My husband and his female friend

[cheerybear]

N/C foe this, please help me get this straight in my head?

My husband and I have been together four years we get on well and have had the odd ups and downs but nothing too major.

He has a friend, a friend who is female and is a few years older than him, however he has had partners a few years younger than her, but I do trust him so I actually don’t think there is anything sexual going on. They were very good friends a few years ago and she lives about 100 miles away so he doesn’t see her very often.

I haven’t met this lady other than once in passing. He doesn’t see her often but when he does it’s always conveniently when I can’t be there, I am starting to feel upset about this. Again I will stress that I don’t believe there is anything going on, she does seem a lovely woman, he does tell me stories about her and she does sound like somebody I would get along with; he also says he tells her stories about me and she is always lovely and talks about when we will all meet up, but this never happens.

I feel excluded from this part of his life, I feel he doesn’t want me there, I feel he is ashamed of me (although in no other part of my life has he made me feel like he is ashamed of me). I feel he puts this lady on a pedestal and doesn’t talk about anybody as fondly as he does her. I asked him about 18 months ago (after he’d booked an afternoon off work to spend time with her without me) why I am never there when he meets her and we even had a row about it, he said “I am allowed to see my friends without you there”, this really crushed me as I have always made him feel included in my life and with the people I know. I am proud of him and want people to meet him, I feel torn up that the person he seems to feel the most for (of his friends) hasn’t met me yet on a social basis, I honestly feel like he’s embarrassed of me. Even on our honeymoon we had a bit of a row as he wanted to buy a few gifts for her, I didn’t actually mind the gift buying but he did want to spend more money on a couple of gifts for her than we had on others and this was coming out of our joint pot, I just feel they have this special closeness that I am not allowed to be part of.

I will illiterate that I honestly do not think there is anything going on, but would you be hurt? I asked him to look at it from my point of view, but he come up with a stupid example that I have seen people without him, which that may be (although as far as I am aware I have never excluded him from any part of my life) but he knows these people well, it’s not like I have a friend that he hasn’t met and that I continue to meet even though I know he would like to meet them. I have no problem with him seeing anybody without me. He has said that the times they have met up it’s just been convenience rather than deliberately meeting without me.

Tell him if he wishes to continue to see his OW then your marriage must end. Why should you put up with this nonsense. And she is his OW whether or not the relationship is sexual or not.

OP, if you don't see their communications then how would you know if it's innocent or not?
You are unsettled by his reluctance to include you in their friendship, you NEED to know the depth of their 'relationship'.

Thank you, I am sorry you've had a bad experience and you're right.

I am not the sort of person that keeps it in me when I Have a problem, I have spelt this issue out many times before, but he has continued to meet without giving us a proper introduction even though he knows I feel upset about it. It shows little care on his part and I am inclined to agree that there is something wrong. I felt excluded, but looking at it properly that's the least of my problems. Whether there is something going on or not the fact that he will continue to do something even though he knows it's tearing me up means he doesn't really care at all.

The issue is he's deliberately excluding you. It shouldn't matter that he has a friend who is female. I have male friends who I meet up without my DH (similarly he ha female friends), it's not an issue, he knows them and if he was free he would come too. Your DH absolutely does not want you to meet her, and that is a problem. And yes you have to ask why. What is so different about her that he doesn't want you to meet her.

The issue is he's deliberately excluding you.
^^ this.

And he knows it upsets you but still he keeps to the "it's none of your concern line", whereas once would expect more of a "I'm sorry your upset, there is really nothing to be upset about, lets all go to dinner next week so you can get to know each other" response if A) there was nothing going on and B) he was concerned about your upset.

Would you really be ok with this friendship if you were included? I don't think I'd want to be friends with someone who's behaved as she has. She's already disrespected you and your marriage. Many people think they can manage these things by being included but unfortunately I don't think that works.

In your shoes I would have a plan. I would independently verify the sort of relationship they have and how often they are in contact. I'd do this by looking at emails and phone records. You have a right to know what's going on in your own marriage and I would want to verify whether they have secretly met up on other occasions.

Depending on what you find / How you feel I would state I'm not willing to continue in a marriage where I'm being disrespected. I would then take appropriate action whether it was going to stay with relatives , moving into the spare room / getting legal advice . I'd fully expect him to call your bluff and say he's not being told who he can be friends with.

At the moment there's really no reason for him to stop seeing her. There's no consequences apart from you occasionally voicing your discomfort . In some ways you have enabled this friendship. He has been able to disrespect you but then still enjoy all the benefits of being married . The situation will continue until this changes.

I guess only your DH knows the truth of what is going on here so whatever we suggest is pure speculation. Three things I can suggest are 1) they have history together or she knows things about him that he would rather you didn't know 2) he feels that you don't trust him and this is making him defensive and bloody minded or 3) this is a special relationship and he does not want to include you in it. He may feel that if you and her become friends then it would somehow alter their relationship and he doesn't want that.
Perhaps suggest a weekend away, somewhere fairly close to where she lives and suggest the idea of meeting up for a quick coffee or lunch all together.
Perhaps the other woman has issues and doesn't want to meet you for some reason. I hope you find some way forward soon before this issue starts to do real damage to your relationship.

