He's fucking secretly drinking.... again.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I'm so fed up with it. I grew up with an alcoholic father and I can't put my ds through it.

He's been seeing a drinks counsellor and I've been so proud of him. He got off his backside and went and spoke to Drinksense about 3 months ago and he's been going along to counselling since. He did it because he wanted to save our marriage.

Tonight after a few minutes in his company i got that sinking feeling in my stomach and i knew instantly he's had a drink and it was probably vodka or red wine, not just a beer. We've been here a hundred times so i didn't feel up to a big showdown, him denying it and me getting angrier and angrier. So i just left the room saying i can't be bothered if he can't and i'm sitting alone upstairs trying to get my head around where we go from here. He knows i know and will be getting his denial head on ready to tell me how hard he's trying and i need to trust him and how hurt he is that i don't believe he's not drinking.

I love him and i know he loves me. He's not an aggressive drunk and is the loveliest man in every other way. Is this what it will always be like living with someone with a drink problem? My son loves his daddy so much but every time he does this i'm transported back to my childhood, finding bottles of booze stashed around the house and hearing my parents arguing and me trying to work out if i loved or hated my dad. I feel so low.

'the hyperbole of the AA crowd', what does that mean? People who feel they cannot live with drinking habits of another that effects every aspect of their lives?

If the OP's DH's drinking is not a problem to her then, quite obviously his drinking isn't a problem and she could live with it. But from her OP it seems as if it is, why else post?

It maybe as a result of living with a alcoholic father, that causes her to reaction as she does to her DH drinking. If she herself seeks counselling then it make come to light it is her father's drinking that is causing the problem with her relationship with her DH and not his drinking.

Agree with Molin, I think it's you that needs the counselling OP, not him!

Because there are 3 of us in this relationship Steeley. I could drink, smoke, eat and masturbate till i explode if i really liked it and wanted to. But if my behaviour concerned my family then I'd want to change it. If you have nothing constructive to add by way of advice or support then don't contribute. Simples.

Moln, but it comes down to degree doesn't it? If the ops DH is having a glass of wine every other night that would be acceptable to most people in a relationship? If he's downing a bottle every night that might be a problem.

I'm sympathetic OP, I really am, but I like a drink and I would be more than a bit pissed off if DH asked me to quit for the reasons you are giving.
It is just a different perspective on it. He's an adult. You are not his mother. He functions. He's happy.
You seem to be the one with the issue and making it into a massive deal.

But if your family didn't want you to drink, smoke, masturbate, eat at all, that would be their problem not yours, OP.

How much does he drink?

I am honestly regretting starting this thread. Thanks to all those who have listened to me and offered constructive opinions and advice. I will talk to someone independent in RL.

I'm not sure the OP should put up with the drinking just because it doesn't seem too disruptive.

A habitual drunk husband isn't what she wants. I don't think it helps to make comparisons but people do compare especially if they have lived with an alcoholic.

My dad was a chronic alcoholic who died when he was 44. He was incapable of being a father, although I do have a few nice memories of holidays etc. But my memories of childhood are arguments, police, a dad who fell up the stairs and collapsed behind a bathroom door, interventions, hidden bottles and a distraught mother.

It's all relative. If my DH even hinted of displaying the slightest alcohol dependency I would be off like a shot. He knows that. I'm traumatised by what I saw. There isn't a chance in hell that I would let my kids see what I did.

The AA crowd seem to be the people who understand

It's not the amount that is consumed, it is the effect it has on the drinker.
If he is checking out of life in favour of getting sloshed, lying about drinking, hiding it...suggests a problem

The trouble is that the OP is comparing her DH to her father, and he may be paying for her fathers mistakes.

The OP doesn't want to hear any other viewpoint than ones confirming her own. She's not discussing it, so difficult to comment.

She can either back off and accept that people are imperfect, or leave. Micromanaging another adult is just not an acceptable option.

If he were aggressive, or risking his job with his drinking, then the choice would be fairly obvious, but this level of handwringing over the fact that he isn't behaving exactly as OP would like him to? I repeat, I think the problem lies with OP and her projection of her antecedent experience of alcoholism onto her DH...

I don't have a 'viewpoint' Bowlers and if you look back at my many responses you will see that i have indeed discussed it. If I was so sure of my own viewpoint then i doubt I'd be feeling quite as confused as i now am. I took exception to Steeleyes ridiculous input. Most others have been helpful to some extent.

Yes Bowlersarm, it does come down to degrees, however LittleLion will not benefit from people telling her to live with it or that it's not really a problem. She needs help to discover if it is 'her problem' or if his drinking is a problem.

It seems as if her DH's drinking was infringing in every aspect of their life as a family (he's non-physical absence and lies) more than he was having the odd drink and she objects to it.

It could be that it's due to her attitude to drinking from childhood that is the problem. However he seems to have realised his drinking is an issue and has make steps to seek counselling, though it doesn't seem to be having too much of a long term effect.

If this man didn't believe he had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol then I cannot imagine for a moment he would be attending counselling for the drink problem he didn't think he had.

If you've never been in a relationship with someone with a drink problem (or other substance abuse problem) then it can be difficult to understand how corrosive it can be. You realise that, actually, their primary relationship is with their drug of choice, not you. They'll lie to you if it means it protects their right to continue drinking as much as they want whenever they want. Plans get scuppered because of their drinking. You get invited out and you wonder if this will be yet another time when they get pissed and you get the pitying (or annoyed) looks from the people you're out with. They're late home and you worry that they'll come home shit-faced. Mornings become times of walking on eggshells around their hangovers. Your relationship with them rises and falls on a tide of their alcohol consumption and that downright fucking sucks.

Plus, of course, every alcoholic is a "functioning" alcoholic right up until the moment they cannot function any longer. But even that misses the point. They start off functioning at everything. Then, bit by bit, they lose the ability to reliably function at different things. Relationships suffer as they drink themselves into a position where they can't function properly at that. Children suffer because, while they don't understand that daddy reacts differently to things depending on his blood/alcohol content, they'll certainly know that he can be unpredictable and inconsistent. Careers start to be affected by unreliability. Bit by bit, year by year, as their bodies get older and less able to cope with the alcohol their ability to function in all areas of their lives falls away. And what was once a "functioning" alcoholic becomes just another tragic drunk.

OP, there is a difference between posts that aren't constructive, and ones that don't fit with your narrative.

You seem to be conflating the two.

Okay...well I wish you well.

LittleLions - clearly there is a problem or he wouldn't be going to counselling, I have no idea how some people have decided on your behalf that it's not a problem... baffling.

The problem as I see it, is that he is going to counselling because he wants to save your marriage - he's not going because he wants to stop drinking :(

You say you wont 'throw your marriage away' but you also have to look at your life and your DS's life. Your DH is going to spend his life as an alcoholic, a recovering alcoholic or most likely bouncing between the two. He is never going to be someone who doesn't have issues with alcohol, he's going to spend a lot of time trying to convince himself and others that he can be a social drinker... :(

Only YOU can decide if you can live your life like that or not, but don't fool yourself that it will be 'over and done with', ever :(

It doesn't matter whether he is a heavy drinker or an occasional drinker, if his drinking bothers you then it's a problem for the family.

I would second Attila's advice that you talk to a professional who can help you work out what to do. In here, you get so much projection that it can become very confusing.

Ah LittleLion don't regret starting this thread, there's always going to be 'ah there's nothing wrong with him having a wee tipple'. I'd be in agreement with MaryZ about them.

I listened to these people for years and years, thinking I was the one with the issue. I wasn't.