Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Husband says no more children

84 replies

jenfromtheblock11 · 16/10/2014 15:01

Before my husband and I got married we always said we were going to have 2-4 children. When my now 2 year old was born things weren't very easy. The baby was born prematurely and had health issues including awful colic that kept him awake all night. He was lip tie and that meant we struggled breastfeeding. My husband worked away Mon-Fri and by the time he got home at the weekend I was grouchy and snappy. The baby did know him and refused to go to him si 100% of everything fell on me. Needless to say the first 6mths of parenthood wasn't the happy time it should of been and our relationship suffered.

Once things got easier with baby things got back to normal. My husband changed his job so he no longer works away and we are very happy. That is until he dropped a bombshell and said my plans for another baby next year will not be happening - ever. He said 100% we will not be having more children. He said it was too hard on our relationship the first time and he doesn't want to go through it again.

I've gone over and over this in my head and don't know what to do. I love my husband but being a Mum is what I've dreamed of all my life. I'm a good Mum and I really enjoy it and I'm desperate to have more children. I know my little boy will love having siblings. The thought of not having another baby is making me hate my husband to the point I'm considering leaving him. I don't want to spilt out family up and I don't want to leave my husband BUT the urge to have another baby is too much. Il

I really don't know what to do. I've talked it over with my husband so many times over the past few months, and while he listens to my views, he still says it's non negotiable - we are not having another child.

Anyone got any advice please?

OP posts:

hotblacktea · 16/10/2014 15:05

what birth control are you using ? is he looking at having the snip done ?

Heels99 · 16/10/2014 15:05

He may feel differently when your child starts school and is no longer at the baby stage. Seems like he wants to protect your relationship from the issues you had previously which sounds like a traumatic period. Lots of people end up not having the number of children they thought they would for all sorts of different reasons. Hope to manage to reach a point where you both accept and understand how the other person feels.
Take care

thisisnow · 16/10/2014 15:11

Whilst I understand your yearning for another child it is not fair to push him into having a second if it's made it clear it's not what he wants. To be fair he shouldn't have moved the goalposts either. How old are you both? Like Heels99 said he might change his mind once your little one goes to school.

KatelynB · 16/10/2014 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurelyCurly · 16/10/2014 15:19

My advice is wait til the youngest is three and a half and see how you feel then.

I think that desire to keep reproducing is partly hormonal. You might get to that stage and think, actually, no I don't want any more children. But if you do get to that stage and still want more, then at lest your husband will feel that there'd only be one baby if he agreed to another.

My sympathies are with him though. I don't know why people make their comfortable lives hard by having 3, 4, 5 children. That is PURELY my opinion though! if two parents agree, then no problems!!

Original poster

jenfromtheblock11 · 16/10/2014 15:20

We're 32 so I'm keen to have another next year or the year after the lastest. Also we've decide to homeschool our child so things aren't likely to change then :-( He says it's not about the child per se as he loves our son but he doesn't want to go through the hard baby time again.

I know it's not fair to push him into having another child but I desperately want more and I feel this may ruin and even end our relationship. I don't want to wake up in 10 years tines hating him for him refusing to give me another child and it be too late for me to have one with someone else or even on my own as TBH I can't see myself with anyone else.

OP posts:

Heels99 · 16/10/2014 15:20

It surely is reasonable to 'change the goalposts' based on traumatic and difficult experiences. We wanted plenty kids, we had to have five years Ivf to have any, the goalposts have changed, that is life.

Heels99 · 16/10/2014 15:20

Sounds like some counselling could be helpful op.

Only1scoop · 16/10/2014 15:20

How old is your dc....maybe wait a little and he may feel differently....being pushed will make him anti I'm sure....

Why would you leave him if you love him and are happy....

Imagine if it were the other way around and you had 100 percent changed your mind....

Only1scoop · 16/10/2014 15:22

I would also say if he changes his mind it could be around the 3.5 to 4 stage....

LittleBairn · 16/10/2014 15:27

One thing I've told my DH about children is that he can decide for himself when he's done but that doesn't mean he can decide for me.

Original poster

jenfromtheblock11 · 16/10/2014 15:29

I have said I am happy to only have 2 children but I desperately want another. On top of my feelings, we also have no family so I really want to give my son a sibling for if something happens to us.

I know I sound awful saying I'd leave him BUT the urge to have another child is too much. As I said I don't want to wake up and hate him for not allowing me to have another child.

