Husband says no more children

[jenfromtheblock11]

Before my husband and I got married we always said we were going to have 2-4 children. When my now 2 year old was born things weren't very easy. The baby was born prematurely and had health issues including awful colic that kept him awake all night. He was lip tie and that meant we struggled breastfeeding. My husband worked away Mon-Fri and by the time he got home at the weekend I was grouchy and snappy. The baby did know him and refused to go to him si 100% of everything fell on me. Needless to say the first 6mths of parenthood wasn't the happy time it should of been and our relationship suffered.

Once things got easier with baby things got back to normal. My husband changed his job so he no longer works away and we are very happy. That is until he dropped a bombshell and said my plans for another baby next year will not be happening - ever. He said 100% we will not be having more children. He said it was too hard on our relationship the first time and he doesn't want to go through it again.

I've gone over and over this in my head and don't know what to do. I love my husband but being a Mum is what I've dreamed of all my life. I'm a good Mum and I really enjoy it and I'm desperate to have more children. I know my little boy will love having siblings. The thought of not having another baby is making me hate my husband to the point I'm considering leaving him. I don't want to spilt out family up and I don't want to leave my husband BUT the urge to have another baby is too much. Il

I really don't know what to do. I've talked it over with my husband so many times over the past few months, and while he listens to my views, he still says it's non negotiable - we are not having another child.

Anyone got any advice please?

What you do need to dispel in all of this is the notion that things will be easier second time round. I'm sorry but it won't.

I thought the second would be a breeze but I was so wrong. Having to deal simultaneously with a baby and an older sibling who is jealous, possessive and demands attention (which is as it should be) adds a layer of emotional strain on top of all the physical demands. Everything is so much harder with two - getting out of the house, mealtimes, bedtimes, everything. i don't know anyone who found it anything other than an utterly exhausting experience (good bits, too of course, but utterly exhausting). I think for me it was only when my youngest got to around 4 that I was able to start properly investing in my marital relationship again. Fortunately I had a DH that was totally on board and knew it wouldn't last forever, but even he found it very very hard to be an involved parent, and take just crumbs from me, relationship ship-wise, for so long. (Disclaimer; we had some special needs issues on top, which admittedly made it that much harder for us).

You definitely need to explore your views with an objective third person, because it looks as if you will leave him do you don't have a second, and he may well leave you if you did.

Do you know other families with 2 or more children? Could you ask him to talk to friends about having more? We have 3 now but I honestly think having 2 children fairly close in age is easier than having one - as they get older that is. I think it is very unfair if it is omly the thought of the first year puting him off.

Unfortunately, you can't force someone to change their mind on something like this. It unfair on them and on any future children.

I think it's really terrible that some women trick their partners into providing sperm . Of course the men should take care of their own fertility but if your partners tells you they are using contraception then it's not that unreasonable to think you don't need to.

OP. If I were you I would wait a year of so and ask again. Maybe, you could think of ways to make things easier if you were to have another baby. If you can afford it then perhaps you could suggest that you could get some extra help at home such as a cleaner or an au pair?

Your DH may see his priority as wanting the best for his existing family. Perhaps he is nervous that if you had another child you would end up divorced.

My DH did a very definite 'no more kids' after our last child. I would have had another but I totally respected his decision.

Completely agree with Thereshallbeaspirin. It's way, way harder with two. Not twice as hard but three or four times as hard. And if one of you is bitter about the fact that they were pushed into having that second kid that will make things even harder than they already will be. We have an 18 month old and a 4 year old and the last 18 months have been very very hard despite the second being planned.

I think you need to talk to him some more about this, but try to do it in a calm and rational way. Ask him to let you speak without interrupting, and then give him the opportunity to do the same. You need to put your cards on the table.

You could start by saying that you completely understand where he is coming from regarding the difficult times that you both went through, but every pregnancy and baby is different. It could be worse a second time round. But it could also be significantly better. The first baby no-one knows what they are doing - at least with the next, you have been through it before. Plus, whichever it is, it only lasts a very limited period of time. I think you need to make clear to him that you took your agreement of 2-4 children seriously, and you want another child. That is a fact. You could live without four, but you are not going to change your mind about a second. You need to ask him how definite he is about not wanting a second - if he is as absolutely certain as you are, then it's something that neither of you can compromise on. You can't have "half" a child. So if you both feel equally strongly, then you have some very difficult decisions to make.

It's not an ultimatum - it's a simple fact. If he is dead set against, and you are dead set for, then the only option is to split up. Because the alternative is that one of you spends the rest of your relationship deeply resenting the other.

You have to ask yourself if you want another baby (bearing in mind it wouldn't be his baby, and part of the family life you have dreamed of) MORE than you want him.

If you do, the decision is made.

But it looks like you are not going to get what you really want, a family of four. I really feel for you as he is dictating the size of your family and your chance to be a mother. I think I would be really upset if someone had changed the goalposts as he has as you might have not decided to have one if he had always said he only wanted just one... if that makes sense! I know you would never regret the one you have I just mean this isn't what you signed up for.

