ifidelity

[moloko]

My husband told me last night he had sex with another women when he was away. My baby is 16 month old i'm devastated what to do?

maturer - there is immense social and cultural pressure on people to be mongamous - most people blindly assume that monogamy is essential for a 'proper' relationship, and this is why things so often go wrong, because monogamy simply doesn't suit a lot of people
. Agree with you entirely that lies and deciet are wrong and that this is what often hurts more than who bumped uglies with who, though.

Honesty is the issue for me......people change, things we believed in move on we evolve......but if we can't be honest with the people we love then what's the poibnt of any type of relationship?

Thank you everybody for advice and support.
He went to STD clinic and they found trace of herpes. He was wearing condom. We went to doctor together and had 5 days of antibiotics. He did another test after the course and it came clear. So i had to deal with that as well. Made me very angry!!!!!!
There is no words to describe how i feel. But i'm trying to get over it day by day.
Friends ask me how am i and all i want to say to them how can i be after such a trauma? But i can't.
He told me because of the guilt he felt and he could not leave with it and to have a secret like that would kill him. His words.

blimmy that is an awful thing to cope with. I sent my dh for the tests too. He had unprotect sex with her.Which was another issue for me because he didn't give a shit about my sexual health either.

He had a condom on but herpes was on the side. Sometimes i think it good thing that happen to him. Doctor sad its very unlikly that i had it.

well I'm sure that has made him think twice about playing about again.Not very nice is it and you were lucky to not have it.I made dh say when he went to the clinic how he had had unprotected sex and had had an afair and he was extremly embarrased.I of course didn't have any sympathy either.

Well he felt he couldn't live with the secret but he didn't stop to think how you would live with the truth, did he now?

It's been a huge and very painful shock to you and I don't think you can expect to put it behind you as if it were nothing and move on quickly rebuilding your relationship. He has had time to think about it all and know what he wants. You need that time too.

I don't know if you will be able to trust and really like him again after this. I hope so since you want to save your marriage. I would find it very hard to do but I might be less flexible than you.

Just a quick practical note on sexual health - unfortunately condoms do not protect against herpes. People who have it should be honest about their status, though it is only really transmissible when you are having an outbreak - so people who are unsure of a new partner's status should cop a quick look at any new partner's naughty bits before engaging in contact.
Oh, and if you have herpes on your mouth ie a cold sore, don't put your mouth near any sensitive parts of another person till your cold sore has gone because you can transmit the virus that way...

Hi all

Thank you Maturer for putting things down again. I really look forward to seeing anything you put, I know that you are further down the line (timewise) with this than I am, and it helps to see it can be done. Do you ever panic! I get this now and again. Good reason as he did it 3 times (one offs) I know I need my head testing !! If I had been the perfect wife I would not have understood but I do and take some of the blame. Not completly as he made same vows I did, and he did not talk to me about how he felt, but I have to take some of the responsibility to how I made him feel (not much sex and some times a bit of a cow). Still thats enough of that. Love to all X Special hello to Moloko. Keep going!!

Ho janepain glad to hear you are still hanging in there.
To answer your question...yes I do still panic...that I'll never truely move on from this and also that he is seeing her still and has been and is still pulling the wool over my yese.That's the problem with trust , so easily broken so hard to then give again!However these panic attacks get less and less and i find if I actually talk to dh about them he reassures me.

Please remember he made the choices he made, you are not responsible for his actions. i understand what you say about "having a part in it" you do review your relationship and try to piece together the things that lead to him making his choices and you do find things you could have done differently HOWEVER he alwys had the ability to say no, to walk away. He always had the ability to sit you donw and say what was bothereing him in your relationship...he didn't do that he chose to have an affair, he's an adult and is acountable for his actions and the consequences of them.

The worst thing I find now is there are still times when I feel C**p about myself and he made me feel that way, the one person in the world who should make me feel good has let a cancer into our relationship and like cancer it's a long healing process. I don't regret the choices I made at the time to stay together but I do still ahve the odd day of despair that I'll not move on any futher (but if I look back at this time last year, or the year before,I see just how far we've come) You are still on a rollercoaster of emotions it slows down but it may be a long time before it stops.
Take care honey!

Maturer has some wise words. This particularly hit a note with me

Many of you have probably reached the point where you think "I did nothing wrong so why am I the one with the pain, why do I feel so bad? and he.....has closed the lid on that box and moved on!" It's slow but you can move on to don't give up. Give yourself sapce and time decluttet your lives and turn in on your family , find time for you and "us" time it can get better.

I wish I'd have known Maturer when I had my problems, I really needed someone who'd been there but wasn't involved. My mum was amazing and supported me thru it but to speak to a stranger about it who understand is therapy in itself.

I always look for threads maturer might post on as she is speak so much sense that I can relate to.

