ifidelity

[moloko]

My husband told me last night he had sex with another women when he was away. My baby is 16 month old i'm devastated what to do?

moloko good for you, go for it. If I can help in anyway let me know. Gut feelings are a good help of how to deal with it. Your Husband will be depressed help him by all means, please remember though to put yourself 1st. I started to spare my husbands feelings knowing he was going through hell but realised that I had needs/fears and needed to address them.I have become so strong almost to the stage that he had to take what I had to say even if it was not what he wanted to hear For me it was better out than festering away. You need to take charge of you/feelings and needs. I hope that makes sense . Smile

hi,moloko.
i read the first few messages on this thread and cried as i'm going through something similar myself.my hubbie has also been "unfaithful" in a slightly different way (you may have read my thread recently).
your sentiments are the same as mine though.
you still love him and you can't see life without him.
mine is still very fresh in my mind too (discovere it 3 weeks ago) and i've been through every emotion i think one person can possibly feel:hurt,anger,disgust etc.
what we decided in the end is that we still love each other (OK, i know nothing is ever certain) and that we want to be together and not just for the kids but because we can't bear to be apart. the fact that he told you,i think,at least means he wants to get over that guilt and get on with his life with you. i hope you can work through this. but i really do know how you're feeling at the moment:"I never thought it would happen to me either"

hi imnota i think talkig to other mnt really help you realize there is soo many women with all sort of problems and you share and your pain becomes less. My dh follows me like ds after work and calls me 15 times a day (drives me insane) he definatly need therapy. You can almost lugh throu the tears! I do question myself from time to time why??!!! but i don"t know and he doesn't know the answer so we have to move on. Do you ask youself why? Still no sex just can't.

Oh Moloko sorry to read about your troubles. My ex was unfaithful when my dd was 6 weeks old. I threw him out then got back together... but i never really trusted him 100% again. However he had a longish affair, not a one-nighter. I think I would prob be able to forigve that, but everyone is different. Have you thought about going to relate or some kind of couple therapy? Sounds like he needs therapy esp if he has depression...
You are not alone, there are so many women who have been through what you have been through. In fact I would say at least 50% if not more. Keep posting if it helps...

Thank you bluejelly sorry to hear that you too had a problem and it does help!!
We thought about counselling but i think he needs therapy more then we are as a family. We always talked. I never had any secrets from him and our sex life was always great. I do think that it will be in the back of my mind. But at the moment i try to forget it and move on.

hi
I am sorry to hear what you are going through.I am working at it with my husband too after he had an affair.I have to make lunch for dd and will be back in 10 mins if you are still there

Hi,
im 4 months or so from finding out about my dps affair and i will say its the hardest thing i have ever had to do and im finding each day a struggle but it is getting easier, if your dp is remorseful and wants to work at things then this can only be a good sign, i also have a 18 month old and am 29 weeks pregnant so my hormones could have a lot to do with how im feeling, if you need to chat just say ok

Hi all- it is good to share experiences and also sad that so many of us have had the same/similar experience.
I know I only "pop up" on threads about affairs and sometimes I think I should stop going on about it (after all it's nearly 3 years) BUT it was the most traumatic experience of my life so far- so out of the blue, so unexpeceted there are still times I can't belive it happened. I am glad to hear that putting my thoughts down can help some- you can survive this but it's slow and painful. Time is a huge healer provided you get all the "demonds" out in the open ( and it took a while for my dh to realise that and be totally honest) I agree with the comment trust your instincts-if you feel you have something worth fighting for then do just that.
My dh is out with a friend at the moment who's just split from his wife (she had the affair_ he's devistated and my dh in my respects is reliving our "dark days" he keeps saying "I'm so glad you are you and we are still together- I nearly blew it big time"
He doesnow appreciate family life more and we are closer (but there are ays I freak out again and it all floods back...he knows he caused it and has to try to listen and put it right)- these are less and less- the good days are more and more.
You will find you are infact the stronger person and in time he will realise you stopped the marriage falling apart- I'm convinced it's men of a certain age.....they lose the plot then eventually realise what they are really looking for they already have!!!! just as long as they've not destroyed that before they come to their senses!

mummybump I often think of you and wonder how you are doing. Glad to here that you are getting there and are not giving up

