He's fucking secretly drinking.... again.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I'm so fed up with it. I grew up with an alcoholic father and I can't put my ds through it.

He's been seeing a drinks counsellor and I've been so proud of him. He got off his backside and went and spoke to Drinksense about 3 months ago and he's been going along to counselling since. He did it because he wanted to save our marriage.

Tonight after a few minutes in his company i got that sinking feeling in my stomach and i knew instantly he's had a drink and it was probably vodka or red wine, not just a beer. We've been here a hundred times so i didn't feel up to a big showdown, him denying it and me getting angrier and angrier. So i just left the room saying i can't be bothered if he can't and i'm sitting alone upstairs trying to get my head around where we go from here. He knows i know and will be getting his denial head on ready to tell me how hard he's trying and i need to trust him and how hurt he is that i don't believe he's not drinking.

I love him and i know he loves me. He's not an aggressive drunk and is the loveliest man in every other way. Is this what it will always be like living with someone with a drink problem? My son loves his daddy so much but every time he does this i'm transported back to my childhood, finding bottles of booze stashed around the house and hearing my parents arguing and me trying to work out if i loved or hated my dad. I feel so low.

He may well love you and your son but his primary relationship is still with drink and alcohol is a cruel mistress. You do know of course that if he is an alcoholic he should not be drinking any type of alcohol at all.

Will he move out?. I think you need time and space apart now. Does he work currently?.

The 3cs re alcoholism are as follows:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Where is your own outside support; have you spoken as yet to Al-anon as they can be very helpful to family members of problem drinkers. If you have not spoken to them I would suggest you do so asap and attend their meetings. At the very least you need to read their literature.

You are also playing out some roles here in his alcoholism.
Your life has already been marred by alcoholism because you grew up with an alcoholic father whom you loved and hated in equal measure. Did your mother stay with her man or did she eventually leave him?. All that did its own lot of damage which has now been carried over to present day and your own past is still effecting you now. That's what you learnt about relationships when growing up, an awful lot of damaging stuff.

You now have a son and history is repeating itself, he is that child that you once were. He does not need or warrant a drunkard father in his day to day life.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships here?. Surely not this dysfunctional role model where you act out the roles of enabler and provoker (as your own mother did). Codependency too often features within these types of relationships and that is really unhealthy as well. Its not a future for you or he for that matter.

Alcoholism as well is a family disease; it does not just affect the alcoholic but all he comes into contact with. If you're dealing with this you become "sick" as well.

You cannot ultimately help him (he has to want to do that and stick to it as well) but you can certainly help your own self.

What you're doing now. You've described 15 year old me to a tee. My mum was a drinker and the second she opened her mouth I knew if she'd had a drink. I HATED her when I was young. And I HATED my dad for what I perceived as doing nothing about it.
You know yourself the love/hate feeling. Honestly, OP, those experiences has shaped my character for life - not all in good ways.
Please do your on a favour and don't put him through it.

My mum stayed with my dad. The difference was my dad never sought help, just always made promises.

Dh acknowledges the problem and sought help for it.

He's a functioning alcoholic: he has a good job, ensures there is money to pay bills, goes all day, sometimes days and sometimes weeks without drinking to excess or hiding it. He's loving, caring, shares childcare and housework equally. We both work and i am the main earner so if i decided to leave i could easily be independent.

I am thinking of talking to someone like you suggest Attila.

Second Attila's recommendation of Al Anon. Also look up adult children of alcoholics, if you haven't already. You can't change him, only yourself. Hugs.

You learnt an awful lot of damaging stuff about relationships when you were younger as well.

Your relationship now with your H is not all that dissimilar to what you saw back then, you are affected very deeply by your past and present experiences of alcoholism. I am not totally surprised that you chose someone who has alcohol dependence problems primarily because your dad was the same.

I would urge you to talk to Al-anon because they are there primarily for family members of problem drinkers. You need outside support because alcoholism is truly a family disease not just affecting the alcoholic.

Your DH sought some help for his problem but ultimately only HE can stop drinking. You cannot do that for him. You do not have to accept the choices and drunkenness he is foisting upon you.

He is holding down a job currently but how long for?. His alcoholism will likely catch up with him there. He may well go onto lose everything and everyone due to his alcoholism and still choose to drink afterwards.

How many people know that he has a drink problem?. Very few I suspect. I would start talking, alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy and covering up/making excuses for him.

Do you really trust him to share the childcare equally?.

Cross post, OP. I think that's a really good idea. You will find so much support within these organisations, and your understanding of yourself, your parents, and your partner will deepen.

What are the negative effects of his drinking?

Do you think this is the first time he's drunk since he started the counselling? The denial isn't helping at all, the lieing that seems to accompany alcholism is a big an issue as the actual drinking to me.

But I wonder if you asked him (as calm as you can) if it was a genuine moment of weakness or if it's how he's going to go on with your relationship. You might tell him that you love him, and you want to stay married to him, but you cannot do so if the future is to be one of deceit and you cannot live with his drinking.

You must be so upset, my DH has been sober since the beginning of March, and I am so proud of him for doing so, it would break my heart if he drank again and then denied it.

The negative effect of my father in-laws drinking was that he was only 55 when he died, aside from mother in laws exasperation and despair. He was also a happy and kind functioning alcoholic.

It's not the first time he's had a drink since starting the counselling. He told his counsellor he believed he could control it, he wanted to stay within the recommended guidelines for units and that his goal was to stop hiding it. His counsellor accepted this and has instead concentrated on changing his relationship with alcohol. The past month has been the best i have seen him. The past 3 months we've rediscovered our love for each other, we've talked more openly again, enjoyed each other's company. We've laughed a lot, been happier than we've been in a long time. His moods have lifted, he's positive, we enjoy family life.

