Is there really anything wrong with moving "too fast"?

[peanutbuttercupfield]

I've met an amazing man, who ticks all the boxes (apparently I tick all his boxes too) yet I've been told by others that we are moving "too fast". I have spoken to him about this and we both agree that we are behaving like a couple of giddy teenagers but I truly believe that I've met my match in him.

I'm not naive and I know that everyone puts their best foot forward at first but we've been honest with each other (as far as I'm concerned) and we know the good, the bad and the ugly in regards to our past.

We've been together for two months and thinking about moving in together sometime down the line.. although it feels as if it could be sooner rather than later.

Has anyone had any experiences like this that's ended positively or even negatively?

extra information: I'm 27 and he's 45. I'm also divorced with no children. I have been divorced for 3 years and dated two men in between.

What's the big rush? These early days are fun, make the most of them!

I think the age gap could potentially cause issues further down the line. My friend has a v similar gap between her and her dh and while he was very dynamic and youthful at 50, he's now late 60s and has slowed down considerably. He's retired and she works full time to support them both and their son - the differences are much more apparent than they were even 10 years ago.

I think the comment upthread about how the long distance means you haven't actually spent all that much time together is spot on. This means even more than usual that you are both on your best behaviour - you presumably aren't getting to see how you each are after a bad day at work etc, or any of the nitty gritty day to day stuff that can really get on your nerves after a while

It's also a bit of a worry how much you are potentially giving up here. Don't be too hasty to move. Is he prepared to move? Why is it you making all the sacrifices? How easy would it be for you to move back if it doesn't work out? What happens if you change your mind about children later?

I'm really sorry to hear about his wife dying I've seen friends in similar situations fall headlong into relationships too. Maybe it's something about having confronted your own mortality at a relatively young age, I don't know. I'm thinking of one friend in particular who did this with a couple of relationships and they predictably crashed and burned. Interestingly, he took things much more slowly with his latest partner and they look much more likely to stay the course.

Sorry to sound so negative but please do be careful.

No- age is not just a number. It's usually a sign of how much experience someone has chalked up, their upbringing, their stage of life re. work / retirement, and in women their biological clock.

You contradict yourself on kids.

You said you told him you didn't wan any- then a few posts back you say you don't want any until you have got your career sorted.

Which is it?

If he is willing to consider being a first time father at 50+ fine- if not, you need to both re-think over where this is going.

You have no idea how you will feel about having kids later on. I have a friend who decided not to have kids when she was in her mid 30s. Now, in her late 50s she is terribly sad and regretful that she doesn't have any.

^^ what Cogito said at 14.43.

I agree with the ''what's the rush'' approach - I definitely would not be upping sticks 2 months into a relationship. You don't know each other - not really. It takes time to really get to know people. I just ended a 9-month relationship. After 2 months I was where you are. I am very very glad that we didn't move in together (it was dicussed early on).

Issues like approach to the age gap & the desire to be a parent or not etc are things that do need to be compatible. 27 is really really young to be ruling out ever wanting children.

Your friends will want the best for you, they aren't going to be sharing their concerns with you for any other reason than looking out for you.

I agree with the ''what's the rush?'' approach

Yep. Savour these early months.

I just caught up on the thread. I do feel for him having lost his wife and relatively young, too. However I do worry that this may be something you will come to have issue with later, myself having been out with someone not completely over his ex wife. I think her having been 'taken' rather than leaving may mean he has ideals that may be hard to live up to. If you have lost anyone close you may recognise the idolising part I refer to?
It may not be and I may just be reflecting what I found with a guy not over his ex, but it may be something worth bearing in mind.
As I said in my first post, please just enjoy this lovely time and don't rush. He will still be there in half a year if he is worth it

When you know you know!! I bought a house with my partner 2 months in and are still blissfully happy xx

Just to make you aware peanut that your feelings about having children can change a lot between 27 and say 35. By that time he will be 53 and most unlikely to want to reconsider whilst you could be utterly desperate for a baby. Please don't just dismiss this because it's a very, very real possibility and it could break your heart and cause massive resentment.

I'm delighted to hear of someone finding a soulmate and am not being snarky with my comments. Please have a really serious conversation about this. Women do change their minds about this all the time and once you long for a baby nothing much else will do.

I wish you good luck.

I'd only say that if you fall in love very fast I have had experience of falling out of it just as fast.

My husband moved in with me after two weeks. We are both the same age, late thirties, and we are very happy with a little one on the way. My only reservation if I were in your boots would be the age gap which is considerable. Would quite a lot of women that much his junior tick all his boxes?

You don't know someone after 2 months. Don't up your life for someone you don't really know.
If he is perfect for you he'll still be perfect in 8 months or a year or 2 years - whats the hurry?

For what it's worth, I've been in your situation though with less of an age gap, and the addition of kids on either side. I regret it. Even if neither of us had had kids, I'd have regretted it.
Things moving too fast is invariably a warning sign that something is off, and I agree with those people who point out how little time you have actually spent in each others company if you are 2 hours apart and have been dating 2 months. You don't really know him.

