How can I help him understand the role of a sahm?

[PearlsMom]

I am currently a sahm on maternity leave and I have to go away for a couple of weeks for medical treatment and I will be leaving my dh to care for the dc (including baby). I originally thought my dm or Dsis could come and help him look after them but he is not keen and doesn't seem to understand why I'm worried that he won't cope.

He would have to look after the baby 6 months old full time, as well as the 3 year old (who is in nursery only part time). 6 year old is at school.

I am one of those sahm who tend to do most things (very bad habit to start). I do all the early mornings, which tend to start at 5am. And I do the morning routines, school run alone, he's never done it. He does pull his weight more with the cleaning, cooking and grocery shopping, but these tend to be done on his terms when he chooses to do so. For example cooking something will take his fancy, so he will go buy the ingredients and cook it and then refrigerate/freeze it for us to have later. I tend to do the regular cooking and ensure food is on the table at the usual meal times each day. Same as with cleaning, he will just decide the floors need mopping and do the whole house, whereas I just do the usual tidy up/ clean as we go on an everyday basis.

He is not one for routines and keeps quite anti social hours. Often going to bed at 3-4 in the morning, although he does look after the dc if they wake at night. (The reason he can keep these hours is because he is self employed and works from home or cafés/libraries when he needs to get away from the family noise). The other reason he keeps these hours is because he does have insomnia and finds it difficult to fall asleep, which is another reason why I do all the early mornings.

I need to insist on a trial run before I go, and he's agreed to it in theory but I honesty don't think he will get around to it. And I will just keep doing it up until the day I need to leave (I can't delay the treatment). I don't want to leave my children in the situation with an over tired, ill prepared parent, it seems like a terrible risk to take for their sakes, but how can I make him realise all that I do on a daily basis, including how difficult the early mornings can be.

Please don't be harsh with me, I know I have created this situation, but I need some help to make him understand.

The only way he will understand what being a stay at home parent entails is by doing it himself. I don't think you need a trial run, just ensure he knows how to do feeds etc and what time bedtime is. The kids will adapt to a slight change in routine fine. If he gets tired he will go to bed early and if he gets over tired he can call on mil right? Try not to worry. My dp cares for dd two days a week while I work. He doesn't do things exactly as I would but dd doesn't get upset by this at all and her behaviour is unchanged. Sometimes I get texts saying 'what should I do?' Or 'when is...?' so if you're not going to be available to take those calls maybe write it all down before you go. I think this is more your issue if I'm honest, are you a bit of a perfectionist? I think you need to let go a bit. He sounds like a perfectly responsible adult to me. Best of luck. Xx

Thank you to the more supportive posters, I do know that I am not thinking clearly at all at the moment, which is why I posted here and not in aibu and also why I asked in the op for you not to be harsh with me.

I am under a lot of stress, no energy, stopping breatfeeding the baby, recovering from recent surgery also.

Dh is not the most patient parent, probably because he hasn't needed to be, I do tend to protect him from daily stresses, my fault I know. But I'm trying to do my best by everyone.

Thank you for the practical advice and shared experiences. I will back off. I am too tired to write out lists of advice for him. Whoever said that I am a rubbish parent for having my dc up at 5am is probably correct too. So he may well do a much better job than me anyway. Here's hoping.

Pearls, I apologize if I came off flip or hard.

The truth is that your children will be fine. I think you need to concentrate on yourself, love. If you're having to go for medical treatment for two weeks, you must be in a situation that is stressful for you without worrying about the homefront.

You are NOT rubbish parent. Like all of us when we have young children, you are finding your way blindly along that path we call parenthood. And like all of us, you are doing the best you can. My DS2 was always up at the 'buttcrack of dawn' when he was young. Nothing wrong with that! Since when does getting up early equal bad parenting? Ignore them.

Remember that although you've done it all, that your DH has probably observed and learned a lot by osmosis. And that your mum and dsis are only a phone call away if he needs advice.

Take care of yourself and concentrate on healing.