I can't explain what it is about his behaviour when he's had a drink any more than i could explain why I disliked my father drinking. Neither are violent, argumentative or aggressive. They're just not 'in the room' iyswim? On a different level that prevents meaningful conversation.

Is he drinking every night? How much does he drink?

Im not being rude just wondering how much he was/is drinking?

So the plan was never for him to be totally dry then?

I'd like to know that too, Quitelikely.

No, he was drinking every night but he hasn't maybe for two months. For the past month he's drunk tea most nights. When i found his vodka (which prompted him to talk to Drinksense) it was a half empty quart bottle. He has slipped a couple of times since he started counselling (drinking what i believe was stronger alcohol on the sly) but i believe he's been completely honest and hasn't drunk to get the 'drunk feeling' until tonight. I don't get it. He'd just finished telling me what a good counselling session it had been this evening. 30 mins later he gets back with fish and chips and instantly i know he's been drinking.

He's texted to admit it but says he's guilty, ashamed and sorry. He says the counselling is working and he's felt much happier lately. I don't know what to think.

He's a functioning alcoholic: he has a good job, ensures there is money to pay bills, goes all day, sometimes days and sometimes weeks without drinking to excess or hiding it. He's loving, caring, shares childcare and housework equally. We both work and i am the main earner so if i decided to leave i could easily be independent.

So what exactly is the problem then?

You need to remember that he's not the same person as your father. Just because they are/were both alcoholics, doesn't mean that alcohol effects them and their relationships in the same way, or will have the same effects upon their lives over the long term.

Which is not to say there is no problem, or that you should necessarily just put up with it. But if there are problems, they might be different ones, requiring different solutions. It's hard to say any more than that when you haven't told us anything about what the actual negative effects of his drinking are. You've only told us a whole load of positive stuff about him. If the consequences of his drinking are minor, the best option might be to just chalk that up to human imperfection and enjoy everything else about your life together. At the very least, cutting yourself off from that option just because you're stuck interpreting everything in terms of your dad, doesn't seem wise.

What happens when he drinks?

Oh no LittleLion, I certainly know what you mean about being happier, but in truth can you live with his drinking and consequently his lies?

My DH was the same drinking, not violent, and generally not aggressive, but most certainly not in the room as you said. DH now looks back and thinks it was anxiety that caused this behaviour in him, anxiety as a result of being hungover, and because he was so frequently hungover he didn't engage in the family.

You too need to talk to someone, I had a small group of friends who I entrusted with my siltation and they were indispensable to me, but if you can't do this there is Al-anon. The help they offered me was to help me reason out the anger I felt, and to then help me word the ultimatum I gave him.

He's given drink up completely, and goes to three AA meetings a week to do this. In the past he'd claimed he was to do the 'reasonable drinking' it never worked. Ever.

Sorry didn't see previous replies before typing that.

I can't explain what it is about his behaviour when he's had a drink any more than i could explain why I disliked my father drinking. Neither are violent, argumentative or aggressive. They're just not 'in the room' iyswim? On a different level that prevents meaningful conversation.

I get that. FWIW, my dad was an alcoholic too.

Is this the first time since he's started the counselling that he's slipped up? just wondering what triggered it if he's been fine for the last two months.

He told his counsellor he believed he could control it

Did he demonstrate this with, for example, six months of total abstinence before returning to alcohol use? Or did he just believe it because he wanted it to be true?

His counsellor accepted what he said not because he/she agreed but because the only true impetus for change comes from within him. And until he is ready to accept that, counselling might teach him some strategies to manage the problem - but clearly it isn't.

Honestly, OP, he needs to start feeling consequences from his actions. At the moment it's all just hand-wringing and "I've let myself down". If he's drinking and he doesn't know why, the answer is that he's an addict. And you can't help him. But you can protect yourself.

Some slightly emotive comments from the AA crowd. But i think if he's still having counselling then that shows that he's not at the end of that process and one slip-up in two months isnt so bad if he can get straight back on it. Find out what bothered him today to trigger him - that's a trigger he needs to learn to deal with.

Wackadoodle I look into his eyes and don't see the things you expect to see in the eyes of your best friend, soulmate and deepest love. They're half empty, half trying to look sober. And they're small, not wide and open and honest. They're avoiding. And what comes out of his mouth is similarly aimed at trying to appear sober, cracking stupid fucking jokes that i don't find funny. Making stupid fucking comments. When he touches me I can't help but recoil and then I see how hurt he is. The effect of this on me is to make me retreat, feel pissed off beyond belief. I want to get out of the room I feel so uncomfortable.

Those are the negative effects of his drinking.

Thanks Essex. Tbh there is some truth in what others have said - there was no 'trigger'. He's had a good day, was happy, pleased with his counselling session. It seems more and more like proper, full on addiction and not something that can be controlled.

If the consequences of his drinking are minor, the best option might be to just chalk that up to human imperfection and enjoy everything else about your life together. At the very least, cutting yourself off from that option just because you're stuck interpreting everything in terms of your dad, doesn't seem wise.

A welcome, sensible antidote to the hyperbole of the AA crowd which unfortunately tend to hijack any thread with the word 'drink' in the title on MN.

Looking back on what I have written suggests i have some pretty strong feelings/ emotions though simon and i don't think i can ignore that. If it were just me to worry about then i might agree, but having a child puts a different perspective on things. I don't know what the answer is as I'm just so confused. I won't easily throw my marriage away but I'm the only thing i can control in all of this.