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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH pressuring me to get an au pair

36 replies

ihateexercise · 01/10/2006 20:48

DH is pressurising me to get an au pair. I don't feel happy having someone living in my house and I feel my role as mother is undermined by having an other woman in the house. I know it sounds silly but I know I would have feelings of jealousy if my children (daughter 3 son 10 months)started looking to someone else for love, comfort, entertainment.
Dh uses threat of au pair as a way of avoiding me asking for more help from him. So if I ask for more he'll say 'if we had an au pair....'. What to do, any tips?

OP posts:
wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 02/10/2006 01:01

This is easy get a male au pair

Alibaldi · 02/10/2006 03:50

Second that get a male au pair. I would have killed for help and I am no seriously looking at getting an au pair in next year when I hopefully get back to work. Is the au pair to help you during the day - do you work or are you a SAHM? If you're at home, just get someone to come in three times a week, to clean, iron, wash, tiday and maybe prepare meals for you.

SittingBull · 02/10/2006 04:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Somanybabyseagulls · 02/10/2006 09:20

If your dh is trying to opt out of helping why not consider getting a cleaner and someone to do the ironing rather than an au pair.

Original poster
ihateexercise · 02/10/2006 09:35

Thanks for idea of male au pair. Problem is i'm a sahm and just don't feel we need any more help- someone already comes to help with cleaning tidying, cooking etc. and looks after kids when I work from home. What dh wants is someone who will help with kids at weekend so he doesn't have to help me. He says he's working so hard all week he just wants a break at weekend- well why did you have kids? I feel like saying, but boat is too rocky anyway, don't want to rock it further. I just don't know if I could handle someone else living with us- our house is not large, but have to keep dh happy- dilemma! any more ideas?

OP posts:
stitch · 02/10/2006 09:37

use the aupaair for cleaning and cooking. not childcare.
and have some confidence in yourself

KellyKrueger1978 · 02/10/2006 09:41

it sounds like he needs to learn to enjoy the children again, it isn't just about needing help. You should be enjoying doing things with the children together as a family. I think ideally you need to agree some plans sduch as to do soemthig with the children on saturdays and then take it un turn in having a break on sundays or something like that. YOU work hard all week too, you also need a break.

colditz · 02/10/2006 09:41

You do not have to keep your husband happy. Why would you have to do that? He is an adult, capable of making himself happy. You esponsability lies with your children and to a lesser degree, as a SAHM (IMO) the house.

I would definately say get a male AU pair - if your husband is uninvolved with his childen, it may do them good to have a man around.

BTW a lot of Au Pairs expect weekends off, so this may not be the solution he feels it to be.

He may also change his mind when Julio arrives

RnB · 02/10/2006 09:43

Message withdrawn

Pollyanna · 02/10/2006 09:44

Maybe yOu could get a live out au pair - this is more expensive, but then you could get the help if necessary.

Original poster
ihateexercise · 02/10/2006 10:08

I was a mumsnet virgin till last night, it's so great to get advice from others, with no vested interest or competition! Thank you for all your tips- they're all really useful. What does IMO mean and BTW?
Kellykrueger You're so right about spending more time with the children. When we do do things together it is great until baby starts screaming or toddler starts fussing- then he gets so annoyed, it's like he just can't cope with it. So i feel like i have to keep them 'perfect' to keep him happy and helping!
MAle au pair idea is good, proabbaly best to meet him first, noone too fit or creepy! Love the idea of Julio! Maybe a Brad or a Robbie!
Can one still lark around and do silly dancing and be a twit with an au pair around? Will toddler stop playing on her own and want individual playing with all the time because someone else is in house available? I'm scared that I'll start competive entertaining of children so they want to be with me not wildly fun and jolly Slovakian youth who loves endless doll role play and joins in with play dough for hours on end.

OP posts:
KellyKrueger1978 · 02/10/2006 10:12

imo - in my opion
btw - by the way

If he can't cope with the screaming then he needs to elarn how to. Can you think of any situations where it is less likely that there will be screaming to build up upon?
You really can't be pussyfooting around trying to keep them happy for him, that is the start of a downhill struggle. You have very young children and it is hard, they do scream and tantrum and are very demanding. But asking him to deal with that for a few hours a week isn't askign too mcuh. You need to talk together and find strategies for dealing with it when they start kicking off.

RnB · 02/10/2006 10:17

Message withdrawn

admylin · 02/10/2006 10:21

My sympathy, I know the feeling. My dh can't stand noise even though he is mostly out at work, on the rare occasion that he is at home we have to busy ourselves or go out.
Now the kids are older it isn't so bad but when they were small I had to make such an effort to keep them quiet that I was exhausted. If I had the chance I would have had an aupair to just go out for walks or sit at a play ground with them (I hate play grounds).
I did try to get dh to change and accept but it just didn't work out - his family told me he was always like that. I still felt it was unfair towards the kids though, I think kids should be allowed to shout and scream and even fight with each other, it is all part of growing up and interacting with each other.

