Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

How can I help him understand the role of a sahm?

88 replies

PearlsMom · 25/10/2014 22:53

I am currently a sahm on maternity leave and I have to go away for a couple of weeks for medical treatment and I will be leaving my dh to care for the dc (including baby). I originally thought my dm or Dsis could come and help him look after them but he is not keen and doesn't seem to understand why I'm worried that he won't cope.

He would have to look after the baby 6 months old full time, as well as the 3 year old (who is in nursery only part time). 6 year old is at school.

I am one of those sahm who tend to do most things (very bad habit to start). I do all the early mornings, which tend to start at 5am. And I do the morning routines, school run alone, he's never done it. He does pull his weight more with the cleaning, cooking and grocery shopping, but these tend to be done on his terms when he chooses to do so. For example cooking something will take his fancy, so he will go buy the ingredients and cook it and then refrigerate/freeze it for us to have later. I tend to do the regular cooking and ensure food is on the table at the usual meal times each day. Same as with cleaning, he will just decide the floors need mopping and do the whole house, whereas I just do the usual tidy up/ clean as we go on an everyday basis.

He is not one for routines and keeps quite anti social hours. Often going to bed at 3-4 in the morning, although he does look after the dc if they wake at night. (The reason he can keep these hours is because he is self employed and works from home or cafés/libraries when he needs to get away from the family noise). The other reason he keeps these hours is because he does have insomnia and finds it difficult to fall asleep, which is another reason why I do all the early mornings.

I need to insist on a trial run before I go, and he's agreed to it in theory but I honesty don't think he will get around to it. And I will just keep doing it up until the day I need to leave (I can't delay the treatment). I don't want to leave my children in the situation with an over tired, ill prepared parent, it seems like a terrible risk to take for their sakes, but how can I make him realise all that I do on a daily basis, including how difficult the early mornings can be.

Please don't be harsh with me, I know I have created this situation, but I need some help to make him understand.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2014 23:29

No, I said if my DH had offered then I would have let him get on with it.

I don't know if the OP's DH has engineered it or whether she automatically takes control and does it anyway.

Either way, if she's been 'lumped' with them I imagine it's because they haven't sat down and worked out a fairer way.

Original poster

PearlsMom · 25/10/2014 23:29

I can't comprehend that idea that I allowed him to not do mornings. I have asked him to share them with me, but what it comes down to is that the children wake up, he rolls over and stays asleep and then I get up because they need someone, so should I just stay in bed too?

If it is that easy for him, i might not come home for awhile, I do need a holiday.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2014 23:33

Well I can only tell you what I would have done in that situation, but if my DH had agreed to share them with me and then rolled over in bed, I would have woken him up and reminded him that it's his turn.

If it is that easy for him, i might not come home for awhile, I do need a holiday

If it does turn out to be easy for him and if he and the kids enjoy the experience, then yes why not plan yourself a holiday in the future?

At least you'll be able to relax.

Original poster

PearlsMom · 25/10/2014 23:34

Yes that would be lovely. I hope it works out that way.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2014 23:36

Best of luck

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 25/10/2014 23:39

I never allowed my H to "roll over and go back to sleep"

he took his turn, like anyone in an equal parenting role would do

in fact, we would elbow each other to step up on those cold winter mornings when the last thing you want to do is have a kid climbing on your head while you frantically try to tune in Cbeebies and get breakfast down a 2yo

Snapespotions · 25/10/2014 23:43

Sorry OP, but why have you had 3 children with someone whom you clearly regard as incompetent.

Either you trust your DH to look after your kids or you don't. If you don't trust him, why are you with him?

Jolleigh · 25/10/2014 23:53

PearlsMum - again, from an insomniac who struggles enormously getting to sleep. He doesn't do mornings, despite having agreed to because mornings feel like torture if you've not long been asleep. And if there's an alternative to him getting up (for example, you being there) then he will happily take it, should you allow it. You 'allow' it by getting up in his stead. But he will not be able to do this while you're in hospital. He WILL get up. He WILL learn to cope. Being an insomniac already, he will already have some effective ways of coping with very little sleep...he will use them. Relax about it. He'll manage without a test run, without being supervised, and he'll develop his own style.

Minibirdyay · 25/10/2014 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snapespotions · 26/10/2014 00:03

In some ways, I think the kids will miss you more if he sticks rigidly to your routines - much better to let him do things in his own way, they will take it in their stride I'm sure.

The biggest danger right now is that they will pick up on your anxiety about your partner's inability to look after them properly. Is that what you really want?

AcrossthePond55 · 26/10/2014 00:04

I left my DH for 11 weeks (mandatory work training) with a 2 year old in the middle of potty training and a 6 year old.

The house didn't burn down, the children didn't die. DH managed admirably. Was the house cleaned the way I wanted it to be? No. Did he cook healthy scratch meals every day? No. Were the children allowed to watch more TV than I normally allow? Yes. Did DS2 end up back in pull-ups? Yes. But they survived. Actually, the 6 year old thought it was a great time! He gleefully told me how many times Daddy let him watch Batman and that they had McDonald's twice a week.

Relax. Let go of that stranglehold As much as we think our children need us to survive every day, they don't. Plenty of children are being raised by their fathers suddenly due to death or divorce. And they muddle through.

He'll cope just fine, because he has to and because he loves his children.

