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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would happen if I wanted to separate but DH refused?

101 replies

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 16:51

I'm going round and round in circles. Most of the time I think I'd like to separate from DH and when I've broached the subject he point blank refuses to consider moving out as "he'd miss out on the children" as he claims.

We rent, have 2 DC (2 and 9 months), he works full time, I work part-time at the weekends and look after the children Monday to Friday.

In the past, when DC2 was only a few weeks old, I also asked him to move out and he said that if I'm the one who wants to end the marriage, then I'd have to move out leaving the kids with him.

Is that really what would have to happen? We live in an extremely middle class commuter town with pretty much no other rentals so I'd have to move further away leaving behind what little support I have here. My family is all abroad.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 26/10/2014 17:36

Can your husband afford to rent elsewhere?

socially · 26/10/2014 17:37

Fluffy what is wrong in realising you want more for yourself and deciding you've had enough?

It is entirely the op's prerogative to do that. She's the main carer. She can take the kids.

That's life.

OP, can you get on the council list? Or up your hours so you can afford to rent somewhere?

You need to get finances sorted, then you can go.

Do NOT martyr yourself to this man.

FYCandTheGhostsOfNagsPast · 26/10/2014 17:37

This does sound like a terrible relationship for the dcs to see modelled. No one has to have done anything "wrong" for a marriage to stop working. If you don't love him then that sounds pretty definite. For you this is over.

So on to practicalities:-

Speak to a family solicitor, start the ball rolling with divorce, and find out where you stand.

It doesn't matter who ended the relationship. It doesn't matter about what is best for you, or what is best for your H. Only the dcs' needs matter now.

As primary carer it would be best if you stayed in the flat for their stability. It sounds as though H won't agree to this, so start looking for somewhere for you and the dcs to live.

You can agree to 50/50 care if that is best for the dcs. All assets will need dividing, a solicitor will help with this.

Your H does not get to decide that you stay his wife because it suits him. This is your life. There doesn't have to be abuse or an affair to justify a split.

As the dcs get older they will be damaged by thinking that this relationship is normal. Hopefully you can work something out amicably.

But no matter what, you are not trapped and you do not have to stay in a loveless marriage.

WillkommenBienvenue · 26/10/2014 17:42

MrsHR. You don't have to go anywhere. You are not taking children away from him. You are their main carer, you gave birth to them (sorry guys, it does make a difference) and one is still attached to your breast so to speak.

What do you mean by him ranting at you so the children cover their ears?

basgetti · 26/10/2014 17:43

Marriages fail. You aren't obliged to stay living in misery as penance for making a mistake, and nor are children's living arrangements decided in order to punish the party who wants to leave. You are the main carer and the children are very young so it is in their interests that they maintain stability where possible, which would be living with you and regular contact with their father, possibly whilst you work. If he won't agree to separate then you need to take steps to move out.

Kundry · 26/10/2014 17:44

'A good dad most of the time' - really a good dad or a Disney dad? You haven't said much about him but often on here, when dads say they want the children, they really just want to stop the mums from leaving or to wind the mums up. It's disappointingly few who really want to carry on doing the hardcore parenting.

Original poster
MrsHR · 26/10/2014 17:46

He can't adjust his hours at work. It's the nature of his job. He also works more when he gets home. He'd have to get a nanny I assume, which he couldn't afford.

I honestly don't see what he gets out of living like this. Surely he'd be happier trying to find a partner that suits him more. I also don't see how him having the kids at the weekend is massively different to what we do now.

I can't up my hours at work. I'd need to find somewhere else. And then find childcare. I still wouldn't afford rent by myself though. It would always be topped up by benefits for now and with the ages of my children, I wouldn't even be required to work at all to qualify if I didn't want to. Makes no difference financially. The difference it would make though if I stick to weekend work is that I can continue my studies and in a few years be self reliant. If I go full-time in my current job or a similar one that will never happen. I think I need to find a route that helps us long term.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsHR · 26/10/2014 17:47

God, if I just hadn't moved to this country for DH. If I had family here, it would all be no brainer.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 26/10/2014 17:47

Fluffy! FGS op wants to separate from her husband, it is not a crime and it is not wrong that she wants this. You are hectoring and bullying her at a vulnerable time, please stop it!

