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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ok...im obsessed!

112 replies

shade101 · 16/10/2014 23:28

I seriously have no clue whatsoever on what to do.

Met an absolute gorgeous man in a party, right away the chemistry between us was unbelievable. He literally wouldn't take his eyes off me. So, after party, we kissed, exchanged contacts and we parted ways. I couldn't stop thinking about him all week(yes we were texting and all).
Second week, date and clubbing. We kissed and i couldn't resist spending the night with him. I never wanted a shag cause i was scared he'd abandon me after, so i was honest with him that i have trust and insecurity issues from my past and he suggested we have a "teaser!) Smile and take things slow.

Holy Moses! did i ever hear from him again?? No. I'm fuming, confused, in-love, obsessed and I don't know what on earth I should do about it. He ignored a couple of my calls and texts...its been 2wks now. I just want him back, perhaps for a full shag and call it off.I need to finish what we started.
Pleeease tell me the hell I should do....i feel like I've lost it all. He never said why he just wont talk to me. Anything I could message him to get him just to talk? Its crushed my self esteem, I cant move on until I get what I want. May be i have a problem.....who knows. Shit, I'm fucked. Sad Sad

OP posts:
helpmekeepstrong · 17/10/2014 00:33

Will have to focus on my paintings as of tomorrow. Wasted alot of time thinking about someone who doesn't care about my feelings.

Quite so. Flowers

LosingAllTheLego · 17/10/2014 06:19

Ok (hard hat on here!)

If I met someone at a party, had a good time and then on a proper date they told me they had trust issues it would put me off a lot and I'd probably decide to cut my losses. And them keeping on texting me would just confirm that it's more hassle than its worth.

And the way you've been gushing over this guy - amazing chemistry, showered you with love etc - it's very unlikely that you haven't come on strong, if not in person then in your texts.

Honestly I think you need to work on your self esteem a bit alone because looking to other people in this way for value will keep ending badly for you.

DollStar · 17/10/2014 06:24

Going through this myself...my advice NC. Hes a twat, and probably has more on the go that do put out

Secretblackandmidnighthag · 17/10/2014 06:31

I'm with losing I'm afraid. This guy probably wanted a bit of fun/a shag, and that's fine - but perhaps decided to back off after the 'I'm very insecure/have trust issues' talk so early on. Some people don't want to deal with that. That's life! No doubt he really fancied you, but wasn't up for something serious.

FunkyBoldRibena · 17/10/2014 06:37

He might not be a twat. Just someone eho met someone else that was far far more into him than he was into her.

You probably scared him with all your reasoning and discussion at a point before it was needed.

WildBillfemale · 17/10/2014 06:45

so i was honest with him that i have trust and insecurity issues from my past

On your first date?!!! there's your answer, you've put him off and I'm not surprised.

It was one date - move on and don't invest so much into a fantasy over someone you barely know, you sound about 17.

forumdonkey · 17/10/2014 07:03

I'm in a similar situation with the time frame and disappearing act except it was an ex who contacted me and we have history and a lot of feelings because of it. I cancelled a date to meet him (that never happened) so I gave him a week and just picked up my life where I left off and am back to the date I cancelled.

Trust me OP, the only person he is thinking about and cares about is himself and do you want to be second in the life of someone who is the centre of their own universe and spending your time massaging their ego because that is what you'll end up doing with him because I bet he will make out he's such a sensitive soul.

Secretblackandmidnighthag · 17/10/2014 07:09

Ummm, you might be projecting there just a bit, forum.

This guy is getting such a slating, for what? He meets a girl in a club, fancies her. Meets her again, they go back to his, and don't shag- but instead she tells him all about how insecure and needy she is. He, on reflection thinks 'I'm not that into her.' Responds to a few texts and phonecalls and then starts ignoring. I don't know if he'd even be aware that there's something to officially 'finish', would he? It wasn't even remotely a relationship!

HellBoundNothingFound · 17/10/2014 07:12

His actions have been clear. Just take time and you'll get over it, it's happened to the best of us.

Chin up, crack on

forumdonkey · 17/10/2014 07:20

LOL you may be right there secret, but in my defense I have history rather than it be a 2 date thing.

However it would take less than a minute to text to say he's not bothered.

Nerf · 17/10/2014 07:22

Agre with last few posters. First date , you tell him all your issues, do some weird half shag and are surprised he backs off? When I was dating I just wanted to have fun to start with, not hear about possible problems before I'd even seen more than one shirt they owned!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/10/2014 07:28

What happened here from the pov of cynical me

He turned on the charm to get you interested. The staring into each other's eyes, mesmerised shtick is easily faked, I've seen it done many times.

