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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How long can I stay with her?

104 replies

wickedgame · 16/10/2014 06:52

My wife and I of 4 years have two beautiful girls (6 and 3) and house with mortgage. Found out my wife has fallen out of love with me and desires another man at her work. She won't leave me and the girls, but she doesn't want me to leave as either will hurt and upset the girls. I've been trying hard to make it work for weeks and show her how much I love her and care. I can't do any more, but my wife wants time to see if or how her feelings change. This is really hard for me and my heart is broken. Winning her back could take months, but it seems she's only really interested in sleeping with others and not me. She wants a loveless, fake marriage where we appear normal and play happy families and then both see other people. I can't do this though and need to be loved and desired by one person, who I feel the same about. I don't know how long it can go on like this!? I feel trapped and like I can't do anything. I love al my girls and never want to leave or hurt them. I don't feel like I have much choice though. How long would you give your partner in this situation? If we didn't have the girls I would have walked out on day one...

OP posts:
HerdyHerdwick · 16/10/2014 10:03

OP I have the feeling that if you found out that it was a physical affair, that would be your dealbreaker. It sounds as if at the moment you're still not at that point. Apologies if I'm mistaken.
I do agree with PPs that this has gone too far with the information that you have already. But if proof of a physical affair would make it easier for you to go ahead and end the marriage, then do whatever it takes to find proof. Do you have access to your wife's phone, tablet/laptop etc?

Bloomingflower1 · 16/10/2014 10:12

You sound like the classic plan B OP. You are a pleasant loving husband who fulfils certain needs for your wife, but unfortunately she loves(if it is love) another man. She would probably leave you if the OM was available. Be strong and turn this on its head. In the near future I would start divorce proceedings or at the very least go 180 (look it up, it works for a few). You should not be chasing as she has left the emotional marriage and has probably also had a PA as well.

At present you are being used. Your wife tells you that you should stay together for the kids, but how are you (and they) going to feel in doing so? Best of luck in your painful situation.

Original poster
wickedgame · 16/10/2014 10:22

She bought him a leopard skin thong for his birthday, but didn't give it to him (so she says) as I found it. She says it was just a joke present. I've also found condoms in her bag, but she says they were for us. I've promised I won't look on her phone, but it probably holds the answers and the evidence.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 16/10/2014 10:30

Kaykay makes some important and necessary points though, Practice. Understandably, op is looking at this in a b&w way at present (and in many ways it is b&w) but saying 'as usual, nice guys don't win the girl' is self-pitying at worst, and plain misguided. It is not true that 'nice guys' get shat on for being nice guys. It also pours petrol on an already inflamed situation to 'hit her back'. Understandable though it is to want revenge, being 'cruel' to be 'kind' is revenge, which is abuse. It also throws up a smokescreen to blot out the very real pain of being betrayed.

I also think using the word 'pleasant' to describe op, a bog-standard committed husband, is patronising. It buys into the 'cuckolded' myth, that only an idiot, a mild idiot, would face a situation like this. Not true. Let's extend some dignity here, it could, and does, happen to anyone.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/10/2014 10:50

Springy I think we all know that he was trying to say that he feels that he has, so far, been too accomodating to his DW's wife's desires (nice guys don't win) and he needs to toughen up, get his self esteem up and running again, and tell her that this is not acceptable to him (cruel to be kind). Which is what we have all been saying. I don't think all the cries of Ugh and bullshit were necessary tbh

And yeah, it is perfectly understandable that he feels self-pitying and crap. So would anyone in these circs.

OP I think you know the condoms weren't for you two Sad

rb32 · 16/10/2014 11:01

Springy - good post.

OP, she's taking the piss. Tell her she needs to go and sort herself out. It's over, she's got eyes for someone else and unless you're ok with her sleeping around then there is no way back to what you once had.

I know it's tough but it's alot easier to realise this early on. I've got a friend going through a similar thing, though he's atleast moved out. He keeps pining for her, going back sleeping with her etc. She's having her cake and eating it (with other men) and it's killing him.

Ask her to leave since she can't get the kids to school because of work. Tell as many people in real life as possible why she's leaving. You'll be flooded with support to help you get through this.

springydaffs · 16/10/2014 11:10

I don't think all the cries of Ugh and bullshit were necessary tbh.

I do. Passive and aggressive, self-pitying and vengeful, are flip sides of the same coin. Easy path to slip down, either way.

I think we are all saying the same thing, give or take, ie urging you to be assertive, op. Which doesn't mean aggressive - though hard to keep track when emotions are running high, certainly. Boundaries are needed here and to erect those you need to be looking at you, not her: what do you want (how do you expect to be treated). You expect to be treated with dignity and respect, which isn't happening; so takes steps to protect yourself and your boundaries. Eg she wants to be mooning over some other guy, buying him leopardskin pants (ffs), expecting you to support her going to work (where she's having an affair with a colleague), expecting yoh to suck it up etc. It's not about what she wants, it's about what you want: do you want to be treated so badly? Then take steps to protect yourself.

