How can I help him understand the role of a sahm?

[PearlsMom]

I am currently a sahm on maternity leave and I have to go away for a couple of weeks for medical treatment and I will be leaving my dh to care for the dc (including baby). I originally thought my dm or Dsis could come and help him look after them but he is not keen and doesn't seem to understand why I'm worried that he won't cope.

He would have to look after the baby 6 months old full time, as well as the 3 year old (who is in nursery only part time). 6 year old is at school.

I am one of those sahm who tend to do most things (very bad habit to start). I do all the early mornings, which tend to start at 5am. And I do the morning routines, school run alone, he's never done it. He does pull his weight more with the cleaning, cooking and grocery shopping, but these tend to be done on his terms when he chooses to do so. For example cooking something will take his fancy, so he will go buy the ingredients and cook it and then refrigerate/freeze it for us to have later. I tend to do the regular cooking and ensure food is on the table at the usual meal times each day. Same as with cleaning, he will just decide the floors need mopping and do the whole house, whereas I just do the usual tidy up/ clean as we go on an everyday basis.

He is not one for routines and keeps quite anti social hours. Often going to bed at 3-4 in the morning, although he does look after the dc if they wake at night. (The reason he can keep these hours is because he is self employed and works from home or cafés/libraries when he needs to get away from the family noise). The other reason he keeps these hours is because he does have insomnia and finds it difficult to fall asleep, which is another reason why I do all the early mornings.

I need to insist on a trial run before I go, and he's agreed to it in theory but I honesty don't think he will get around to it. And I will just keep doing it up until the day I need to leave (I can't delay the treatment). I don't want to leave my children in the situation with an over tired, ill prepared parent, it seems like a terrible risk to take for their sakes, but how can I make him realise all that I do on a daily basis, including how difficult the early mornings can be.

Please don't be harsh with me, I know I have created this situation, but I need some help to make him understand.

Everyone will live. :)

I'm pregnant with my third right now and have felt so ill I'm in bed a lot of the time, so DH has had sole charge of the other two. The house is a mess, the children are eating random meals, and wearing ridiculous combinations of clothing. But they are fine. It's all fine. You just need to let go and realize it will be okay.

The dynamic sounds less than ideal, and you are getting a hard time here, but it sounds like both of you have allowed it to develop. You are taking on too much responsibility / control and probably doing too much and H is disempowered and not doing enough. staying up until 3 or 4 am regularly, not doing any mornings at all and cooking "fun" meals when he feels like it and leaving you to do the essentials is pretty selfish behaviour IMO.

It would be sensible to work together to change it, for the good of everyone!

Probably best just to let H get on with it this time, but changes could be made before you return to work.

I expect your DH will put the DC to bed at a more sensible time than you do so that they then wake at a later, more civilised time. Your own routine sounds very chaotic - maybe your DH will be better organised?

Tbh a lot of what you wrote has resonated with me. I realised since that whilst I course wanted things to go as smoothly as possible as I don't like change, it was in my best interests to assume my way was the best way because it justified my contribution, role and position in the family.

Truth is, I obviously think my way is best but it was interesting to see hubby doing things differently... it didn't change how I do things when I picked up the role again.

Agree with Isetan.

Why are the routines so important? If any are hugely important leave a list so that if the children get upset he'll know why. My eldest is severely autistic so if I go away I leave a list of current routines that are important to him (they change) & leave DH to it.

Ime most kids aren't that bothered by routines beyond being fed on time.

Make sure the list includes the school start time & leave him to it.

My granda had to come to look after us when I was small. It was 1970-something and men of my granda's generation didn't DO childcare. (Mum was sick, Dad was at work and my granny looked after my cousins)

I still remember it really really fondly. "Hey ho hey ho it's off to work we go" as we all tidied up. And we had to help. No slacking off. And he had dinner of a fashion ready every night.

And my wee brother was still in cloth nappies and he bought my mum and dad a tumble drier because it was such a hassle to get them dry

The kids will survive. Your husband will cope. Honestly.

I loved it. Sigh. He signed my homework and his writing was so cool AND he sharpened all my pencils with his little knife and they were so cool too and all my friends thought I was the biz with my pointy pencils.

Sigh. Again.

