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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband and his female friend

76 replies

cheerybear · 28/10/2014 10:13

N/C foe this, please help me get this straight in my head?

My husband and I have been together four years we get on well and have had the odd ups and downs but nothing too major.

He has a friend, a friend who is female and is a few years older than him, however he has had partners a few years younger than her, but I do trust him so I actually don’t think there is anything sexual going on. They were very good friends a few years ago and she lives about 100 miles away so he doesn’t see her very often.

I haven’t met this lady other than once in passing. He doesn’t see her often but when he does it’s always conveniently when I can’t be there, I am starting to feel upset about this. Again I will stress that I don’t believe there is anything going on, she does seem a lovely woman, he does tell me stories about her and she does sound like somebody I would get along with; he also says he tells her stories about me and she is always lovely and talks about when we will all meet up, but this never happens.

I feel excluded from this part of his life, I feel he doesn’t want me there, I feel he is ashamed of me (although in no other part of my life has he made me feel like he is ashamed of me). I feel he puts this lady on a pedestal and doesn’t talk about anybody as fondly as he does her. I asked him about 18 months ago (after he’d booked an afternoon off work to spend time with her without me) why I am never there when he meets her and we even had a row about it, he said “I am allowed to see my friends without you there”, this really crushed me as I have always made him feel included in my life and with the people I know. I am proud of him and want people to meet him, I feel torn up that the person he seems to feel the most for (of his friends) hasn’t met me yet on a social basis, I honestly feel like he’s embarrassed of me. Even on our honeymoon we had a bit of a row as he wanted to buy a few gifts for her, I didn’t actually mind the gift buying but he did want to spend more money on a couple of gifts for her than we had on others and this was coming out of our joint pot, I just feel they have this special closeness that I am not allowed to be part of.

I will illiterate that I honestly do not think there is anything going on, but would you be hurt? I asked him to look at it from my point of view, but he come up with a stupid example that I have seen people without him, which that may be (although as far as I am aware I have never excluded him from any part of my life) but he knows these people well, it’s not like I have a friend that he hasn’t met and that I continue to meet even though I know he would like to meet them. I have no problem with him seeing anybody without me. He has said that the times they have met up it’s just been convenience rather than deliberately meeting without me.

OP posts:

sykadelic · 28/10/2014 17:20

I'm still confused about the auto sync. I get the feeling it's a private album that only he and this guy can see? Or is it just him?

Check the privacy settings on the album to see who can see it (carefully so you don't change anything!). That should tell you who else is involved. If there's no other names, then it's likely he's just randomly sharing them with people.

Patilla · 28/10/2014 17:23

OP take a step back. Hurting yourself will not make this situation better even if it's all you can feel inside of you.
Please please find someone in real life to talk to.
I'm not an expert on this, but I and the others on this thread are here. Use your hands to type it all out even if you then delete it, rather than hurting yourself with them.
What other people do to you does not define you, or make you deserving of being hurt.
We are here if we can help.

Original poster

cheerybear · 28/10/2014 17:30

I've walked out of work and not sure what to do, I'm trying to drink as my alcohol as I can. He was honestly my life, I worshipped him.

I thought perhaps it was me being ott? Wonder if deep down I knew something.

I met him for about ten minutes, I'd printed off the pictures, he said it was a man he's known for years, who knows I could desperately tell he was trying to think of a way out of it. I have nobody I can turn to that doesn't know him, at the minute I just don't want to be. I am so glad I started this post because I have somebody talk to

OP posts:

Patilla · 28/10/2014 17:34

You don't have to do anything right now. You don't have to make big plans about your future. Just deal with looking after yourself right now, this moment, the next ten minutes, next five if that's all you can manage.
It's getting dark, and raining here. What's it like with you? Are you warm and dry? Do you have funds for a B and B tonight if you don't want to be at home?

BitOutOfPractice · 28/10/2014 17:36

Try to switch to tea or coffee if you can OP. I know booze gives youa temporary release but that's all it is. Temporary.

Please please try and tell someone in RL. I know it's hard. But you have nothing to be ashamed of and you need support and love around you right now

Original poster

cheerybear · 28/10/2014 17:38

Yes I do thank you. He's messaged me to say he's leaving tonight. I can't drive home now anyway. He's left me with debt too, don't they all, how could I be so stupid

OP posts:

Original poster

cheerybear · 28/10/2014 17:39

I'm ashamed because I was so in love with him

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 28/10/2014 17:42

OP you have to tell someone in RL. He has deceived you and you don't owe him anything. Is there a friend whose house you can go to and be safe and confide in?

Theorientcalf · 28/10/2014 17:45

He did this OP, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm so sorry this has happened. Please talk to someone.

Patilla · 28/10/2014 17:54

You have been a decent normal person and trusted another human being. All of us on this thread will have someone else we trust.

That's normal. Nothing to be ashamed of.

You were unlucky that he turned out to be undeserving of your trust.

His fault, his error and his shame.

Not yours. Hold your hear high that you have conducted yourself properly and been let down.

I'll say it again - his actions do not define you. His shame is not your shame. His failure is not your failure.

And you are not alone in this, you have a hoard of mumsnettets holding your hand, with listening ears and no judgment, cheering you on and encouraging you.

Don't let this define you, don't take on blame that does not belong to you. You are bigger than this, stronger than this.

