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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband says no more children

84 replies

jenfromtheblock11 · 16/10/2014 15:01

Before my husband and I got married we always said we were going to have 2-4 children. When my now 2 year old was born things weren't very easy. The baby was born prematurely and had health issues including awful colic that kept him awake all night. He was lip tie and that meant we struggled breastfeeding. My husband worked away Mon-Fri and by the time he got home at the weekend I was grouchy and snappy. The baby did know him and refused to go to him si 100% of everything fell on me. Needless to say the first 6mths of parenthood wasn't the happy time it should of been and our relationship suffered.

Once things got easier with baby things got back to normal. My husband changed his job so he no longer works away and we are very happy. That is until he dropped a bombshell and said my plans for another baby next year will not be happening - ever. He said 100% we will not be having more children. He said it was too hard on our relationship the first time and he doesn't want to go through it again.

I've gone over and over this in my head and don't know what to do. I love my husband but being a Mum is what I've dreamed of all my life. I'm a good Mum and I really enjoy it and I'm desperate to have more children. I know my little boy will love having siblings. The thought of not having another baby is making me hate my husband to the point I'm considering leaving him. I don't want to spilt out family up and I don't want to leave my husband BUT the urge to have another baby is too much. Il

I really don't know what to do. I've talked it over with my husband so many times over the past few months, and while he listens to my views, he still says it's non negotiable - we are not having another child.

Anyone got any advice please?

OP posts:

Topseyt · 16/10/2014 19:42

So there is more to this!

He has reneged on the idea of having more than one child, he allows you NO money (really!!) and he has forbidden you to go out to work.

Nothing would be more likely to actually make me go back to work.

I don't think you are happy with him. Going back to work would give you an exit plan.

Don't get too hung up on the home-schooling idea too. This might be another one of his ideas for keeping you out of the workplace, because it makes you unavailable for work. Children do not spend 15 years with the same 30 kids anyway, and for mine it has always been a good social and academic experience.

ElkTheory · 16/10/2014 19:42

The second child issue is the least of your concerns, it would seem. If your husband is making all the decisions, including whether or not you work, and controlling the finances with an iron fist, it is definitely time to bid him a fond farewell (IMO).

YonicScrewdriver · 16/10/2014 19:43

"Don't get too hung up on the home-schooling idea too. This might be another one of his ideas for keeping you out of the workplace, because it makes you unavailable for work. "

Yup.

1lov3comp5 · 16/10/2014 19:44

I think you have bigger issues with your husband than whether or not to have a second child. I really don't think it's a good idea to have more children with this man.

QuintessentiallyQS · 16/10/2014 19:49

So, you are not allowed to work.
He holds you to the decision that YOU homeschool your ONE child, while he goes back on the decision that you should have a large family.

You do indeed have bigger problems, and I can see that divorcing him might solve more problems than just the only child policy he has forced upon you.

QuintessentiallyQS · 16/10/2014 19:50

"I really don't think it's a good idea to have more children with this man."

I second this.

RaisingMen · 16/10/2014 19:53

From what you've said about your husband, it would be incredibly foolish to even consider more children with him.

RaisingMen · 16/10/2014 19:53

From what you've said about your husband, it would be incredibly foolish to even consider more children with him.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/10/2014 19:56

If you are 32 and DC is 2 then you are about the same age I was when I had my first, I was just barely 29. I was 34 when I had my second. You have time to think about things as does he, unless there are fertility issues involved.

To trick a man into having a child is despicable. He has an absolute right to decide he doesn't want another child, even if he originally wanted 20!

If you truly want another child and he is adamant then your only option is to leave him.

Remember, though, that there is never a guarantee of having a child. Even if he were to change his mind or you were to leave tomorrow, there is no guarantee that you will get pregnant. That's just the way the world works. Do you want to give up a 'definite' family (husband and one child) for a 'maybe' family (a new partner & child or no partner & child by AI). Because those are the only honourable options.

Flexibilityisquay · 16/10/2014 20:10

In relation to having more children, it sounds like you do have two choices, stay and accept you will only have one child, or leave and take your chances. However after your later post about your DH then I think it should be a fairly easy choice to make. I am not sure what is making you want to stay TBH.

Iggi999 · 16/10/2014 20:17

I am often dissatisfied with various aspects of my dh's behaviour; then I read a thread such as this and realise what a gem he is compared to controlling autocratic partners like this one.

Heels99 · 16/10/2014 20:26

Ok he doesnot let you have money, totally different issue, you need help, do not have another child with him!

Suckitup · 16/10/2014 20:30

Why on earth is he not allowing you any money? Why would you want another child with him if you are not allowed to work or have money?

