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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Something needed to be done, and now I need wise words.

78 replies

Gibbsbasement · 14/10/2014 17:06

Sorry, long.

I have either just been brave or stupid. I can't decide.

I've just set a ball rolling that is huge and is going to destroy our family.

Background.
'D'H and I have been together 20 years, married for 18. We have 2 lovely DC 13 and 11.

The issue is partly we don 't communicate well (well, I try to discuss stuff and he either shuts it down and changes the subject or escalates it to an argument and starts shouting). He needs to be in 'control' and the dominant member of the household.

We have had bad patches in the past and it always seems to be me that compromises or backs down.

He seemed to have jealousy issues when our children were born and didn't like not being the focus of my attention anymore and would sulk, be deliberately unhelpful and once when I asked for help and he could see that I was struggling with 2 very small DC under 2 he said I should "just pretend I'm not here. What would you do then?"

Things reached rock bottom for me when he hit me in the head as I was holding our newborn DS in my arms. I gave him an ultimatum that if he ever hit me again I would leave him and told him to get help for his anger. Things seemed to improve but it hasn't ever been an equal or loving relationship.

So in the past 5 years he has been getting steadily more aggressive. I though he may be depressed but he refuses to look into this with our GP. I understand that he is under pressure in a new role at work and is in a lot of pain and awaiting an operation which he keeps putting off. But I don't think that is an excuse for his behaviour.

The thing is when it was just directed at me I felt I could deal with it.

In the past few years as the DC have got older and have developed their own personalities and opinions he has started to shout at and bully them. He can't stand them making noise in the house and splits them up or causes an argument if it looks like they are getting on too well.

The final straw for me was on Saturday when he became so enraged and out of control arguing about homework with our DS that he dragged him upstairs to his room and he hit him.

DS has refused to go to school so far this week. He has finger mark bruises on his arm where he held him.

So...
I have been in to school today and have told DS's tutor what happened. The tutor is going to set in motion the child safeguarding policy, some support and counselling.

But, it's niggling. Have I done the right thing? I know I have, but I'm just about to blow my family apart.

I need advice on what to do next. What should I be doing? I'm at a complete loss. I've pulled the lever to release the wrecking ball and am now waiting for the first blow.

I know this will be messy, fraught, difficult. But what have I done? I'm about to destroy their whole world.

Thanks for reaching the end.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 14/10/2014 17:18

No you are trying to save yourself and your children from a brute of a man, you should have done it years ago, he wont change, he's got steadily worse probably cos he has gotten away with it. He's an abusive arsehole, simple as that, glad you are finally doing something about it.

Destroy their world, what the world where they tiptoe around an aggressive bully who attacks both their mum and them? Seriously, once you get away from this toxic situation, you will realise it's the best thing you've ever done.

Original poster
Gibbsbasement · 14/10/2014 17:23

Jan45 - Thank you.

I am in tears thinking about what I have set in motion. It's overwhelming.

I haven't told him yet. I don't know if I can.

OP posts:
concernedaboutheboy · 14/10/2014 17:25

Nope, he released the wrecking ball when he hit and abused you, and then your son.

You've done absolutely the right thing. I do have to say that you need to brace yourself for social services' involvement. They are likely to require your H to move out I think. But that's no bad thing.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2014 17:25

You have done the right thing.

FunkyBoldRibena · 14/10/2014 17:26

Of course that is the best thing. I'm sure if they realised their world consisted of a bastarding father that hits them and their mother, they would be all for it.

concernedaboutheboy · 14/10/2014 17:26

Socila services, if involved, will help you. Don't be scared if they get in touch.

overslept · 14/10/2014 17:27

"when he hit me in the head as I was holding our newborn" Not what you need to hear but you should have left then.

"became so enraged and out of control arguing about homework with our DS that he dragged him upstairs to his room and he hit him. " That is sickening....

You are not destroying their world, you are improving it! PLEASE keep your children safe. My step father physically abused me from the age 6 to 13. My mother was terrified of him, and he made his actions always seem rational, when she argued back she got hit more. I tried to stand up to him from age 8 to protect my mum and my little sisters... Sad (crying now typing this so hope it is a genuine post).

He was stopped because the teacher asked about my black eye at school and I decided not to lie as I was so tired. I felt so guilty when they took me off to see a social worker in school a couple of hours later, I thought I had ruined everything and was scared to go home in case I made things worse or my mum was mad at me too.

Get away from this grotesque excuse for a human. He will do damage that can never be repaired to your DC.

inlectorecumbit · 14/10/2014 17:27

Well done
That was a huge first step to make and you know is it the right one for you and your DC's. This was probably just the start of what was to come.
He assaulted his DC-l would ask him to leave.
you have not destroyed your Dc's lives you have enhanced their lives by removing this angry aggressive violent man. They will thank you for it.
Be strong OP and phone the police if you are at all worried about his behaviour.
I fact it may be wise to call the non emergency number and advise them their may be repercusions and ask for some help

overslept · 14/10/2014 17:28

I must add, social services helped us lots. They helped my mum and didn't judge her or threaten to take us away. They were really good.