But, MrsHR, you have to go and see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings if he won't agree to a separation. Have you taken that on board yet?

LaurieFairyCake · 26/10/2014 17:48

He's not a good dad if he's ranting at you in front of them and causing your child to cry out 'No,no' Hmm

Get a free half hour at a solicitor and ask about a possession order

  • not sure if it's called that, but you want to stay and you're the main carer so he needs to move out - maybe occupation order?
FluffyMcnuffy · 26/10/2014 17:48

Fluffy what is wrong in realising you want more for yourself and deciding you've had enough?

Nothing if feelings change. But the OP went into the marriage knowing she didn't love her husband and IMO that is very selfish.

OP I'm sure if you ask your H like I suggested you will find he's not prepared to be the primary cater (reduce hours etc), but I do feel you should consult him and discuss what's best instead of dictating that you're leaving and taking the kids.

WillkommenBienvenue · 26/10/2014 17:49

You can arrange things so the children stay in the same house and you and him live in on a shift basis. Easier on costs and far better for the children, however it would only last for a while until one of you found someone else.

What makes you say you would feel violated if he got close to you?

FluffyMcnuffy · 26/10/2014 17:50

Fluffy! FGS op wants to separate from her husband, it is not a crime and it is not wrong that she wants this. You are hectoring and bullying her at a vulnerable time, please stop it!

I'm not bullying anyone, I'm offering advice.

socially · 26/10/2014 17:50

OP can you speak to your local housing offer and see if you can go on the council waiting list?

If you're studying too then I agree that it makes sense to look at the long term.

Vivacia · 26/10/2014 17:51

What happens next is not decided on the basis of who has done what to whom. In the UK it's on the basis of what's best for the children.

OP what country are you in?

socially · 26/10/2014 17:51

Fluffy the Op's feelings at the time of her marriage could not be more irrelevant.

Mintyy · 26/10/2014 17:53

"I'm sorry to be blunt OP but you married someone you knew you didn't love (who I assume loves you?), which was pretty bloody selfish, and now you've realised that actually you've had enough and want more for yourself?"

Yes, excellent helpful advice Fluffy Hmm

FluffyMcnuffy · 26/10/2014 17:54

Agree with Vivacia. 50/50 custody is usually a starting point unless one party objects/can't arrange feasible care for the children.

OP do you think your H would reduce his hours to take on more childcare?

Just to clarify I'm not saying you should stay with your H as I don't think that would be fair either, do you think you could work out an amicable split? You should speak to your local HA about getting on the list for a council house. Would your H help you out with rent one new place?

Original poster
MrsHR · 26/10/2014 17:54

He really is a good dad as in I'd trust him 100% with them. Of course, he's never been in charge of both children for any length of time due to the breastfeeding. The only thing that annoys me about his parenting is his tone quite often. It stresses me out. And certain stuff he says to DD. But I suppose that's just a difference in our parenting style.

OP posts:
FluffyMcnuffy · 26/10/2014 17:56

Minty I have posted more than once on this thread, I suggest you give it a read.

Whereas 90% of your posts have been to have a go at me....

Viviennemary · 26/10/2014 17:56

I think it must be quite hard for you to be looking after two very small children all week and then go to work at weekends. You need to work out whether or not you could afford to rent the place you are in or not on your own. Or if you want to move out and find somewhere else to live. Not sure if you can insist he leaves a rented property. It would probably be best to see a solicitor for advice.

Mintyy · 26/10/2014 17:57

I have read the whole thread Fluffy.

FluffyMcnuffy · 26/10/2014 17:58

Of course, he's never been in charge of both children for any length of time

I suspect OP that when he is left in charge of both the children that he will realise that being the primary carer is bloody hard work and have a bit of a rethink! Would you be able to leave him with both DC for a few hours so he can see what it entails.

FluffyMcnuffy · 26/10/2014 17:59

Minty I'm sure you will see I've offered plenty of advice then.

Are you actually going to offer some yourself or have you just come on here to pick a fight?

Kundry · 26/10/2014 18:03

Stuuf he says to DD - such as what? There's different parenting styles, and being verbally abusive.

Suspect if he had them 24/7 and not just for the fun bits, he wouldn't be as keen.