You are in a very unusual set-up. I think the home-schooling is for the wrong reasons (control, keeping you in your place.)

No wonder you are angry with him.

LadyLuck10 · 16/10/2014 20:38

Your story changed since
You are so resentful of him making all the decisions and want to leave him, yet you desperately want a child with him. It doesn't make sense.

soundevenfruity · 16/10/2014 20:38

Run! I would consult a divorce lawyer on a quiet and talk to the bank (is your name on the account?).

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 16/10/2014 20:39

Wow, you have lots of problems there, he is extremely controlling and as you say, you are basically subordinate to him, he's the boss, he controls the finances, how you spend your day (you say home schooling is both your choices, but it's not actually a choice really I don't think from what you've said), whether you work and whether you have another child. This just isn't an equal adult relationship at all.

You sound like you were pretty independent with a good career- how have you got into this situation, if you don't mind me asking? Is he older than you, how did you know him? Did you have a much more democratic relationship before you had your one child?

What would happen if you announced that actually you have also changed your mind and would like to put your child into school, or that you are restarting your old job, or would like to share the finances equally? These are all things you should be able to discuss and negotiate. You can't, this is deeply worrying, and I fear staying in this situation will make you feel very trapped indeed.

Have you got any friends you could talk with, or a relative? Or counseling (although I have a feeling your husband might control that too:()

ZuluBob · 16/10/2014 21:00

Oh dear, this all sounds so sad. Clearly it would be very foolish to have another child with this man even if he was willing. Do you think it wouldbe a good idea to see a relationship counsellor with your DH.

I can understand that you feel massively dissapointed that your DH doesn't want another child but to feel 'angry' and 'resentful' is very unreasonable. He has changed his mind he hasn't (presumably) deceived you.

If you want to put your sons interests first then the best thing to do would be to see if it's possible to salvage your relationship with your DH. He clearly has to make some massive changes as he sounds like a bit of a bastard at the moment.

findingherfeet · 16/10/2014 21:21

I'm the opposite, hubs wants more children, I'm happy with (and exhausted by) our two. Before we were parents I'd said 'sure! Let's have four!'....but i was clueless to the physical/emotional and practical demands young children bring.

My husband might be hoping I change my mind but he isn't suggesting he'll leave me! If he gave me an ultimatum in my mind perhaps the marriage would be over anyway...

It has to be a joint decision, getting pregnant without his consent is immature and unfair in my opinion.

zippey · 16/10/2014 21:27

Your husband has too much control in this relationship. Why is he in charge of giving you money? Its like he gives you pocket money, but you're not a child. You should have equal access to decision making.

This is not an equal partnership. I would think twice before having any more children with this man, unless you are happy to live under his thumb.

Joysmum · 16/10/2014 22:42

Before we had our child we had no idea what it'd be like to be parents so when we felt fulfilled by having one (and traumatised by a difficult labour) it was a surprise to both of us.

It would be stupid to assume you'll know for sure how many kids you want in advance with so many variables and no prior experience.

Why you'd want children with a man who carols your finances I struggle to understand.

tribpot · 16/10/2014 23:01

I don't get why the baby period was supposedly so difficult for him, he wasn't even there for most of it. It sounds like what he means is, he had to share too much of your attention with a helpless child and has no intention of allowing that to happen again.

You seem to have been backed into a position of absolutely no power in your relationship. I would suggest you start asserting yourself. You can't force him to want another child but you have choices. And you need access to the household finances.

Doodledot · 16/10/2014 23:11

His behaviour is actually scaring me

Sabrinnnnnnnna · 16/10/2014 23:33

OP - I'm really sorry to say that the problems in your marriage run way deeper than not being allowed to have another child. He sounds like he is controlling, isolating you and financially abusive. Sorry.

Roonerspism · 16/10/2014 23:39

I think I would run for the hills, OP.

Where do you see yourself ten years from now, if you stay with this man? You will be completely financially dependent, no career, resentful you have lost your chance to have more children and your son will not have attended school. Eek......

zipzap · 16/10/2014 23:49

thing that strikes me reading this - who decided that he was going to be the boss in this marriage? he seems to have decided that he will be the one that makes decisions instead of it being a partnership where you both jointly agree things.

What would happen if you said fine, if you're not keeping your end of the bargain then I'm going back to work? not negotiable. And see how he likes it when the tables get turned on him?

He doesn't seem to recognise that there are two of you in a partnership - he seems very selfish to not begin to understand that you are a person with wants, needs and wishes too, your everything does not revolve around him!

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