Insisting on a "trial run" is really not going to help, OP. You have to let him do it his way, not subject him to a series of tests to assess his fitness to look after his own kids. He most certainly WON'T do things the way you would like them done, but that's not a problem so long as the kids are fed and happy. I think you need to let go on this and trust him. Yes he will find it hard and he'll probably learn a lot through experience, which could be really helpful once you get back. But if you keep checking up on him and holding him to your standards he will resent you.

Based on the length of time you're away with treatment, I would hazard a guess that it's for a pretty serious medical condition.

I know that you are clearly the one who is currently on top of keeping everything going at home.

I wonder if your anxiety is, at least in part, due to your being unable to be that person for a while. And maybe some fear about the treatment/underlying condition?

Try to be kind to yourself, and your DH. As others have said, the DC are probably less attached to the routine than you are.

I can understand why you're worried if your dh always pleases himself, never gets up because he's been awake all night, never seems bothered about the children being fed. My worry would be the children being tired and grumpy, what's he like then? If he's laidback then fine. If he's grumpy or shouty not fine.

I think a lot hinges on his personality. You haven't said much about how he actually interacts with them?

It's great hearing stories of some loving chilled dad making dens and beans on toast and dressing them in weird combinations of clean but crumpled clothes. If he's likely to be like that then I'd agree, try to relax and stop worrying.

If he's liable to get snappy/ shouty then go ahead and get friends and family to pop in regularly.

Ok I'm a SAHM, I do everything ( dh is out of house 13h p day)

I do however have a lie in once a week.
Have a day off every five weeks to shop/ socialise with my friends.

I am a control freak, I like it all done my way, my routines etc etc. on my days off I've learnt to leave early, not get involved in the morning routine and come home after bedtime, thus avoiding the eve routine. I don't sweat that he feeds them take out, they watch tv, play computer games. I think it's very good for them to have a day together to bond. dad to struggle

Let him do it his way and in he future claw back some time for you, including a lie in.

My DH doesn't 'naturally' look after DC nor have much idea what they do day in day out on a weekly basis. However he has been left to look after them and has coped just fine and also managed to get some washing etc done.
One thing he does need is a written plan of their week of where they would normally be and when as he wouldn't retain all the info if I just told him. So, no detailed lists but more a framework of the week.
I don't leave meals already made but generally do a decent shop so all the basics (milk, cheese, ham, bread, pasta + meat in freezer) etc are there and he can cook from this.
They usually go out for 1-2 meals and are generally later to bed but homework gets done and they are not late for school
As I understand it there is a panic tidying session just prior to my return
I guarantee your dh will have more respect for the amount you do day in, day out so I think it will be positive for you all. Kids love 'daddy day care' even if they miss me.
Hope the op goes ok

Black daisies thats so true.
Last time I was off my dh took my daughter out in a fur coat, full jewellery, monsoon dress and school shoes! she was furious he made her wear school shoes, when she wanted to wear her heels obviously I would have amended her outfit and am less fun

Op, you have been getting a ridiculously hard time! For all the posters on here telling you to relinquish control and stop being uptight, a great deal of them are being very judgemental! (Despite their "I'm too cool to care about routines" rhetoric).

It sounds to me like you are worried about your health issues and leaving your baby - mine was still totally attached to me at 6 months and we were still very symbiotic - I would have been traumatised to leave him for that long. It sounds like you are worried they will miss their mum too - completely understandable!

My dh is totally equal in terms of parenting our 8,6 & 3 year old. He has them all weekend and I still can't wait to get back from my course to see them and hear about their days!

Be kind to yourself, try to acknowledge your anxiety and learn to live with that feeling. Your husband will cope - I bet they have a great time and well done him for being so laid back about the prospect. Make sure he checks in with picture messages while you are away and good luck sorting your health problem.

On the DH doing some of the mornings.
My DH is a late to bed, late to rise kinda guy. I do what the others above have mentioned: nudge and elbow him one morning at the weekend til he gets up (very groggy). Or just let the kids get into bed with both of us, and they disturb him enough to get up. Yes, I'd love to do what he's done this morning - sleep through everyone else getting up, but at least he will get up.

I'm off to for a long week with work (fri-fri) shortly. Yes, things will be different, he will be late for work well he's guaranteed to be late for work, as nursery opens half an hour after he starts officially, but he will be later than he needs to be the kids will wear some interesting combos, and eat some junk, but they will be looked after. He might not keep on top of the washing, so I'll probably come home to some new clothing purchases for DS2, who really needs a couple more pairs of trousers. He is also taking a days holiday in the middle of the week, as he can't deal with it full time, but everyone survives.