There will be a brighter day to look forward to, look there if you can, rather than at the stuff surrounding you right now.

fromparistoberlin73 · 28/10/2014 17:59

I would spy on him, seriously! next time they have a meet up- follow and see. you need to know either way as this is well dodgy OP

sorry - maybe not what you wanted to hear

fromparistoberlin73 · 28/10/2014 18:00

oh sweetheart just saw the updates...HUGS....so sorry-

Allhallowspeeve · 28/10/2014 18:03

Bloody hell op didn't want to read and run [hugs]

This is not your fault . This is all him.

Bakeoffcakes · 28/10/2014 18:10

You poor love.

If I were you I would go to a friend or a family member tonight. You need to be with someone in RL and to tell them what is going on. Are you sure there is no one to go to?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/10/2014 18:14

You've done nothing to be ashamed of, OP, nothing at all. It's him that should feel shame.

First priority is you, get yourself home or to a friend's or someplace that you can be safe.

Tomorrow start assessing, find a solicitor and get some advice. He should not be leaving you with debt. Find out as much as you can about the financial situation of you both and take that information with you to the solicitor.

I'm so sorry for the outcome, I think he's been lying to you for a very long time. I wonder what his female friend would know of it? It's small consolation to you that she was never the problem, he was.

It feels so raw right now, I can tell, but you won't always feel like this. You've been betrayed but better now than 20 years and children down the line and you WILL be happy again.

For you, OP and keep posting for support.

googoodolly · 28/10/2014 18:16

Oh, OP. This is awful. I don't have much advice but please don't turn to alcohol or self-harm. Any relief you feel will be temporary and you will feel ten times worse in the morning. Get yourself home - if you can't drive, take a taxi, and look after yourself. Take time off work if you need it as well.

What your husband has done is disgusting and none of it is your fault, I promise. He's a scumbag and there's nothing you could have done differently to change this.

You'll need to start taking practical steps to separate - get copies of all your important documents and keep them safe, and when your head is a bit clearer, make an appointment with a solicitor. Keep copies of everything as proof of infidelity to make things easier in a divorce. All the debt is marital and your home is the marital home - one of you will need to find somewhere else to live, whether you would rather leave and start afresh is upto you, but you will be entitled to part of the equity if the house is sold.

for you.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/10/2014 21:13

Are you OK OP? You can tak to MN xx

MrWallet · 28/10/2014 22:00

So it seems he may have been using OW as a cover? So sad for you Cheery bear. Ring the Samaritans if you cannot speak to anyone else, but surely someone in your family could help you through this. What a wanker he has turned out to be. :(

Suckitup · 28/10/2014 22:13

Yes obviously he wasn't meeting that woman after all. That is why he was so adamant about you not being there.

That is an awful discovery for you.

Original poster

cheerybear · 29/10/2014 00:12

Thank you, just got home not feeling the best but had a shower as I've never felt so dirty and going to see how I feel in the morning. If feels like a very bad dream.

OP posts:

53Dragon · 29/10/2014 00:29

Cheerybear you've done nothing to deserve this - he's let you down.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/10/2014 06:15

What a very strange turn of events. I'm sorry you've had such a nasty shock but there was obviously something very wrong for you to have been suspicious in the first place. I also wonder if he was using his visits to his female friend as a cover. Would make sense.

Please don't blame yourself. I know it's easier to say than to do and I realise that you're heartbroken and you've been very unlucky in love but that's all it is really.... bad luck. You can only ever take someone on face value and if they turn out to have been lying, it's not your fault. You're not the dirty one, put it that way. There is no shame attached to loving someone in good faith.

Please talk to people. If you have any kind of MH issues in your background and don't have friends and family handy, please talk to your GP, Samaritans, and others who can offer specific support.

If he is trying to leave you with debts then act quickly. Any debts that are in his individual name are his alone and not your responsibility. He is still obliged to meet joint debts with you.... he can't just walk away. If you have any joint accounts talk to your bank so that they can't be emptied by one person. People who lie and run up debts cannot be trusted.

Again.... sorry for the way things have turned out. Please keep posting for support.

Original poster

cheerybear · 29/10/2014 09:27

Thank you, I actually feel reallu ill today, I had to stop my car on the way to work to be sick and I can't manage any food, I haven't had anything to eat in 36, I need to eat as I think it's that making me ill. I tried a bit of a banana and I just gag.

I still can't believe he's done this, I am completely winded. He said they haven't been meeting up or had sex, but I doubt he's telling me the truth. He said they just sent wank pics and videos to each other for a thrill. Trouble is I am not a prude if he felt like our sex like was lacking he could have brought it up, we actually have regular sex, it has been going on before our wedding too, my whole marriage is a lie. He's the only person I have ever loved, I have never trusted or looked up to anybody like I did him, I am so lost. He wants to try again, but I don't see how there is any moving forward from this, it's ruined.

I am not really in debt, but I have paid thousands of pounds of his debt off, so I will be very out of pocket.

OP posts:

inlectorecumbit · 29/10/2014 10:18

It has been going on for so long now l honestly can't see a way back from this. Your trust has been totally shattered and almost nigh on impossible to get it back again.
He is not the man you thought he was. He is trying damage limitation to protect himself from exposure--you owe him nothing
I am so sorry-if you cant face eating please drink some sweet tea and please take a day or 2 off work to process your thoughts.
Is there anyone in RL you can talk too?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/10/2014 10:31

It's not just the wank pics though, is it? Your story started with him carrying what felt to you like an inappropriate friendship. He dismissed your concern there and carried on regardless. Now you find him sending sexual images to another man and again he's playing it down. If this is what you find when you scratch the surface you must be wondering what's next. I'm so sorry.

You need someone to look after you. Feeling sick and not eating are normal reactions to shock. Do you have a friend you can confide in?

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