Maturer we were wondering where you have been. Thought you had dissapeared

thank you maturer and everyone. it so good to share. Sometimes i feel fine and happy at other times i have this sick feeling in my stomack and just want to cry and cry.
I still can't get over the fact that it happened to me i thought i done everything wright being a good wife and mother. And can't stop question myself is it me?
How can you hurt anyone who has a full trust and love in you? The guilt will kill me. And I'm sure by telling me he is easing himself of feeling this constant guilt. (don't know if i get it wright)

its not about you getting it right.I know when you feel at your worst you do think well what di i do? it is about him and how he feels about himself and sadly nothing to do with you.it is hard to understand.I still get that sick feeling now sometimnes and it is over a year on.it is early days.keep talking on here.I am typing with one hand sorry

Hi overdraft, thanks for asking ( sorry for the thread jack everyone) im doing ok id say out of 24 hours i probably only think of it for 5 of them, its not easy but dp is doing everything he can to make things right between us, i dont know if it is going to work still but i do know that we both love each other enough to try so thats a start isnt it.
Thinking of you moloko and i hope things turn out well for you

Hi Moloko, just read this thread and wanted to see how you are. I went thru something similar with DP last year and it is truly horrendous. I can relate to exactly what maturer is saying. It was the most traumatic time of my life too and I think you got thru lots of different emotions. My mum was a great support to me and I remember her saying you go thru phases, you're shocked, then you feel sorry for yourself, then you hate them, then you miss them, then you grieve and it goes on and on and on. I was completely devastated, couldn't face anyone but my mum, didn't want to go out and couldn't see past the hour. I also remember the agony aunt on This Morning saying 'life with them seems like a waste, but without them its a wasteground'. Only you knows if its worth fighting for. I threw my DP out, but we are now back together and happy. I don't trust him 100% but I remember how terrible I felt without him in my life and I just get on with it. For months after it happened I'd wake up in the night and just cry, I lost loads of weight and was just empty. To this day I can't believe it happened to us. Its something I will never honestly get over, but you have to look forward, whats done is done. Let us know how you go on.x

Just another thought Moloko. I think you said your DH can't drink unless your there (or something similar) we tried this as DP was also drunk when he misbehaved. It didn't work. He started to say I was trying to rule him and if he wanted to drink he'd drink. He now goes out alone but in moderation and we have certain rules that we both agree before he goes out. I think if DP/DH's cheat and we stay with them they should expect some form of 'discipline' to help us get over it. Same old story 'ale goes in and senses go out' Oh how many times I've said that. Let me know if you want to e-mail. x

thank you daisypops. I just feel very tired and don't want to see anyone at all everybody just getting on my nerves. I just want to build my shell and never get out of it. www.mumsnet.com/te/3.gif

Moloko, I couldn't face going out or seeing anyone either, its normal to feel like that. Let me know how you are going on. Thinking of you. x

Another thought Moloko, I remember only ever been 'at peace' and not tormented when I was asleep, but I didn't want to sleep because I couldn't bear waking up and facing all the emotions and feelings again the next day. It didn't get easier for months. I'm not trying to make you feel worse I just wanted to get across that its a long process and in a way are grieving but time DOES heal. Everyone (except my mum) used to tell me to leave DP and move on, its not as easy as that when you love someone and I always said I would NEVER take a patner back if he cheated, I did, and I lost my best friend in the process, a lot of other people can't understand either, but the choice is yours and you need to keep yourself happy. I don't regret giving DP a chance but it will be the only one he gets! Your DP needs to give you lots of reassurance to help you. x

Another thought Moloko, I remember only ever been 'at peace' and not tormented when I was asleep, but I didn't want to sleep because I couldn't bear waking up and facing all the emotions and feelings again the next day. It didn't get easier for months. I'm not trying to make you feel worse I just wanted to get across that its a long process and in a way are grieving but time DOES heal. Everyone (except my mum) used to tell me to leave DP and move on, its not as easy as that when you love someone and I always said I would NEVER take a patner back if he cheated, I did, and I lost my best friend in the process, a lot of other people can't understand either, but the choice is yours and you need to keep yourself happy. I don't regret giving DP a chance but it will be the only one he gets! Your DP needs to give you lots of reassurance to help you. x

Hi
Just wanted to see how you were Moloko. Hope you have a good day, as we know each day is like a roller coaster on the emotional side.