Your posts have set off a few warning lights for me too. So I'd suggest taking your time and seeing how it goes.

You sound excited, which is understandable. You've said he's 'amazing', 'ticks all the boxes' and that you're like a couple of giddy teenagers. That's great, but it's better not to base financial and career decisions on these feelings, and not to rush into any commitments. Wait till you're less amazed and giddy.

I'm particularly concerned that your sister says that it all seems too good to be true. You don't elaborate on why she might think this, but she hasn't plucked her concern out of the air.

So if you trust your siblings and friends, I would just consider what they've said, and slow down a bit.

At minimum: don't move away or give up your job until you really know each other a lot better.

Oh god just don't get pg.

I was you.

Two years on and we're divorced with a baby. It's hideous.

Yeah, I never thought it'd happen to me either

I would worry about the age gap. I am 46 and no way would I be interested in dating a 27 year old. I go to a leisure club where a lot of the other members are in their sixties and seventies. I was chatting today to a lady whose husband is 11 years older than her. He had a stroke two years ago and she is now his carer. She is still fit, healthy and active and he can barely walk. Of course, we all don't know what the future holds health wise but that is a huge age gap.

To add, my ex was also mid 40s. Turns out he was mega keen to get married and have kids because he was bored and just fancied playing families for a bit. Except once the family turned up he lost all interest.

He might be having a mid life crisis.

You don't know him right now. Take the time to make sure you know him through and through, when life is shit, boring, stressful and upsetting, as well as in the good bits.

Why the rush (as everyone else has said )?

Why can't you just enjoy dating?

It is a big age gap whatever anyone says, a friend of mine was involved with a married man with the same age gap as you and your BF - of course it's all fine now but in 20+ years it will all seem very different.

My brother is single and in his late 40s - I would tell anyone woman who wanted to move in with him to run a mile (hope it's not him ).

I have had relationships with older men and it can be tricky socially - it means that one partner's friends are at a very different life stage from the others, so if you socialise as a couple one of you will always be the odd one out. This may not matter now in the first flush of love but it's worth bearing in mind... especially given that your friends are not super keen on the relationship anyway.

You have NOTHING to lose by giving the relationship time to develop and making sure you're well suited and both in it for the long haul before moving in together.

I recently ended a year long relationship which turned bad but at the two months stage it was all lovely and exciting. I think you don't know someone properly until you have been with them a year and the cracks begin to show.

It must be possible to move quickly and be happy but it is risky and I definitely would not leave a job to relocate.

As for the children thing, exactly what people are warning about happened to me - I was adamant I did not want children but in my late thirties changed my mind.

My reasoning for not moving in too early is that if you leave it a year or two, you may well find something you don't like, a deal-breaker type thing (could be anything from tells small lies, or isn't honest about his past, using porn you find abhorrent, anything)- but you won't be able to rationally think it through, as you will already be living there.

Secondly, I think you need to see people in a variety of situations before living together- so with their parents (and not one visit over tea and scones), with their siblings, with colleagues, with friends. This will tell you a huge amount about them. It is also good to see them when they are not at their best so stressed, tired- how do they cope with this? Any jealousy?

Again, if this rears its head once you are living together, so much harder to leave.

I don't think you need to wait years and years- just a few more months, perhaps a year to get a good measure of a person. I have two friends who have done the moving in quickly (one within two weeks one a month) thing, one finished with him being evicted by a court, the other ran off with someone else, just never came home. Not saying it always turns out like that, you might have an amazing instinct plus excellent luck but I really don't know many people or indeed any where moving in at two months worked out.

Having said that, you have been married yourself and in other relationships- I would just say what is the rush? Why not take another six months? Why back both you and him into a corner?

Actually, that's not true, I do have one friend who moved in and got pregnant within a month and they are still together, albeit a little rockily, about 10 years later, so it can and does happen.

No rush. Enjoy the dating. Don't move in with him yet. Retain your independence. And your job.

Working from home can be very lonely. Yes, you can choose your hours BUT there is no coffee machine chit chat. No gossip. No Friday morning donuts. Unless you buy it for yourself.

Unless you have a very active social life and don't mind not socialising at work, don't do it for that alone. You will find yourself talking to the wall at times.

The age difference doesn't bother me. OH is 16 years older than me but we have the best laughs, are comfortable with each other and great sex.

You're feeling loved up. Enjoy that feeling. It's before you let things go back to how you are - that's when you can fart, burp, pee with the door open etc sort of comfort about your relationship. He's probably not seen you ill, mardy or just grouchy. You've not seen his temper, his foibles, his habits.

Give yourself time, and keep your eyes open. He may be the one for you or he may not be. Don't rush and potentially regret it. Just live for the moment.

"you won't be able to rationally think it through, as you will already be living there. " - THIS. So much. Excellent post. It is hell extricating yourself from living together if you rushed in hastily. I speak from bitter experience