You met up in a club. Not date territory. He was hoping for a dance and a shag. You were hoping for feelings and the start of a relationship.

You went too full on about trust issues and it became too much like hard work for a guy who only really wanted a shag.

He's tried to blow you off with no contact and you haven't taken the hint - that will make him even less likely to contact you, again, because he's a player who only wanted a shag.

You need to stop projecting what you thought this guy was about and look at his actions. He wasn't your great love in waiting, he wasn't a decent guy. End of story.

GhettoFabulous · 17/10/2014 07:33

I don't see that he did anything wrong. You seem weirdly intense - if a man behaved the way you did, I'd not want to keep in contact either.

If you're going to date, loosen up and toughen up. You weren't in a relationship and he doesn't owe you anything.

Nerf · 17/10/2014 08:22

Sorry, really not getting all the criticism of the bloke. Why label him as just wanting a shag etc? If when we'd met, I'd started telling dh my issues about relationships on the first date I'm not sure we'd have ended up together. People don't need complicated when they've just met you.

BeCool · 17/10/2014 10:15

Nerf I think it is because after OP told him about her issues (which was to take the pressure off from having sex, slow down, I don't want to have sex with you this early on etc) he then pressured her into a "teaser" (fucking hell I've never heard of this before - but surely it is ment to be a preamble for full on sex at a later stage), and then he never contacted her again, leaving the OP feeling pretty rubbish.

Sure the OP over shared too early, but pestering someone until they agree you can put your cock into them to feel what is like (yuk), and then disappearing, isn't exactly the behaviour of a nice guy.

SelfLoathing · 17/10/2014 10:37

but pestering someone until they agree you can put your cock into them to feel what is like (yuk)

Is that what a "teaser" is????

I've never heard that expression before. I thought it just meant a bit of fooling around, foreplay with no sex.

God! What a vile expression and what a vile thing to ask of someone.

NoMarymary · 17/10/2014 10:41

DH once said to me men will do and say anything to get sex and sadly I have to admit he is probably right.

Don't contact him, move on and learn the lesson.

IrianofWay · 17/10/2014 10:44

"There is also the possibility that he is in a relationship."

Occurred to me too Hmm

Original poster
shade101 · 17/10/2014 10:46

Ok, this is exactly what I shoulda said in the first place...thanks BeCool I think it is because after OP told him about her issues (which was to take the pressure off from having sex, slow down, I don't want to have sex with you this early on etc) he then pressured her into a "teaser" (fucking hell I've never heard of this before - but surely it is ment to be a preamble for full on sex at a later stage), and then he never contacted her again, leaving the OP feeling pretty rubbish.

I'm wrong for opening up on a second date, but he could have had some respect to talk and say "sorry I'm not that into you, and not ready for anything. Having said that, we'd had a few drinks over the night. I guess I tried to not shag on a second date....but unfortunately it all ended up awfully on my part. (back to finish my today's painting) Sad

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 17/10/2014 10:46

DH once said to me men will do and say anything to get sex and sadly I have to admit he is probably right.

Watch and learn:

Original poster
shade101 · 17/10/2014 10:50

Thank you all for advice, feeling alot better than prior to my post. And I'm not 17Hmm I guess I'm just confused and i come across like a "teen-in-love" Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
shade101 · 17/10/2014 10:58

Thank you for the video SelfLoathing ! Absolutely hilarious....must say its pathetic for men to do all sorts just for sex?! Hmm

OP posts:
loloftherings · 17/10/2014 11:01

Agree with most of the posters on this page.
He was interested in you, not faked, yet you scared him off by being weird.

Original poster
shade101 · 17/10/2014 11:03

wierd ? Thanks lolo

OP posts:
BeCool · 17/10/2014 11:03

shade I have learnt a lot from MN re relationships. I can imagine in the past being in a similar situation to you here. Bloody awful.

These days however I know that whatever I want is fine. I don't have to go into great detail about why I wouldn't want to sleep with someone. Any guy who is genuinely keen wouldn't be put off by that. And it will weed out those who just want sex. Nothing wrong with that if it is what you want too but never feel pestered into sex. And recognise pestering for the disrespectful act it is.

My point is you don't need to justify why you don't want to sleep with someone. Better an air of mystery than over sharing especially early on.

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