All about how he reacts when you tell him that him being secretive about her and not allowing you to go with him to see her. A loving, faithful husband will want to reassure you..

I have a long term male friend (30+ years). The relationship is purely platonic and always has been - we have been friends through several relationships and through relationship break downs. We do very occasionally meet up alone but this is very rare. I have been divorced for several years and he has been married for the last 10 years - out of respect for his relationship, neither of us would dream of excluding his wife from any meeting. I value him as a friend and therefore when he first met his wife, went out of my way to ensure that she did not view me as a threat in any way - over the years she too has become a valued friend.

At best, I think she is being extremely disrespectful to you and your marriage and for whatever reason, he is allowing this to happen.

He bought her gifts on your honeymoon?

Who else did he buy gifts for?

Something definitely sounds amiss here - you say a few times in your opening post that you are "sure its innocent", the true issue is I really don't think you are sure at all.

What is her marital situation? What is your relationship like with DH's other friends and families? Does he keep you 'separate' from them too?

I have a close male friend and apart from an occasional Birthday party have always seen each other on a one to one basis. It would change the dynamics of our evenings if someone else was with us so if I started seeing someone I think we would both rather keep the friendship as it is rather than have a boyfriend with us even though our friendship is entirely innocent.

Having said that I would want a boyfriend to meet my friend properly and I would have no objection to him coming along sometimes. I would also want to reassure the boyfriend that there was no reason whatsoever to be concerned.

What I am saying is that I don't think that they enjoy time together as just the two of them is a problem in itself. More that you have never met her properly despite asking to, that they are deliberately excluding you every time they meet with him knowing it upsets you.

I would also be a bit concerned that she cried off from the party when you were supposed to meet her. It is extremely unlikely that she was sick, so she clearly wants to avoid you for some reason. If the friendship is entirely innocent then I would have thought that she would have wanted to meet her good friend's wife.

Perhaps mention a male friend of yours and ask your husband how he would feel if he had never met your friend. How he would feel if you saw your friend and deliberately excluded him.

I wouldn't want to just be sure it was innocent, I would want to know.

I'd want to either speak to him about it or meet her and speak to her. I wouldn't put it off either.

Is it possible that she could have feelings for your husband and he enjoys her company just as friends. Maybe he would like you to meet, but this friend doesn't want to meet you as she is jealous of you.

He should, at the very least, want to reassure you and explain exactly why you are being excluded.

Maybe suggest a meal out for the three of you somewhere inbetween where you live. If it is arranged a decent amount of time in advance there really should be no legitimate reason it cannot happen. If they are not prepared to do this then I think you would have reason to be concerned. Sorry.

Everyone has said what I think- fine to have male/female friends, not fine to exclude your partner- my husband would be more than happy if I wanted to go out with any of his female friends, except I don't as their friendships are their thing and it's not an interesting evening/dinner for me!

Usually, over time, you do end up meeting your partner's friends, it is odd to have never encountered each other- when they come round for dinner, you meet up somewhere and bump into them, have kids and do more family things. It must be deliberate and I don't know why you are so convinced it is innocent- it could be, or it could not.

OP, your husband is certainly disrespecting you and your marriage. The friend isn't; she's met you (at your wedding, you thought she was nice). She might have suggested meeting you and your husband vetoed it? In any event - he's blocking this, she isn't.

Your first and only port of call, should be your husband. If I were in her position I'd feel concerned that my friend's wife would be demanding (and that's what it sounds like) a meeting without my friend being present. I would decline and not because there would be something going on.

Sort out your marriage and your husband, he's the one being inappropriate - and he is. Presents on honeymoon...

Well today just got weirder, I broke into his facebook. A few messages I wasn't completely comfortable about (and to be honest the original lady wasn't involved in any of them), but the best was his synced photos, lost of cock cum pics! I am absolutely fucked, I cannot think straight, I can't actually believe what I have seen, my life has been a complete lie.

What?

What are synced photos?

What are you going to do?

Remember it is all about his actions, not hers.

holy cow - do you mean gay porn stuff? By synched photos do you mean photos from his phone that have been saved to the ipad?
Do you think this "other woman" is a man?

hug for you cheerybear

No the onther woman is just a woman, judging by her messages she is just sweet, nothing going on there.

My husband and another man have been wanking off and sending each other pics, I have a feeling there is a lot more to it, but really doesn't matter how much extra as the damage is done.

My lovely sweet bloke has been lying to me, just not as I thought he had. I dug through his facebook and there is an album that is phone has automatically synced his pics to and they were there.

I am drawing comfort lines on my hands and trying really hard to cut myself, I am devastated, he was my world. I don't know what to do. My entire life people have let me down, I adored him, I don't know what to do.

All he's worrying about is if I publicly humiliate him. I really need to rewind time and make this not real as I don't know what to do

So sorry he has been deceiving you like this - he's not actually such a lovely sweet bloke after all.

have you got someone in RL you can call & get to come around or go to theirs for the night? Please seek out some company, esp if you feel you might self harm.

If I were you I'd be speaking to your DH about separation.

Oh my good god OP what a terrible terrible shock for you.

I honestly didn't see that coming! You poor woman I don't know what to say!

This is dreadful - poor you. Have you told him what you've found yet? How did he react? Really hope you've got some RL friends/family you can be with - please don't injure yourself.