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Original poster

How long can I stay with her?

104 replies

wickedgame · 16/10/2014 06:52

My wife and I of 4 years have two beautiful girls (6 and 3) and house with mortgage. Found out my wife has fallen out of love with me and desires another man at her work. She won't leave me and the girls, but she doesn't want me to leave as either will hurt and upset the girls. I've been trying hard to make it work for weeks and show her how much I love her and care. I can't do any more, but my wife wants time to see if or how her feelings change. This is really hard for me and my heart is broken. Winning her back could take months, but it seems she's only really interested in sleeping with others and not me. She wants a loveless, fake marriage where we appear normal and play happy families and then both see other people. I can't do this though and need to be loved and desired by one person, who I feel the same about. I don't know how long it can go on like this!? I feel trapped and like I can't do anything. I love al my girls and never want to leave or hurt them. I don't feel like I have much choice though. How long would you give your partner in this situation? If we didn't have the girls I would have walked out on day one...

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 17/10/2014 22:26

Divulge is, IMHO, not the done thing

Sorry, hit send too soon

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 17/10/2014 22:59

This is really harsh, but the way you are accepting all this is going to be a real turn-off for your wife. I'm sorry, but most men would not accept this. The fact that she can be so open about this all shows that she knew you would react as accepting as you are. I couldn't fancy a man so willing to accept any old shit I dish out. I think it's only a matter of time before its over.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 17/10/2014 23:00

I said 'accept' four times there!

You've accepted it. So what's your next move? And what go you actually want?

savemefromrickets · 18/10/2014 08:07

DP accepted similar behaviour from his previous girlfriend when the I relationship ended. He stayed living in the house, paying the bills and taking her and the kids out as a 'family' (when she wasn't off shagging the man from work). He'd have done anything to keep the status quo as he is a creature of routine and loves his kids. He regrets it now he has some confidence in himself.

One thing I don't understand is why he didn't fight for his kids. He could have been the resident parent but he saw her as a brilliant mum whose priority was the kids. Over the last few years, he's realised that he'd been wearing rose tinted specs, after all someone who puts the kids first doesn't withhold the father access whenever she is pissed off that his life has ended up happier than hers.

Often the person to instigate break-ups end up unhappier than the person who ended it in the first place.

emma16 · 18/10/2014 08:25

If you call her bluff & go to your parents, in my opinion you would be going with the chance that she might actually be fine & realise she does want to be on her own.
Calling peoples bluff is a very tricky game to play & can really back fire. It could make her realise how much she does love you & her whole family together or, she might actually enjoy you not being there. That sounds very blunt & harsh doesn't it & I really don't mean that to upset you. Just saying how it could work out.

You do need to try to win your wife back as such, but it depends how far down the line she's already gone.
Do you know why she's interested in other men as such? Meaning why aren't things right between you both? Have you asked her why or at what point did she not feel like a wife should about her husband & wanting you in her life?

I don't think you should move out, your home is as much yours as it is hers. If you go searching for legal advice, i feel like you'd already be taking the steps down the road of separating. I think you need to really decide & talk to her first, then based on what she say's, then seek legal advice.

Really sorry for what your going through. Keep your head up though, think of your daughters & just try your best as far as what your prepared to do, whilst keeping hold of your dignity & self respect

lunar1 · 18/10/2014 08:29

Do t leave your home, if she wants to change things she can go.

Original poster
wickedgame · 20/10/2014 10:07

Thanks everyone! This is NOT a fake post and a horrible reality that I'm struggling to deal with. Maybe I said some silly things and tried to be positive and joke about it, but this is 100% true :-(

There was signs of things improving recently, but turns out we're just going round in circles. The sad truth I have to deal with is she does not love me any more. What makes it worse is that she wants to be with someone else already. He might only want her for sex/fun though and it doesn't sound like he's going to leave his wife and family. He did annoy and upset her though, by pushing for a threesome with his wife and my wife doesn't want this.

My wife won't leave me and doesn't want me to leave as it will upset the children. I can't carry on like this though, so it seems I have to make the decision. I believe she hasn't done anything with him yet, even though there has been some worrying signs. I know she wants to do things with him though. It would be easier if she had cheated, then I could walk out.
Had it out with her this morning and going to chat again tonight. At least
we're talking and being civil, but I've told her how hard this is for me and I can't be with someone that doesn't love me. She has to accept I can't do this. I don't want to upset the children, but I don't see what choice I have.

OP posts:
Original poster
wickedgame · 20/10/2014 10:17

Might show this thread to the wife later, as she's not prepared to talk to or listen to anyone that might talk some sense in to her or be the voice of reason.

OP posts:
MargotThreadbetter · 20/10/2014 10:24

She sounds unbelievably selfish and you'll be much better off without her OP.

Original poster
wickedgame · 23/10/2014 13:55

Gave up and said I was going to find someone else and each day a small part of my love for her was starting to die. She got upset after I said this and then I found out she doesn't want me to look for someone else really, even though she's been suggesting this all along!? I guess the thought of me with someone else might have changed something in her mind. Not sure if things are starting to pick-up now, or if this just keeps things as they are for a bit longer and stops any big decisions or changes from happening...?

OP posts:
gildedcage · 23/10/2014 14:32

I haven't read this entire thread so excuse me if this has already been said, don't play games. You threatened her with getting someone else and she took the bait.

I have sympathy for your position but you are expending alot of time thinking about what she wants.

Think now about what you want. Why after all would you want to be married to someone who has this amount of disregard for fidelity...which to most people is a necessity within marriage.

Annarose2014 · 23/10/2014 15:26

Unfortunately what you want to have changed is that she suddenly had this realisation that she loved you desperately all along, but thats not what happened.