HOWEVER... as others have advised, try to wait. Agree that you won't mention it or talk about it for one year and then you will see how you are feeling, then if he hasn't changed his mind, and you haven't changed yours... you might need to separate. Don't pressure or trick him as that is a sure fire way to ruin your relationship forever... but people change and he might feel differently.

Will the homeschool decision change?

You mention that you are planning to homeschool. Is this also affecting part of his thinking?

Because if you were tired first time round, even with a change in his work, second time around with a toddler or a home schooled older child will be exhausting. That's not to say it won't be absolutely worth it... But it's important to be realistic.

Other thing - do you think you might have had some level of PND? Because hard as that is to discuss, it may actually be helpful for your discussions, as that's something that can be minimised or avoided ahead of time.

In either case, it does sound worth you having some counselling as pps have said, to get your thoughts straight before either of you may jump to ultimatums that it doesn't sound like you really want.

I really do not know what to advice but the fantasy of having children is a lot different than the reality.

Yes the homeschooling is in fact a very important issue here. Why are you so set on home schooling? Considering how concerned you seem to be about your kid having companions it seems a rather unusual decision.

OP - I can only tell you that if this had happened to me after ds1, I would have left. My heart was set on 3 children (which I now have) and I would consider it a gross betrayal if dh had gone back on this after dc1 - and it would ruin my relationship with him.

I also think you need to give it time, you are acting like it is your original plan or nothing. You didn't plan for things to be so hard first time. Could you compromise by really working on your relationship and keeping it open until he feels you are strong enough to get through something so bad if it happens again. He is saying he is scared of losing you and DS or destroying what you have as a wee threesome.

I think you ask him what would have to be different for him to consider it and really listen. It might be time, a bit more support (like an Au Pair), counselling, who knows. Do listen though and not just enter into the conversation as a bargaining tool.

I have a similar situation but my DH is against us having a third child.

In your position I probably would have left tbh, and taken my chances with someone else, so I appreciate your dilemma. You speak of your age as though it's now or never, but you more than likely have years if you wish have children.

If it is just the baby phase your husband is concerned about, would you both consider adoption of a toddler/child/children?

I really do feel for you op, but I think it would be hugely selfish of you to split up your child and his father if you leave him. It's easy to say that you will get a donor but have you thought of the practicality of it?
How would you feel if your DS spends time with his dad, and the donor child has no one to go to? You really need to think about what it all means.
Your DH might change his mind but I think you need to speak to him.

I would be upset and infuriated if my husband had done what yours has and changed the goalposts regarding the size of your family.

It sounds to me as if he did this on his own, without any joint consultation. Is that right?

Having a baby, especially the first, can be likened to a culture shock. None of us knew how hard it would be before we had one. I can absolutely understand how some people react by saying "never, ever again" when hit by the constant demands, short-tempered-ness and the wall after wall of exhaustion. I said it myself when my eldest was born. In fact, I said it after each of my three was born. The only time I ended up permantly actually meaning it was after the third. After each of the older two I performed a U-turn within a couple of years or so, and wanted to have the next one.

Your husband has reacted to the shock by not wanting it to happen again. Perhaps he was also disillusioned by the fact that your baby would not go to him because the amount of time he spent working away from home did not allow them to build a bond. Baby was unable to recognise him as a Dad in the way he had probably envisaged and looked forward to. I'm not criticising anything there. It was just the way things were at the time.

I don't know what to advise. I don't think he has played exactly fair by you, but he may be being blinkered by the first experience of parenthood. It doesn't always live up to the romantic, rose-tinted spectacles reputation, as most of us know.

I find your reasoning a bit odd. Obsessive perhaps?

You want companions for your child, but want to keep him home with you, ie homeschool rather that let him develop friendships in a school environment.

Your having more children is more important than creating a stable environment for the child you have. Ie, you would rather have children by different men, and let them grow up without a dad, than try alleviate your husbands fears for your health and safety.

You sound very detached.

I also think you should take this dilemma to Relate or a similar professional counselling body to help the two of you work things out. This is not a healthy or happy situation. He's issued an ultimatum to you (which reneges on a previous agreement), and you, in turn are about to issue your own ultimatum - another baby or you walk away with the DC you already have. By taking these entrenched positions I fear that without an objective third party to help you see a way through you'll both just become more and more entrenched in your opposite views and it will rip you apart.

So before you do that I urge you to step back and think about the huge amount the three of you stand to lose. You and your DH will lose each other, and your DC will lose his family. Your posts make you sound very emotional and that's not a good state to be in while making such a huge life decision.