DwellsUndertheSink · 14/10/2014 17:30

he must have held him very hard to bruise his arms so badly. You have done the right thing, the man is a brute. If you cannot stand up for yourself, you can (and have) stood up for your children.

Your DH will now have to face the unpalatable truth of who he is, and know that other know it too. Be warned that Social Services will likely become involved.

You dont need to tell your DH, especially if you fear a backlash. he report has come from the school.

crispsarenotoneofyour5aday · 14/10/2014 17:30

You have absolutely done the right thing. You need to protect yourself and your children. Your children are old enough to understand what is going on and what your DS will take from this is that he has a wonderful caring mother who will do anything to protect him from his bullying excuse of a father.

It will be difficult, and you will regularly question whether you have done the right thing, that is human nature. Rest assured - you have.

Thumbwitch · 14/10/2014 17:31

You have absolutely done the right thing.
I know in the past this sort of thing would have been accepted in many households as normal, but he clearly has aggression issues (who in the world hits the mother of a tiny baby while she's holding him?!) and they are starting to get the better of him again. Also, as your DS gets bigger, your H will perceive him as being more of a threat to himself - he'll feel the need to play "alpha male" and, even if he doesn't hit/mistreat them physically again, he will bully them into submission to prove he is the "top dog".

This isn't good for your DC (or him, but he's probably past reclaim, tbh) so getting this out in the open and forcing it to stop is definitely best for your DC.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/10/2014 17:33

You have done the right thing.

But I feel a bit worried about you. What plans have you got for you and the DC to stay safe when you tell him.

Please make that your priority

cheerupandhaveaglassofwine · 14/10/2014 17:34

You have done the right thing, you need to protect yourself and your children

Hitting you in the head whilst holding newborn was totally unacceptable and really should have been the start of kicking him out, but you have done right as who knows what he would do next if you allow things to carry on

Original poster
Gibbsbasement · 14/10/2014 17:34

I have asked him to move in the past. Just to give us a break from walking on eggshells. He refused point blank.

You see he feels that he has the upper hand as I am a SAHM (but also company secretary of a company he runs from home and apparently an employee because I received a payslip through the post but no money) and have been told I should leave as everything belongs to him. Yes, I know this is tosh!

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 14/10/2014 17:38

Have you been to a solicitor? I'd do that ASAP if I were you.

overslept · 14/10/2014 17:40

Ohhh goodness Gibbs, he has been this controlling with money too? This situation sounds awful. Do you have friends or family you can go to? You need to get somewhere safe as when he finds out about this he likely will not be happy. Flowers hugs

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2014 17:42

Of course you've done the right thing but I want to urge you to be very careful now that it is out in the open. Abusive, violent men are at their most dangerous when backed into a corner and you have to anticipate a bad reaction from him and take steps to keep yourself and the children out of harm's way. You may benefit from talking to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and also the police DV unit 101.

The only person destroying the family is the one subjecting you all to abuse. Without him in the picture you will have a much happier and much better family.

Good luck but please stay safe

Original poster
Gibbsbasement · 14/10/2014 17:42

Overslept - I'm sorry you went through that.

I also had a shitty childhood and I think that is why I tolerated it for so long. It was 'normal' for me, but I'm damn well not going to let it become normal for my DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gibbsbasement · 14/10/2014 17:49

Overslept - the sickening thing was that I just stood still and did nothing. How could I do that? I even told DS to be quiet and it would stop. How's that for conditioning?

I feel so guilty that I could let it happen and not step in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gibbsbasement · 14/10/2014 17:52

Thank you all for advice about police and Women's Aid. Taken on board and number stored in phone.

I have a neighbour who is a policeman so may pop in for a chat to get an unofficial view.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gibbsbasement · 14/10/2014 17:54

Thumb witch - no, not visited solicitor yet. Seemed a step too far, but have been thinking about it for months.

OP posts:
overslept · 14/10/2014 17:56

Gibbs you are doing everything right. Stay strong and make sure you and your DC are safe. Do you have a person to stay with if you need to? My step dad even found our new address that he wasn't meant to know, and showed up drunk one night, it was terrifying. I'm not saying that will happen to you, you just need to get yourself and your children away.

Speaking from a childs perspective, I remember when it finally sunk in I could come home from school and not be scared, I could mess about with my sisters and not be screamed at, I could sit with my mum while she made dinner and chat about school (this wasn't allowed when he was there as he didn't like us in the kitchen spending time with our mum).

People like this don't change, 3 years later he was in court for beating a teenage girl who was the daughter of his new girlfriend Sad. I only know as I had to make a statement about what he was like with me.

UpduffedFatty · 14/10/2014 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch · 14/10/2014 17:59

Definitely not a step too far now - I think you need to take steps to have this man removed from your life, and divorcing him will be the biggest one - but you need to be able to find out what you need to do before telling him, in terms of paperwork, your "position" as Company Secretary etc., your entitlements to the home and so on.

And if he shows any hint of increased aggression in the coming days, get out, take the DC and just leave. Stay safe. x