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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would happen if I wanted to separate but DH refused?

101 replies

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 16:51

I'm going round and round in circles. Most of the time I think I'd like to separate from DH and when I've broached the subject he point blank refuses to consider moving out as "he'd miss out on the children" as he claims.

We rent, have 2 DC (2 and 9 months), he works full time, I work part-time at the weekends and look after the children Monday to Friday.

In the past, when DC2 was only a few weeks old, I also asked him to move out and he said that if I'm the one who wants to end the marriage, then I'd have to move out leaving the kids with him.

Is that really what would have to happen? We live in an extremely middle class commuter town with pretty much no other rentals so I'd have to move further away leaving behind what little support I have here. My family is all abroad.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 18:03

He definitely could not reduce hours. If anything his work load is increasing and his job is most likely moving further away adding on commuting time.

Yes, I'm taking on board that I need to see a solicitor. I'm in the UK but not from here.

I feel violated if he gets too close, just because we don't have that sort of relationship where I'd want him close I suppose. I don't know really. It's hard to explain.

I don't know if he loves me. Most of the time I don't even think he likes me. He says I'm useless and pathetic etc. He snarls it in a really hateful way. he has a really short temper in general so of course it could be that he likes me and only says stuff like that when he loses it.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 18:05

He claims he can't afford to move out but I don't see how that's true. He's in a professional job that has required him to have 3 excellent degrees to get into. Surely he should be able to house and feed himself?

OP posts:

youmakemydreams · 26/10/2014 18:05

Thank goodness for some sensible voices. I was reading this thread with growing horror at the voices saying he's done nothing wrong you're not being fair. How many women on here tell of sad relationships but that the woman feels she can't leave because what her dh has done is not bad enough.
How often are these women told that you don't need a reason to leave a relationship. The fact that you no longer want to be in it is enough of a reason.

I actually suspect that if we scratch the surface a little deeper we will find that the show isn't a poor soul with an unloving wife. The op has said he rants until the children cover their ears and shout no. The op sounds defeated and deflated. I for one would be interested in hearing more about the dynamics of her relationship.
I left a my exh just because I didn't love him anymore. He didn't tell me fine you leave I'll keep the kids and the house he left and went to live with his mum. He didn't use the children as a tool to keep me there in fear of another miserable 18 years until they grew up and I could be free. Because he is a decent guy was hurt but knew he couldn't make me love him anymore.

WillkommenBienvenue · 26/10/2014 18:06

Givevus some examples of when he has lost it, what starts him off and how does he behave? Does he call you names?

Viviennemary · 26/10/2014 18:08

I think you do need to work out the practicalities of separating which is never easy with such young children. Perhaps he is worried about financially maintaining two households which I think is a valid point. And would you keep on your part-time weekend job. There is all this to think about.

WillkommenBienvenue · 26/10/2014 18:12

OP did he tel you that if you separated the children would have to be split up?

26Point2Miles · 26/10/2014 18:18

Well if you aren't from the uk what would that mean if you did seperate? Do you need a visa?

26Point2Miles · 26/10/2014 18:19

No willko someone upthread hinted at it.... Wrongly

Original poster

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 18:20

An example of what I don't like about his parenting is when DD refuses to brush her teeth, he tells her that if she doesn't do it snails will grow out of her mouth (she doesn't like snails). I've told him repeatedly that this is a stupid thing to say to her. Firstly, it's not true ad secondly, I don't want her to get a phobia of things growing out of her mouth. She let's you brush her teeth just fine if you explain that they will get black holes otherwise. I've explained this so often but he still does it.

He also quite often says stuff to her about me in a manipulating (I find) way. Like "Mama doesn't do this or that because she's lazy." "Mama doesn't like Dada" and loads more. I've told him to stop it as no matter what goes on between us, we shouldn't use the children. I'd never say anything bad about him to her. Why would I? She's 2 years old...

OP posts:

socially · 26/10/2014 18:21

OP are you an EU citizen?

Original poster

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 18:23

No, he didn't say anything about splitting up the children. It was a poster on here suggesting it.

No, I wouldn't need a visa. I'm Western European. I've got all the rights here a UK citizen has. I was just mentioning it as having no family at all here makes me feel very vulnerable. I also don't think I'd have any friends here close enough to confide in. I am literally alone.

OP posts:

WillkommenBienvenue · 26/10/2014 18:27

He sounds a bit nasty.

socially · 26/10/2014 18:30

Ok well at least you'll be able to stay in the uk once you're separated.

It's hard, believe me I've been in the same position as you and I'm also not from the uk and don't have family here.

Luckily I was able to afford to rent alone but it's doable. Get some advice, sort yourself somewhere to live and then go.

