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Original poster

How long can I stay with her?

104 replies

wickedgame · 16/10/2014 06:52

My wife and I of 4 years have two beautiful girls (6 and 3) and house with mortgage. Found out my wife has fallen out of love with me and desires another man at her work. She won't leave me and the girls, but she doesn't want me to leave as either will hurt and upset the girls. I've been trying hard to make it work for weeks and show her how much I love her and care. I can't do any more, but my wife wants time to see if or how her feelings change. This is really hard for me and my heart is broken. Winning her back could take months, but it seems she's only really interested in sleeping with others and not me. She wants a loveless, fake marriage where we appear normal and play happy families and then both see other people. I can't do this though and need to be loved and desired by one person, who I feel the same about. I don't know how long it can go on like this!? I feel trapped and like I can't do anything. I love al my girls and never want to leave or hurt them. I don't feel like I have much choice though. How long would you give your partner in this situation? If we didn't have the girls I would have walked out on day one...

OP posts:
Original poster
wickedgame · 16/10/2014 08:51

They've been friends and flirting for some time apparently. Maybe a year or so. Threesomes and wife swaps have been joked about. It's made me feel pretty sick... There's feelings there too, she might even love him. I don't see how she can be so obsessed by him and want him so much if they are just friends that flirt. Makes her story hard to fully believe.

OP posts:
BIWI · 16/10/2014 08:53

That's awful. You shouldn't have to leave. If she doesn't love you and doesn't want you as a husband, then she should be the one to leave.

Original poster
wickedgame · 16/10/2014 08:57

Maybe she's not telling me the full story as I'd leave her instantly, if I knew she'd done anything with him. I might have to confront him one day and take the bull by the horns! What sort of older guy jokes to a married woman (with young children) about them having sex, wife swaps and swinging. She's almost 35 and he's 51. He's been married 21 years, is still with his wife and has 2 children too. At least I know everything.... I think. It's all a bit close to home though.

OP posts:
HerdyHerdwick · 16/10/2014 08:57

Agree, Biwi.

OP, does his wife know about their "friendship" ?

CurtWild · 16/10/2014 08:57

She wants the single life then let her be the one to leave and have just that. Why should you be the one to go? Why should your DD's be uprooted when you clearly handle their morning routine well and actually have put them first in all this. So far your DW has had it all her own way. If you're both named on the mortgage/rental agreement then tell her you'll be staying put with DD's and if she wants the single life, she knows where the door is. Bit of tough love might just help. You don't want your marriage to end, I get that, but so far she's having her cake and eating it.

Original poster
wickedgame · 16/10/2014 08:58

This could easily all blow up and affect 8 people's lives :-(

OP posts:
HerdyHerdwick · 16/10/2014 08:59

He's not your problem, OP. Your wife is your problem.

Original poster
wickedgame · 16/10/2014 09:00

Thanks, I do need to be tough. I'm too nice, caring, sensitive and forgiving. I've got a very high limit/tolerance, but once it goes I'm not going to have any time or patience for this sick joke.

OP posts:
Original poster
wickedgame · 16/10/2014 09:03

Yes, it's my wife I care about. Shame he doesn't seem to care about his. Maybe they deserve each other and breaking up will be doing me a favour? Lots of nice, honest, loyal and loving women out there who want to settle down and be in love with one man.

OP posts:
hmc · 16/10/2014 09:10

So sorry you are going through this.

From what you describe I think there is little point in trying to win back her affections. She doesn't seem to respect you or your feelings and from her perspective the relationship is dead. It's awful, and it has been foisted upon you, but I think you need to end the relationship and start the painful process of making a new life.

Original poster
wickedgame · 16/10/2014 09:12

His wife knows something, but not who my wife is or that they all work together. His wife did text my wife from his phone and said "you've won, you can have him - he's all yours". My wife says he's deleted her number now, but she sees him at work three mornings a week.

OP posts:
SweetErmengarde · 16/10/2014 09:20

Fully prepared to get flames here, but I don't understand all the hate directed at the OP's wife.

Taking things at facevalue, she has not cheated or lied, she has been honest with the OP about her feelings and, far from having her cake and eating it, has suggested an open marriage so that neither she nor the OP has to be a part time parent.

As lifestyles go, open marriage is not for everyone, so I understand that it wasn't what the OP wanted to hear, but the people I know in open relationships certainly wouldn't describe them as "fake" or "loveless".

