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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would happen if I wanted to separate but DH refused?

101 replies

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 16:51

I'm going round and round in circles. Most of the time I think I'd like to separate from DH and when I've broached the subject he point blank refuses to consider moving out as "he'd miss out on the children" as he claims.

We rent, have 2 DC (2 and 9 months), he works full time, I work part-time at the weekends and look after the children Monday to Friday.

In the past, when DC2 was only a few weeks old, I also asked him to move out and he said that if I'm the one who wants to end the marriage, then I'd have to move out leaving the kids with him.

Is that really what would have to happen? We live in an extremely middle class commuter town with pretty much no other rentals so I'd have to move further away leaving behind what little support I have here. My family is all abroad.

OP posts:

26Point2Miles · 26/10/2014 16:55

Well yes. What's he done wrong?

Original poster

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 16:57

Surely it shouldn't be about who did what wrong but what's best for the children?

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 26/10/2014 17:03

I suppose it depends if he can afford to rent on his own?

Quitelikely · 26/10/2014 17:04

But of course you can split up. It's just that some hard decisions are needed to be made and living arrangements are one of them

FluffyMcnuffy · 26/10/2014 17:07

I can see where he's coming from regarding not wanting to leave his children. I think if you want to separate it should be you that moves out (assuming he's bot abusive).

Original poster

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 17:07

Not living with my children at this point is not an option for me. They're so tiny, one still breastfeeding a lot. I guess I'll just have to live with this.

OP posts:

socially · 26/10/2014 17:09

Of course you don't have to live like that!

Move out and take the kids with you. That's what I did, and my youngest was bf at the time too.

Find somewhere to rent, wait til he's at work then move out. Then if he wants it you can sort 50:50 access out with a solicitor.

He's blackmailing you into staying at the moment,

Kundry · 26/10/2014 17:11

YOu would see a solicitor and instigate a divorce. As part of the divorce you and he, or a judge if you can't agree, would decide whether either of you stayed in the family property or you both got new homes, who had residency of the children, largely based on who is their primary carer now, how much child maintenance was paid and by whom etc.

It isn't as simple as one party says they don't want to so you have to stay married, or that the person starting the split has to move out and loses child residency. Or that the highest earner keeps the house etc.

He is successfully blocking you at the moment due to your lack of information and fears about losing contact with the children. Given that you currently look after them Monday to Friday you are clearly the main carer. In the future you might want to look at your job so that you also have time with them at weekends, especially once they have started school.

Get yourself to a solicitor so you know the truth about what will happen. From experience reading this board, they never advise you leaving the family property before the divorce settlement.

Original poster

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 17:12

What do I do then? Just detach as much as possible and sort of live separately in the same flat? It would be easier if we had more space and could avoid each other better. But as it is he's sleeping in the room with DC1 and I share with DC2 and we just talk as little as possible. It gives me palpitations having him physically close.

OP posts:

FluffyMcnuffy · 26/10/2014 17:14

I do feel a bit sad for this man that you're going to move out and take his children. Why do you want to split? Is he abusive or have you just fallen out of love? Obviously you'd need to take the breastfeeding baby.

MrsTerrorPratchett · 26/10/2014 17:16

Go and see a solicitor. Knowledge is power and currently you are just going with what your H and MN are saying. CAB, free half hour with a lawyer, online legal services. Find out what is possible.

wickedlazy · 26/10/2014 17:16

Agreed unless he has done something that deserves having the locks changed while he's at work and his stuff left in the front garden, he really shouldn't have to leave. If you are not happy with him, can't work things out, you should consider getting legally seperated and a place of your own. My mother cheated on my father, but made him move out to move her new man in. Even now, 12 years later, thinking about it makes me feel very at the unfairness of it.

Original poster

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 17:16

I don't think I'd find another landlord to let me a flat? I'm on maternity leave and when not I work a minimum wage job at the weekend. Like I said, no family that could be a guarantor for me. I really need to stay put.