Everyone is different. I caught my DP snogging someone else when we were on holiday together, I was destroyed. How on earth folk cope with partners that sleep with prostitutes and have full blown affairs amazes me. What happened to us was just over a year ago now and up until a few months ago I woke up crying over it and everything reminded me of it (even down to the green top the girl was wearing?!) I still don't think I will ever truly get over it and that was 'just a snog'

If I ever met maturer she could have a pint on me!!!

Thanks Daisypops......but I only drink wine or vodka!!!!!!!

The "green top...."senario is oh so true, there are so many tiny stupid reminders that can still set me off into saddness land- eg a certain make of car, a song ,dates are the worst thing for me and her name ( I teach a child with that name....bless her if she knew what pain shoots through me every time I call this child out!!!), the unfair thing is that for my dh they mean nothing, he's managed to put it all out of his head and with the "lid on the emotional box" thing choses never to open it unless I force him to because I need to look at something again. I think as a woman you play the "video" in your head over and over until you make some sense of it and it stops hurting quite so much (it does with time)

Anyway glad it helps to share the experince...I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!

Maturer, a pint of vodka then ey?!

What you say about going thru it in your mind is true. I used to tell me my mum what happened that day from start to finish and she'd just listen, this was my way of getting my head round it I think. It devastated me to talk or think about it but I still put myself thru it now. The dates thing is also true, me and DP were meant to be getting married in July this year and as that date was getting closer I felt sick. I ended up going to see a therapist who helped loads. The green top scenario was awfl, I would wear or buy anything green for months. America is a place I don't really want to go to again and haloween also reminds me. DP always says 'you'll still be going on about it when your 80' and yes I probably will I was destroyed and I sympathise with anyone whos goes thru it.

Maturer-how do you deal with it when things trigger the memories, like songs and certain makes of car? LOADS of stuff reminded me it was a nightmare and still is although not as bad.

Ive only flicked throught this thread so hope not repeating anyone.My DH had 9 month affair over 7 years ago.We are still together and I guess I am over it, but I dont think I will forget it until the day I die.Sorry if that sounds melodramatic but it was the worst experience of my life and it made me very ill with depression for a couple of years.The shock beggars all description and I struggle to explain how it felt, but the words he used to tell me are burned onto my brain for ever. I am still feeling the effects now as my career was seriously affected. She tried to get back in touch with DH last year when she was taking a career break and was going away for 18mths.She sent a text asking if he wanted to meet for coffee for 'old times sake'.I found the text before he read it,just by chance (I dont check up on him TBH)I was tempted to delete it,but instead asked him about it.I dont think he has been seeing her or would have seen her - I can only think she is obsessive.She attempted suicide when he finsished it.Even I-with two children and a marriage-didnt try that stupid cow.(Sorry cant help it-I might love him but he definitley isnt worth that.)I definitely love him less,or perhaps I should say love him differently than I did before.I've never said it but I believe he knows this.He also treated me very badly in the aftermath he was annoyed I didnt want sex and said I wouldnt stop going on about it! There is so much I could say about what happened - I could go on for ever-just want to say I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy - except her of course - hahaha!

Just want to add - I kept it almost entirely to myself -only told a handful of friends,but I think others guessed.I kept it secret because I -of all things-was ashamed.thought peopel would think something wrong with me or pity me and I didnt want pity.I use to cry in public ALL the time.I work in city centre Manchester and would regulary sit down on benches and sob with complete strangers coming up to me,even the police once! One lovely gay guy had just been to the book shop-he gave me one of his books and wrote in it 'dont let the bastard get you down'.I still have it.And now there are tears in my eyes.

Morning guys.

Thanks again Maturer for your help. Your words have again struck a cord. Its a awful thing when I look at DH and cant quite take in that he could have done it to me, I feel so hurt that, that something, and I cannot put a word to it, has gone, that soulmate thing..something like that. He was a best mate who I cant trust any more and that makes me cry, something is lost!

I cry as I write this. Part of me is angry for staying, I feel week, but know I love him to much to let him go. Then another thought clicks in saying 'well he did not love me enough not to do what he did.

Maturer sorry, but I feel that he wants to leave it on move on, I can do that but I feel that I need him to know that the conversation is not closed and that I will need to have an open door on that. Does that make sense? Cant let him off scotch free I need to know all I need to know.

Sorry to go on. Will not read this back, too many tears to see. Hope makes sense. Hope this does bring anyone down or your Maturer.

Strength to all!

