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Original poster

My husband and his female friend

76 replies

cheerybear · 28/10/2014 10:13

N/C foe this, please help me get this straight in my head?

My husband and I have been together four years we get on well and have had the odd ups and downs but nothing too major.

He has a friend, a friend who is female and is a few years older than him, however he has had partners a few years younger than her, but I do trust him so I actually don’t think there is anything sexual going on. They were very good friends a few years ago and she lives about 100 miles away so he doesn’t see her very often.

I haven’t met this lady other than once in passing. He doesn’t see her often but when he does it’s always conveniently when I can’t be there, I am starting to feel upset about this. Again I will stress that I don’t believe there is anything going on, she does seem a lovely woman, he does tell me stories about her and she does sound like somebody I would get along with; he also says he tells her stories about me and she is always lovely and talks about when we will all meet up, but this never happens.

I feel excluded from this part of his life, I feel he doesn’t want me there, I feel he is ashamed of me (although in no other part of my life has he made me feel like he is ashamed of me). I feel he puts this lady on a pedestal and doesn’t talk about anybody as fondly as he does her. I asked him about 18 months ago (after he’d booked an afternoon off work to spend time with her without me) why I am never there when he meets her and we even had a row about it, he said “I am allowed to see my friends without you there”, this really crushed me as I have always made him feel included in my life and with the people I know. I am proud of him and want people to meet him, I feel torn up that the person he seems to feel the most for (of his friends) hasn’t met me yet on a social basis, I honestly feel like he’s embarrassed of me. Even on our honeymoon we had a bit of a row as he wanted to buy a few gifts for her, I didn’t actually mind the gift buying but he did want to spend more money on a couple of gifts for her than we had on others and this was coming out of our joint pot, I just feel they have this special closeness that I am not allowed to be part of.

I will illiterate that I honestly do not think there is anything going on, but would you be hurt? I asked him to look at it from my point of view, but he come up with a stupid example that I have seen people without him, which that may be (although as far as I am aware I have never excluded him from any part of my life) but he knows these people well, it’s not like I have a friend that he hasn’t met and that I continue to meet even though I know he would like to meet them. I have no problem with him seeing anybody without me. He has said that the times they have met up it’s just been convenience rather than deliberately meeting without me.

OP posts:
Shenton · 28/10/2014 10:48

Drop everything and be available for the next meet up no matter what and the reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Original poster
cheerybear · 28/10/2014 10:58

Thank you for the reply as I am feeling very down. We was suppose to have a meet up at a party, but she backed out at the last minute, now I am wondering if it is the reason was guilt rather than illness. Other than that I never know about the meetings until the actual day it's happening, I don't get invited I just told they're happening.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2014 11:00

He booked time off work to spend with this friend? Hmm I have some great friends, male and female, but I don't think I can say that I have ever booked time off work to be with them... ever. The boyfriend on the other hand...

Agree with the PP. Insist on being with them next time they meet up. There's trusting a partner and there's having the wool pulled over your eyes.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2014 11:01

You said that she sounded nice. Did this great friend not come to your wedding?

confusedandemployed · 28/10/2014 11:03

I've booked time off to spend with my male friend quite a few times. One time we went to London and did all the things we enjoy, that my DP doesn't - eating in posh restaurants, seeing the sights, going to comedy shows on the spur of the moment... We shared a room (separate beds) and didn't get the slightest urge to get up to no good. Uurgh the very thought. It'd be like doing it with my brother. My DP knows full well that nothing would ever, ever happen. But he has met my friend on several occasions, so I guess that helps.

supersop60 · 28/10/2014 11:03

I agree with the above. You really should be there.

Original poster
cheerybear · 28/10/2014 11:04

Yes I met her in the line up as she was at my wedding, that was the once in passing. There was too much going on that day to "meet" her probably other than a quick hello and she did seem nice.

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 28/10/2014 11:06

Grab the bull by the horns and arrange to meet her yourself without your husband being there, if she won't meet up with you it tells you everything you need to know.

Phalenopsis · 28/10/2014 11:07

From what you've said OP, you have reason to be worried. It all sounds rather convenient that you've never met her and that there's always an excuse as to why you can't meet up. Taking an afternoon off work is no biggie to me BUT when you factor in the other stuff, it doesn't sound good. I'd definitely insist on meeting up next time but I don't think you'll get the response you want.

Original poster
cheerybear · 28/10/2014 11:08

confusedandemployed yes I have no problem with him spending time with friends or female friends, I think it's because I have no knowledge of her or their friendship in real terms, I feel excluded. I actually do only want to be friends, as he is friends with her and if she is important to him; I feel I want to be involved in that friendship. I don't think I would mind them meeting if I knew her at all. I just am starting to feel anxious and have bad feeling towards her as I feel I am being kept at arms length.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2014 11:10

How was it a last minute plan if he took time off work? Doesn't he have to book a little in advance to take the afternoon off?

All sounds like he's got a crush on this woman to me. Gifts, MYOB defensiveness, pedestal-placing etc. But I'm the old fashioned sort. He should be doing something to reassure you, not making things look more suspicious.

Original poster
cheerybear · 28/10/2014 11:11

I don't know her well enough to actually meet her on my own, I actually wouldn't know how to initialise the meeting and would feel very strange. It's not as if we chat on the phone or anything, I have literally only ever said hello to her.