Hello all, how's everyone coping?
Moloko so glad to hear you are giving it a go, it's ceratinly not the easy option and only time and how your dh now acts will tell ig you can move on from this. I hesitate to say "get over" this as quite simply I don't think you ever do- what you can do is make some sense of what happened and some peace in your mind with time patience and lots of open talking.
You will have days where you hit rock bottom again and the pain will seem as fresh as if it were happening again. Try to share those feelings with your dh, he needs to see what he's done and to understand the " grieving " process you are now going through.
I recall about this time last year I had a major relapse- felt in dispair, felt I'd always feel as sad and emotional about it as I was feeling then, I questioned if I ever would move on any futher...is this it, is thia me now? always with this black cloud over me, never quite relaxed, never fully comfortable in my dh presence. The trouble is the emotions you go through are so powerful, they consume you, every minute, every little thing you see or hear sends a link to the thoughts of your dh's affair.

At the time i'd been out of counselling for a while and thought I can't go back...what more could I say..I've talked it out completely.I went for a couple of reiki sessions ( not sure I follow all that stuff but someone suggested it)
It's all about inner healing and letting go of your pain....still not sure if it did help or if just doing something to jolt me onwards was the trick; but I did slowly start to think less and less about the painful things. I also found I'd made a decision not to let the pain take over and to try to look forwards more than back.

You reach a point where you are exhausted with thinking about it and you don't want the pain to define you.......it's almost like such intense emotions are so hard to let go of you forget how it was to be normal and happy again. My dh actions have helped he is doing all the right things, constantly reassuring me, making time for us, listening and talking when I need to (even though he'd happily never mention the subject again)

Many of you have probably reached the point where you think "I did nothing wrong so why am I the one with the pain, why do I feel so bad? and he.....has closed the lid on that box and moved on!" It's slow but you can move on to don't give up. Give yourself sapce and time decluttet your lives and turn in on your family , find time for you and "us" time it can get better.

Take care all.X

While I sympathise with the distress many of you are suffering here, there is another way of looking at the whole issue.
Which is that monogamy is not compulsory, not necessary and in fact everyone would be a whole lot better off if people didn't feel forced into monogamous relationships. OK, for some people it's madly important, but for others it's just not that big a deal. For instance, some mums might feel that, just after the birth, they don't fancy sex at all and it would actually be a relief if partners went and had a bit of fun elsewhere. If people are honest with each other and care about each other, what's wrong with coming to that sort of arrangement?
I'm not advocating a licencse to do exactly what one likes with no regard for other people's feelings: a monogamy-free life means you have to take a lot more care about how you treat other people and be honest, polite and compassionate.

Just another way of looking at things.

How did this come up Moloko?

I'm just wondering why he told you about it. Not that I am suggesting you should have secrets from each other but this was so obviously going to hurt you. If it was just a one-off encounter with a prostitute while he was very drunk on holiday, he could have kept it to himself. Did he want to provoke you in some way, do you think? Does he feel taken for granted and want you to fight for him? Do you see what I mean?

I think it's extremely unfair to foist that information on yo. He should bear it and the guilt himself for something that probably didn't mean much at the time. So now he gets you to forgive him and sees he can get away with it. I don't imagine it mattered very much to him and it doesn't have to to you, although of course it will feel like that.
First thing you need to insist is that he goes to an STD clinic and gets tested and gives you the results. Then insist he uses condoms for the next 3 months or however long it takes for the HIV virus etc to work through.

Then if you feel you want to make him go to marriage counselling with you or talk about it or just choose to let it drop.

Interesting vien point madamez and I appreciate you are throwing it in to spark debate.
However I would take issue with you suggesting people are "forced into a monogomus relationship".
The issue for most who Ive come across in similar situations is not so much the sex...although that's bad enough it's the betrayal, the breach of promise, the deceipt and the total disrespecting of you that goes along with that act of sex.

My dh entered into the promise..our marriage vows freel, eagrly and expecting me to honour them too (he even says now he couldn't cope if I went with someone else!)

I appreciate there are relationships where monogamy is not an issue and they work but usually both parties have agreed to this and know where they stand,
An interesting one to debate though!