He's fucking secretly drinking.... again.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I'm so fed up with it. I grew up with an alcoholic father and I can't put my ds through it.

He's been seeing a drinks counsellor and I've been so proud of him. He got off his backside and went and spoke to Drinksense about 3 months ago and he's been going along to counselling since. He did it because he wanted to save our marriage.

Tonight after a few minutes in his company i got that sinking feeling in my stomach and i knew instantly he's had a drink and it was probably vodka or red wine, not just a beer. We've been here a hundred times so i didn't feel up to a big showdown, him denying it and me getting angrier and angrier. So i just left the room saying i can't be bothered if he can't and i'm sitting alone upstairs trying to get my head around where we go from here. He knows i know and will be getting his denial head on ready to tell me how hard he's trying and i need to trust him and how hurt he is that i don't believe he's not drinking.

I love him and i know he loves me. He's not an aggressive drunk and is the loveliest man in every other way. Is this what it will always be like living with someone with a drink problem? My son loves his daddy so much but every time he does this i'm transported back to my childhood, finding bottles of booze stashed around the house and hearing my parents arguing and me trying to work out if i loved or hated my dad. I feel so low.

maryz because OP has said so herself.

He's a good husband and father, provides and contributes domestically.

Frankly, that's a lot more than can be said for some. Think OP might need to adjust her expectations.

^ that comment treadheavily is exactly what I think is wrong.

If someone having a sherry at Christmas is a problem for the other half then the person who it's a problem for can go swivel, quite frankly.

I know that's not what we are talking about here, but quite frankly, what a crap and controlling argument.

Sorry if I've missed this but how much has he drunk and where? Had you agreed that he would stop drinking alcohol all together or that he would drink 'normally'?

Yes you're right about the wanting to stop/ control drinking v wanting to save our marriage. I suppose i mentioned it as an indication that he does at least give a shit. I was viewing it as more as a positive that he acknowledges my feelings.

Alcoholics can be nice people you know.

HowardTJMoon words it well, the effect it has on day to day life.

Maryz talks sense! (Again!)
It is difficult to quantify the effects of alcoholism. Living with an alcoholic father caused me so many problems.
Lying about alcohol, hiding it, allowing it to control them? Deal breakers for me I'm afraid.
My family come first. My kids come first.
The "I like a drink" "give the guy a break?" Would you say this if it was cocaine?
(Not saying alcohol and cocaine are the same but dependence is dependence!)
I like a drink. A drink. Sometimes. But I'm equally happy with not drinking alcohol. I can happily enjoy a night out sober.

Oh love, I wasn't saying it wasn't positive. I think his heart is in the right place, I think he does love you and he does want to save your marriage. Sadly, he's an alcoholic, and at the moment that's winning over his heart & head.

Because alcohol is just so vital for life that no-one can ever possibly be asked to not drink because that would be a crime punishable under the Human Rights Act, wouldn't it?

This is booze we're talking about. Not air, not water, not basic sustenance. Booze. It's optional to life. If I was in a relationship with someone for whom the sight and smell of custard was a big problem then I'd just not eat custard. So what? What's the big deal? Why is alcohol so different? How has alcohol been elevated to such an unassailable position in our society that it is completely unacceptable to even consider asking someone to refrain?

(And that's completely ignoring the fact that this man has such a significant drink problem that he's receiving counselling about it.)

But it's very extreme to ask someone not to drink alcohol when they enjoy an alcoholic drink.

If my DH didn't want me to eat custard, I'd eat my rhubarb crumble with cream or ice cream. Or eat custard in a different room where it didn't affect my custard hating other half.

I don't think your husband is being made to pay for your father's mistakes. It's more that you have a heightened sensitivity that someone from a different family background might not have/be able to relate to.

It's part of codependence, afaik: you're probably on tenterhooks most of the time watching out for signs that he's not quite there anymore. You're reacting to him rather than acting. It's really difficult to live like this.

Even if he is functioning and holding down a job, it sounds as if you notice a lack of connection with him when he's been drinking or occupied with thoughts of drinking. This is why what he's doing is not ok. I really recommend counselling for yourself as you need to make sure you stick by your own values for your and your DS's life. Your husband's behaviour will slowly erode your sense of most things that matter to you.

This is not about someone enjoying a drink every now and then, even every night. It's about your husband going into his own world where you can't reach him.

I am puzzled as to why the OP should issue that ultimatum.

and would you lie about your custard consumption and pretend you hadn't hadn't any despite all the evidence to the contrary.

Would you spend the time you weren't eating custard finding this time inconsequently and unimportant until your next opportunity it eat it?

Moln, I might exaggerate my custard consumption if I a) fancied some and didn't see why I shouldn't have some and b) then only admitted to half a bowl rather than a full bowl because DH wouldn't have approved of my full bowl.

MaryZ, was just following of from Howard's comparison.

MaryZ, your last post is my problem with the whole thing, because I can't tell from the op whether he's drinking too much (I.e.what most people would think is too much) or whether the OP is being too critical because of her background. A compromise would be perfect.

He sounds like a normal bloke who likes drink tbh

Op- does he get drunk?
I haven't seen here where you explain what his behaviour is like, apart from him trying to hide it.

What I think you don't realise Bowlersarm is that a problem with drink isn't solely to do the quantity of drink or the behaviour when drunk but also the attitude between drinks, and after drinking and also the lengths gone to in order to hide the drinking.

Functioning alcoholics don't stay functioning alcoholics forever. I think the op is right to be concerned and I too have been that person sat there and feeling completely and utterly alone because that person you're with, they can be sat right next to you, but they're not "there". It doesn't feel the same as someone just casually unwinding with a drink, the whole atmosphere is different.
If his drinking wasn't a problem he could abstain and he could be honest about it but clearly he cannot. People don't go from being a happy sober person to a raging alcoholic overnight, there can be a long, very drawn out in between area and op is right in wanting her oh to get help.

As for where you go from here op....you need to speak with your oh.

Only he can decide who is his first love.

If alcohol is his first love, then you and your family will not be.

I can't tell from the op whether he's drinking too much (I.e.what most people would think is too much) or whether the OP is being too critical because of her background

Either way, Al Anon can help.