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oogling young girls

804 replies

typingtoofast · 25/10/2014 22:08

Myself and my partner have decided to give it another try. He is convinced im the woman for him and has apologised for his regular selfish episodes where I have to explain to him that his behaviour is not condusive to a healthy relationship. Ultimately he's selfish. But he has improved and I have seen a loving, attentive and kind man. I was beginning to think that this was a great new start for our relationship and was glad to give it another shot as had missed him when I decided to end it. The break gave me and him perspective and what was important to us both. All that aside.
We were out today in town and a group of young girls (16yr olds I'd say)were obviously heading off on a halloween party night. I had mentioned how inappropriate I thought the outfits were as they were extreamely revealing. You get the picture. In my mind I'm also thinking how they will catch their death of cold!
He views the girls and says they're out for a good night and laughs. He almost snapped his neck gawping. Now nobody could help it as the outfits as i said were ott. But then he replies they'll be teasing the boys later in the nightclub. I reply yes and that's just wrong.
I have in hay days worn revealing outfits and I replied that I wasn't necessarily looking for sex I was I suppose just rebelling and trying to be adult like.
He replied but kids these days are having sex younger, just look at them,look at the one in the tiny outfit. She'll be having sex tonight with the way she's carrying on.
I told him that's enough, that he looked like a sleezy man oogling.
He replied oh to be back that age again. I'd love to meet her out. Imagine the fun.
I was appalled by two things. One him visioning and two saying it in front of me.
Is this normal? I was disgusted and chose to say nothing for the rest of the evening. But then I think what if middle aged men say these things in their head. He's stupid/honest enough to say it out to me.
Now I'm thinking I am with a sleezy middle aged man and worries me that he would think like that.

OP posts:
WallBox · 30/10/2014 00:08

cloggal Sad

cloggal · 30/10/2014 00:11

It's awful that we all have something to tell. Reported the post just in case.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 30/10/2014 00:12

No need to report, clog. That is your experience to recount and no need to censor or sugar coat it

cloggal · 30/10/2014 00:16

thanks happyhalloween. Unpleasant but there it is.

justiceofthePeas · 30/10/2014 01:06

"Entitled hypocrisy"

agnesf · 30/10/2014 02:47

I agree that this is an upsetting and depressing thread. Nothing like any of the things described on here have ever happened to me. I hope they never happen to my DCs.

Have I lead a charmed life?

Canyouforgiveher · 30/10/2014 03:27

agnesf you probably have led a charmed life. But it is a life I hope my own daughters live too. I have protected them in childhood as much as possible but now have to equip them to deal with the real world. It is depressing and scary to be honest. I can imagine my 14 year old growing up and living in London or NYC. The thought of her dealing with crappy men saying crappy sexual things to her on a daily basis is depressing.

My son (age 17) came home last week saying a kid had been expelled from his all boys school and they were having a talk about it the next day. turns out the student (age 17/18 so a man) was caught up-skirting a female teacher. phone taken, immediate suspension. they looked at the phone and it was not a one-off. school in shock. prosecution likely. This was a teacher teaching boys in a private school known for "values education" and she was assaulted on the job. utterly despair-making.

Twindad's comments really struck me - I thought they were very useful because they really emphasized to me how men who don't experience this just cannot comprehend it - unless they are particularly imaginative. I am determined my son will at least know about this stuff from me. I hope he wont grow up astonished at what women go through on a daily basis but with some understanding of it.

agnesf · 30/10/2014 03:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

agnesf · 30/10/2014 03:34

Maybe I'm too scary looking.

Canyouforgiveher · 30/10/2014 03:41

agnes you have a little cloud with an angel (with a serious weapon) on it floating over your head. now you just need to figure out how to clone that armed angel and distribute it to all girls at birth.

Actually I haven't had too much bad happen me but I have been groped on the subway (Hong Kong), assaulted by a family friend as a very young child (fingers going into knickers stuff) and several other low level things - most women I know do. But what it constant is depressing feeling that if out and about I need to be careful/watch situations/get out of escalating situations/react to men in the right way so I don't get hurt. I do think that is constant for most women. And depressingly I may have to teach my daughters how to do the same to stay safe.

WallBox · 30/10/2014 07:10

The film of the girl walking through N.Y. is showing on the news this morning, how interesting. The BBC have been MNing.

MyEmpireOfDirt · 30/10/2014 07:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 30/10/2014 07:39

The girl on the video in NY has received rape threats for daring to speak out.

garbanzobean · 30/10/2014 07:42

I think too many are confusing sexual attraction by men with sexual assault.

It's safe to say that when women wear low cut tops, miniskirts on a night out they are doing so to attract men-I mean why else wear them?

But...
It's not attracting ALL men it's about attracting one man they like back. In spite of what some say here, most men are intelligent enough to realise that they might not be the target of the woman's apperance.

We're all familiar with mating rituals; and the point of a mating ritual is that the male will try it on. Now, the point here is that there is a major difference between a polite advance and crossing the line.

An example of a 'polite advance':

They may 'chance their luck' by approaching the woman, 'can I buy you a drink?', perhaps doing something a bit naff but non-sexually invasive like kissing her hand but, if rebuffed, will politely skulk away.

An example of 'crossing the line'
Going up to a woman and sticking tongue down her throat.

Bottom line, so what if a woman dresses sexily to attract a man? I've done it, vast majority of women have, the point is this: as long as a man makes a polite advance (such as offering to buy a drink) and accepts a refusal without fuss, who cares?

As for assault, that happens regardless what the woman is wearing.

WallBox · 30/10/2014 07:48

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"No thank you"

"Fucking lesbian bitch"

My experience.

garbanzobean · 30/10/2014 07:52

Sorry about that, WallBox, but that guy is the exception not the rule. Contrary to popular belief, most men want to be wanted back and feel embarrassed and skulk off if they are not.

ScarletHarridan · 30/10/2014 08:08

You can read this thread and watch that video and still say "he is the exception rather than the rule"?, garbanzobean?

garbanzobean · 30/10/2014 08:13

Yes I can say 'exception to the rule' because most men do NOT feel entitlement over women. And thank goodness for that.

Attraction does not mean a sense of entitlement.

FolkGirl · 30/10/2014 08:16

garbanzo I did tell myself I wasn't going to rise to you again...

But I'm nearly 40. I think I can tell the difference between someone talking to me because they find me attractive and someone who is attempting to intimidate and sexually harass/assault me. Hmm

Largely because one makes me feel good about myself (when I'm attracted to them in return, or not) and one makes me feel scared, angry and violated.

And the bottom line is, let's just say you're right and all of us women are so utterly desirable that strange men just can't help themselves shouting stuff out at us in the street because what they are really hoping for is a long term mutually fulfilling relationship, or even just a respectful FB arrangement, then perhaps they need to realise that this model of harassment, intimidation and assault that they are currently employing, is not working.

Rather than telling us that we are wrong and we should accept this, how about men try approaching us differently.

Except that they are already doing that. Because the men who are genuinely interested in us aren't the ones assaulting, intimidating or harassing us as we go about our daily lives...

WallBox · 30/10/2014 08:19

garbanzobean I know that but it wasn't a one off.

I think I sound as though I have a problem with men in general. Not true, I married my first boyfriend and we are still happily together.

Sometimes though something will trigger memories from the past and I'm suddenly back there. Probably time to step away from this thread now.

FolkGirl · 30/10/2014 08:22

Put it like this. I have been asked out/pursued for a relationship 6 times in the last 12 months, and for most of which time I was already in one.

None of those men sought to intimidate me, or shout at me in the street, or grab my arse, or persist even when I said "no", or insult me when I turned them down. I've become really good friends with one, am still friends with another, still cross paths with one and don't see the others.

Because "X said he thought I was lovely and realised I 'ticked a lot of his boxes'. He said that the more he got to know me, the more of his boxes I ticked and, more importantly, didn't tick any of the negatives. He asked if and would I like to go out some time..."

is very different to

"I was walking to my car in the carpark after the cinema and the man I watched it with followed me and tried pressuring me into letting him come back to my house. I kept resisting, he persisted. I felt quite scared by the time I'd got back to my car and he was telling me he wanted to feel my cunt and cum in my mouth"

garbanzobean · 30/10/2014 08:23

So Folkgirl do you accept then that women who are dressed sexily are usually out to attract men but that most men are intelligent enough to realise that the way of dressing is not for them but rather a specific male or do you think all men think that a sexily-dressed woman is out to pull them and them alone?

And as I have said previously, the 'teasing the boys' comment is a strong indicator that the opening poster's dp realises that the girls are not out to get him.

FolkGirl · 30/10/2014 08:23

whether I'm attracted to them in return, or not

ScarletHarridan · 30/10/2014 08:26

And you can say that because your experience as an individual trumps the experience of the many women who have posted on here and shared their experiences? Who say that it happens all the time? That it becomes like wallpaper because of its frequency?

What makes you think you know better than all of those others? Why is your experience so much more valid?

FolkGirl · 30/10/2014 08:29

garbanzo Well, without unpicking the whole of that last post, I don't think men look at a woman and think she is out to pull them, and them alone. But I don't think the sort of men who behave like this give much thought to what the woman is thinking. I think they think in terms of whether they'd "fuck that" and take it from there.