I am very grateful for your replies, I have only ever spoke to him abut it and I feel I needed to hear what I was thinking from others.

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 28/10/2014 11:12

Hate to say this but this is exactly what I went through donkeys years ago with my ex fiance, and yes he was shagging her Angry

FelicityGubbins · 28/10/2014 11:15

Cross posted cheery, you phone her up and say " hi, I'm (twattys name) wife, I'm aware that he meets up with you occasionally, so as you are such close friends with him I figured it was time we finally had some one on one time too and got to know each other better, what day is best for you?"

Original poster
cheerybear · 28/10/2014 11:23

I doubt that he would like me to meet her without him, but then I am back to square one where he won't ever meet her with me.

I am actually my own worst enemy, I'm glad I have wrote all of this down though, I'd started to feel like I was being over the top about this, but I don't think I am.

OP posts:
BeCool · 28/10/2014 11:31

I think they meet up occasionally and shag and have been doing this for years. They are also friends/get on well, but for whatever reason have decided not to pursue a relationship, but meet up for sex and fun occasionally, and his getting married to you hasn't stopped this.

This isn't about you wanting to force yourself into his friendship, it is about him wanting to keep you complexly away and out of this friendship.

Knowing how this is upsetting you, why on earth wouldn't he facilitate you meeting her and getting to know her a little, if just to put you at ease?

You feel excluded because he is deliberately excluding you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2014 11:33

Of course you're not being OTT. You say you've been married for 4 years and you started feeling iffy about the whole thing on your honeymoon. He's done nothing since to make you feel any more comfortable about this friend - quite the opposite. The way your OP kept protesting that you trust him so much and that you think there's nothing going on, I wondered who you were trying to convince really. Us or yourself? By no stretch of the imagination is the way you feel now overreacting or unreasonable.

Do you suffer from low self-esteem in general? Lack of confidence?

Horsemad · 28/10/2014 11:41

Invite her for tea at your house! I would not be putting up with this OP.

badbaldingballerina123 · 28/10/2014 11:46

I wouldn't want to meet her. By suggesting meeting her it okays their friendship and you become the third wheel . They've made it clear they don't want you there and for that reason I wouldn't tolerate it. Do you think she would be ok if her husband booked time of work to spend it with another woman? Do you think your husband would be ok if you booked time off work for similar reasons ?

I think I'd do some digging around in their communications. I can't really understand why he bought her a gift when you were on your honeymoon.

badbaldingballerina123 · 28/10/2014 11:54

Op it's clear that they communicate and that you are also left in the dark about those communications , ie , they had clearly arranged to go to a party but kept this from you , simply stating that it's happening. How and when is he communicating with her ? I would want to see these conversations and would take steps to view them.

I agree with others about your references to trusting him completely. There's really no real why you should. This is sounding more and more like some sort of affair .

Original poster
cheerybear · 28/10/2014 11:58

I am really hoping they are just meeting as friends and it's just been easier to organise it when I can't be there, rather than worst case scenario, I am feeling unsure now.

All of my previous partners have cheated on me (I guess I must have a “type”) so I do suffer with very low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness, my husband knows this and I trusted him not to hurt me as I can’t go through this again, I don’t trust him, not to necessarily “not” cheat on me but not to hurt me.

That said, knowing that he knows that the private meetings were upsetting me but he’s still continued means that perhaps he doesn’t care about my feelings as I perhaps thought/hoped he did.

I couldn’t have her at my house as I would feel uncomfortable with that too. We have only been married for part of that four years, we have been together four years, why would he marry me though, it seems like a lot of effort?

I wanted to straighten my head, I jsut feel more confused than I did.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheerybear · 28/10/2014 12:03

I talk to male friends via mail, text and it's completely innocent, I have no desire to see their conversations, he's allowed friendships. I don't mind their friendship either (if that is what it is), I objected to be continuously kept away from their friendship, but you are right, something doesn't sit quite right here unfortunately.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2014 12:09

I'm sorry you've been unlucky in the past with partners. I'm also sorry you suffer from low self-esteem. If he knows this he should be going out of his way to bolster your confidence and act in a reassuring and trustworthy manner. As it stands, he knows you're upset and is ignoring your feelings.

I think the answer to this is 'no' but are you jealous in other circumstances? Do you prevent him from talking to women generally, for example?

Why would he marry you? People marry for all kinds of reasons - some less palatable than others. Security, appearances, domestic services, love....

Original poster
cheerybear · 28/10/2014 12:15

I don't prevent him taking to other women, I can feel jealous but I will say that I am feeling jealous and will recognise it, I know my jealousy is my problem. The only time I have been very upset about stuff like this is over this particular lady. He can honestly be friends and meet whoever he wants, I just wanted to be involved in the friendship like he is with all of mine, but I have been excluded for whatever reason from this friendship.

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 28/10/2014 12:24

Having been stung with the female friend thing personally , and watching a variety of friends go through the same , I am more than dubious about these types of friendships. There is a world of difference between a long term friendship that is open and healthy , and a friendship that is secretive and is causing a negative effect on the marriage.

Being betrayed does something terrible to you , the fact that your husband knows this, and knows that his on going friendship is distressing you is very cruel and indicates she's more important than she should be.