I understand that the OP is hurt and does not want that lifestyle, but none of this makes his wife a bad person or a bad parent.

The OP should read "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You" by Andrew G. Marshall to understand the situation more fully, and should try to check him emotions and have a frank discussion with his wife. If he isn't on board with an open marriage (most people wouldn't be, so perfectly understandable), he needs to state that he will not continue a relationship on those terme and not be afraid to put separation on the table. No crying or attempting to "win her back" as this would not be constructive.

springydaffs · 16/10/2014 09:26

I'd only flame you for talking about the op in the third person.

Chrissy41 · 16/10/2014 09:29

Sorry but she has cheated - sorry, but all this angst over a man she hasn't had sex with. Of course she has.

OP - see a solicitor and find your self respect and get rid. Don't wait round for her to choose you as the booby prize.

Open marriage - how awful. Being single and having self respect is far more favourable.

kaykayblue · 16/10/2014 09:31

As usual, nice guys don't always win. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind

Okay, I get that you are upset, and you have every right to be, but this here is total bullshit. "Nice guys don't always win". Urgh. This isn't about "nice guys come last" clichés. Trusting people can be taken advantage of by their partners. That's it. Exactly the same thing happens to women just as often - if not significantly more so.

And the cruel to be kind? No. That isn't a thing. That's something that bullies say to justify treating others badly. No-one needs to be "cruel" to be kind. All you need to do is decide whether you can accept the (rather one sided) terms your wife is offering, and if not, set boundaries in place. That could be telling her to leave. It could be leaving yourself. That will depend on who covers the majority of childcare between you two I guess.

None of that is cruelty. That is having self respect.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/10/2014 09:32

Oh OP you poor thing. It sounds like an awful situation you're in

A couple of things. You say your wife's No 1 priority is the girls. It's not though is it? It's herself

And I would be very very sceptical about her assertion that they haven't slept together. Very sceptical indeed

I'm so sorry

BitOutOfPractice · 16/10/2014 09:34

kaykay crikey give the guy a break! You knew what he meant!

HerdyHerdwick · 16/10/2014 09:38

"His wife did text my wife from his phone and said "you've won, you can have him - he's all yours". "

Did you see this text ?
That message tells me that there is far more going on here than workplace flirting and your wife being infatuated with a colleague and her no longer being in love with you.
His wife knows.

HerdyHerdwick · 16/10/2014 09:40

Also what was the timing of this text in relation to when your wife started talking to you seriously about this?

It's looking like they've been having an affair, his wife has found out and your wife is doing the usual minimising script to try to protect herself.

Original poster
wickedgame · 16/10/2014 09:44

Thanks for seeing things from both sides. If she's not cheated I don't hate her. At least she told me how she feels. She's not really telling me more now and it feels like there is more. She's only talked about it with fiends in similar or disfunctional relationships. I want her to talk to her family or a friend in a good relationship. Or even a single friend that might doesn't have views like the friends she's spoken to. I'm not going to be cruel or nasty. We have to talk and I have to decide what I'm going to do about it. We both want each other to be happy. Maybe that's just not together for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
wickedgame · 16/10/2014 09:45

This all came out a few weeks ago

OP posts:
Original poster
wickedgame · 16/10/2014 09:46

I'd like to know what his wife knows and thinks, but I don't know nor have had any contact with him or his wife.

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 16/10/2014 09:52

If she isn't happy with your home life, then she needs to leave.

I would be very surprised if she hasn't had sex with him, but frankly, it's not really the point. She wants to and she doesn't want to be with you. She has cheated on you emotionally not physically and that's often harder to forgive.

She doesn't want you to be happy, she wants you to be there to mind the girls & contribute financially. IF she wanted you to be happy she wouldn't be blathering on about all these other men, she's being nasty.

Pack her a bag and tell her to go and stay with one of her friends. Stop letting her walk all over you.

At first you can simply tell the girls that Mummy has had to go away for work - kids will believe that.

ChippingInLatteLover · 16/10/2014 09:54

It doesn't matter what his wife knows/thinks or what he wants.

All that matters is your wife wants to be with other men, as bitter a pill as that is to swallow, that's what she is telling you.

Tell her you are done, pack her bag, tell her to leave.

Preciousbane · 16/10/2014 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.