EnidMyers · 02/10/2006 10:25

you poor women

I would tell my dh to go stuff himself if he moaned about the kdis noise all the time

do not get an au pair

tell him to pull himself together

EnidMyers · 02/10/2006 10:26

he'll proablby end up shagging her

sorry but you sound as though you have quite major problems in your marriage

KellyKrueger1978 · 02/10/2006 10:27

I started off with a dp who didn't like noise and couldn't copw withy mess etc. If all got horribly out of control. I would be very wary of allowing it, children do have a right to be children, don't let their dad take that away fromt hem.

colditz · 02/10/2006 10:29

Your husband sounds like a dick, sorry. Kids make noise and if he cannot deal with it, he should have worn a condom.

SSSandy · 02/10/2006 10:40

Mine's a bit like yours, works long hours and is flaked out knackered all weekend. If I try to involve him, his answer is always oh pay the cleaner to come another day as well or something like that. He just throws it back into my court. Men can be so comfortable and lazy about dc. Imagine if we behaved the same way. Do know how you feel. Dh is a master at avoiding work of any kind around the home but I can sometimes get him to take dd off to the zoo on Saturdays. He takes her swimming on Sundays while I play tennis now but it wasn't always that way.

LucyLemon · 02/10/2006 11:59

I sympathise with your situation as I have been through something similar. We had lots of other issues too and I ended up leaving....we lived overseas and had loads of domestic help as I worked full-time but it was his general attitude towards us as a family that pushed me over the edge. He thought the nanny should stay on all weekend and I didn't. I loved being with my dd's after a busy week and he saw it as hard labour. Arse. As I say, there were lots of issues too mostly regarding his behaviour and lack of respect for me.

He was never going to change so I felt I would be better off by myself with my two lovely dd's. So here I am 2 years later with a lovely dp and a much more relaxed and equal household. We're pretty strapped for cash but sod it, we're happy.

It sounds as though you're sticking with your relationship though so will not push the case for singledom!

You wouldn't be comfortable with someone else living in the house so an au-pair isn't the answer.

However, he's not going to change unless you have a major ruckus and you want to avoid that.

I guess the answer is just to get on with it. Sounds awful but you don't want extra outside help, he refuses to help you, you don't want a row about it.....

Unhelpful I know but there you go.

ks · 02/10/2006 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

admylin · 02/10/2006 15:15

LucyLemon, your advice is pretty much the way I handle it and if I feel dh is pushing his luck too far then I certainly let him know it.
Men are alot like children and in quite a few indirect ways you can get them to do what you want without having a fight about it. My dh doesn't even notice when he has been indirectly manipulated! I think it has to be really bad or you haveto be very strong to walk out, so respect to you.

sleepfinder · 02/10/2006 16:57

I strongly recommend an ugly au pair / nanny - preferably heavy set.

Judy1234 · 02/10/2006 18:08

I have never had anyone live in and I've worked full time since my daughter was born 22 years ago. I wouldn't have wanted someone else in the house, seeing us in our private time. It's a big issue. Don't give in. We always had a nanny who came each day. When the 4th/5th children were born and my ex husband was working most of the weekends I got someone to come in on Sat and Sun morning which I know is very rare but it worked great for us. I could spend time with one or 3 of the other children whilst she had the youngest two. It also could have meant (had we been able to tolerate each other's company) my ex husband and I could have had half days alone or child free. Not every parent does want to spend 12 hours a day on Sat and Sunday with their chidlren. I don't. I need some breaks so it's been helpful having that childcare and knowing I get that time to do admin, yesterday drove my son to university etc.

It sounds like he just doesn't want to do so much with the children at the weekend. I don't think we can easily change people. Small children are very hard work so either you do more with the children at the weekends without him or find some other solution. At one stage I took the youngest to the gym, they went in the creche for 2 hours and I slept. It was my most special 2 hours of the week and I wasn't burdening their father with them either.

monkey · 02/10/2006 18:58

basically, This seems similar to what we had -

  1. he doesn't want to help around the house
  1. He knows you can't or shouldn't have to do it all
  1. so he's prepared to pay to fullfil the above 2 criteria.

The only problem is you don't agree with the actual solution he's offered (au pair)
So choose something you are ok with, eg cleaner, mothers help, part-time live out au pair, lots of baby sitting

I tried a cleaner, not happy. Then ...

I had a girl come to help me. Basically like au pair, she would do cleaning, general housework, go shopping for me, babysitting etc. By 5 pm she'd be off home, leaving me to peace & quiet (as much as you get with k3 ids). I would've hated someone there every day - I got her to come 2 days a week & this was enough, and really hated someone there evenings too. Was fantastic, could pop out onmy own, take 1 or 2 of kids swimming, or she'd come & we'd take all 3 swimming etc etc

I understand his point of view (all 3 above), so you just need to find the formula you are comfortable with, cos at end of day, you'll be dealing with her/him mostly, not dh

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