OP posts:

Kundry · 26/10/2014 17:17

Monday morning book to see a solicitor, preferably one with a free half hour. Every case is different, advice to stay is usually based on the property being an asset of the marriage. If you are renting, then you might as well pack your bags (and the children's bags) and go. Look into what benefits you would be entitled to if you split.

Take it from there. Why on earth he would want to stay married when you are avoiding each other as possible is a mystery.

wickedlazy · 26/10/2014 17:19

If you did find a flat to let, would your dh be guarantor for you? Seeing as you're being reasonable and fair and leaving him the house?

FluffyMcnuffy · 26/10/2014 17:23

I really need to stay put.

Can you not see that that's unfair on your husband when he's done nothing wrong?

If you work a minimum wage job at weekends how do you intend to support yourself when you've split? (Not suggesting you should stay btw).

Original poster

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 17:23

What has he done wrong? I don't know. I guess we were never right for each other and I did the wrong thing by getting married ad having children with him. I'm not in love with him, we constantly clash, he makes me feel ill. But yes, I have chosen to be in this relationship so I guess I'll stick with it. I don't want to split my children up. How do you explain to a 2 year old that has been with mum all her life, why her little brother gets to stay with mum but she stays with dad or rather needs to go into childcare as DH works long hours and we have no family help. I always thought siblings don't get split up.

I don't see why things can't stay as they are, us parenting pretty much separatly, me Monday to Friday when he's at work and him Saturday and Sunday when I'm at work, only from different locations. I thought that would be pretty fair. As it is we all suffer.

OP posts:

FluffyMcnuffy · 26/10/2014 17:26

I'm sorry to be blunt OP but you married someone you knew you didn't love (who I assume loves you?), which was pretty bloody selfish, and now you've realised that actually you've had enough and want more for yourself?

wickedlazy · 26/10/2014 17:29

He will miss out on the children equally if you move out though. If you are only together for the sake of the kids, you might as well leave. You havn't mentioned that you still feel any love for him, or him for you? You need to discuss this with him, see if he would be willing to move out so the kids can stay in their home? And tell him straight you have been researching moving out/living without him.

Vivacia · 26/10/2014 17:29

If you now feel you made a mistake, there's no reason why you have to punish yourself for the next 18 years by staying with him.

Original poster

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 17:29

We don't own our home, we rent. So I wouldn't be depriving him of any assets. No, he couldn't be my guarantor. He doesn't earn enough at this point.

How would I support myself? Well, I guess I'd be relying on top up benefits for the next few years until I can be independent. The family plan was for me to start a nursing degree once DC2 is in nursery. Until then I'd just keep working in my job.

Like I said, I have no family here. If They were here, I'd move in with my dad. He'd still happily have us but obviously I can't take the children abroad and wouldn't want to. DH is a good dad most of the time. It's just that we're making each other miserable and DC1 is now old enough where she notices. The other week when he was ranting at me, she started crying and shouting "No, no" covering her ears. It's no way for children to live.

OP posts:

wickedlazy · 26/10/2014 17:31

^or punish your husband...

FluffyMcnuffy · 26/10/2014 17:32

If you now feel you made a mistake, there's no reason why you have to punish yourself for the next 18 years by staying with him.

I agree with this but I think it is wrong for you to take his children away when he clearly doesn't want this. You need to ask him if he's prepared to be the primary carer, cut working hours accordingly etc.

wickedlazy · 26/10/2014 17:35

I imagine if you do move out/split up, he would have custody of the kids at the weekend so you could work/ he gets to see them. And he would have to pay you maintenance. Are there any organisations like simon community near you who could help be you guarantor?

Original poster

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 17:35

Yes, my gut was telling me before the wedding not to do it, even on my wedding day it felt wrong but I thought what feelings I had were enough and that I didn't want to end up alone forever like my mum. So yes, that was selfish I suppose. We already weren't physically intimate anymore back then. Literally only had sex to have children. And now, the idea of living like this for the rest of my life is killing me. It makes me ill thinking I'd have to be intimate with him again or even share a bed. I'd feel violated. So yes, this is all my fault and now this might cost me my children.

OP posts:

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