I don't honestly think the age of our son will make a difference as he's basing his decision on what happened last time. I can't get him to see that the main issue was I was exhausted as he worked a way all week and in was alone. Then even when he was home the baby wouldn't go to him as he didn't know him. With a different job this time things will ubdoubtlt be easier.

OP posts:

SignoraStronza · 16/10/2014 15:29

If he's so sure he doesn't want any more then he'll go and have the snip or use condoms, right? Why don't you just say to him that you want another child and from now on you won't be using contraception.
My dh would love more children in theory but he understands why I don't want more than three (and we don't have the finances/space for another anyway). Even so, as the one who was more adamant I saw it as my responsibility to get sterilised.

I think he's being unkind and unsupportive to move the goalposts for the sake of a potentially difficult 6 months - year.

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals · 16/10/2014 15:30

You don't know that you will find someone else to have another child with, or that you would be happy with them either.

I think you could benefit from counselling - babyhood is only a relatively short period in their lives but it was obviously traumatic for him. If you feel that it could be handled better now but he can't get his head round it, the counselling may work for you to talk through and at least understand one another.

FWIW, I'm in the opposite shoes with DH but we've agreed to not discuss until DS is at school.

Original poster

jenfromtheblock11 · 16/10/2014 15:31

This is how I feel too. But in theory it doesn't work like that. The only option I have is to have a child on my own/with someone else if he refuses to have another one.

OP posts:

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals · 16/10/2014 15:32

you want another child and from now on you won't be using contraception

That's really horrible

QuintessentiallyQS · 16/10/2014 15:32

Maybe it is the other way around.
He does not want another one because he does not work away anymore.

Original poster

jenfromtheblock11 · 16/10/2014 15:32

Honestly I've considered doing it on my own with a donor. I don't want anyone else.

OP posts:

Mammanat222 · 16/10/2014 15:32

Have a friend in a similar situation (she is older though) and she is getting so desperate she is considering tricking her partner into getting her pregnant

They use combination of condoms and withdrawal method so she thinks she can 'get away with it' (they use withdrawal early and late in cycle but condoms most of the time), friend has confessed they don't have much sex anymore - I wonder why???

It is tragic watching my wonderful, logical, rational friend being driven crazy by his refusal. BUT I cannot get on her side and advocate that she trick him.

Our second baby wasn't planned, we had sex once that cycle and boom. My OH wasn't thrilled as such but he quickly got over it and my friend thinks that is what will happen with her. Biggest difference being is that we always knew we wanted a second, her partner doesn't.

What I advise my friend is not to let it consume her and her relationship, to be grateful for what they do have but continue to make her feelings known.

I don't know who I feel more sorry for though? The person yearning for another baby or the person who doesn't want another baby - both awful positions to be in when your partner is at the other end of the spectrum.

What you really need to do OP is assess what is more important. Another baby or what you already have and ultimately you may not be bale to have both.

Only1scoop · 16/10/2014 15:34

But the age thing can help....his memories of the really tough early times will ebb further away....

I suffered so badly with Hg during pregnancy that although I desperately wanted a sibling for dd the thoughts of the 9 months of hell were to upfront in my mind to even consider for about 3.5 years....

Just to throw that in the mix I know it's a different scenario though.

Hope you work it through

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals · 16/10/2014 15:35

I expect that this will result in you basically presenting some kind of ultimatum along the lines of 'have another baby or I'm leaving you.' That seems so unfair on your DH.

Original poster

jenfromtheblock11 · 16/10/2014 15:38

No as he's made his decision so it's now my decision to decide to accept never having another child or leave. They'll be no ultimatum put on him.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 16/10/2014 15:39

I think it is unreasonable of him to say you are only allowed one child. If you had four and wanted another one then fair enough. But perhaps he is panicking and thinking you will want to go on and have four. If you make it quite clear that your family will stop at two then perhaps he can be talked round. Or put your plans for next year on hold for the time being.

bronya · 16/10/2014 15:42

I think you need to tell him how that need to have another makes you feel. How it will eventually destroy the very relationship he is trying to protect. Take him to visit friends who have two, so he can see how it wieks. Let him talk to the dads and find out what it is like for them. We did a lot of that sort of thing when my DH didn't want another. Over time he saw that it could be ok, and we have agreed that he will have the snip after DC2. I know the first year will be so hard but it will be better than the constant ache of wanting another so badly.

bronya · 16/10/2014 15:43

*works

Flip

1 2 3 4