Daisypops- sometimes I don't deal with the memory joggers (I run somewhere qyiet and have a good cry!)
Other times I face them full on and try to look at whrere I am now what is happeneing now not what happened then.....things have changed and slowly we are moving forward. I'm a great believer in "face your demonds" get those thoughts and words out in the open talk them to death until they don't hurt so much any,more. That's why at the time it all happened I went to see her and her dh and her family-i was honest and open it mkaes it real and less scary...I knew I was the stronger person in the end (there are still days I wish I'd just "lamped her one" but really thta's not me and I wouldn't have felt any better!!!!!)

A short time after it was alll out in the open my dh was clearing out his car, he came across some cd's she'd given him (he'd forgetten he had them, couldn't remeber what they were about...that's how much they meant to him really!!!) anyway he could have hidden them orhtron them away, i'd never have known but he didn't he gave them to me...the no more secrets mantra!
You know I played them over and over until they stopped hurting me...I still cringe if I hear them (he's not even aware they are significant) butit hurst less each time.

So I do think it helps to talk it all out a much as you need to ( he may not fully understand but if he truely wants to help you he'll be there for you)

howsoonisnow......I've been that person crying on the bench too and there are a few of us...thanks for sharing it helps us all. Take care.

Thanks maturer. The therapist I saw said when your thoughts run away with you, you ave to reel them back in hence the saying 'pull yourself together' when I start going over it in my head I stop myself and think about where we are now, although it is very hard.

After I caught my DP in the act I packed my suitcase and my Dad booked me a flight home from USA to UK. I sobbed throughout the whole flight. The poor woman next to me must've wondered what was wrong, but then she started to mother me so I she must've felt sorry for me.

Why is is that the men get over it so quick? DP didn't even know this girls name and says it was irrelevant to him but it took over my life for ages!

Your a brave woman going to see her and her DH. I had to leave America because I feared I would injure her if I happened to see her again and DP certainly wouldn't have been safe!!!

Daisypops, for what its worth I think they put it behind quickly because as was with my situation DP had been carrying it around along time, guilt and all then through telling me I took on the mantle of having the load. If that makes sense, cant seem to put words down as well as I could, it all tumbles out.
Maturer, sorry , felt bad that I did not acknowledge your strength in your last post. You are very strong, I hope you had people to help you through it as you are us. Thanks.

Soz I should add, that you do have to think about what happened and face it. The therapist I saw said 'reel your thoughts back in and train yourself to stop doing it' but she said this after I'd suffered for 6 months and the thoughts were taking over my life. Maturer, do you fully trust your DH? I 100% trusted my DP but now I'd say only 70% trust him. Just like howsoonisnow something is gone and probably won't come back and I love him differently, probably not as deeply as I did before. Do you feel like this?

I won't ever trust my dp 100% anymore.I have too ways of dealing with this.
Someone on here gave me this.Trust is something within you and it does not make my partner behave a different way because of how much you trust.I trusted my dh 100% and he cheated on me.So what diference does it make how much you trust.Does that make sense.I don't mean I am going to live the rest of my life checking up on him on going through his pockets every time he comes home.That is not healthy for my mental health.I try not to put to much on the trust thing.
My friend said to me once that in a way I am extremly lucky for this to have happened and I agree.This was the worst thing I could ever imagine happening to us and the thing I feared the most apart from death of dh.We have now been there and come through the other side stronger.My dh was also in a mess when this happened and I now know that he really truely loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.We both never want to revisit that time in our lives.I now live without that fear.Hope that all made sense

Hi Overdraft Makes perfect sense. Like those thoughts, will put them in the old grey matter for another time. The only killer for me is DH did this 3 times and I am desperatly looking for some thought that gets me passed that. The only thing I can come up with is that at least he did'nt go. Let me try to put you in the picture. I knew something was coming ,bad news, I thought he was going to tell me he no longer loved me and wanted to part. When he told me I said that that was the best of the two options I thought were facing me. 1. No longer loves me 2. Been else where. I could not fight the no longer loves me but could try to work through the 2nd option. Hope clear. But then I beat myself with a stick and go "you week person" he messed around 3 times!!!! Then I go round and around again!!

janepain it's not weakness it's strength. You're obviously in a position where the good things you share with your partner outweigh the need to worry about where he sticks his d*ck, so good on you.
Strongly recommended reading (OK, there's a certain amount of american therapisty gufff in it but the core of the book is so sound) The Ethical Slut by Easton & Liszt.

Ok, for those of you who are in horrible pain and an acute crisis situation , the book won't help and will just madden you, but for everyone else it contains stuff well worth thinking about.

madamez I googled that book.I don't think that people who have affairs are really swingers who just haven't asked the other persons permission first.Not wishing to knock swingers or people who have open realationships but that is their choice.

Oh dont mis understand me Madamez I do care where he puts his D--k, and he knows it! Told him from news onwards it puts it anywhere else and he goes. Told him he needs to talk to me if things are wrong. I am in horrible pain! But I will have a look at book see if helps, any straw!!!