sight, out of mind' for my mother. When we are there at her house, or she is here, she is so involved and wants to be a part of it, but when we are apart it's like we don't even occur to her. She didn't 'phone to ask how DD's first day of school went, despite her knowing the date (I'd told her about 3 times). Nor did she 'phone to find out how my first day college had gone. I could go on forever, but tech wouldn't thank me !
I have to 'phone her all the time. I'm sick of chasing her, practically forcing her to take an interest in her grand-daughter's life, our lives. But the problem is that I feel trapped by it. My Mum is DD's only living grandparent, DD adores her (mainly because she is 4 and is protected from the vague nature of her grandmother). I can't afford for DD to lose her, but I can't spend the next 20 years+ begging my mother to be a part of our lives.
I've talked to my Mum about it countless times but she just denies everything and cries, leaving me feeling fucking awful and unjustified. I don't know what to do, but I know I can't go on like this.