BUT, added to that, he is going to have a sick wife in hospital, and presumably he will want to visit you, maybe with the kids? That is going to add to the stress of it, and so standards will drop even if he was used to looking after the kids.

That is a mammoth post, basically saying, don't worry about home and the kids, they will all be fine. Focus on getting better.

OP I think you are getting a hard time. You are worried about your kids, which is understandable. And it may be that they are going to find it hard if dinner is late etc.

But as I said before you need to step back and think about things from the other side.
First, this will be good for their relationship with their dad. So, leaving practicalities aside, would you like your kids to have a closer better relationship with their dad?
Second, having done this for 2 weeks, he will have a better insight into what it involves and you can then work out how you are going to do things when your maternity leave ends, or even now, so that you are both involved.
third, and this is controversial. We think that doing the best for our kids means that they never experience anything negative. That their lives proceed in a safe and orderly way. Actually, encountering and having to deal with the things that life throws at us is part of growing. Our kids learn resilience and coping skills when dealing with things in their lives that are not 'perfect' whether that is having to share your toys with a pesky brother, struggling with a friendship, or mum being away and dad being in charge. Our job as parents isn't to protect them from anything happening, but to keep what happens within a range they can cope with, and to help them deal with what comes their way.

I think this is going to be a gift for you. Let him do it entirely himself. The kids will be totally fine, as will he. And he will respect your efforts longer term. He will be less likely to take you for granted.

I think if he finds it difficult it will make him appreciate everything you normally do. This sounds like it will be a positive thing overall

I just don't understand a lot of these responses. Put the shoe on the other foot. Say your sister was going in to hospital for 2 weeks and you were going to look after her children. You've never done it before. Not really aware what it involves. Your sister is worried (about the treatment coming up as well as leaving her children for the first time ) and wants you to try out a day or two to get a clearer idea of what will keep the children happy. You say no, don't be silly. Let me just muddle along, feed them crap, be late for school, not worry about them getting enough sleep, late meals, leave them to cry a bit while I struggle to wake up in the mornings. As long as they are alive at the end why would you worry if they are happy or the house is a state for you to deal with on your return?
I doubt very much any of us would have that attitude. So why is it acceptable for the dh to do so??
I'd have a talk to him. Explain really clearly that you are nervous about being away, explain that knowing he is well prepared in how to run things in a way that is familiar to the kids wil really alleviate your worry. Hopefully he will step up and be understanding so that you can take him through a few things before you go. Would be lovely if you could head off with confidence rather than a ball of worry.

If you are run over by a bus tomorrow who will actually have to take care of your children for the rest of their lives? He will.

If you do not think him capable then why haven't you done something about it before now. Shit happens.

You are away for 2 weeks - let him get on with it. You don't need trial runs - the worst stuff usually happens at the start when people are unfamiliar with routines - so that would just make you more anxious - and ultimately what the heck would you actually DO about it if he "failed".

If you give him lots of lists it's going to be too much to remember. The older 2 will cope... I'd make them lists of what to do to help get ready for school (then dh can check if he needs to rather than him feeling like a child). I would write the 6mo routine out. Then let dh get on with it. Things won't be done how you would but as long as dc are clean and fed they'll be okay and dh will appreciate you more.
I hope the treatment goes well x

If you don't think he's capable of being a father why did you have two children with him? As for a trial run, words fail me. I'd be having a fair bit to say if my DH ever suggested I trial being a parent or looking after the house.

It's not rocket science, millions work, parent and look after a house. What do you think is so hard about it?

OP, I have recently gone back to work full time and DP has become SAHD (initially to a 6 month old and 4 yo).

Yes, it is hard to let go and accept things are done differently - more TV, no baby groups, fewer naps - and I did leave a written routine for the baby but ultimately looking after children is hard work but it isn't difficult.

He'll work it out.

Op: I knew someone with insomnia. It meant she stayed up most of the night watching a screen, fell asleep at 6.00am, stayed in bed asleep, till midday. oh and moaned about never being able to sleep.

I think your DH needs to get his arse out of bed in the mornings and take part in family life.

I can see why you are worried.

hellokitty, the OP's DH is a parent who already lives with the children. How is this comparable to a sister who has never looked after kids before and doesn't know what it involves?