FWIW my DH was also rather against us having a 2nd DC as he found the baby stage with DS1 really hard and it did change our relationship hugely - and not for the better. He eventually agreed to to try for a 2nd DC because a) we'd agreed to have 2 or 3 children and b) he knew how much I wanted to have two. However, he panicked when I got pregnant, was really un-supportive throughout my pregnancy, pretty much avoided me and DS2 for the first six months of his life and though he adores him now he still thinks we should've stuck to one as our life would've been so much easier. And I can't deny it - it would. DS2 is delightful and amazing and we both adore him, but having another baby has meant many more years of being tied to baby stuff when our friends with only one have moved onto a much more interesting stage of life. And DS2 has had some quite serious medical issues too, which has been very hard and put additional pressure on. So, whichever way things go it won't necessarily be easy. Going it alone with two DC and no partner certainly wouldn't be. Step on over to 'Lone Parents' if you want some views on that.

It's odd he doesn't want to go through the difficult baby stages again when he wasn't there for them first time around. As it will be harder on you, seems fairer to take your wishes into account more than his. I disagree (from my experience) that it is loads harder having two. I found my second dc maybe half as hard to look after as my first, so I guess 1.5 harder overall!

i can see both sides

could he forgive you if you made him have another?
could you forgive him if he prevented #2??

OP it might be this is a deal breaker- and yes it might be you get a sperm donor

I think either of you are BU- but def explore counselling

good luck, its a tough one for sure

You would deprive your child of growing up in the same household as its father so you can have another baby on your own or with someone else? This is not logical thinking. Could you have pnd?

Marriage involves people changing their mind and compromising on all sorts of things. You must have known that before you were married? As must he. Leave it a year, get counselling as a couple and try to think rationally not emotionally. People say all sorts of things about having children , we'll have six, we will home school, we will never let them eat sweets blah blah. This is before the reality arrived. The reality nearly broke you up. He is choosing your marriage over another child.

So many comment to reply to.

Firstly it was a joint decision to homeschool. Anyone who believes sticking a child with the same 30 children for 15 years of school life is the best way of making friends is very misguided. My child at 2 year olds spends every day with children from 0-18 and already has a huge social life and ltoa of friends from different waves of life. We don't believe even the best teacher in the world can teach 30+ children to their individual levels. Homeschooling is far from the subject here and I would prefer people who have no idea how it works to not past judgement in that topic.

People saying I'm being unreasonable of suffering from depression try and see it from my point of view. My husband (mainly my husband) and I agreed that I would give up my very successful career and raise our family. It was decided to provide a different education for them which includes a mix of forest school and homeschooling. I have talked to my husband about me going back to work and he says no as I agreed to take on the mother role for our children and putting our child in nursery or with a childminder is not what he wants for our child (which deep down nor do I) I however thought I'd be taking on role as mother to multiple children and not just one. For him to say no without fully discussing it me is making me angry because I agreed to dovate my life to my children and fully expected it to be for more than one child. That's not to say I don't want to give 100% to my one child as I do, but I would at least like to try for another one. I do 100% of the cooking, cleaning, washing and child raising and yet he gets to decide whether we have another child. Maybe I am being competey unreasonable.

I don't want to leave my husband or take my child from his father, but I also don't want my anger of not bieng allowed to have another child to ruin our family and destroy my child's life (I gave first hand experience of growing up in a loveless house) I feel like a naughty school child having privilages taken away from me and certainly don't feel in a grown up two way relationship. My husband makes ALL the decisions (including the decision not to allow me any money) and it is for this reason why I would consider leaving.

I'm not sure why you are set on home schooling either. Sounds bonkers to me that. Kids are best in nursery and school for me, they learn more by interacting with others than any textbook will teach them. I know someone who has done this with both of their girls and I have to say the girls have turned out slightly odd and very shy and withdrawn. I would think twice about this. How schooling is usually one persons idea rather than both. The other just goes along with it. Was it you that thought this one up? If so that might be adding to the stress. Reconsider and bring this into the discussion. I think if you say that two will definitely be it and you are prepared to wait for a year or so until your youngest is less dependant on you then say he can have the snip so that would be it. No more kid demands. If he doesn't agree then you are right, you will have a decision to make! You may then end up with the 4 kids your crave but it unlikely any will be close to the age of your child now.

"My husband makes ALL the decisions (including the decision not to allow me any money) and it is for this reason why I would consider leaving."

OP, your H is very controlling and possibly financially abusive.

Do not have another child with him right now, take some time to think.

You sound very miserable and resentful ....your situation sounds worrying regarding your Dh controlling the finances etc....

You actually sound like you have this schoolroom decked out and not enough pupils....

Enjoy your ds....give this a little time for everyone involved maybe....

Im ten years on from where you are now, my DH spent most of those years saying we wouldnt have a second because of my mental health. Things got so bad we tried relate and he admitted that he actually didnt want a second and had blamed me to deflect the problem.

i have since tried individual counselling, and niether have helped. I resent my DH to the point of hating him at times for taking my choice away from me. We argue a lot and every arguement returns to this point.

Your options are:
1 - stay with him and hope one of you changes your mind
2 - leave him and hope you find someone else who feels the same as you do

Knowing how i feel now, i know which i would choose