Original poster

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 18:35

He "loses it" less often now because I have detached so much from the relationship that if these arguments arise, I don't say much back. The losing it would happen if I argued back. Which I am guilty off too. I don't deny that.

He is generally annoyed with my lazyness, that I don't do enough house work. Which is true. The flat is always a tip. Not dirty, just toys lying about everywhere. I don;t have an excuse other than that I'm busy all day with the children, DD doesn't nap anymore so there is literally no quiet time anymore and if both DC are playing peacefully together for a moment, I actually need to sit down and have a tea instead of rushing around cleaning. I'm tired. I've not slept through a night in 3 years so I don't have much energy. In the evenings, when the kids are asleep, I study.

So that's always the reason for arguments. Me being useless and not doing enough. Like the incident when DD was covering her ears. I was sitting on the sofa doing nothing and DH asked me empty the dishwasher. I said I'd do it later as I'm really not bothered whether it's done at 5 or 7pm as long as it's done iyswim. So he told me how I was lazy and he went and did it instead. Of course I felt bad as I din't want him to do it, I just didn't want to do it right now that second when he told me to. I feel that as an equal adult I should be able to decide when I do what. I don't remember what was said exactly but it basically ended with him shouting at me how I was lazy, useless etc and that maybe he should write me a little book about how to do house work that I can high light in like I do it with my little uni books, Maybe that would help me.

His ultimate put down is always how he has a Phd and works as an academic while I dropped out of uni and never finished my first degree when I moved here.

OP posts:

socially · 26/10/2014 18:38

OP it all sounds rubbish.

But you really don't need to justify why you want to leave. If you want out, then start your exit plan.

WillkommenBienvenue · 26/10/2014 18:42

Sounds like a fairly toxic relationship. He is trying to make you into something you are not, usually it's their mother, your education is important but he doesn't want you doing it. He feels entitled to talk down to you for some reason. I think you are doing the right thing. He is a waste of time, will never change. Needs a hired help, not a partner.

Original poster

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 18:42

That's the thing, I'm not 100% sure I want out. Or maybe I do but I feel like I have no right to. And maybe that this is what marriage is like and I'm expecting feelings that most people don't have either. Maybe I should be grateful for what I have.

DH said the other day that he's the best thing that ever happened to me and that no man would ever look at me again with my 2 children. I'm quite scared of being by myself for the rest of my life.

OP posts:

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 26/10/2014 18:43

OP - firstly, I'm sorry to hear that you're in this position. It sounds very stressful and increasingly toxic for your children. I think your DP is being emotionally abusive to you - he clearly has no idea what being a full time SAHM entails and then to throw his academic qualifications at you, when you're so clearly trying to better your position, and you moved to the UK FOR HIM, is really nasty. You'd have presumably finished your studies, had you stayed back home, no?

Definitely see a solicitor and get some advice. Just because your DP thinks you are trapped, doesn't mean you are. It takes maturity and great insight to have the courage to end a relationship that is not working, rather than stick it out and be miserable like so many people do. Once you're armed with the facts and not his lies/myths, you'll feel much empowered and can then make an escape plan. Good luck.

simontowers2 · 26/10/2014 18:43

Flabbergasted that two such utterly incompatible people could really think it was a good idea to bring two kids into the world. Ridiculous.

socially · 26/10/2014 18:45

simontowers wow what's it like to be perfect?

What an arse you sound. I'm actually laughing because your post is so stupid

Original poster

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 18:47

Yes, I feel like we are both trying to make each other into someone we are not. I often catch myself being unkind to him as well when I get annoyed about stuff that is simply him.

I sort of wish I'd had the advice of MN before I got married. I don't think I would have done it then. Or maybe I would have. I gave up so much when I moved here, by the time I had doubts I felt like I couldn't admit it to anyone so I just went through with it.

OP posts:

socially · 26/10/2014 18:47

Yes MrsHR it's all sounding every familiar!

You don't have to stick it out you know. You can give yourself permission to leave. It's ok

socially · 26/10/2014 18:48

very

Original poster

MrsHR · 26/10/2014 18:51

No, we shouldn't have had children together but I honestly that what we had was good enough.

I can't possibly say though that I regret my children, can I? They are perfect and much loved by both of us. Which is why I think that they'd be better of with us apart. Because we do co-operate well as parents. It's the relationship part that's wrong.

OP posts:

socially · 26/10/2014 18:53

Of course you don't regret your children! It's an entirely separate issue.

What you want does count you know. And if you want to leave you don't need to justify that.

Your children will be fine. In fact, they're more likely to be fine tatters separation than they are living in a house with parents who can't stand each other.

Do you think it will get better? If it stays like this can you cope with another 20 years?

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