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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I help him understand the role of a sahm?

88 replies

PearlsMom · 25/10/2014 22:53

I am currently a sahm on maternity leave and I have to go away for a couple of weeks for medical treatment and I will be leaving my dh to care for the dc (including baby). I originally thought my dm or Dsis could come and help him look after them but he is not keen and doesn't seem to understand why I'm worried that he won't cope.

He would have to look after the baby 6 months old full time, as well as the 3 year old (who is in nursery only part time). 6 year old is at school.

I am one of those sahm who tend to do most things (very bad habit to start). I do all the early mornings, which tend to start at 5am. And I do the morning routines, school run alone, he's never done it. He does pull his weight more with the cleaning, cooking and grocery shopping, but these tend to be done on his terms when he chooses to do so. For example cooking something will take his fancy, so he will go buy the ingredients and cook it and then refrigerate/freeze it for us to have later. I tend to do the regular cooking and ensure food is on the table at the usual meal times each day. Same as with cleaning, he will just decide the floors need mopping and do the whole house, whereas I just do the usual tidy up/ clean as we go on an everyday basis.

He is not one for routines and keeps quite anti social hours. Often going to bed at 3-4 in the morning, although he does look after the dc if they wake at night. (The reason he can keep these hours is because he is self employed and works from home or cafés/libraries when he needs to get away from the family noise). The other reason he keeps these hours is because he does have insomnia and finds it difficult to fall asleep, which is another reason why I do all the early mornings.

I need to insist on a trial run before I go, and he's agreed to it in theory but I honesty don't think he will get around to it. And I will just keep doing it up until the day I need to leave (I can't delay the treatment). I don't want to leave my children in the situation with an over tired, ill prepared parent, it seems like a terrible risk to take for their sakes, but how can I make him realise all that I do on a daily basis, including how difficult the early mornings can be.

Please don't be harsh with me, I know I have created this situation, but I need some help to make him understand.

OP posts:
Galvanized · 25/10/2014 22:56

What's the worse that will happen though? He'll be tired and will learn how hard you work. They might get less perfectly balanced meals a bit later than normal.

Let him learn things how you learnt them - by doing. Relinquish control.

lougle · 25/10/2014 22:58

He'll probably do it his way. It won't be the same as your way, but as long as it gets done, it's fine.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 25/10/2014 22:58

Sorry but if he is going to be the parent at home for those weeks then he will simply do things his way.

Its incredibly patronising of you to suggest a trial run or request one of your relatives comes and steps in.

He may do things differently to you, but it doesnt mean they are wrong.

FelicityGubbins · 25/10/2014 22:59

You need to step back a little bit and let him get on with it, different routine isn't wrong, just different! So long as the children are fed and reasonably clean then all will be well..

you could always do a repeat online shop so all the groceries/nappies/baby milk etc is delivered automatically so its one less worry for you both.

SelfLoathing · 25/10/2014 23:00

And then make him read it.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 25/10/2014 23:00

Just let him get on with it (assuming he is safe at least)

he is not a puppy to be trained

if he gets it wrong, he will have to sort it

just don't bail him out, or have one of your female relatives bail him out

carlsonrichards · 25/10/2014 23:02

You are a SAHM but you work, too? Since you are on maternity leave? How does that work?

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2014 23:04

I agree, he'll do it his way and he'll manage.

As long as he knows the times of who has to be where and when, just let him get on with looking after his kids.

It can be hard to let go if you've always done the majority of things, but I'm not sure why you think your mother or sister would be a better option, as the routine would be new to them too?

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 25/10/2014 23:05

Honestly, I can understand why you are worried, but he will just have to get on with it... they wont let him, let them starve. It wont matter if the kids are late to school/nursery a couple of times or if the house doesn't stay spotless.

Leave instructions for the washing machine if he doesn't normally do the laundry simply because you don't want stuff ruined.

You could leave a single A4 sheet of 'top tips' ie the times they normally eat, favourites, things they hate. What the eldest needs on different days for school, where any classes/clubs are, contact numbers for those things & nursery/school etc. 1x A4 only and bullet points.

It will be good for him to see how much you do. It will be a good experience for them all to bond in different ways and it will be good for them all to know that Daddy can cope.

Jolleigh · 25/10/2014 23:07

I'm with the people who say you need to step back and let it happen. Being the stay at home parent, you've learned the best way for you to do things, from scratch, by doing them. He'll do exactly the same.

And coming from an insomniac single mum with a 6 month old...He'll get by, regardless of how much sleep he's had, simply because he will have to. If he does something 'badly', he'll find a 'better' way the next day.