CheersMedea · 16/10/2014 11:11

What a terrible way to behave. And people only do this because they can get away with.

Absolutely not advice - just making a point - but I'd like to see how she'd react if you came home and said "Do you know what I agree with you completely. Let's have an open marriage. There's this hot 20 year old girl at work whose always had a thing for me. Last night she declared her feelings for me. I'm taking her to Paris this weekend. Just tell the kids I'm on a work trip. I think I'm falling for this girl she's incredible."

She's taking advantage of your feelings for her so she can muck around with this married guy. Whether you want the marriage to continue or not, you need to take back control and re-gain her respect.

MarionSnippet · 16/10/2014 11:11

Sounds like your DCs need some love and care and protection from the current upset. Are there kindly grandparents who could help ensure they have routine and consistency; it seems their little world is about to be turned upside down.

PedantMarina · 16/10/2014 12:09

AnyFucker mentioned the Pick Me Dance - here's the link to it.

Chump Lady in general is good reading. Highly recommended.

Original poster
wickedgame · 16/10/2014 17:23

Thanks everyone! I know what to do and how to do it now. I need to start living my life and think about my own happiness for once. Besides, nice things happen to nice people... ;-) One life, live it!

OP posts:
Original poster
wickedgame · 16/10/2014 17:24

From chump to champ!

OP posts:
magoria · 16/10/2014 17:28

If she hasn't slept with him (condoms are for you two when she doesn't want you any more right...) then why would his wife say she has won and he is hers?

If she hasn't slept with him it is only a matter of time until she does.

You deserve better.

Leave her to her sordid grubby little office affair and concentrate on you and your DC.

Bloomingflower1 · 16/10/2014 18:51

Wicked. So that you are aware, the "pleasant" I used in my post was not intended to imply that I consider you to be an idiot. So that all are aware.

springydaffs · 17/10/2014 00:30

Oh wicked, you should be in the meja coming up with slogans like 'chump to champ' Grin

helpmekeepstrong · 17/10/2014 00:47

Hmmmmmm.

Coughle · 17/10/2014 04:57

Reported

BeeRayKay · 17/10/2014 09:30

what's been reported?

Coughle · 17/10/2014 09:30

The op.

HerdyHerdwick · 17/10/2014 09:39

I reported it yesterday, HQ came back to me and said it looked ok which I accept. I'd already stopped posting on it by then, mostly because of the drip feeding which made me Hmm.

springydaffs · 17/10/2014 14:08

It could have been a phrase from some of the links posted.

drip feeding fine by me - op's can be cumbersome if every aspect of the story is covered, plus poster's can be overwhelmed with what's happening and in a tizz.

i'm finding the whole 'jury' aspect a bit tiresome tbh. it's only our pride is hurt if a thread is a fake - so what if it's a fake. Plenty of people who read these threads have something similar happening in their lives and can gain some solace from responses. Real life can definitely be as outlandish as this story imo.

CheersMedea · 17/10/2014 14:46

I don't get this. I'm pretty new here but I'm getting that someone just assumed this thread was fake and reported it.

Based on what exactly?

I've also read that poof thread about threads disappearing. Every time some posts something do you all sit around assessing whether this is genuine like spectres at the feast. It's a bit over-suspicious mind isn't it? I mean fair enough if it's obvious baiting - but what was wrong with this thread?

I just don't get it. It must be really hurtful if someone posts a genuine problem and people start reporting them as fakers.

Even (which I don't see) it is fake, it isn't hurting anyone is it? It's not offensive or deliberately provocative. It's a free choice whether to respond to anything and as springydaffs says others may get help from it. No different from a made up problem on an agony aunt page.

I'd still like to know what's supposedly wrong with this thread.

hmc · 17/10/2014 15:18

Well I'm not pretty new here (10 years Shock ), and I can't see what is wrong with this thread either!

HerdyHerdwick · 17/10/2014 15:18

"I've also read that poof thread about threads disappearing. Every time some posts something do you all sit around assessing whether this is genuine like spectres at the feast. It's a bit over-suspicious mind isn't it?"

As I've mentioned that I reported the thread yesterday - and HQ have said it's genuine - I'm assuming your question is aimed at me and one other poster.

The answer is no, I don't sit around assessing threads. However, some aspects of this thread made me go Hmm. If I detail any more of what made me question it, that will be unfair to the OP.
I reported it and HQ confirmed that this time my suspicions were wrong. Subject closed on this thread.

You've mentioned that you're quite new, so if you want to know what makes people suspicious about certain threads, you could open a thread at Site Stuff, so it's not detracting from the issue at hand and taking a sensitive thread more off topic.

And btw, HQ do encourage members to report any threads they have doubts about.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/10/2014 22:25

Herdy tbh I think you've been a bit trigger happy here. Report it if you like. Coming on the thread to say you've reported it and then saying "I have my reasons that I'm not divulging" is IMHO, not on prepared to

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