As far as that morning deal, yeah, that needs to change. I suggest talking to him and saying that the two of you will be sharing mornings from now on. And then yes, stay in bed. Just keep poking him in the back until he gets up.

LadyLuck10 · 26/10/2014 00:05

If you think he is that incapable as a parent then why did you go on to have 3 kids with him
You are being extremely controlling with your 'trial runs' and wanting people to supervise him.

GingerCuddleMonster · 26/10/2014 00:14

my dad looked after me and my elder brother when my mum went in to hospital for a while. we were 6 and 8 and I remember it fondly because I loved it .

no I didn't attend school with perfectly brushed hair like mum did, and we stayed up late eating crumpets with butter and hot chocolate. Our clothes werent ironed but they were clean and we turned the living room in to a giant fort. He made "uniqe" meals like beans with sweet waffles because we ran out of bread.

we survived

Snapespotions · 26/10/2014 00:22

My dad looked after me and DSis for a couple if weeks when I was 8/9, while my mum went to be with my dying grandma. It was different from when my mum was around, but it was fine.

OP, your children have two parents. Both should be capable of looking after them.

Permanentlyexhausted · 26/10/2014 00:26

Look on the bright side. For how many nights will he manage to go to bed at 4am and get up at 5am to start looking after the children? It might 'cure' his insomnia, at least temporarily.

Wrapdress · 26/10/2014 00:44

If I were your husband I would be royally pissed off at being treated like this idiot buffoon. He's not the oldest child looking after the younger three. He's their father. Two weeks of non-routine living is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Are you concerned he will be truly negligent and risk their lives?

Chottie · 26/10/2014 03:49

Firstly, I hope your planned surgery and recovery goes well.

Secondly, your DC will be fine. They will be with their DF who loves them. Pls don't put any more pressure on your DP, he is probably worried about you going into hospital anyway. If he does have a problem, I'm sure your DM will pitch in and help.

I don't understand why you are so concerned about your DCs routines? Ok, they have to attend school, but would it really matter if they missed clubs for a week? Relax and concentrate on your health. :)

mynewpassion · 26/10/2014 04:03

I think that maybe instead of your mother and sister, could his mother come out and help out a couple days to give him a break? Or have your mother come by at the weekend to take the children out for a few of hours so that he gets a break and do a more thorough cleaning.

Let's be honest, would you want your either MIL or SIL to come and stay a few days if your husband was away for a couple weeks? Many posters would say no even if they get along fine.

I am aslo agreement with the other posters that he will not follow your routine to exact measures but he will do it his way that works for him and the children. They will be fine with a couple hours of relief for your husband at weekends.

marcopront · 26/10/2014 04:04

Actually if he does the night wakings, I think you doing the mornings is fine, unless there are very few night wakings.

Original poster

PearlsMom · 26/10/2014 04:22

Why did I have children with him? Because I don't have a problem with how things are generally, I just didn't anticipate getting sick and needing to be away from them. And I didn't anticipate not being able to ensure everything ticks along nicely. Maybe I am too overly controlling of this, but I just want the best for my children and I know that what I do for them at present works well for them as they are settled and happy.

I don't mind doing the mornings, but I do worry about him doing the mornings as he has never done them, not once. Why is it surprising then that I am concerned about it? I know how hectic and tiring the mornings can be, he doesn't.

I will back off and not mention anything. I don't have the energy to write lists or organise things in advance for him anyway, which is why I suggested a trial run or for my dm or Dsis to come and stay. But I won't bother with this now anyway, as you say, no one will starve.

OP posts:

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 26/10/2014 04:28

I'm one of four siblings. When I was 6 or 7 my mum went into hospital for 10 days. My dad who had never even changed a nappy before had to look after us all... We ate beans on toast at least once a day every day but we survived! My younger siblings were too young to remember but my sister and I can... We loved it... It was such a novelty to be looked after by dad it felt like some sort of weird holiday.

I think you've been given some excellent advice here OP and I hope you manage to follow it. The idea of a trial is really quite patronising and probably best avoided.

In your title you ask how to get him to understand your role and honestly, leaving him to do it for two weeks is the best way!

Penfold007 · 26/10/2014 04:47

OP I'm sure you don't mean to but you come over as very controlling and dismissive of your husbands parenting skills. Okay so he may parent differently but he is the man you chose to create children with so let him get on with it.

Dinopaws1987 · 26/10/2014 05:10

A terrible risk!?! Why?! He is also a parent!

You sound incredibly patronising if I'm being honest.

Tell him the basics and take a stepback. Let him do thing his way.

googoodolly · 26/10/2014 05:23

You're leaving them with their other parent. He WILL cope. He's just as capable as you are.

As for the mornings, if he's offered to help, then you elbow him until he gets his arse out of bed to help! If you've let him lie there sleeping while you get up all the time, that's nobody else's fault but yours!

Isetan · 26/10/2014 05:53

This isn't about his supposed unpreparedness, this is about you and your creation of a dynamic where your the 'responsible' parent.

He's your children's father who lives with them, not some stranger. Your way isn't the only way and you do your H and your children a disservice by parenting his parenting.

If the house doesn't burn down, the children don't starve or turn into wildlings, then it's all good.

Is your concern less about his 'unpreparedness' and more about your lack of control. If it is, then this is a perfect opportunity to challenge that attitude.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread