ifidelity

[moloko]

My husband told me last night he had sex with another women when he was away. My baby is 16 month old i'm devastated what to do?

thinking of you moloko x

Hi Moloko.

Nice to hear that he is doing what he can, he stopped everything and came to you he must love you a lot. Take heart from that!!

Maturer can you tell me if this up and down stops, or evens out, one minute I am feeling very upbeat and laughing the next back down at bottom. I have so got to get my act together but its a fine line, I could talk to DH about it till the cows some home, is this normal, do I rein those thoughts in.

I think that's normal to be honest. I was like that but it did even out soon enough.

(Should have said in my last post that this was the reason we split up, that was entirely unrelated).

I think that's normal to be honest. I was like that but it did even out soon enough.

(Should have said in my last post that this wasn't the reason we split up, that was entirely unrelated).

Hi janepain (been away a couple of days to visit family)

Yes the ups and downs are very normal in my experience......so far they've not stopped but the time between them lengthens and the "recovery" time shortens if that makes sense.
I completely understand you asking....you do think "am I going crazy" or is this normal? I guess we are all different so it's a personal thing how you recover but when others share their experiences at least you know you haven't got the perspective wrong.
In the early days the emotional swings were frequent and frightening...now I still talk about being Hyjacked by my emotions, some tiny thing can set the ball rolling and then I'm in the past and hurting as much as it were yesterday BUT there are days now it takes a while before I think about it and I even sometimes find myself saying "I don't want to think about this, I haven't got time" and it happens!
This for you will seem impossible at the moment....my mantra in the early days and still is sometimes (well I've got 2 really) "one day at a time" and "no more secrets" even if it hurts!
You will surprise yourself at just how strong you are........you can do this.X

Hi all

Thanks Maturer for your thoughts.X Hope you are well. Sorry not 'dipped' in for a while. Only looked at this link today since last message I posted.Just could not keep looking I thought I was OK but back to square one again. Bloody DH. Love him then dislike him. Want to leave but want to stay, I am wearing myself out!

HI to all. x

Ask him why he thought it would be helpful to tell you? He could have just lived with his own guilty but instead he decided to off load it on to you. I bet he feels a lot better now and you feel worse. In a sense that's a double punishment for you.

Or tell him next week you'll do the same and then you'll be quits.

Another thing - force him to have an STD test now and in 6 months time. Make him wear condoms until then.

Also I bet it wasn't really that important to him anyway. May be not so bad as a long emotional involvement with someone, although still technically adultery.

Hi Xenia

Thanks for your message.

Thing is he is cut up too. Its a good point on why did he tell me god I wish he did'nt, he said he could not live with it anymore, trouble is I cant either. I know he wishes he could go back in time and have not told me. As for make it quits he would let me would not help me. He has agreed to a test and know without asking him condoms would be acceptable by him, I know he would do anything but it wont help. He has killed the bond we had, when I am with him sometimes I feel lonely he was my friend/soul mate that side has gone and it breaks my heart. It also breaks my heart that he will do anything but its futile.

Hi all hope you are doing ok

Just thought I'd share.....having a "relapse" day prompted by my dh starting a new job (which i know gives him freedom of time and place) and him being late home last night.
He ramg me to say he was setting off home and explain all the things that had gone wrong that afternoon to make him so late- as I'm listening I was suddenlt back in time and I heard myself saying inside I DONT BELIEVE YOU- here we go again!

I totally lost it agin last night had a huge cry and let all the pain out (like it happened yesterday!)

I KNOW today he was not lying to me- I've told him how I feel- he's gone out of his way to reassure me and says he'll do whatever it takes!!!!

I know too probably by tomorriw I'll be fine again. So jsut thought I'd share the bad (as well as the good)the rollercoaster certainly slows down....and ever now and then I even think I've managed to get off it, then something sends me off again.

How's everyone doing?

How awful. To my knowledge I've never been cheated on. So I don't know how I'd feel. I would have thought if they were in love with someone and spending a lot of time discussing intimate things with them that would be much more a betrayal than a bit of meaningless sex.

I certainly wouldn't want to know. My father a psychatrist would get patients saying should I tell because it would m ake them feel better. He always said well that's great for you but it's imposing that pain on the other person so just keep it to yourself. I'm still not convinced telling is the mature sensible thing to do although I realise a lot of men and women would say they would rather know.

Hi Everyone
Just read this all the way through and if anyone remembers this is all so fresh for me about 6 weeks ago he walked out. He now wants to make a go of us but i am having real trust problems. I would like to ask maturer if her h buried his head in the sand at first. I feel as if i am walking on eggshells trying not to talk about it. we have been to a couple of conselling sessions which have been good and i come out feeling poitive but then i am not sure if he really is committed. He is only really interested in work - which the consellor said was his way of blocking it out. My big fear is that it is still going on and they have made a pact that he should stay married as it is easier that way. Am i just being paranoid? I feel that everytime i ask (again) if this is what he really wants he just gets cross and says how many times does he have to say it and that time will tell. Were you ever tempted to follow him or get a PI. I feel that if i could be proved wrong a couple of times it would be good and help me to move on. The trouble is i also dont want to be that type of person and i think i am afraid of what i will find out. I think i am too weak to ever kick him out. And that makes me feel crap too why would i want to stay with him if he has already proved he is liar and can hurt me so much? I dont think he really meant to hurt anyone - is it possible that he just did not ever think about what would happen? It was a long going thing and more than sex and i am sure he still loves or cares for her very much (he has addmitted this during our sessions) I am just looking for reassurance that there is hope for us and i know there is only person who can answer that and i am not sure i dare believe what he says.
Am i abnormal that i cannot get this out of my head and have not even though about xmas the poor kids.
Hope this all makes sense.
By the way he took me to a xmas party the other day and she was there!! I was very calm and dignified and felt fantastic after.
Any tips and support much needed.

Hi hurtwife- what you are feeling I think is absolutely natural in the circumstances- you are not paranoid or going mad you've suffered a huge trauma in your life- if you'd witnessed a major accident or traumatic event you'd be thinking about it all the time trying to make sense of it all and place it in "your world" - this is just the samebut in some ways more difficult becaus you don't have all the pieces of the puzzle (and may never know all the truth)

I did contemplate a Pi at one point but realistically I thought - I don't want to live like that- plus at the time HER DH was behaving like a government spy, following her, tracking her phone, hacking into her computer etc etc it was awful and i thought I do not want to become that bitter/that desperate.

You say you are afraid to talk about it and are afraid you'l never be able to tell him to leave-you must talk about it and you have already found you can live without him you just chose not to- in time as it became more and more apparant how much my dh had betrayed me I decided I could live without him- I deserved much more than what was happening at the time and I was prepared to ask him to go, I chose not to because he did about that time "come to his senses".
He spent the first few months after I learned of the affair not being totally truthful, yes burrying his head in the sand- I made him eventually talk about it and his own confusion took him to counselling.
He said at the time he loved her and missed her- now he says really he thought he loved her/ convinced himself he did but rally was "in lust" with her and the "fantasy" situation of their relationship .He so strongly says now he can't believe how he "conned" himself into believeing that his time with her was deep and meaningful- he can see now it was just lust and insignificant compared to the love and history we had and still have- he just couldn't see that at the time!
Have you read After the affair" By Julia Cole (I think it's in the Relate series) I found it very good - it looked at his and your perspectives and helped us both.
You are not crazy, you've done nothing wrong- quite simply you have been lied to and betrayed so no wonder you feel this way. Time, talking, honesty- no secrets- the only way forward.

By the way we are back on track after my down day last week! Take care honey!

Thank god for MN hey ladies- Like you hurtwife I am about 6 weeks in and am coping quite well (considering I am 3 weeks from having number 3)

H is putting in maximum effort to try and make amends time will tell if that suceeds, I said at the time that I cannot make any decisions about our future while I am this heavily pregnant.

As far as I am aware there was nothing physical it was an emotional affair but a betrayal none the less.

It is nice to know there are people close at hand who understand how I am feeling. I just aim to get through Xmas, the birth and then decide where my future lies, not sure I even want him in my life at the moment, I have emotionally switched off, I have lost trust and respect for him, which to me are two of the fundamental concepts for the base of a marriage.

pedilia- so sorry you are going through this.
I have a similar view to yuo (even if there hadn't been a physical relationship on my dh part-and there was) If your partner is giving away a part of themseleve to someone else that really they should only give to you then that is an affair andis a breach of trust and betrayal.

I am 3 years on since my dh affair and we are still together- won't bore you with the details as written about them here many times- but if i can help- if you just want to talk please do and I'll be as honest with you as I can about how we surrvived.

We are all different, our circumstances are not exactly the same but we do share the same pian- this does not have to be the end for youIF YOU WANT - with time, talking and honesty it can get stronger and deeper and you can end up closer (that will seem a million miles away for you now)

You do right not to make major decisions now- focus on you and your baby- take care of yourself- when YOU are ready tackle the issues her.

Thinking of you.

here not her!!!!!

thanks maturer- really positive to see people that have made it through the other side.

I feel suprisingly positive although some days are better than others, H has booked counselling, I feel he needs to face his demons (low self esteem,bulimia,father died five years ago, mum last year to name but a few) none of these have been dealt with, unitl he cab face these I don't feel there is much point us having counselling together.

one thing you said really struck me, that you don't need to forgive now but learn to move and on, I think that is where I am now, I believe we have a future together but that is for H to prove.

For everyone on this thread in a similar situation- we can support each other and move on in a positve way with our lives. Years ago soemone bpught me a poster and I will never forget what it said:

"I am a strong independent women still defying time,place and circumstance"

I take comfort from those words and they often inspire me.

Thanks again for understanding.
My H is still confused i think. He has a lot of anger and says he does not want to talk about it becasue it just reminds him of all the hurt he has caused. He is very withdrawn which makes me more susspicious. I just dont feel he is doing everything he can. H has agreed to go to conselling and so far that has been good but i think we need an intestive course of it to get us past a point.
I know i need to get to the point where i dont need him so much and should focus on me and the children more (havent even though about xmas which is not good!!).
I also think how can i love a man who has done this to me - is that normal?
Looking at him he seems so withdrawn and down it hurts me to think he is only doing this to punish himself - is this really what he wants? He seems to be only going through the motions and not really living (a bit like me at present). How long does this go on for? Any ideas as to how get the fun back a bit? We have tried a couple of dates but we end up talking about it again so both end up miserable again!!
Remembering the past to a point is ok but then that ends up in the present and all the hurt i feel comes back agian. I feel like everything is ruined and he feels helpless becasue he caused it. The future still feels too scary to think about but i know we both have though about being on our own. I am also worried that he is only staying as it is easier than going alone. The childcare arragements would make his job a lot harder if he had to stick to set arrangements ect - it is much easier to have a wife at home to do it all for him. Dont get me wrong he can be a fantastic dad (he just hasnt been for a while - he was emotionally not with us for about a year.
I just dont know how to handle it all - i dont want to push him away (yet if i do then he wasnt that willing to give it a go was he?), and i hate seeing him in so much pain but i also need my pain to be healed (but is it just a mans way to bury their heads and expect it to go away?)
I feel so weak and needy and that is not the person i want to be.
The same is for the PI i dont want to go down that route - i am surely better than that. It is just that if i got proved wrong a couple of times i would feel so much better.
Sorry its so long i am just so confused and not sure if what i am feeling is right only others who have been through it can answer that so thankyou all again.

Has he explained why he has so much anger?

I did have smilar thoughts with H, he stated he was going to stay at home on Christmas Day ( we are all supposed to be going to my mums)
when I asked why he said becasuse very one knew.
At this point i got angry, he made a choice to do what he did so he has to face the consequences, not hide away because he feels so silly and wants to try and save face, he realaised where I was coming from after this.

Is he willing to talk to you about the reasons why?

He has tried to explain but i think there is a lot of built up anger too - some from quite a way back too i think. He says that everything he has touched has been ruined and he doesnt know how to mend it all. I know he is exhusted and is trying to blot it all out with work which is making him more tired. I am just a bit worried that taking this route is an easier option at the moment than the leaving and having all the sorting out of that to do as well!!
It just doent feel right and although i know it will never feel the same again i want to know there is some hope and that we can get things back onto good times again. It is all about making new history together and going forward but for now it is so close behind us it is difficult to think far ahead.
He has also agreed to go to conselling for his anger as he knows it has been an issue before. I read somewhere that anger is not a true emotion it is just a cover for other things such as guilt and fear (this makes sense to me) but he needs to find what it is that he is feeling truely first.

Sorry I missed you on you relapse day maturer.I am having a week of it.
I know what the triggers are but they have all come at once and it hurts.1

1. I saw her at the supermarket at wanted to scream at her.She looked ugly,sad and scared.
2. went on to meet dh for lunch that day and have noticed that the secretary is going to work more done up than ever.It is just the two of them together all day.

3.Watched Love actually on Wednesday. That stupid married man who gets taken in by the office flirt.His wife asks him What would you do if you found out ..... Would you go or stay knowing it is always gonna be a little bit worse.

1. Watched Strictly confident last night and the two main characters have just started an affair.The bliss of it all and then they both felt guilty when they returned home.

God I am feeling really wobbly today. Talk some sense into me if you are about

hi all- overdraft thik how far you have come!!!
think of the now, how you all are as a family and take some comfort in the fact that SHE looked so down ( i don't neccessarily mean in a malitias sort of way) SHE wants what you have, your life-

You KNOW this is a bad day, you know the things that have triggered it- try to find some "us" time to talk to him about how you feel and what triggered it.

As for the secratary- well your dh has the benefit of hindsite now- he knows just what devistation can be caused if he were to follow that route, he also knows what he nearly threw away and that he would not in a million years get another chance. Despite what happened he wants to be with you - he knows he made a huge mistake and lives with the guilt and consiquences of it- one being how you feel today!!! It's his job now to make you feel better-let him in- let him try to do just that!

I'll try catch you longer over the wekend- gotto go out soon. Take care- don't bottle up- share the pain it is a grieving process and like grief it comes in waves!

hurtwife I mean to say- until your dh sorts his head out and comes to a conclusion about why he did what he did and learns to live with the guilt then he won't get out of this frame of mind.
he has to put some effort in I'd urge him to do some counselling by himself then he may (like my dh) start to talk to you and be totally honest.

Hang in there it is slow- it will never be the same but in time IT CAN be better!!!
My counsellor said perhaps if this had not happened you would have driffted into a mediocer way of life together for the rest of your days- now you know the extremes you will learn to cherish the simple things and make the most of each other- she was right!

pedilia- well done you pointed out the obvious to him- I remember well saying things to dh in the immediate aftermath thinking "how do you not see that?"
He was trying to take the route of denial- head in sand - but you are right he MUST face the consiquences- if he truely wants to make ammends then it's the least he can do- does he not think you feel similar and you did nothing wrong!!!!

moloko - honey i am so very sorry. maturer will offer you advice that i found very very comforting when i was in a similar position (ok not similar my dh was just a think with what is in his pants while i was 8 months pregnant a'hole and i found out about it) but that is water over the bridge.

my best advice is to grieve and dont bottle any of your feelings, your anguish or anger up. come here and let it all out. it doesnt feel better for a long time and then so slowly things improve. i cannot say it will ever be great but that pain that strangles your heart becomes less and less

ps - maturer, overdraft and all my old mates it is great to see your still here. ive missed you all. been doing stuff for me in the last 6 months. finally taken up showing horses again and it consumes all of my time but great for my soul xox

sorry here comes a hijack

Gravity - so nice to see you on the boards again. How are things?

hi sunnywong - is this your summer name? how are you?

things are plodding along here, i have made some personal changes which include horse riding and showing again. good for my soul...

but i still have my days where i cant forget what he did. and i still and never know why he did it. still hurts my heart. he has been so much nicer but its so long forgotten for him and not for me