Snapes potions, I thought it was similar because the dh has never looked after the children before and isn't aware of what it involves

Pearl you need to allow your DH to parent the children whilst you concentrate on your medical treatment and recovery. No he won't do it your way or get it 100% right but on the plus side he will learn just how hard you work and the children will get some great dad bonding time.

Hope all goes well and you are soon better.

Pearls it is hard. And I say this as someone who has always worked and handed over the DDs to other people, and whose DH has always done his share. When I first started having to be away overnight with work, I found it hugely stressful.

Thing is, I never breathed a word of this, because I knew it was my problem - I knew DH would cope, his way. Your DH will cope too. And who knows, at the end of all this you may find it easier to have girly breaks away with friends while your DCs have fun weekends with Daddy, and your DH may want to go and do things with his friends occasionally while you do fun things with your DCs. It could open up a lot of new possibilities for you as a family.

I wish you strength and good luck.

OP I haven't read the thread but it does seem tough on your children to suddenly have their primary carer change for such a long period of time. I think you should take a weekend and go stay with a friend. Just to get the children used to it.

It'll be okay Pearl, it really will :)

Just ask yourself what's the worst that can happen. Being plonked in front of an iPad or being late for school isn't ideal but it isn't the end of the world. They'll all be okay and it will be good for him.

Hope your surgery goes well!

It will be ok, Pearl.

The surgery will go ok. Your husband will be ok. The children will be ok.

Don't make the mistake of assuming your mum and sister will do a better job of looking after them than your husband would. After all, your mum was the expert in her own children, your sister is the expert in hers and your husband will be the expert in his. There's no reason why your mum or sister would be better than him purely because they're women or have children. Because your husband has children, too. The one's he will be looking after.

The week before my daughter's first birthday, I went away for the week. Because I wanted to. I didn't need to; it as purely for myself. And my husband supported it.

I didn't do 'trial runs' and I didn't get the children used to a change in 'primary carer'. I went away for the week and the children stayed with their dad! I knew he wouldn't do things the way I did them. But he lived with that 1 year old and 8 year old and what's the worst that could have happened..?

And the reality is, that they had a great time. Of course he didn't do things the way I did them, because he isn't me. But I'm sure he didn't think all of the things I did were necessary. And he may well have been right! Who knows...

The biggest thing was, though, that when I got back he told me that he'd had no idea just how much work was involved. That his plan had been to get the children to bed and invite a friend round to watch dvds, or play video games. That he'd planned to go out every day with the children and that he'd assumed the house would be spotless. The truth is that he'd done a really good job of it all. But he'd not watched a single film and the playstation stayed off every day (when I was there he watched a film or played on the PS every night - he was just looking forward to having his choice of film on) and he hadn't even spoken to his friends, let alone had the evening with them.

Your husband will manage because you do. You're nothing special (in the nicest possible way!!). Millions of people all over the world look after their children without following your routines exactly and without their grandma's and aunties checking in on their dads and their mums all care about their emotional states, etc. And they are thriving too.

You just concentrate on getting better and let him worry about being a parent. Because he can do it.

You have a unique opportunity to show your husband just how much you do - before you go back to work and end up doing all of if and working too. Don't screw it up by making it easy for him...

Oh, and you're not doing it 'right' either.

You're just doing it in your way. Because there is no single 'right' way to parent.

They will be fine

Poor you, what a rough time you're having .

It's really hard to answer your worries as I'm not sure what your relationship is like.

Is it a normal healthy relationship? In that he can be a bit crap just like everyone but heart basically in right place?

Or is this a relationship already under pressure with odd power dynamics going on and would he when it comes down to it, he would put his own needs ahead of his children's well being?

Cos my answers would change depending on that. But either way you need kindness and empathy, not some of the errr more 'robust' poets on here.

I think they may have somehow missed the fact that you're ill, just had surgery and have to have some more treatment.

I hardly think that's the time to start leaping around trying to be cool by having no routine, and certainly not helpful at all to start questioning your parenting competence!!! Ignore ignore ignore

Surgery aside, I think these two weeks are the best thing that could happen to your relationship. He will see the relentlessness of what is involved in running the house and children.

Writing lists and asking relatives to step in will protect him from the full experience.