Allow yourself to relax about it...the worst that will happen is he gains a greater appreciation of what you do each day and your house gets messy.

Original poster
PearlsMom · 25/10/2014 23:07

Yes I know I need to relinquish control but that is easier said than done.

There is really nothing I can do beforehand though is there. Maybe I will force a trial run, just go away for a couple of days unannounced, take the baby so he will see how hard it is (without the baby added to the mix).

Yes I am a sahm at the moment as on maternity leave, I will go back to work when the baby is 12 months. I still do the mornings though even when I work as I start work after the school run.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 25/10/2014 23:11

Maybe I will force a trial run, just go away for a couple of days unannounced, take the baby so he will see how hard it is (without the baby added to the mix).

Why do you assume he'll find it hard though?

He might have a more simple way of doing things, or even if he sticks to your way, that doesn't mean he'll automatically find it hard.

Of course he might, but if he does then he will cope.

Forcing a trial run on an adult to look after his own kids, does come across as a tad patronising, although I'm sure you don't mean it to.

Original poster
PearlsMom · 25/10/2014 23:13

I honestly don't care about the house at all.

And I don't care if he feeds them takeaways, I am fairly relaxed about food as long as they get enough and aren't hungry.

But I do care about my children and if they are plonked in front of the tv or iPad by a grumpy father every morning, are late for school, go to bed late and are over tired for the next day etc. Also I care about they emotional states as they will be missing me and having their routines disrupted, so ideally I would like some continuity.

OP posts:
26Point2Miles · 25/10/2014 23:13

Gosh you sound hard work! He will cope and do it HIS way. Don't blame him for not wanting your mum to come and supervise him

Original poster
PearlsMom · 25/10/2014 23:15

But why has he never done the early mornings then? If it is so easy, why have I been lumped with them Confused

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 25/10/2014 23:15

if you disappear on a "trial run" how will you know if they are plonked in front of the telly, go to bed late etc

you are trying to control, the uncontrollable

your children's father is either just that, or he isn't

if he isn't...then what use is he ?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 25/10/2014 23:16

you have been lumped with the early mornings because you have allowed it to happen...plain and simple

Finola1step · 25/10/2014 23:18

Just let him get on with it. Leave notes if need be. A trial run may not achieve much apart from raise your anxiety levels further. Let him parent.

If you fell in the street and broke both your legs tomorrow morning, what would he do? Cope, struggle a bit, call relatives to help? All of the above.

You can't teach him to parent. Give him the space to get on with it.

Annarose2014 · 25/10/2014 23:18

Well to be blunt, it sounds like you're not going to get "continuity".

Their routines ARE going to be disrupted. But they'll manage. He's surely not an idiot.

Allhallowspeeve · 25/10/2014 23:19

You were me!

Honestly when the shit hits the fan your husband make sure they are all still alive. It doesn't really matter what happens in between. It will make him truely understand what happens when he pisses off to work.

Ask your mum to pop in the day before u get out out and tidy up x

26Point2Miles · 25/10/2014 23:21

They might enjoy the disruption of a controlled 'routine' ?? Might learn something from it and enjoy being with their dad free from regimented day to day routine routine routine.... I know I would!!

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2014 23:21

But why has he never done the early mornings then? If it is so easy, why have I been lumped with them Confused

Because you allowed yourself to be lumped with them.

If my DH had offered to do the early mornings, I would have let him get on with it too...just like he lets you get on with it.

scallopsrgreat · 25/10/2014 23:27

I don't think she offered to do early mornings. He's engineered it that she does though.

I also don't think it's unreasonable that the OP us worried about routines. It's not unusual for young children to have them after all Confused.

But I do agree with the rest. Leave him to it. He might start appreciating what you do OP.

39steppesmum · 25/10/2014 23:27

When I go away (for work occasionally overnight, and very occasionally for a few days) , my dh does things his way. Not my way. Somethings are done better, some are done differently, and some are left undone.

But the point is he has found his way. As I am normally SAHM, I write all the dates and activities on the calendar, then it is up to him. If I am taking the car, I may arrange a lift for ds to football....or I may not and dh has to do it.

If your kids watch a bit more TV/ipads than normal, they will be fine. If they get a bit tired, they will be fine, if they are late for school one day, they will be on time the next. They may wear the same T-shirt 2 days running, or miss a bath, but they will be fine.
They will miss you, and they may play up and he will have to work out what to do.

But they will also develop a much closer relationship with their dad, something that I hadn't realised until I went away and dad was doing everything, was that when I do everything their relationship with dad has fewer chances to get close - and my dh works from home and is pretty hands on.

So see it from the other side, this is a chance for him and them to get closer, to develop their own things which may - gasp - exclude you.