What happened is that she realised she might end up alone, with no man - and even you, who she no longer loves, is better than no-one.

It would be very very sad to be that little to someone. Literally something thats better than nothing.

ApocalypseThen · 23/10/2014 19:58

I do. Passive and aggressive, self-pitying and vengeful, are flip sides of the same coin. Easy path to slip down, either way.

Before I read your post, I was going to say the same thing. This passive aggressive self pity is toxic, OP. Maybe your current relationship can't be saved, but it's sure that if you travel down this road, you will become an unpleasant person to be around. Nobody likes this kind of thing. I know it's protecting yourself, but your problem isn't you being nice, it's your wife bring awful. Her behaviour might end your relationship. Don't let it make you into someone who destroys their chance to find future happiness.

Original poster
wickedgame · 24/10/2014 07:14

You lot are good at this... I'm in a happy place at the moment and have accepted the fact I still might have to move on. Just need to work out if or how much my wife still feels for me and wants me. If it's just, I'm better than her being alone and she's still texting and flirting with this guy at work, moving on is what i'll have to do. I can't wait forever, hoping she'll change. She might end up alone and sad, but that's not my fault, so I won't feel guilty.

OP posts:
WildBillfemale · 24/10/2014 07:29

She wants a loveless, fake marriage where we appear normal and play happy families and then both see other people

So basically she wants to stay in her financially stable home whilst looking for someone else to take her on. She won't be staying when she does.

Tell her to eff right off. She's walking all over you and showing no respect. Make it clear it's not the sort of marriage you want and tell her to decide.

WildBillfemale · 24/10/2014 07:33

and

His wife did text my wife from his phone and said "you've won, you can have him - he's all yours''

and condoms in her bag........

mate wise up, there is an affair going on under your nose, kick her out

ApocalypseThen · 24/10/2014 07:34

Just need to work out if or how much my wife still feels for me and wants me.

Let her work that our for herself. Your job is to work out whether you want her now that you have some insight into how she is capable of treating you and your children.

savemefromrickets · 24/10/2014 08:28

I wish DP was here to give you the benefit if experience as he's been there and got the t-shirt.

There's no need to mention finding someone else and, from experience, I would definitely recommend not finding someone else straight away anyway. It does you good to be on your own for a bit especially as you have kids to think about.

I'd be wary of her turning round and saying that she got it all wrong and it's you she wants. Blinding revelations can be very convenient but the truth is it takes weeks or months to go 'off' a partner so it's fair to say it takes at least the same amount of time for the feelings to return.

ImperialBlether · 24/10/2014 08:37

Is your wife on MN, OP?

Original poster
wickedgame · 24/10/2014 09:50

Her feelings have apparently been going off me for the last couple of years and that's how long she's know this other guy at work. I feel stupid now as I misunderstood her text about her not wanting me to see other people and she does want me to see other people. So, I am going to start. If/when I find someone new I might not want to hang around either and we'll have to work out a way to sort the mess out that will be created. I hope we can keep the house and not disrupt the girls but that will be financially hard as she doesn't earn much and the guy she likes doesn't earn much either. Also, he doesn't look like he's going to leave his wife and family for he anyway.
I think she's rather be single than with me, so here goes... Wish me luck. Thanks again for all your advice :-)

My wife is on here, but I don't know here username. I doubt the guy she likes or his wife is on here. It would be interesting to see what she'd posted though, probably be a real eye-opener and help me move on and speed up the time it takes for me to stop loving her.

I should really start to learn and use
all the acronyms on here...

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 24/10/2014 11:09

WickedGame, trust me, leaping into another relationship is not the answer. And if you're doing it to make your wife jealous, you are wasting your time. She'll be glad you're off her hands because she's already moved on.

And it's hardly a fair thing to do to another woman is it? shag her / get her emotionally involved as part of a game you are playing with your DW.

Don't stoop to her level. Think about just you and the DC. This isn't a soap opera for you to play with people's lives. It's real life

ImperialBlether · 24/10/2014 11:24

So your wife comes on here and in all likelihood thinks of this as her safe haven. Does she know you're posting on here? Are you hoping we will all agree with you and then she'll read it?

Original poster
wickedgame · 24/10/2014 11:39

I almost don't care now. I was going to show her this anyway. I'm not trying to hurt her or use someone else to get over her. I've just accepted she's not in love with me and it's time for me to find someone else. I'm not looking for sex, I'm looking for a new relationship and someone to fall in love with.
I don't want to use or upset anyone. I'm not hoping to get everyone on my side and against my wife and she's done nothing wrong. At least she's finally told me and been honest. I just needed some help/advice along the way while I was in denial.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 24/10/2014 12:17

It's not time for you to find somone else!

It might be time to move forward. To heal. To find out again who you are and what you want. To spend some time with your DC.

In time, that may or may not include meeting someone else.

But please be assured that sticking a big paster over this gaping wound now will only cause you serious problems in the future. Possibly taking someone else down with you

OhSoSharp · 24/10/2014 12:49

OP, it's not really fair on some as-yet unknown woman to be your rebound relationship, your "see? Other people still want me!" two-fingered-salute to your wife. And it certainly isn't being fair or true to yourself.

You're agreeing to something that you've been quite clear up to now that you don't want to do, and for all your brave words about looking for someone new "to fall in love with", I suspect this is more to do with hurt pride and revenge.

Your wife has behaved abominably. She has admitted she doesn't love you, which must have been an incredibly hurtful thing to hear, and she has said she wants to sleep with other men. Even if by some unlikely miracle Mr Leopardskin's penis hasn't penetrated her vagina yet, she has shown that she wants to cheat with him. You don't need any more reason to ask her to leave than that, even if it's only to take some breathing space and take stock. It shouldn't be her deciding whether or how much she wants you, it should be the other way round.